My run-in with an angry cow.....

In the grocery store parking lot, I had a run in with a VERY large woman. She had a stop sign, I didn't. So, I kept on going. Why is it that I have said thunderous cow, that probably weighed in at about 400lbs or more (I am NOT joking), yell at me even though I had the right of way?
Honestly, I was already THROUGH the intersection when she rolled up to the stop sign. Well, I had said 400lbs heifer, MOO herself out of her car so that she could charge at my car in a one woman stampede (as I was stopped at the red light to leave the parking lot).... 
The cow started screaming obscenities at me and called me a "stupid c*nt". Oh, and did I mention my three year old daughter was in the car with me at the time of this incident? 
 Kids hear the most gosh darnedest of things, don't they? And they will repeat things at THE most inopportune or inappropriate times too... :sigh: Well, my daughter asked me, "Mama... What's a cump? Is it a cup?" My response? "Yes, baby. She called me a 'cup'... She just said it wrong..." Her response? "That's just silly!" (Phew! THAT landmine was avoided!) 
So, is it wrong that I laughed maniacally when this very obese woman tripped, fell face down and started rolling around and rocking back and forth to "right" herself? Wait... You know what? Never mind. Karma can have this one. I make no apologies. I'm glad I laughed.... Out loud.... While pointing.... Damn! I should have gotten a picture while I was at it....

Now, the serious side of this reared its ugly head later on in the evening: A 400+ lbs woman with severe road rage charged my car simply because she targeted me for whatever her reasons. She tripped and I was able to drive away. The story ended there. It could have been bad had she not tripped and she actually had reached the car. And with my three year old daughter sitting in her car seat in the back seat of my car... Well, it kind of ups the ante quite a bit. I was well prepared to "deal" with the situation, but honestly? It could have been bad.

I mean, let's go through the details here: I was blocked in traffic, cars in front, cars behind, my daughter was in her car seat in the back passenger side, the woman charged the drivers side. Now had she NOT tripped and fallen or fallen and HAD been able to orient herself and get up and reached the car, likely she would have tried to yank me out through the window or she would have tried to tip the car over. (Did I mention my THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER was sitting on the PASSENGER'S side in the back?) 
Granted, I would have had to take measures to ensure that she couldn't get at me or more importantly, my daughter or allow her enough leverage to tip the car... Keep in mind, I was well armed and was VERY well prepared to use my weapon(s). It would not have been "lethal force", but "incapacitation" I would have used... (in theory). I wouldn't have gotten out of the car, but I did have a firm grasp of something that would have merited her (at best) coloring books for Christmas for the rest of her life..... I joke about it, but in all honesty, it was a very real and very scary situation that freaked me out when I actually took the time to think about it..... I know that my daughter more that likely WON'T remember the whole incident as it happened. Totally cool. But on the other side of that...... Can you imagine the lasting damage if she was afraid of fat people for the rest of her life?

Now, I can't even BEGIN to tell you how funny and kinda sad it was. This woman was SO fat <insert a "yo' mama so fat..." joke here>, she couldn't get both of her hands underneath herself because of her girth and her ham hock arms. She literally had to rock side to side in order to get ONE hand or the other to touch the ground and she couldn't orient herself well enough by rolling around to get a knee under herself in order to get up.... (I left her there. Besides, she was a total "cup".) I doubt she's able to get her arms to meet in the middle so that she could clap... FAT. Not the kind of fat that happens over night... Really makes me wonder how people allow themselves to become that way. But I digress...

I obsessed about this for the next day or two but I decided that it wasn't worth my time to go over the "what if"s. Training for "real life situations" doesn't exactly cover EVERYTHING that you might come across. Hopefully I can cross "trampled to death by large angry beast" off the list of things that might pop up and surprise me as sort of a "real life pop quiz". It could have played out in a variety of different ways. That day, things worked out well for me. That was MY day and I managed to walk away with a funny and amusing anecdote to share with you all here and now. This post could have been a lot different, but everything went my way.

As a post script, I was thinking about keeping a box of Twinkies (as they would last indefinitely in the car) should something like this happen again.... Open one up, toss it in another direction and PRAY that there is still enough distance between the charging animal and the car so that the beast doesn't collide with the car from the momentum of trying to change directions to chase the Twinkie. Just a random thought.....