Shhh.... No talking!

There are just certain times when it's not a matter of talking it out and the only thing that can solve it is a solid "self introspective moment" to work out "issues" by oneself. It's not a matter of NOT wanting to share in intimate moments with a loved one so much as it is needing to figure out for oneself how he or she feels about something, what they want to do, how they may want to handle it and wrap their own mind around the "situation" at hand.
The "What are you thinking? Why won't you talk to me?" thing gets to be annoying during times like this. Who hasn't had that moment? Bullshit, yes you have.
It's the reason I am IMMENSELY grateful that my Lucky understands. I am able to work through my shit and do what I need to do so that I can discuss it with him rationally once I have a handle on whatever it was. I know that I can always discuss anything with him. We have no secrets, we have no "taboo" subjects and we talk about everything. It's nice being able to comfortably discuss anything and not feel "iffy" or uncomfortable about saying something. And if I need the space to figure something out before I can even "put my finger on something" before bringing it to the round table, I know that's cool too.  I suppose that's really the way it ought to be. Go figure.

"Trust me!"

It's really the ones who say to you, "trust me!" that gives me pause.... The "I know what I'm doing..." Y'all know what I'm talking about... There's something not too trustworthy about a person who says: "Trust me! I know what I'm doing!" ESPECIALLY when you know said person AND you know that this person is an idiot... Just saying.

Pictures.....

Lucky and I try to get pictures of of us doing things together when we can. We keep a camera on hand wherever we go... Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn't. We do the "hold the camera at an arms length and smile" thing. We've gotten some great shots. We've also gotten some great shots of our nostrils or whatever too, but still...
We carry around a camera wherever we go. There's always a camera, but there are just times when we just forget to grab it or it just doesn't occur to us.
We're getting a little better at making sure that we take at least one picture wherever we go these days as it becomes a diary, of sorts, of our life in stills. Moments are fleeting, they come and they go and sometimes, it's just nice to have a picture. :)

Woohoo!

I've come to the "Anniversary" of the day  I started this blog.... What have I done? What have I accomplished... Honestly? I've managed to have a book published, which was one of my goals, the patent thing hasn't yielded anything and it seems as though we are reaching the "give up" portion of that endeavor despite the YEARS we've spent on it... (Grrrr......) I've dropped a lot of baggage and am moving forward and it feels amazing, I've made great friends, met interesting people, I've made a life for myself and I'm actually starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for myself and my children as I've reached the conclusion that what I have happening now will NOT be the rest of my life. I've also had a few cathartic moments that have helped me to change a few things about myself that I didn't like and although I'm still a work in progress, I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I've set goals for myself that I've actually accomplished, and have set new ones again for the next coming year. My outlook has become a lot more positive and the "self discovery" thing has been quite therapeutic.
I'm able to say that I'm thankful for so many things now and mean it. I can appreciate them and it feels good. I'm not as angry about a lot of things any more simply because I don't have the time to stew in the negativity any more. It's been quite a year and has been quite the journey!
Thank you to those of who have been following along. And thank you to those who will be continuing to follow along too. And for those just tuning in or have recently tuned in, thank you too! I've reached 9700+ unique visitors and tens of thousands of hits here from all over the world and that's a pretty cool thing. THAT was kind of unexpected... So, I gonna keep doing my thing here and why don't we make tentative plans to meet back here, same time next year and see what I've accomplished then. I have to say, this has been a hoot! :)

Otis accidents....

Otis is getting older.... Fine he's ancient. He's an 18 year old Dachshund. He's partially blind, stone deaf and he leaks... He's become quite incontinent and I think a lot of the time, he doesn't even know that he's "going". It just kinda happens as he leaves trails instead of a pile or puddle... And it's never in an inconspicuous place. It's right in the middle of the hallway or something, right  where people walk. Sometimes, the people of the household don't notice the Otis leavings on the floor. (How many times do I have to explain, "Watch where you step!" to people....) The carpet cleaner has seen more use in the last couple of years than ever in its entire existence because the older Otis gets, the more he leaks out all sorts of stuff...
I can always tell when someone steps in something Otis left because I can hear it. It starts with the "Otis!" and ends with "Yuck! Gross! Awwww! My socks!!!!!" :sigh: Time to get the carpet cleaner again... I love my dog!

