Diary of a Would-be Super Villain....

Day 1: I'm thinking of becoming an evil super villain... If I'm gonna get blamed for everything that goes wrong anyway, I might as well be able to say, "THAT was my evil plan all along! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!" At least that way, there will be some satisfaction in a success at something, then walk briskly and purposefully away with my black cape flowing behind me and billowing  around as I left...
Maybe I would even leave in slow-mo as I left the scene of chaos, without looking back to confirm it... It'd be that pop used salt instead of sugar in his coffee, but still... "Yes... It was my evil plan all along to confuse you by putting salt in the salt jar and sugar in the sugar bowl! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I have ruined your cup of coffee!" Yes... Yes, this might work...

Day 2: I suppose an evil lair of sorts , a solitary fortress, will have to be constructed somewhere far off and awesome. I was thinking a nice beach on a private tropical island... With a private gojillion square foot bugalow where I can plot out my evil schemes to take over the world while I enjoyed being fed grapes and mango balls... Fine! <SIGH!> I suppose for the time being, while my plans have still not come together I will be able to think about this other option later.... In the meantime, my closet will have to do for the time being... Not as cool as an old warehouse or an underground lab or whatever, but considering my current situation, I guess I don't have a choice.I'll just pushed the boxes of cute stuffed animal toys that my daughter keeps in a different corner, cover everything up with a black sheet or two, and try and get rid of the smell of mothballs somehow... It leaves me about 4' x 4' of space to work, but I suppose it will do for now...

Day 3: I worked on my evil laugh today... My "Mwa ha ha" has gotten quite sinister. I actually got the dog to notice when I tried it on him... Fine, he gave me a weird look, rolled his eyes and went back to sleep but he did notice. The little bastard! It seems he does not respect my authority and.... OH CRAP! HE HAS TO GO OUTSIDE NOW! HE'S DANCING AT THE DOOR!!!!!!! ...............I'm back. I'll have to find myself a different "evil super villain pet". The dog just seems to be mocking me and seems to take great pleasure in thwarting my "planning things"  with his incontinence!  Maybe perhaps I should look into a mutant marmoset that doen't eat, poop, or pee or anything... The dog's smug look and eye rolling is getting to be annoying... AND he just peed in my shoe... Again...Sigh!

Day 4: I need a super villain name and costume. I can't be a SUPER villain without a good name and costume. No one will take me seriously if I don't have a good name and costume. All of the greatest super villains had pretty cool costumes and stuff that were form fitting and probably made them look more buff then they were... That'd be neat, I guess, but I worry about the breathability of the material... Rashes could occur... And the wedgie factor... Eeerg! I'm thinking I might want to go with a Pepto pink fuzzy bathrobe over my pink Hello Kitty tank top, black boxer shorts and fuzzy bunny slippers. And a name... It should scream out WOMAN not to be toyed with... Someone who instills fear in many so I'm calling myself "Madam PMS-ing Mother in Law". I'll also have to come up with a catchphrase. Every good evil super villain needs a great catchphrase too... Hmm... Maybe I'll just scream maniacally... Hard for someone to come up with a good come back to that. It should leave them rendered speechless... 




Day 5: Assembling minions has been quite a challenge... It would seem that NO one wants to work for free and genetically engineering mutant minions is beyond the scope of what I'm capable of doing despite my many attempts in the basement. The hamster won't ever be the same and will never trust another Cheerios... microwaving chicken eggs did not yield the "mutant chickens" I was hoping for and feeding the dog mega doses of vitamins only gave him gas and diarrhea for a day... 
It would seem that a true evil super villain needs to be a super genius... Uh-oh... Well, crap. I wish I had known THAT! Maybe I could go to the super genius council and plead with them for more brain stuff to make happen in my brain... Oh... I needed to FINISH college? Oh, well...  Maybe I can fake it. If the POTUS can do it, it shouldn't be too difficult a task], right?




Day 6: Minions are assembled... Too bad they are all imaginary... No wonder nothing's getting done... Crap.... I've been barking orders about readying all sort of weapons that they were supposed to be helping to build... It seems I STILL don't have my super pimped out super villain ride and I have yet to come up wit my own theme song. <Sigh> this day was a waste......


Day 7: I tried to get in touch with the Super Powers Commission to try and obtain some kind of super power to use at my disposal. It wouldn't have to be a big one like super human strength or shape shifting or flying or even telekinesis or something. Maybe "warm" vision" or being able to call forth a herd of bunnies at my command or precision booger flicking right into the eye, You know... Start small and perhaps work my way up to something cooler. Yeah... No. Apparently it's a pretty ELITE group... Pfft! Well, they didn't need to keep laughing at me! Even AFTER I left the doors... and the building! Yeesh!


Day 8: No one is taking my threats of taking over the world seriously. I would have thought that someone would have at least perked up a little when I "Mwa ha ha"-ed and threatened to take over the world. You know... A "super hero" type that would have responded to me with an "Oh no you don't!" or something... How can I be a proper super villain if I don't have a super hero to be my nemesis? I thought the maniacal screaming and sinister "Mwa ha ha ha ha!" would have brought it all home, but I got nothing. I just got a few funny looks at the grocery store... Maybe perhaps I should have found an alternate venue to reveal my wicked plan for world domination...And planned it out a little better... :s




Day 9: Okay... So, becoming a super villain is proving to be far more difficult than I thought... Never mind then... I think I'll just stick to my original plans of becoming the Supreme Royal Highness and Ruler of Everything... Seems more realistic a goal anyway and I quite like the title.