Happy New Years Eve!

Tonight we will be celebrating New Years Eve with the whole brood. We will undoubtedly be snacking on tasty noms, watching movies of some sort, and drinking out sparkling cider and having a great time, safely at home, while everyone else braves the insanity of the parties and the aftermath of drunken drivers. To tell you the truth, I'd much rather be in a place where the most important people in my life are gathered together with me to ring in the New Year. I win!

Here's wishing you all a safe and happy New Year and junk and stuff like that. See you in 2014!

I don't know why this popped into my head.......

So, I was having a restless night, and I couldn't quiet the chatter in my head enough to NOT hear this random thought that was bouncing around in my cranium. You can't sniff your own bellybutton. You will never really know what your own bellybutton smells like from the source. I mean, sure you can stick your finger in there and sniff your finger, but it's already tainted with your finger smell. If you think about it, everyone else can smell your bellybutton, but you can't smell your own.....

Yes. I know. This was given WAY more thought than it should have been given. I don't even think it really should have been a thought that crosses anyone's mind. Ever..... But this is my life.

Where do babies come from?

I'm pretty honest with my kids. I don't beat around the bush or tell them little white lies to save their fragile little egos and stuff like that. I pretty much tell it like it is. I don't think that beating around the bush or telling them half truths or whatever does a child any amount of good. I think it's important for them to have a firm grasp of reality from the get go and not some candy coated, easy to swallow bullshit, because what purpose does that serve? What's going to be worse for them in the long run. A dose of reality now or a dose of reality when their rainbows and unicorn dream world comes crashing down all around them. Yeah.... Chew on that for a while.

Happy chowder?

Well, the last time I attempted to make chowder, it ended in tragedy. 

Well, here comes another attempt at making chowder. Puppy Guts is sleeping, so there's no chance of him burning it this time.

I am going to get the potatoes to potate. Then I'm going to get the bacon all sexy as fuck. I'm going to group sex some onions, celery, butter 'n' herbs 'n' shit and let them make sexy time in some white wine and bacon fat. (YEAH, BABY!!!!) Get some garlic 'n' cream 'n' happy mollusks to orgy in all that love juice! Then it's all going to get some sprinkle time with parsley and everything! (Hey now!) Yup! It's gonna get that sour dough bread all pregnant with the bonery goodness of pure awesome chowder-osity...... :screaming orgasm: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Yeah.... Prepping all this is like the foreplay to this tasty food porn. It takes a solid hour and a half. Seriously. I strain the fuck out of the clam juice to get out all the grit and shit. I rinse to fuck out of the clams to get them to NOT smell like sloppy vaginas.  Gotta use white wine to kill off some of the low tide-ness of the clam chowder. But the shit turns out downright sexy! And when the whole batch mingles and makes sweet, sweet love in the pot overnight, it turns into an even better panty soaking delight.

Yes, my recipes DO say shit like, "Rinse the fuck out of them so they don't smell like sloppy vaginas...." and "....chop the shit out of those bitches", "let that shit make sexy time for a while...", "....close the lid and give it private time to spoo their flavor goo on each other and mix that shit up..." Yeah, my recipes get pretty graphic, which is the reason why I don't exchange recipes with people too often. They just can't handle the fact that food is like porn to me. It is very sexy sexual in my world. I LOVE food. It's some pretty hard core, pornographic stuff right there. Yeehaw! And this chowder is just about a sexy as it gets.

The strangest thing happened.....

So, Puppy Guts and I were sitting on the couch and THIS conversation took place:

Me: I think these skateboards I got the boys for X'mas were designed by a professional skater. The way they're built and crafted, you can tell someone really enjoys what they do.

Puppy Guts: Shit! How do I get a job being a "professional", doing something I enjoy?

Me: Well.... Like what?

Puppy Guts: Sitting around, jerking off, while drunk.......

Me: So, get elected to congress.....

Puppy Guts: I hereby announce my candidacy for office!

It's strange to think, but I think he would really have a chance at winning..... GAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! And yet, a scary thought......

Getting caffeinated......

I KNOW that caffeinated beverages do me NO amount of good. I mean, it does allow me to do more stupid things faster, but it destroys what little ability I have to stay focused and... SQUIRREL!

But there are days when I need the turbo boost in order to get going. It's not that it wakes me up so much as it gets me moving. It helps to twitch parts of my body into a spastic series of movements that simulates conscious functions and actions. But when I've reached the acme of caffeination, I am a tornado of efficacy, productivity, accomplishment and superior performance..... And by that I mean, I may fall on my face a lot and get distracted very easily, but I get all the shit done (even though it's MY way), it gets done right (because I did it my way) and it gets done well.

The combination of ADD and caffeine ain't all bad all the time. Shut the fuck up and get the fuck over it bitches! Stop preaching to me about it when you haven't a clue.

Merry X'mas..... I guess.... If you're in to that kind of stuff......

