My lazy days.....

I have them..... Lazy days. Hey, I can't be running around like a maniac all the time. There are some times when I need to stop and stare at the inside of my eyelids for a good solid three hours before I need to roll over and continue doing it..... Sure, I have a whole bunch of stuff that I have to get done, that I NEED to get done. Not necessarily pressing things or time sensitive things, but none the less, things that need to get done. I figure, I also need to get some vege time too. How affective and useful am I really going to be and how efficiently am I going to get things done if I'm fried?
I think people forget to stop and take a moment. I think they forget how important it can be sometimes. With the hustle and bustle of life going on at the speed of, well, life all the time, it seems such a waste that most people don't stop to appreciate things. Then before they know it, their lives have passed them by. My "lazy days" aren't always about just sitting around on my ass. I mean, sure, I'll be sitting around on my ass, but there is also a quiet reflection period going around inside my head as well as I re-evaluate things and weigh and measure things and sort out things in my mind as well as in my life. It's actually been quite helpful.
I get to take some time to see things clearly. Things I thought I had figured out, weren't and I can take the time to actually think things through some more. I can deal with all manner of things that require thought rather than action and it's quite a therapeutic process. It also helps me to be thankful for the things that I have as opposed to mourning that things that I don't. A quiet time for reflection.
I look back over my life and I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. I look to the future and I know that when I get there, I'll be looking back further and saying the same damn thing. I would hate to have to be looking back and saying to myself, "I really wish I would have taken more time out to SEE my life...."

The night sky.....

There is something about looking up into the night sky and looking at the stars. Depending on the day and how much caffeine I've had, it either fills me with awe, makes me feel small and insignificant or fills me with dread that it could all just end one day and <POOF!> we'd be blinked out of existence. If you keep looking up into the night sky, (especially when you are in the country where there aren't a lot of city lights) eventually you'll see a "shooting star". Seeing the moon in all of it's brightness, seeing all the twinkling stars.... There's something very romantic about it..... But it can also fill me with feelings of dread.... I think it might be because I watched Armageddon a couple of times. :sigh: My quirks are far too numerous to list in one place, I know that, but I'm glad that I have an outlet to display them all...... :s

Dollies.....

I was never really one for dollies. For one thing, I find them to be really creepy and honestly, they freak me out.
So, for Christmas I got my daughter a dollie. She'd been asking for one and I finally gave in and go her a dollie. One that she would like playing with and one that wouldn't give me the heebie jeebies every time I saw it lying around the house or something. She has different outfits for "Daisy" and she has tea parties and picnics and "sleepovers". They "talk" and they play and have a grand old time. My daughter eats with Daisy, sleeps with Daisy, watches TV with Daisy, takes care of Daisy, brushes Daisy's hair a bajillion times a day..... Daisy's outfit gets changed a multitude of times throughout the day as well as her shoes and hairstyle. It's a wonderful thing. It's kind of cute and I guess most little girls have that dollie love that those like me wouldn't understand. Whatever. It pleases her. I still think they're creepy though..... :s

When you can't go it alone.....

I am so very thankful that I have such an eclectic group of friends whom I know I can count on should I need anything. I am coming to find that I have a lot more strength than I thought. Not the physical kind, but the inner kind. I like fighting my own battles and getting things done my own way. There are, however, times when I, myself, cannot get accomplished the things I need to on my own. I normally don't like to have to rely on others to get done the things I need to do, but sometimes it is necessary. I think of all the "dilution' that can happen.... The more people you involve, the quicker it feels like the "original mission" gets watered down and the ultimate goal seems to get lost because everyone has their own ideas as to how to best get it done. There are times when I am not equipped to, I am not trained to, I am not licensed to, I am not able to, or whatever to accomplish some vital something in order to get something done. :sigh:
It is getting easier for me to relinquish the reins a little and ask for help when I need it. I actually HAVE people that I know I can count on. They're not going to tell me that they're going to do something to placate me, only to be looking for some kind of favor in return.  I know that the job tasked to them will get done in a timely manner and it will get done well and not some haphazard, half assed attempt that's a step above failure. I won't get the :eye roll: and the feeling that I'm putting them out. It's quite nice to be able to depend on someone and trust that I needn't worry.
I guess it was hard for me to ask for help because I was let down far too often in the recent past. I mean why the hell would I want to ask for help when it was always greeted like a burden and the end result was nothing more than some lame attempt and mediocre at best. Especially from the people that I should have been able to count on the most. And then I would have been expected to show gratitude and praise them for a job excellently done when in short, I could have done it myself better.
I see the way things should have been all along and I am grateful. I see it in a lot of things in my life, but I suppose that having had the worst, I can fully appreciate what I have now and DAMN, that's an awesome feeling.