Crash and Burn!

I have certain cycles where I go through bouts of insomnia. It can last anywhere from a couple of days to a week. Sometimes more... I go through the day, feel tired and when it's time for bed? I can't sleep. The mind goes into super mega overdrive and it doesn't shut off. I do the tossing and turning thing, I do the relaxing thing, the hot bath thing, the walking thing, whatever... And I don't sleep.
I function and I go through my day to day and I get things done, but I "seem tired". Duh!
But just like I feel the bouts of insomnia come, I also start to feel the crash too. It's rather spectacular. The energy levels start to skyrocket and I zip through stuff like everything else is in slow motion. It will manifest as a whole house cleaning day where EVERYTHING gets cleaned and wiped and sanitized and vacuumed and washed and dried and put away and dusted and polished and done up nice-y nice and things that got left undone all get done and the "List of stuff that needs to be done this month" get done all at once...
And that last night rolls around and all is said and done, I drag my carcass into bed and the sleepy time gnome comes and hits me upside the head with his magical night-night brick. And I go back to my regularly scheduled program... Until the next time the cycle repeats. :s

Can you NOT do the thing with the face.....

Children are adorable to their parents for a very specific reason. If they weren't, the human species would NOT have survived. Thinking back over the years to when I was an even smaller spazoid of destruction, I think I would have killed me too if it weren't for the fact that I wasn't such a cute little kid. (No, I don't know what happened... Could be all those years of falling on my face...)
I look at my kids and think about all of the things that they have destroyed, ruined, broken, demolished, cracked, splintered, dusted, dirtied, soiled, devastated, and unmade until they were irreparable and I think about how angry I got. I thought about how I had to walk away when they did the thing with the face. You know, the pout and the "I'm REALLY sorry!" eyes and the tear and the quivering lip... And I kinda look back on the whole thing and realize that ultimately, whatever they had destroyed wasn't really important. It's to the point where I'll joke about how angry I was and laugh.
I have parents that STILL bring up the whatever that so-and-so broke in 198- and go into a rant about how they're STILL angry about it.... Seriously?I guess the little plasic thingy that mom bought at Wisconsin Dells was super wicked important since she STILL holds a grudge over it. Me? I try to forget the incidents. Nothing is more important then just conveying the message to the kid/ kids about what they did being wrong, the child/ children being apologetic about it and then moving on in the hopes that they will have learned something from it and not do it again.
It makes it easier for me to accomplish because of the face. It's always so damn hard to stay angry when they make that face! CRAP! Foiled again! And I think they know it too.

Playing with a guilty conscience....

Just like children, anyone with a guilty conscience can easily be goaded into a.) realize that you know they're guilty, b.) con them into admitting their wrongdoing, c.) pick a fight, d.) make the wrong-doer look idiotic or e.) one or more or even ALL of the above.
It's easy and fun to pluck at the strings of a heart (if they even have one) heavy with guilt and even more fun to lay on more weight before making squish with the guilty conscience. For those lacking a heart or a conscience all together, makes for an interesting battle, but in the end, human nature makes even the mightiest fall... It's called "ego". And squishing ego is most satisfying .
The effect may not be tangible to the one stirring the pot, but the effect is not for the chef. It's the one who is served that has to deal with all of that. That's the goal. Another hobby of mine... Fine! It's a quirk... Whatever.

Angry things....

