My marriage was a joke... On me. I tried to convince myself that I was happy and that all was well and everything was great. My eldest son is from another marriage and when I met him, the boy was just a babe in arms. After my parents met him and his family, they said to me, "Because you have a child and were married once before, you are NOT going to do any better. Bag this one." The sick thing was, I believed it...The transformation began. I turned into someone I wasn't. I started to lose myself. It started to happen so slowly...
So... Wedding... Now, I'm not going to say that there wasn't love. That would be an out and out lie. But I did start to notice that this marriage wasn't what I wanted it to be. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was happy and everything was great... It wasn't. I was going nuts. I couldn't be myself. Everything that was ME was stuffed into a box. If I got pissed off about something, it always got turned around and became my fault and there wasn't a problem, it was all in my head, it was me... I was never heard.
At night I would pace around the bedroom like a caged animal... Trapped... I was miserable... This went on for YEARS!
One day I woke up and realized, "Holy shit! I've completely lost myself and I can't stand him!" I had been feeling it for YEARS, but to actually vocalize it, put it into words and say it out loud made the realization more solid and tangible.
I wasn't appreciated. I wasn't loved for who I was as much as I was loved for an idea of who I was supposed to be.
I've broken loose and I've left the box far behind me. Never again!
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