You see, most people have that little voice inside their heads that tells them things like, "Hey! Don't forget the keys!" or "Watch out for that puddle!" or "Whoa! Don't do that! That probably isn't a good idea!" You know? Stuff like that. Helpful and nice. Not me. Not mine. My every day, I have some jerk saying things like, "It's dark and quiet and we're all alone.... Hey, let's think about monsters and ghosts!" or "Oops! You failed again! HA HA!!!! That's so typical!" or "Hey! Let's obsess about stupid trivial shit all night!" or "You feel sick? It's cancer. You're probably going to die. Probably any day now!"
And then, there are the insomnia nights. That's when he (I have equated the "voice in my head" as male, because he sounds like a very big, black, gay man, so....) REALLY starts in on me. It sometimes goes a little something like this:
Brain: We're hungry and we need a sandwich....
Me: No, we don't. It's, like, two in the morning. We NEED to go to sleep.
Brain: Come on! Just a quick sandwich.
Me: NO!
Brain: Well, can we think about math?
Me: NO!
Brain: Can we think about every embarrassing moment we've ever had and relive every moment over and over again?
Me: NO! FUCK NO!
Brain: Can we think about possible disaster scenarios that we might not escape from and wouldn't survive?
Me: SHUT UP!!!!! NO!!!!
Brain: Can we think about every single one of our failures in our life and obsess on them?
Me: OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!!!!!
Brain: Hey? What was that noise? It sounded like it came from outside! Maybe it's terrorists trying to break in and kill us all!
Me: Oh my god, WHY??!?!?
Brain: .......Can we go make a sandwich now?
Me: FINE! If we do, will you shut up?
Brain: Pfft! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure! SANDWICH! GO!
Me: <skeptically> ....... Okay.
<Get to kitchen>
Brain: Surprise! There's no bread. You forgot to get bread at the store today.
Me: Shit!
Brain: There are crescents in the freezer...
Me: .....fine.
Brain: Defrost it in the toaster.
Me: I'll just nuke it. It'll be faster.
Brain: But it won't taste right.
Me: I just want to go to bed!
Brain: Toast it! TOAST IT! TOAST IT!!! TOAST IT!!!!!! TOAST IT!!!!!! TOAST IT!!!!!!!! TOAST IT!!!!!!!! TOAST IT!!!!!!!
Me: FINE! FINE!!!!!!! Can we move this along? FUCK!
Brain: Let's make BACON!
Me: It is TWO O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!!! CAN WE JUST SLAP SOME HAM AND CHEESE INTO THE CRESCENT AND GO TO BED??!?!?!?!?!?!
Brain: Baaaaaacon....... BAAAAAAAACOOOOOOOOON! BAAAAAAAAAACOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!
<me, cooking bacon at 2 am...>
Brain: Get all that bacon on there! YES! Now, we want lettuce, tomatoes MAKE SURE YOU SLICE THEM REAL THIN, and lets throw some brie cheese on there too.
Me: I can't eat all this stuff before bed! I'm going to give myself indigestion!
Brain: Do it. DO IT! DO IT!!! DO IT!!!!! DO IT!!!! DO IT!!!!!! DO IT!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Oh my god, FINE!
Brain: This is gonna be good. I can tell. Ooh! Can we also make some....
Me: NO! Just fucking NO!!!!! Shut UP!!!!!!
Brain: I was only...
Me: NO!
Brain: But....
Me: NO!!!!
Brain: You'll regret this......
Me: Fuck....
<2:45 AM, I go upstairs to my room with the sandwich to eat it>
<While eating sandwich>
Brain: It's good, right?
Me: .....uh-huh.....
Brain: With the brie cheese?
Me: .......uh-huh...... uh-oh........
Brain: Hey..... remember how we used to feed the brie cheese fungus to Otis?
Me: STOP IT!
Brain: He LOVED brie cheese fungus didn't he?
Me: STOP!
Brain: Remember his face?
Me: Dear god, please fucking make this stop.
Brain: Remember when we had to put him down?
Me: Fuck you brain! I really hate you right now....
Brain: Remember all the things you said to him?
Me: Fuck my life.... WHY DO YOU DO THIS??!?!?!?
Brain: We really miss him, don't we?
Me: :openly weeping, snot dribbling, hugging tissue box, looking like a hot mess:
<20 minutes of sobbing later>
Brain: Naw! Just kidding. C'mon. Let's go to sleep! It's passed three in the morning.
Me: :sniffle: Do you mean it? :sniffle, sniffle: Really?
Brain: Yeah. Come on.....
<Get into bed, get comfy>
<10 minutes later, about to drift asleep>
Brain: Just kidding! Flabammo! INDIGESTION! AND we have to pee! You're welcome!
Me: FUCK! I really don't feel good!
Brain: Yup. Definitely cancer. You're going to die.
Me: Are we NOT getting any sleep tonight?
Brain: Nope! Let's bang our head into the wall and see if we pass out instead. You know, again!
Me: .........
<thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud,thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud..........>
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