Anger comes in so many different forms and a variety of flavors just like stupidity does. It seems (at least to me) that the sometimes, it's the stupidity of others leads me at times to darker places like anger. Most of the time stupidity just brings me much amusement and joy, but there are times....
I've let go of a lot of things, dropped a lot of "baggage" and I find that anger has been a waste of time for the most part. Do I have my moments? Of course. I'm not a "YAY HAPPY!" person all the time. But it just doesn't seem like time well spent to me, being angry all the time. Although trying to stay positive all the time can be quite time consuming and it doesn't work all the time either. So, there has to be a balance.
Anger isn't all bad. I've used anger to fuel me to get a lot of positive things accomplished. I am talking about the negative energy that comes from anger here that I find to be a waste of time. It can manifest itself in so many different ways. A good example is taking one's anger out by reveling in the misery of others or wishing harm and misery onto other people. Seriously? If you're so angry about your own life, why not take the time to change what makes you angry about your own life? How about when anger manifests itself in a way that you become a miserable wretch of a person. Just yelling and screaming at everything and everyone. There are just some serious "anger things" there. And obviously, there are the violent angry outbursts. NEVER a positive thing....
You can see where I'm going with this. I've seen the "negative sides" of anger far too often. Its hard to explain its effects to the people who are having the difficulties with accepting that they are "flawed" by their anger and that they need to change. At times, these things need to be dealt with... Sometimes, rather harshly. As long as they don't have its effects on me and mine, I tend to stay away. The reason being? Have you ever noticed how easy it is to become angry about something? Downward spiral. I'd much rather dwell in the brighter side. I'd much rather pick and choose where I spend my anger and use that anger in a positive way to bring about a better outcome. Think about the different causes out there... People became passionate about an idea because they started off angry about something.... Just sayin....

My run-in with an angry cow.....

In the grocery store parking lot, I had a run in with a VERY large woman. She had a stop sign, I didn't. So, I kept on going. Why is it that I have said thunderous cow, that probably weighed in at about 400lbs or more (I am NOT joking), yell at me even though I had the right of way?
Honestly, I was already THROUGH the intersection when she rolled up to the stop sign. Well, I had said 400lbs heifer, MOO herself out of her car so that she could charge at my car in a one woman stampede (as I was stopped at the red light to leave the parking lot).... 
The cow started screaming obscenities at me and called me a "stupid c*nt". Oh, and did I mention my three year old daughter was in the car with me at the time of this incident? 
 Kids hear the most gosh darnedest of things, don't they? And they will repeat things at THE most inopportune or inappropriate times too... :sigh: Well, my daughter asked me, "Mama... What's a cump? Is it a cup?" My response? "Yes, baby. She called me a 'cup'... She just said it wrong..." Her response? "That's just silly!" (Phew! THAT landmine was avoided!) 
So, is it wrong that I laughed maniacally when this very obese woman tripped, fell face down and started rolling around and rocking back and forth to "right" herself? Wait... You know what? Never mind. Karma can have this one. I make no apologies. I'm glad I laughed.... Out loud.... While pointing.... Damn! I should have gotten a picture while I was at it....

Now, the serious side of this reared its ugly head later on in the evening: A 400+ lbs woman with severe road rage charged my car simply because she targeted me for whatever her reasons. She tripped and I was able to drive away. The story ended there. It could have been bad had she not tripped and she actually had reached the car. And with my three year old daughter sitting in her car seat in the back seat of my car... Well, it kind of ups the ante quite a bit. I was well prepared to "deal" with the situation, but honestly? It could have been bad.

I mean, let's go through the details here: I was blocked in traffic, cars in front, cars behind, my daughter was in her car seat in the back passenger side, the woman charged the drivers side. Now had she NOT tripped and fallen or fallen and HAD been able to orient herself and get up and reached the car, likely she would have tried to yank me out through the window or she would have tried to tip the car over. (Did I mention my THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER was sitting on the PASSENGER'S side in the back?) 
Granted, I would have had to take measures to ensure that she couldn't get at me or more importantly, my daughter or allow her enough leverage to tip the car... Keep in mind, I was well armed and was VERY well prepared to use my weapon(s). It would not have been "lethal force", but "incapacitation" I would have used... (in theory). I wouldn't have gotten out of the car, but I did have a firm grasp of something that would have merited her (at best) coloring books for Christmas for the rest of her life..... I joke about it, but in all honesty, it was a very real and very scary situation that freaked me out when I actually took the time to think about it..... I know that my daughter more that likely WON'T remember the whole incident as it happened. Totally cool. But on the other side of that...... Can you imagine the lasting damage if she was afraid of fat people for the rest of her life?

