What NOT to do when your wife is in labor...

Can I just tell you that no matter how many kids you have, there is always a certain amount of stress for a woman when she goes into labor! Sure, the dad to be is probably experiencing some stress too. I get it. I'm not trying to minimize that... Much...
Men cannot possibly imagine the Herculean effort it takes to spooge out a 7-8+lbs. mini person out their hoohahinal region... In having gone through the process four times, I've compiled a list of DON'T s, just because...
1.) Don't cower in a corner or a different room or a bar or something when your baby mama is in labor. Seriously. Yeah, it's scary for you, but it's even more scary for her because she is actually experiencing it!
2.) Don't point and laugh and minimize the pain of labor. That just makes you an asshole. If you want to say stuff like "It can't hurt that bad!" try stuffing a whole walnut up your pee hole and passing it.
3.) Don't tell the laboring woman, "You know what? I'm tired too!" It just shows you're an asshole.
4.) If it happens in the middle of the night, don't make excuses... Get the fuck up! Things you shouldn't say at this time:
            a. "Well, the doctor said come into the hospital, but can I just get 10 more minutes?
            b. "Can I just jump in the shower real quick then?"   
            c. "I'll go get the car, here's your suitcase. Bring it down with you and lock the door, okay?"   
             d. "I'm stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for a cup of coffee and a doughnut. Wait in the car will ya?"  
            e. "Yuck! Your water broke? That's disgusting...."    
            f. "Okay, well you go walk around the hall like the doctor said. I'm going to stay here with my laptop."    
5.) When the laboring woman says to you, "I FUCKIN' WANT A FUCKIN' EPIDURAL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" Don't roll over and respond by farting.
6.) When the laboring woman says, "Get the doctor right now, I need to push!" don't ask her to hold on a second or two. Now means NOW!