'Twas the evening of Christmas, my Guts NOT at work, 

patrolling the streets for what evil may lurk. (WOO HOO!!!!)

We've stashed all the holiday stuff all away, 

No more Christmassy stuff here, I'm glad. Yes! HOORAY!

The house is all looking all barren and clean,

the Christmas thing over which makes me feel keen.

New years is coming right 'round the bend, 

But holiday greetings, we wanted to send!

I don't need to wait for my Guts to come home, 

tired and achy from beats he did roam.

This year I have my man close by my side, 

to love and to hug on this merry yuletide.

Still, Mossy and Colt are all stoked by the bed, 

Browning and taclight sit right by my head. 

What can we say, yeah. that's just how we roll. 

Armed to the teeth, so that pain we can dole.

Hope you all had a great holiday time,

but now I have come to the end of my rhyme

Happy holidays from us and ours to you and yours. No I'm not going to start listing all the freaking holidays that people celebrate n shit like that. I will just say "Happy <your holiday of choice here>!"  I am going to continue to Bah Humbug over here in the corner in the dark and wait for Lucky to bring me my noms because BAH! I hate the holidays. Go away!

X'mas Eve.....

'Tis the day before Christmas, four children not here, 

but two of them will be to have some good cheer. 

The four other babies are off with their dad,  

great times expected for all to be had. 

Christmas with our brood is dusted and done, 

now off to see family for wine, food and fun. 

Then off to our home, Guts and I will come back, 

to celebrate our own brand of fun in the sack. 

Shed off the holiday clothes in a hurry, 

we'll spare you the details of it, don't you worry.

Won't actually share with you what happens next, 

besides I don't think it would translate to text.

Hope you all have a great holiday time. 

And thank you for reading my holiday rhyme.

Happy holidays n stuff I guess.... If you're into that shit.

Well, I'm almost there, I only need to survive another week and all this nonsense will finally be over, and I wont' have to worry about it again until next year..... Sooooooooo close.....

Snow.....

We're getting to that time of year when we here in New England can expect to be seeing the wintry precipitations we are so famous for. I don't like it. I was all fussed and worried about the holidays, and now that they are over for me, I'm coming to realize what season we are in.... Last year, our winter wasn't that bad. It was relatively mild and we hardly got any snow. We DID get that one blizzard, and as you can see here, we got a pretty healthy bit of snow. But that was really about all. There really wasn't too much else of note.

I've been hearing all sorts of predictions for this winter. A shit ton of snow to another very mild winter like last year.... I'm not sure who to believe really. It's not like the weatherpeople are accurate when they are trying to tell us what the weather is going to bring anyway...... Despite their years of schooling and knowledgeable ability to use sophisticated equipment, they still have no idea what the fuck is going to be going on with the weather. And once they think they have an idea, Mother Nature tells them to fuck themselves and throws them all for a loop. Awesome. Yay snow...... :C

Round 2.....

So here we are now, about to celebrate the second round of X'mas morning, this time with all six of the kids.....  We've successfully made it through the second round of X'mas eve stuff, and the anticipation of another X'mas morning for the kids got to be a little much last night, but somehow we survived...... They'll be knocking on the door pretty soon, I'm sure, wanting to open the presents and get to playing with their stuff and doing whatever it is that they do..... Relief is starting to wash over me because it's starting to come to a close. I only need to survive a few more days before we can get back to normal..... WOO HOO!!!!! Bah humbug season is coming to a close. In the meantime, I think I might be hearing a small little hand scratching at the door wonder if it's time to open presents yet.... Meh. Why not.....

Round 1......

Yup..... Round one will be going on today..... The first of the fake x'mas mornings..... The house is still quiet for the time being, but I'm sure that the children will be stirring at any moment. The tree lights are on and all of the presents have been successfully hidden all over the place for the kids to run around and find and bring to the family room. There will be paper shredding and ear piercing SQUEEEEEEEE's happening.... I'm sure at one point, I will stab myself at least once with a screwdriver trying to put something together, as well as spend part of the morning freezing my ass off as I sort through the trash looking for a small, but important part of a toy outside..... And this is all before I set to work in the kitchen making breakfast, which they will inevitably be hungry for just as I cross the threshold after successfully finding that small piece of the stupid toy, delirious from the cold and in pain from the frostbite, after being outside for an hour and a half...... YAY! Bring on ROUND 1!

Shmishmash......

Tonight kicks off the holiday celebration with my children. Despite the fact that I hate the holidays and wish they didn't exist at all, I will not deny my children from having one. Yes, I got them a tree. Yes we decorated it. Yes, I budget every year in order to get them the stuff that they want. Yes, we have a "special meal" which is ALWAYS Japanese Hibachi because fuckin' YUM! Yes, we wake up the next morning at some god awful hour in the morning so that they can run around the house looking for their presents.... (Santa doesn't come to our house. We have a confused X'mas Troll named Randy, who hides the presents like Easter eggs. He also hides dirty socks..... I don't know.... ) We'll spend the day with Lucky and his kids and we'll do arts and crafts and decorate the tree and drink cocoa and play and make gingerbread houses and sit for family portraits and watch holiday movies and have dinner. Then we'll wake up in the morning and we'll do another "X'mas morning" with all the kids and have breakfast and blah, blah, blah.... It will be overwhelming, but worth the efforts. Not that I'm admitting it, but I may not be as BAH HUMBUG right now as I normally am. Shut up.