Now, I can't even BEGIN to tell you how funny and kinda sad it was. This woman was SO fat <insert a "yo' mama so fat..." joke here>, she couldn't get both of her hands underneath herself because of her girth and her ham hock arms. She literally had to rock side to side in order to get ONE hand or the other to touch the ground and she couldn't orient herself well enough by rolling around to get a knee under herself in order to get up.... (I left her there. Besides, she was a total "cup".) I doubt she's able to get her arms to meet in the middle so that she could clap... FAT. Not the kind of fat that happens over night... Really makes me wonder how people allow themselves to become that way. But I digress...

I obsessed about this for the next day or two but I decided that it wasn't worth my time to go over the "what if"s. Training for "real life situations" doesn't exactly cover EVERYTHING that you might come across. Hopefully I can cross "trampled to death by large angry beast" off the list of things that might pop up and surprise me as sort of a "real life pop quiz". It could have played out in a variety of different ways. That day, things worked out well for me. That was MY day and I managed to walk away with a funny and amusing anecdote to share with you all here and now. This post could have been a lot different, but everything went my way.

As a post script, I was thinking about keeping a box of Twinkies (as they would last indefinitely in the car) should something like this happen again.... Open one up, toss it in another direction and PRAY that there is still enough distance between the charging animal and the car so that the beast doesn't collide with the car from the momentum of trying to change directions to chase the Twinkie. Just a random thought..... 

   

Sleep cycles....

When insomnia rules over me, I have the hardest time staying motivated. It's weird. My body knows that its tired and wants to rest, but the mind keeps going and doesn't allow it to. I go through these random bursts of energy allowing me to do super human things, only to come around and have it bite me in the ass later as it drains the reserves of energy all together and I suffer more... When the bout of insomnia reaches its peak and I crash, I never get enough sleep and by the time I do manage to get somewhat caught up, I get insomnia again. Good times!
As much as I try to stay on a regular sleep schedule, it never really works out quite that way and despite the fact that I KNOW I should be sleeping, there's always just one more thing I want to get done...
One of these days, I'll work it through and figure out the sleeping thing. Until then... Well, whatever.....

Technicolor Lawn!

Otis isn't exactly the brightest dog on the face of the planet. As a matter of fact, I will claim the opposite. As yet another shining example of his non-brilliance, his favorite things to eat are poop and crayons. He has more access to crayons as the kids like to leave them lying around all over the house. It leads to a very interesting result...
There really isn't a particular "place" he goes outside. Things just kinda.... fall out or leak. And because of the fact that he's Otis, he poops about 45 times a day. It's become a joke around here. "OMG! CALL CNN! OTIS IS POOPING!!!!!!!"
We have the most colorful lawn in the neighborhood, with its bright and happy chewed up crayon pieces mixed in poop...
Yeah.... Otis. That's my dog.

You woke me for THIS??!??

Why is it that some of the potentially GREATEST nights of sleep are interrupted by stupid things? The neighbor's dog choosing 3 in the morning to howl and bark at something, 4am for the other neighbor to rev his motorcycle engine and lay into the throttle, 5 in the morning for a bird to take a header into the window and go all kamikaze on it, 2:30 in the morning for a couple of cats to get randy on the porch right below my bedroom window.... Grrrrrr.....

Blaaaaaaaaahh......

I have those days from time to time. The days when I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere, and I just don't give a crap about nothing. The things that seem rather appealing to me are spending the day in bed, eating junk food and sleeping it off until I wake up again for another dose of Twinkies and chips and dip. They happen when I don't have the kids around, Lucky's at work and the parents are away. It's been quite therapeutic. I concentrate on me and deal with the inner mechanations of my own inner thought and processes. It always ends with a bout of indigestion, but a breakthrough of sorts that leaves me feeling that I can move forward and fight through another day. Other times, I just sit and vege.

Parental undermining.....