Whatevs.....

There are just some things that weren't meant to be. They were meant to be left undone, unfound, un-whatever and we should just learn to let it go and move on. It's disheartening and sometimes kind of frustrating, but on the other hand.... Well, what the fuck are ya gonna do?
I've come across quite a few many snags in my "journey forward". As much as I would like to have certain things squared away, the reality is, I just don't think it's going to happen. Whatever... I can't do anything about it, I can't force it and I can't shoot it.
As frustrating as it is sometimes, it becomes petty and meaningless when I'm looking forward and seeing the rest of all the stuff I have to get done. As much as I would LOVE to be able to say that ALL of my t's are crossed and ALL of my i's are dotted, I know that it isn't realistic since I am counting on others to assure completion of these things. People that I cannot rely on, which is the reason they've been "dismissed" in the first place.
Sometimes, it's more frustrating than others, but I'm learning to cope and when the day is done, I really don't lose sleep over any of it.
There are times however, it does sort of matter and it is rather upsetting when I put in the effort to try and rectify a problem and it yields nothing but more frustration.

Volunteer class mom....

Being a volunteer mom in the classroom has its perks and rewards. I love being able to hang out with the little kids, they always seem so excited to see me when I pop into the classroom and it's fun. At the end of my "shift" I get hugs and pouts from all the kids begging me not to go and asking me if I'm going to come back again soon.... :sniffle: It's kind of cute....
The teachers will see that I am that kind of a goof and that I love being with the kids and sometimes ask me to go above and beyond what the average class mom might do because they know I'm a sucker for the kids and that I'm a goof and that I'll put on a good show... AND that I'm gonna do it.
Dang it.... I need to put on a better front..... Who am I kidding, the kids know I'm just a big a sucker as the teachers do.... Never mind.... Excuse me.... I have to go find my ears and fluffy tail and stuff and get ready for my day. I have to go draw whiskers on my face and find a pair of white sweatpants..... I can't disappoint the class..... :s

YAY! FUN!!!!!

I like the idea of having fun when I go out. It's not like I get to go out often, but when I do, I like to be able to cut loose a little and have fun. Not be told that I have to act a certain way, behave in a certain way, not say certain things and have restrictions up the wazoo put on me because I might embarrass the person/ people I'm with.
That's why I am SO very glad that my Puppy Guts is so like me that way. We get to go out and be ourselves and wouldn't know embarrassment simply because we're both laughing and giggling and acting like a couple of goofballs.... It's kind of cool!

As the smile falters.......

Nothing frustrates me more than having to have to put on the happy happy face and fake smile through conversations with people I have no respect for and don't like too much. Business situations are the worst. Grrr....... I mean, you can't exactly say, "Dude, you're a fucking idiot. Shut the fuck up right now and go away!" to someone you're trying to sell a patent to... Unfortunately....
Even in a "social" environment. Your buddy shows up with another somebody that makes your neck hairs stand on end...
I mean in a "stranger" scenario, I might be polite, I might not be. That's a crap shoot. It's going to depend on my mood and which side of the bed I woke up on. It's also going to depend on the offense perpetrated onto me that will determine the intensity of my wrath. Lip curl and a low growl or nuclear (pronounced a la W Noo-Cyoo-Lurr) holocaust.... Blech... people.
But no matter the situation, there does come a time when the friendly facade starts to crumble, the smile falters a little bit and things start going south. It is then that, with a single "look", you can voice your displeasure, sum up your opinion, and physically display the "I've had enough of your bullshit!" Although I'm still working on mine, the sentiments are still correctly displayed. It may not stop a person in their tracks yet, but it does certainly convey the thoughts on my mind without my having to utter a single word. I mean, come on. I don't have to be a loud, potty mouthed bitch ALL the time. If I can get it done with a look, why should I have to. Most people aren't worth the effort for a good, solid rant anyway. I'm feeling this sudden urge to go out and practice it. I am hoping that in a few more years time, I will have perfected it. Wish me luck!