Blah X'mas.....

We're definitely in the full swing of the holiday season now. The stores are overcrowded with rude and stupid people. Everyone is getting more rabid and crazy trying to prepare for the season of overindulgence and gluttony. But the great news is, I am done with everything that I need to do. Thanks to the interwebs, that saves me from having to elbow my way through the crowds and mobs, I managed to get most of my shopping done. I faced one terrible day picking up the odds and ends and now, I am officially done with this holiday nonsense. In a couple of days time, I will be celebrating the fake X'mas with my Lucky and all the kids and it'll all be done and I can forget about all this shit until next year when it menacingly lurks again. For now, I am just thrilled that I only have to get through a few more sleeps and this will all just be gone. Like a terrible nightmare that has been plaguing me since November.....

The X'mas list........

Now, to give you a sense of the chaos that is my mind, I present to you the X'mas list. Color coded and sorted my names and code words and general insanity brought to me by my OCD in a language that only my ADD mind can decipher. I have driven people to madness with my lists and my love of lists. They all usually reek of some kind of crazy and looks like an enigma wrapped in the psychosis of a madwoman. They overwhelm the simpler minded people and they may look like garbled gibberish, but it all makes sense to me. And if people get in the way of my madness and it forces me to have to stray from these lists, there is always hell to pay....... Leave me and my lists alone. We are quite happy with the way things are and we get the shit done. THAT is what matters.

Mr. Creamy Paws

Our Senshido brother, Corey Hawes, AKA Mr. Creamy Paws, passed away a few days ago after his battle with cancer. He left behind a loving wife, a a handsome young son, a beautiful little daughter, amazingly supportive parents, and a laundry list of friends and family. People, including Puppy Guts and myself, were truly blessed to have had Corey enter into our lives and we were truly inspired by Corey and the way he lived his life and the way he bravely shared his battle with cancer. He shared his hopes, his triumphs, his fears, his feelings and even his bad days and he really didn't hold back much. But he remained strong and steadfast, and always had a kind word to say regardless of how he was feeling. He showed people gratitude, love, compassion and friendship. He always made the people around him, even the ones he had just met, feel like they belonged there all the while, in his circle of friends. I have to say, I'm very sure I learned a lot about life in general from this guy. And what's strange is that, I'd never actually met him. But it didn't seem to matter to him. And quite frankly, it didn't matter to us. He was "our brother" all the same. 

Corey's good friend Jim sort of summed it all up perfectly for the rest of us who aren't so good with the words thing (well..... me.):
"Love long and hard and help those we meet along the way. Corey wanted people to live their life to the fullest and to love as much as they can. Every little bit we do in this direction is what he wanted and it's exactly what we should all be doing." 

We should ALL remember that. 

And now, it is with heavy heart that I, along with many others say, "Rest in peace, friend. Thanks for those valuable lessons." 

My love and condolences are with Corey's family and friends, along with hugs and stuff too. 

Do.Not.Want.

The frenzy is reaching critical mass here as the countdown to the most anticipated holiday for little kids draws near. Children all over the place wondering whether their wishes will be fulfilled and whether or not that fat judgmental bastard is going to bring them all the things they've asked for.... Grown ups are in a crazed rush to buy MORE stuff their loved ones don't need and overspending on shit that they'll be struggling to pay off because..... Well, I don't know why they do the things they do. I hate the holidays, and now they really are here. I get forced into a crowded grocery store because everyone and their mother is there for... I don't even know why. I avoid going anywhere that isn't a necessity because I HATE PEOPLE. This time of year may bring out the worst in me, but I am not the only one AND it on;y brings out the worst in me because it brings out the worst in other people that I may be forced to interact with. I probably tell more people off during the last couple of months of the year than I do any other time. I mean, yes, tons of people with get the tongue lashings from me throughout the other part of the year, but not as much this time of the year right here. People are even MORE rude than ever and the absolute batshit crazy that happens is just something to hit! I swear if I get heel smacked with another shopping cart, I am going to lose my shit. FUCK!

Voices.....