The underminer... Every family has one. The parental underminer... The family member who knows best how to raise, deal with and handle children in the best way. They have all the answers and know everything there is to knew about raising children, what books to read, how to talk to them and everything. How their schedules should be set up, what they should be doing at any given time.
Sound annoying? It is my reality. I am still trying to define the lines where they don't get crossed or shouldn't get crossed. I go on about what I am doing and ignore the whining and complaining from the peanut gallery that consists of my mom and dad.
The walls have been built so that the children know, and the old people know what the rules of engagement are and that those rules will be followed. They are rules brought down from on high that were deemed to be "The ONES" that will rear my children until they become people of their own.
The first few months were rough a best. Screaming fits and threats, but once my parents calmed down, they gave up on deciding that they would be able to change my mind. The ideals that I have set forth for what I would like to see my children be are different from child to child as they are very different creatures from one another, but the rules for them are all the same and stay consistent.
Raising my children in this environment hasn't been ideal, but at least we have all settled into "roles" and with a few tweaks here and there, and things have been working out. I have a long way to go to make sure that my children become the very best of what they have the potential to become and for them to see that potential. Sure, I serve as the dork and all, but I believe one day they will see the method to my madness. Meanwhile, underminers beware. I'm fixing them to identify what they are and go with what they're supposed to be doing instead of what they shouldn't. They're good little monkeys and I have faith in the fact that they will grow up proud and strong. It's all good.

Firm Grasp of the Obvious....

Captain Obvious here with another  public service announcement..... It seems that sometimes, the most obvious needs to be pointed out in the most stupid of situations. No, it does NOT make you clever trying to figure out a different solution, when the obvious is right there. Just go with the obvious... Please. Then we can move on to something else that would be time better spent. Just sayin'....

Whadjyu do now??!???

Yes... "Whadjyu do now??" It is a question that a parent has to ask from time to time whether it be out of morbid curiosity or some other reason... This is especially true when you, as the parent, walk in on something that the child/ children had no intentions of you knowing about it or finding out about. The look/ looks on their faces is priceless. I know I shouldn't laugh or snicker or crack a smile or belie the fact that they did wrong and they are in trouble and that I am upset with them, but when they do the "cute thing" ranging from the collective pout or Cheshire Cat smiles, to the camaraderie that occurs when they know they have been collectively busted, it's kind of endearing and cute and can be a little difficult not to show that...
Parenting is such a "winging it" process and the rules seem to change from day to day. I mean, the basics are always the same and obviously, you have to be consistent when raising children. I am talking about "you never know what to expect from day to day" type of winging it. One day they've flushed a cellphone, a half a dozen mini action figures, the head of a barbie doll, a soup spoon, a plastic knife, a half a box of tissue paper and a dead squirrel down the toilet "accidentally" and then the next day, they want to know where babies come from and the day after that, they are debating the pros and cons of different strategies for super Mario with you. :sigh:
It's always a good bet that when things are a bit too quiet, that you should call up to the kids. "Whadjyu do now?" If greeted with "Um.... Nothin'?" rush to where they are. Nothing ALWAYS means something and the longer you wait, the more it's going to cost you. Just some friendly advice...

Eat, sleep... Repeat....

There are those weekends that I don't have the children and Lucky has to work and I don't get to see him. It leaves me with some time to myself. There are times when I will be motivated enough to take on something and work through until it gets done. There are other times when I'm not motivated to do anything and I think I am entitled to those times once in a great while too. I eat until I'm tired and I sleep until I'm hungry... No, it's nothing to be proud of, but I do it sometimes and I'll admit it.

Hitting...

Although there is a satisfaction in slugging someone who REALLY deserved it, there's also a feeling of "Meh..." when all is said and done. It's not to say I won't hit someone if they truly deserve it, but meh... It'd REALLY have to be worth my time and effort.
With kids, the rules are different. I don't know what the deal is. They'll smack, kick, punch, scratch, bite, slap, poke, gouge, rake, elbow, knee, pull, shove.... It's like releasing two angry, rabid honey badgers on each other... And the funny thing is, (And I've witnessed this happen on more than one occasion...) a few seconds AFTER the fight is done, a good portion of the time, the two kids are sitting there sharing a juicebox and a snack and they're like best friends for life.... WTF??!?? I guess there are some lessons that we can learn from children.... Go figure.