You may refer to me as "Your Highness".....

I have my moments where I experience delusions of grandeur. I think that it's an important thing to feed one's ego from time to time. Something about a positive self image and maintaining it. Everyone should have these moments from time to time. I am not talking about being a selfish douche with an entitlement complex, I am talking about having a YAY ME! day and flaunting it. There really is something to be said for picking yourself up by your own bootstraps and go out and feel good about yourself if only for yourself. It's pretty awesome to do from time to time. I quite like having these days.

Computer idiot.....

I am not the most computer savvy person in the world. In fact I am quite the opposite of that. I am the most computer illiterate (to the point of retarded) person ever. I hate that moment where I'm reading something in Word and it asks me if I want to save.... And I don't remember making any changes...... I have erased documents, deleted all sort of shit that I didn't mean to delete, fucked up other crap and misaligned the feng shui of my ancient laptop on more than one occasion.
I have watched my whole laptop screen go blank while I went through yet another read through of my manuscript..... Turned out that I didn't have the damn thing plugged in.... I lost my changes and had to start all over again because I didn't save.....
I crashed the system once because I did something that it didn't like.... That was fun.... I'm usually winging it and most of the time I get something to work by sheer luck and begging and praying and promises of some kind of blood sacrifice. :sigh: I know that my laptop is getting older and she was ready to be retired some time ago, but I've been willing her forward because I need to get another year out of her.... So I try and baby her as much as possible. Soon. You can sleep soon... I promise.... For the time being, I need you to do the thing with the stuff and that other thing. 'K?

Dang it!

As much as I may be the villain in certain peoples' lives, I do have those that play the role of the villain in mine....
I suppose my arch nemesis right now is my pop. We hardly ever cross paths and we barely speak to one another. But when we do, there are usually fires to put out, wounds to attend to, building restorations that need to be made, tape, spackle, paint needing to be applied... Not pretty. Never fun.
In his old age, the ornery old bastard has become even more ornery and nasty and quite honestly, there are days that I'd stare at the back of his head, willing it to explode. It never happens, but none the less..... Rarely do we utter word one to each other simply because he knows I will not tolerate his shit and he realizes that he has gotten much too old to do battle.
It sort of takes the wind out of my sails however when he (knowing full damn well that I am struggling for money) does something completely out of character and tosses me his credit card and tells me to go fill up the tank in my car.  :slump:  Curse you! You have defeated me on this day, but there is always tomorrow.....

Happy Birthday, Boog!

My eldest son celebrates his 14th birthday today. Already a one year veteran of his teen years, it's hard to believe that my once squishy little baby boy who kept me in labor for four friggin' days is now a young man. A broody, moody change-y, constantly on the go, tall and lanky, squeaky voiced, kind of goofy, semi awkward young man, but a young man none the less. FOUR DAYS OF LABOR!!!!!!!!
My hopes for you are simple. Keep doing whatever it is that you're doing and make sure that day by day you try to improve on one little thing every day. You  are well on your way to growing into a good man and even though I know you think I am the UBER of dorks and stuff, I love you very much and I hope that someday you will come to see that everything I did, was because I love you. Someday, you will come to know a lot. Right now you only think you know everything.
I'm sure you'll think that I screwed up your birthday somehow, but well, it wasn't my intent and I did my best. I do hope you enjoy your day though. And yes, I made the animal cupcakes just like you wanted. :) Happy Birthday Boog! I love you!