Some people have those "iconic voices"  that no matter what, if you hear their voice, you know EXACTLY who the fuck it is.... I'm also betting that you said "titty sprinkles" in your head in Morgan Freeman's voice too. And if you didn't, you're totally doing it right now. Shut up. You know it's true. I may be dating myself here, but Tone Loc is another one of those.... The tonal quality of his voice is totally unmistakeable. How about inflection.... I mean, think about John Malkovich or Christopher Walken. Just a certain something about Chris Tucker's voice and you totally know it's him, no matter what. Can you imagine Samuel L. Jackson having a different voice? I don't fucking think so. I mean, watching voice over stuff and you're gonna know who it is that's doing certain of the voices that you hear, like John Goodman being Sulley and Billy Crystal being Mike in Monster's Inc. I mean, you just KNEW who it was. You can see their faces doing the voices coming out of the characters that they were playing.... Yes.... Way too much thought into a random subject that someone in my head was discussing.

Ew.... Strangers......

I really don't like people too much. I don't enjoy getting touched by strangers. I don't like people who are close talkers. I like to keep my distance from people whom I don't know. I have been known to sneeze on people, fart loudly, flail my arms or just be plain out fucking obnoxious or weird by being just as annoying as the other person, giving them a taste of their own medicine. I don't like being in a crowd. I don't like it when it's too loud. I just don't like it. And THEN, if I am put into that situation and to top it off, I get people I don't know trying to talk to me, I get even MORE awkward. I get told that it's a defense mechanism. I use awkward as a way of getting away from people. I will leave abruptly in the middle of a conversation. I will say something that is completely off topic and borderline rude or inappropriate. Anything that will get me out of whatever is going on there so that I can be NOT there. I will even go as far as to say things like, "Um.... So, this is weird and I'm gonna go be somewhere that's not here. So, you stay here and whatever. I'm going to go NOT be here." Sometimes I will follow up and say things like "K. Bye." and sometimes I will just walk away. Whatever. It works. I know it makes people think I'm weird. My friends are the people who have already seen passed all of that and have stuck around anyway because.... Well, I'm still trying to figure that part out. :)

Blech......

The interwebs are a magical place where you can find everything that your sick sick mind can come up with. Seriously. I always find myself wandering around the webs for interesting recipes, blurbs about current events, interesting videos about animals. theme pictures for blog posts, craft ideas for the kids, whatever. Sometimes, I come across amazing things. Sometimes, disturbing. And then there are the times when I come across the saddest stories on the face of the planet.... Especially the ones involving our soldiers coming home to their VERY excited dogs, or animal rescue stories or kids being sick stories or some kind of something that will leave me a sobbing pile of snot, drool and tear covered hot mess, clutching onto a wad of soggy tissues while I hug the box, wailing away like a weirdo because I couldn't look away or stop scrolling through the stories or stop the video...... Yeah.... So that.

Theme songs!

Music carries a certain weight with all of us. I mean, who hasn't Dun dun, dun dah, dun dun, dun dah-ed the theme to Mission : Impossible when doing something that they weren't supposed to be doing or heard in the backs of their minds, a love song that you associate with their significant other when they saw them. There's something to be said for the music we have in our lives. The styles and genres may vary from person to person, but you cannot say that you don't have certain theme songs in your own life. A soundtrack, if you will. And if you try and say that you don't, I will call you a liar and keep going on here because you're a liar. Yes you do. Shut the fuck up. Get over yourself. We ALL have a soundtrack and theme music. So, go on and turn up the volume on that shit today and go forth and have an awesome day.

The youngest of four....

My youngest is a little girl who was honed, shaped, and trained by three older brothers. I doubt she would be the same little kid if she didn't have three older brothers. She will wear a pink frilly dress and don a tiara and sparkly magical fairy princess wand, load a up a Nerf gun to shoot you up with and then beat you with a toy hammer when she runs out of foam darts. She will primp in the bathroom, fix her hair, put on lip gloss and smear "war paint" on her face to go hide in the closet to ambush you and shoot you up with suction cup arrows. She will dress up as a pink ballerina/ fairy, and turn around and call herself the Pink Terror (compliments of her brothers) and go hands on and challenge you to a wrestling match. (Got to watch for those elbows that she throws with deadly accuracy too..... ) Yeah... I am thoroughly convinced that it is a direct result of having three older brothers that she likes to be all girlie girl cute AND an absolute brute at the same time...... o_O

Thanks genetics!

It's really a gigantic surprise to me that I'm not a 500 pound fat thing.... I really have no will power when it comes to certain foods. I also have a tender spot for certain fast foods as well. And the fact that I really don't like this "exercise" thing.... Well, I mean, I do try to watch what I eat. It's not like I'm stuffing my face with cupcakes all the time. And I do try to get in my daily workouts. I hate them and they hurt, but I get it done...... But still.

We've moved into the holidays and with the holidays comes the noms. The nommy noms that makes all this holiday nonsense somewhat tolerable. I mean, we are talking the whole nine yards of all the nommy foods that are abundant and awesome and brings me comfort to get through what would otherwise be an intolerable nightmare.....

Thank whatever powers that be for genetics because I am convinced, I am an obese thing trapped in a 5'2" 97lbs body.... Life is good.

I hate this time of year.....