Movie explosions....

Some of the greatest movies have the best explosions. Even the WORST movies redeem themselves a little when there are a few good explosions. And what's the deal with the "hero" NEVER looking behind him as he walks away in slow motion when the building blows up? I would totally be like "FIRE! WOO HOO! That's was freaking AWESOME!!!!!" (Which is probably why Michael Bay will never call me for a role in one of his movies....) I don't know what it is about those movie explosions that I find to be so cool. Apparently, I'm not the only one... What, I've been to the theater where I wasn't the only one cheering when the stuff started blowing up! (Someone OTHER than Lucky too!)
Another one of those things that brings me much amusement and joy... Movie explosions....

Photo Bombing....

The photo bomb is probably by far one of the greatest "cheap thrills" a person can get... Think about it for a second. You dive yourself right into a picture you really don't belong in and make a funny face or do something inappropriate or whatever. Flabammo! You've either ruined the shot or you made the picture AWESOME! Type in "photobomb" into Google images. You'll come up with so many! And to top it off, it's a giggle-fest of epic proportions! There are people who make photo bombing a hobby! I'm dead serious! It's fantastic! I'm thinking of giving it a go when the opportunities show themselves. It seems like a rather amusing thing to do. AND to top it off, there will be a random photo of me "bombing" in someone's collection of photos. Yes... The gears turn... It seems like a very fun new hobby indeed.... :) Beware.....

Skepticism....

The older I get, it seems the more skeptical I get about many things. Call it "experience", call it "having made mistakes", call it whatever you will.... Chalk it up to the crappy people I've come across in my life or the "sounds too good to be true and I was right in that assumption" thing. Whatever the case, skepticism is something that grows like hair or fingernails and left untrimmed, it could become just as unsightly and hard to manage as unkempt hair or fingernails.
I believe only about a quarter of what I hear and a third of what I see. Just because I'm nodding my head, doesn't mean I'm agreeing with you. I'm nodding my head because I really don't want to hear any more and the only way to get you to shut up is to agree with you. Most people are unreliable, untrustworthy, malicious, selfish and mean. (Is that the skeptic in me?) I like animals much more than I like people.
I love spending time with kids simply because they aren't like that. Well, most aren't anyway... At a certain age, they do start to try the manipulations of adults, but they're easy to see as such. Regardless, it's fun being able to show kids that you could be a good person AND still be cool. Lead by example...
Help out when and where you can. Make it fun if you have to. Get things done when they need to be done. Grow a spine, stop whining, own up to your own mistakes and make apologies when you've done wrong. The world is full of spineless, cowardly, selfish, manipulative, crybaby pansies. No need to add to the overpopulated numbers of that  crowd.
It's great to know that I've surrounded myself with people who see my points of view on this. People who will grab hold and get me back on my feet when I falter when I get sucked into the black hole that those behaviors have become to those who have chosen the path of least resistance. Mindless drones. Sissies. Weaklings. I refuse to be one. My Puppy Guts has been a great source of strength and it seems that the "where I want to end up" is very much on the same lines as "where he wants to end up". It makes it all the easier when our goals are very much on the same lines. Though my skepticism makes me see the uglier side of people, I am thankful for the ones whom I've come to put a bit more faith in. Although I see myself as much more than a skeptic or a pessimist than a optimist or an idealist, I have my "happy places". I will question everything and not take  it for face value. Whether it be about philosophy, science, religion, life... What can I say. It's who I am....

Summer Vacation....

Now that I have all of my babies back here with me, my summer vacation "begins". Granted I only have them for a limited number of days before they go back to visit with their dad some more, but still...
So begins my daily "Yeehaw!" when I actually have to get up in the morning and make a proper breakfast and get through the day with doing activities and stuff, keeping the kids moving and tuckering them out, drive them here, drive them there, lunches and suppers, scheduling stuff to do with them while trying to keep them all amused and entertained, laundry, dishes, garbage, cleaning, baths and showers and tucking them into bed. Then to repeat the same thing the next day...
:sigh:  It's absolutely blissful! I missed them!