Sometimes.....

As the stresses get less, I am coming to find that my bouts of O.C.D. aren't as bad as they used to be. I still have my moments, but most of the time, the things that I used to obsess about, don't seem to be such an issue any more.... I still find that lint all over something to be annoying or little stringy things that hang and maybe perhaps I still have an issue with numbers and counting and such, but the stresses related to them have gotten less severe. It's funny that a few years ago, I thought I needed to be on medication in order to deal with my issues. I thought I also had depression too..... I was also told that maybe perhaps all of my issues were all my fault and I SHOULD be medicated. I was also told that these issues that were causing me to feel the stresses were all in my head and that there wasn't a problem and to shut the fuck up.
It just turned out that I just had to get rid of a lot of useless baggage and clear my plate of the shit that got piled up on it to discover that it wasn't all me. I'm also kind of thankful that I decided NOT to take the meds. I've worked through the problems on my own and I don't think I would have gotten this far if I had been on some kind of medication. What do you know!

Mission accomplished!

I have decided that once a month, when I do not have my children and I am on my own, I will have a day where I do nothing. If I make it a mission for that day, I still accomplished something because that was the plan for that day, and I still got to sit around on my ass and watch my stories as it were.
So, I will no longer feel bad for not having done anything because it was my mission for that day. I no longer have to feel guilty for having gotten nothing productive accomplished because my mission was to do nothing and THAT got accomplished.... Well. It is an amazing thing how much effort I can put into my laziness and the only lamentation I have is when the remote is all the way over by my feet.....
WOOT!

Trouble....

As I continue on my path, I have come across some of the many things that I need to fix. Apologies that need to be made, things I need to let go of, anger that I need to stop harboring, certain things that I have to face facts about. I've seen trouble, experienced trouble, caused trouble, started trouble, thought about how to make trouble, made trouble, and going back through, I know there are still many things that I need to make right. Mostly karma things, but I think I'm off to a very good start.
Little by little, I'm moving forward, and it still feels good.

Happy Birthday, Moob!

Today brings the birthday of my second eldest son, who celebrates his 10th birthday. The double digits. OMG! Where did the time go? I still see your tiny little "angry newborn face" and remember the feeling and sensation of holding your teeny tininess in my arms. All the wishes and thoughts I had for you, all the words I whispered to you through the long nights in the hospital before we got to go home....
It's hard for me to believe how much you've grown. I am so proud  that you are turning into such a fine young man with all your hopes and ambitions right there on your sleeve while you chug forward to try and go after your dreams.
Wishing you so many more happiness-s than the tons that you have given to me over the years. I love you Moob!
Happy Birthday!

Buh-bye...

As I lay down my burdens and drop the bricks one by one, I find that I am letting go of a lot of people in my life that have kept me down and kept me from moving forward.
Cutting ties with people isn't always as easy as it seems, but when the task is done, it is rather liberating. And cutting ties doesn't necessarily mean not ever seeing someone again, but just letting go of everything that tied you to them. To truly not care, you have to let go of everything. The good, the bad.... EVERYTHING. It sounds simple enough to do, but the reality is, it's easier said than done.
It's easy to feel an emotion about someone you know. Hate, anger, pure detestation..... I'm sure you get it. And for whatever it is, it's so easy to get caught up in the petty things, especially when they're negative. Letting things go isn't always an easy thing, but the point is, going through the process of WHY you hold onto these things and reasoning things out and working through the things in your own time is quite therapeutic and very enlightening. I love having lived through my own processes and coming out the other side successfully. I'm going through, one by one and dealing with with the process over and over, but I'm coming to find that even this gets easier to do with time. :sigh: Moving forward.... :)

Sleepytimes.....