Yeah.... It's that time of year. I can no longer run from it. I can no longer hide from it. it is here. And of course, we all know that this is the time of year that brings out the worst in me because I hate the holidays. I know. I've posted about this almost every day now that we've gotten in to December..... But now that we have gotten in to December, there are CONSTANT reminders that it is that time of the year that I hate. A lot. And I can't seem to get away from it. It's always right there in my sour mug, in all its flashing lights and sparkly tinseled glory. Jingle bells and the smell of peppermint and cinnamon is EVERYWHERE and I makes me sick. :C

Bah humbug, this sucks donkey balls.

It's beginning to look a lot like...NO.

Far be it for me to "ruin" X'mas for little kids, but when I do the X'mas thing with them, I stay away from the mainstream "traditional" shit. Santa doesn't come to our house. We have a X'mas troll that comes and hides dirty socks and presents all over the house. We eat Japanese hibachi stuff for supper instead of turkey or ham or whatever. We watch Spaceballs and Nightmare Before Christmas instead of Charlie Brown Christmas and Frosty the Snowman.

Sure, the older ones know that Santa's not real. I think even the middle ones have an inkling too, although they're not gonna admit it since they still get the goods from the fat guy. I've got the little one who, I'm betting dollars to doughnuts, still hasn't completely wrapped her mind around the whole fucking concept, but doesn't really give a shit anyway because whether or not there is a Santa or not, there are still presents under the tree for her.

So, how do I respond when I get asked by little kids whether there really is a Santa? Well, I usually go with the tame, "Well, as long as YOU believe, then Santa will always be real for you and leave you presents and stuff....." I hate the holidays.....

Looking for minions......

I know that I would be WAY more productive if I had minions. Minions whom I can send out to do my bidding or take care of some of the things I need to get done so that I can make a more concerted effort in bringing to life my plans to take over the world. You know, concentrate on my plans for world domination and have my minions carry out my ideas for me without questions or complaints. Just get that shit done and ask, "Will there be anything else?" or, "What else can we do?" It'd be so awesome. And then for me to start shaping the world into what I would deem to be perfect. Yeah.... So far all I've got are dreams, ideas and the kids, whom I have yet to get to put down the freaking toilet seats and take out the garbage on garbage day when asked to do so. :sigh:

Hah!!

I don't even know.....

Ah, the joy of the interwebs. Here. I found this. You can have it because I don't even know....

Stupid vs. Stoopid.....

The word "stupid" should really be spelled "stoopid". Then, depending on the level of stupidity, you can add in extra "o"s and take it from "stoopid idiot" to "stoooooooooopid idiot". But then again, I guess that's what the word "fuckin'" comes in. Bah..... Whatever. I mean, I feel that way about a lot of words. Words that we use every day. Something gets so lost in the written word sometimes. I mean, it's not to say that we can't be moved by words. But there is some interpretational inaccuracies that can't EXACTLY be rectified in the written word. THey have to be heard and felt and experienced sometimes. I think if we HAD certain fonts, like "sarcasm", or "pure rage" or "elation" or "utter sadness", it would make things so much easier in my opinion. At least that way, the intent behind the words would be full understood and felt when it's written (or typed, as it were....) And then, depending on the spelling of the word, it expresses to level at which the word should be felt. 

Bah..... Never mind. Honestly? The English language is already confusing enough with all it's spelling happinesses and grammatical rules and whatnot.  

Glah....

If there was a world that didn't have you here in this reality, I would probably be a better person. Maybe it would be because I didn't exist in your reality. Maybe it would be because I DID exist, but you would have had no part of shaping who it is that I became......... I'm really not too sure how to perceive this. It's a thought that runs through my mind quite a bit sometimes. It's one of those things that I try to process, but it never really comes to any kind of tangible something that I can actually wrap my mind around in order to determine whether it would be something to ponder on any more. I mean, i have become shaped and molded by everything in my life up until now. I suppose I would be a different person had I not experienced the major events in my life as well as the minor everyday type shit. But then, what kind of person would I be? I mean, obviously, if I were a different person, I doubt I'd be living the same life I am right now. I mean, I doubt I would have made the same choices in life, I doubt I would have made the same decisions, good or bad, that continued to shape me into the person that I ultimately would have become. Would I have become something that right now, this reality me would like? And just the same, if bizzarro world me came into contact with MY reality me, what would that me think of this me? I'm sure that some of the traits that I have would still probably be present, but then again..... Like for example, if my parents weren't my parents, then obviously, I wouldn't exactly be me any more. I mean I might have been a sea pig or a fungus of some variety. Talk about reality switcheroo. Like Inception or Butterfly Effect or It's a Wonderful Life type shit. It is WAY too early in the fucking morning to be thinking this deeply (well, as deep as I can get anyway...) about existential shit like this. Now I'm all tired and worn out from doing the thinking thing. Blech.... I'm gonna need another cup of coffee.

Road trips.....

When on a road trip, I don't know who's worse. Me or the kids. Seriously. I can't stand being in a car for longer than 30 -45 minutes TOPS! Seriously. Even if I'm the one driving, I just can't do it.

I get irritable and cranky and everything starts to annoy me. I try and think about other things, but it never quite works out. I try to distract myself, but I get all car sick and blah. I try to sleep, but find that I can't. FUCK!!!! That's why road trips are kind of not too possible. I hate them.

NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!

It's here...... December first..... I may or may not have been in denial about it up until now, but there really is no denying it now. The "holiday season" is upon us. The level of crazy out on the streets and the stores I have to frequent out of necessity is starting to climb. I can FEEL the rapid decline of my mood.... And don't even get me started on the shopping that needs to get done..... FUCK!

If I hear one person say to me, "Well, 'tis the season!" I'm am going to smack them. In the  mouth. With a hammer.

Christmas vs. X'mas.....

It's not to say I am a blasphemer of sorts..... It's not to say that I'm not either. I mean, I am pretty much agnostic, and when it comes to the holidays, I'm pretty much a big Bah Humbug of epic proportions, but I think I have pretty good fucking reason to be. First of all, Christmas is not REALLY Christmas. Jesus wasn't born in December..... Y'all knew that right? Christmas is actually a pagan holiday. It celebrates rape and pillaging and all around disorder and mayhem. All the "symbols" of Christmas are actually all pagan too. All you church goers are really actually going to church on December 24th and 25th for the wrong fucking reasons. And don't even get me started on that fat bastard Santa, the baby touching elf molester....

And seriously? When did the birth of Christ really become about commercialism, overspending money that you don't have, gluttony, sloth, envy, greed and whatever other sin that Jesus was against? Seems rather foolish to me that here people are celebrating their supposed "holy holiday" by doing the exact opposite of what their religious idol is telling them to do, going against EVERY belief that they supposedly have, and they start yelling at me about what an evil blasphemer I am? Hey, you know what? That may be true. I may or may not be a blasphemer, but at least I wear that shit right out in the open and don't hide what I am, unlike you hypocrites who pretend to be what y'all say you are and go against the word of your god and the very words he used to outline what a good member of the  flock should be doing. You pretend christians and pretend catholics.....  I'M going to hell? I already knew that, but it's not for the reasons ya'll might be thinking!

I mean, it's one of the holidays that supposed "Christians" and "Catholics" go to church for.... I mean, it's the only time... Unless it's to subject their children to outdated rites and rituals that really don't teach the values and morals that the bible allegedly is supposed to impart unto people..... I mean, these rituals are just plain ridiculous, but are done because, "That's what we do...." I'm sure that the idols that you pray to and ritualize and worship are so fucking proud.

So really?  SHUT THE FUCK UP, that I call the stupid holiday X'mas. It's really all make believe and it really doesn't matter what the fuck I call it. I can call it Slappy Dappy Ding Dong Day Dot Com :hashtag: yoloswaggity and it's still not going to change the fact that it's really not what you think it is.

Online Christmas Shopping......

Online Christmas shopping is probably the greatest thing since sliced bread. It saves me from having to go to overcrowded stores and dealing with people. It saves me from the hassle of fighting my way through aisles and aisles of shit and I don't have to deal with people. Did I mention that I don't have to deal with people? Yeah. I wouldn't have to deal with people. Which is awesome. I am not able to get ALL of the X'mas shopping done online, which leaves me having to have to go to the stores for some shit, but less shit is still less shit and if it saves me from spending less time among people, it's still a win. YAY, INTERNET!

Happy Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and yours from me and mine.

May you eat tons of noms and not remember that the rest of the holidays are creeping up and that it's only going to get crazier and stuff.....

Just pass me a plate of food and leave me alone while I sit here in the closet. I want to savor and enjoy the nommy noms, but hide from what's coming. I hate the holidays.... It's officially BAH HUMBUG season. :C

Fat.

Is it laziness or lack of motivation or what? I don't know. I mean, as of late, I had joined the ranks of the unfit. But I'm doing something about it. I don't like it, but I get it done. It takes a certain kind of commitment, I get it, but still. It needs to get done, but I don't like it.

It also takes a certain kind of commitment to let yourself go and keep on letting it happen too. I am not talking about illness that robbed you of it. I am talking about the conscious neglect of oneself. I mean, to the point where you have gone from "unfit" to "Are you the thing that ATE your former incarnation??!?!?" It's all too common place now out in the world around us. And it scares me.

I mean, if you think about it, it's getting harder and harder to teach our children what "normal" is as far as what is fit and what is not. It's getting harder to teach them how to make healthy food choices when it's microwave mac n cheese (an absolute and WRETCHED concoction by ANY stretch of the imagination) and pop tarts and toaster pastries and high fructose corn syrup infused "healthy things" (and they're not. It's just that most parents don't read labels and they themselves wouldn't know what was healthy if it bit them in the ass....) like yogurt and "vegetable snacks" (which are so processed that they are far removed from being an actual vegetable of any variety.) Fucking disgusting.