There is nothing like a good, solid, drool into your pillow, go to sleep and wake up when you're ready to wake up, feel rested, awesome dream, ready to rock and roll, take on the world night of sleep that leaves you feeling refreshed and fabulous!
Too bad it doesn't happen all that often..... :s

Much like Christmas, another one of those gift-y holidays....

Much like Christmas, this is another one of those Christian holidays with one of those elusive night stalkers that leave stuff for the kids, a tradition that has nothing to do with the holiday itself....
That being said though, it is a parent's job to make sure that the Easter eggs get hidden all over the place and stuff and the plastic eggs are filled with candy and cheap toys and whatnot...... Another of those holidays where a parent has to do all the work, just to have all the glory taken by some made up folklore something or another..... Pfft.... Great.

Spring-ity Spring!

Having survived another winter season, we start to see some prettier days.... Ahhhh..... I really hope we get to have some nice spring days before we get slammed with a brutally hot and humid summer......

Rules that don't grow old.....

There are just some universal "rules" that no matter how old you get, still apply. The "licking it so it's mine" is timeless and ageless and I use it quite often. Ten second rule.... Come on. You've used it recently. You know you have. EVERY empty wrapping paper tube is a sword... Bubble wrap IS a source of entertainment....
There are just some things that people don't outgrow because they can't. It's like the natural order of things. Don't even try to deny. Shut up. You know you do....

Pictionary....

I was never really good at this game. Mostly because I can't draw to save my life. Whatever I draw all looks the same. The same squiggly lines, with dots and lopsided circles..... It's fun to play when I don't have to draw the pictures though. I have seen this game get rather intense and pretty serious. I mean REALLY serious. My friends and I once watched a long time relationship fall to pieces and the break up happen during a particularly intense game of pictionary.... It was really kind of awkward and very stupid..... I guess they weren't as firm and rock steady in their relationship as they thought.... And seriously.... It's a GAME....  Oh, never mind. If I have to explain it, you're not gonna understand it anyway.

Dream nomming......

There is nothing more upsetting to me than to dream of some kind of tasty nom, enjoy eating it in my dream, wake up in the middle of enjoying said tasty dream nom and be hungry....
Then in the morning, after discovering that you are still craving the thing you dream nommed about, only to discover that you don't have all the proper ingredients to make the thing that you are now craving that you had dreamed about eating the night before.
GAAAAH!!!!! So off to the grocery store and you're furiously going through the aisles to find all the stuff to make the nom you dream nommed and rush back home. Slapping the ingredients together and making the concoction takes time, but you're still good.... It's ON now.
You finally plate up the nom that you dream nommed about and that you craved when you woke up, only to discover that you're now in the mood for something else, but you eat the other nom anyway because you went through the trouble of shopping for it and making it, but it doesn't taste nearly as good as it did when you dream nommed it..... :s
What do you mean it's just me that this happens to? :s

Pizza.....

There really is not more a perfect food than pizza (other than bacon). You pile on all sorts of other nommy nom noms on top of the nommy thing and you have the perfect delivery system for the nommy nom noms on top of the nommy thing. You got all sorts of nommy things that you can pile on top of the pizza, customizing the nom-osity of the pizza to your own personal specifications and voila! Nomminess!
Guess what WE'RE having for dinner tonight?

Donut......

I like donuts. Krispie Creme if I can find them, but Dunkin' will do just fine. A simple tasty delicious treat that gives me a little happy in my tummy..... I know I should be eating things that are better for me and whatnot, but what can I say. I also like the junk too.

Donuts. It's what's for breakfast! :D

April fools day....

I plan on staying in the comforts of my room to avoid getting silly stringed by some random stranger or whatever on this day...
I hate it.... It's like a day where people are given carte blanche to do whatever they want and as if by some magic, they will be forgiven just by saying "APRIL FOOLS!" Pfft! Screw the fuck out of that!
If I should need to go out, I plan on going out fully armed to the teeth and I am going to try and avoid people whenever possible. I will wear my "Don't fuck with me!" face and stalk around and stomp in broody teenager fashion and I think all should be fine. I can't wait until tomorrow when we can be done with this nonsense.