Yes. I get that convenience is important in such a fast paced and busy world. Some things should be quick and convenient and shit, but not at the cost of our children's health and well being? Yes, fast, quick, easy. Slap a pre-boxed lunch out of the fridge to give to your kids or pop a processed tidbit of "New and improved Flavor-ed" questionable thing into the microwave, but at what cost...... And we wonder why our kids are unhealthy? Seriously?

Most kids DON'T get outside to play because they're too engrossed with their electronic devices. They're eating all sorts of crap because they don't know any better. Kids are rude and snide and snotty and whiny and lack manners and cry "victim" over everything. And the blame falls completely on the parents. The children aren't being taught how to eat right, act right and behave like real little kids. They aren't being shown what being a functioning person. And these attitudes and mannerisms DIRECTLY mirror what they learn from parents who aren't taking the time to PARENT their children or just can't be bothered, and it's obvious.

And then THESE kids are being sent off into the world and rubbing off on other kids, then all of them start learning the crappy behaviors of others..... JESUS! I find that I am correcting crappy behaviors that my kids come home with a lot. And I'M the bad guy? Shit. It must be nice playing the role of the good guy then. No frustrations, no responsibilities, no having to be an authority figure.

But to those living the carefree life: don't think you're not being judged. Please, by all means, keep shirking on your responsibilities. Don't think for a second it goes unnoticed.... Pathetic.

What's for supper?

With four kids in the house, deciding what's for dinner can be quite a challenge sometimes. My kids have a pretty eclectic taste is foods and will chow down on just about anything you put in front of them. They don't shy away from different ethnic foods and won't necessarily turn something away because "it looks weird". (You can keep your microwaved mac and cheese. THAT shit my kids will turn their noses up to. Fucking FOUL, disgusting crap right there.... Blech! Child abuse in a bowl!) But with eclectic tastes, comes a variety of flavors. Now, I'm not going to say that all the kids love all the flavors and all of them love all the same foods. Not the case at all. Same with textures, and whether something leans more towards bland or bold, spicy or mild. So the range of thoughts for what we should have for dinner varies greatly too.... Some days I am TOTALLY set and I have the meals planned out for the next couple of days for breakfast, lunch ( on the weekends and holidays) and dinner. It works out well. There are days when I will allow myself to cater to my own cravings and will make what I want to eat. The kids each get turns picking out stuff they want to eat and sometimes, that method works out. Other times, not so much...... Oh well. At least they eat all sorts of stuff.

I'm FINE.

"I'm FINE......." are probably the two most loaded words in the female vocabulary. It can mean she's fine OR it can mean, "Bitch, you better run....." And then, the speed at which a woman says, "Nothing...." when subsequently asked, "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the shit storm you you're going to have coming your way. I mean, let's break down some "Woman-speak":  
No=no 
Yes= maybe 
Maybe=no 
We need...=I want...
We should...=I've already made up my mind and we're doing it.
How much do you love me?=It's expensive and I want it. 
You look tense. How about a hummer?=I did something you're REALLY not going to like and it's gonna cost you a whole SHIT TON of money. 
I'm sorry.=You'll be sorry. 
What did you just say?=I am giving you the opportunity to change what the fuck you just said because the shit that just came out of your mouth was something that I found to be absolutely unacceptable. 
I asked you what you just said!=Think VERY carefully on your next words or I will castrate you in your sleep. Make sure you agree with everything that I have said and that we are on the same page here. Back slowly away and get me some ice cream and wine. Rub lotion on my feet and cater to my every whim. Fold the laundry and do the dishes while you're at it.

Then you have the MAGICAL word. "Wow...." It's not a good thing. It's actually the opposite. It is the equivalent to, "Holy shit! I cannot believe how stupid you are! I am rethinking this whole entire relationship right now because the level of stupidity that you have just shown is so high that I'm not even sure I should allow you to continue drawing breath. I should probably end you right now for the good of the rest of the world because, WOW!"

No wonder men go bald and die sooner than women..... Go figure! 

Clueless..... For now.......

So, I took eldest boy to make a pilgrimage to his spiritual sanctuary, (AKA the Zumiez in the mall) to start on the fake Christmas shopping for this years blah blah blah BAH HUMBUG. There's a cute chickie working behind the counter, flirting up a storm, trying to get Boy's attention and he was basically in "skateboard stuff mode" and couldn't be bothered. As a last resort, she pulls out a BOXFUL of stickers from behind the counter to get his attention and says, "Here. Take as many as you want! You can have them." .......as she leans purposefully over the counter in a semi low cut top...... And Boy was all, "YAY STICKERS!" and dives right into the box.

Yay stickers?

I mean, don't get me wrong. At the time, he had a girlfriend and not only that but, he's there in the store with his MOM standing behind him. I guess it sort of puts a damper on his super swag, pimpin' mack daddy style or whatever they're calling that shit nowadays. But I found it to be absolutely hysterical because he really TRULY is clueless when it comes to the girlies. Which is what keeps this mama happy. I will savor this for now. I'm sure he will come to discover his "power" soon..... :s

Sad chowder........

When the potatoes are potating, the bacon starts sittin' there looking sexy as FUCK, and you have your onion/butter/garlic/celery/herbs-n-other-shit concoction making sexy time in bacon fat and white wine, it's a very happy thing....... I mean, knowing a chowdah is gonna be a boner inducing/panty soaking experience is just spooge-tastic. It's a labor of love really. It's not a quick slap together meal. I let that shit simmer and brew and cook all day so that all the flavors can get to know each other and make sweet, sweet love in some massive nom stuff orgy so that the end result is an explosion of mouthgasmic bliss. 

And it WAS!!!!!!!!!! Until SOMEONE, who will remain nameless :ehem: <Puppy Guts>, didn't keep an eye on it and stir it constantly while I went to take a shower and ruined the whole pot. 

Yes, I cried. It was very tragic and totally heartbreaking. :C

I am a man with a vagina.....

A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized; the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She never swears. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. 

Post this as your status if you, too, have just realized that you might be a man...

Well, I guess that just makes me a man who has a vagina then...... 

Paw prints on our hearts....

I've blogged about Lulu in the past. A sweet chocolate lab that lived down the street from us. The kids and I would visit her often and play out in the yard with her because she was just a cool dog to hang out with. The youngest of the brood used to take naps on the dog bed alongside Lulu. The dog never minded sharing her bed. She'd lay there patiently until the baby woke up so that they could play again. She moved away recently and it kind of broke my heart. And with the recent loss of Otis, it was kind of a devastating blow to be, essentially, losing another dog.

It's no big secret that I like animals more than I like people. I'm not a real fan of people. I am that one weirdo who, at a social gathering, will find the family pet and will hang out with said pet. I will love  and pet all the animals in the household, just to avoid people if I can. Yup. I'm THAT guy. I don't think that it necessarily makes me socially awkward or strange, but yeah. I'm THAT guy.

I thought about all the goggies I have met and have touched my life. All the time I spent on the floor or the ground loving on my pets or other people's pets and on the one hand, it totally crushes my happiness and makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry forever. On the other, it just brings me such a sense of peace and YAY-ness because of moments that I shared with another living thing that didn't judge me or do much else then to share love with no strings attached.

Don't take those moments for granted. Savor and enjoy them. When they're gone, you really DO start to miss them. A lot. Trust me.

A fall joke......

In the spirit of fall, here is this:

A couple are doing yard work on opposite sides of the yard. Other people had the same idea and the sounds of leaf blowers and mowers hung heavy in the air. The husband was looking for the rake and couldn't find it. He yells over to his wife, 'Where's the rake?'

She can't hear: She replies by shaking her head.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, points to her left breast, grabs her ass, then points to her crotch.

Turned on, he gave his wife a wink thinking she was getting frisky, but she rolled her eyes and repeated her gestures by pointing to her eye, points to her left breast, grabs her ass, then points to her crotch.

He jogged over closer to where she was so that he could ask her what in the hell she was trying to convey and says, 'What?'

She says, 'I (pointing to her eye) left tit (pointing to her left breast) behind (grabbing her ass) the bush (and points to her crotch).'

Responsible.......

It's not to say that I won't get the shit that needs to get done, done. I always meet my obligations early or on time. I don't make excuses. But, sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to be one of those people who shrugs off responsibility or makes excuses (that they think are believed) for why those responsibilities aren't met. Then blaming others for it all. It must be nice.....

I've often wondered whether I should try it. Just drop the whole "responsible thing" and just not do it. Then I get all GLAAAAAH! about it. It just doesn't jive and I feel all icky about myself. Then I continue to cut checks to pay bills, I get through chores, I meet the obligations of those relying on me and continue on being a responsible adult. :sigh: I'm a better person for it.

I'm funny!

I slay myself sometimes. Seriously. I can be a seriously funny bastard sometimes! In my own mind, of course. I have conversations with myself and I have inside jokes with myself, and I find that when I am lost inside my own little world, I am smiling like a doofus because I'm so freaking hilarious. Yeah, I have my moments when I will amuse the people around me. Mostly with the random thoughts rattling around in my head or the random occurrences that happen in my life. The anecdotes that I share are usually found to be stupendously funny to those around me, to the point where I get told that I should have a sitcom.... Albeit, one on a cable network, late at night because of my constant usage of the fuck word. I suppose I would find it all funny too, if only it wasn't MY life.... :sigh:

Insomnia......

I suffer from insomnia from time to time. I'm used to it, and don't get me wrong, I do end up missing my sleep. I get the sporadic half hour here and there during my sleepless periods, and the reality only starts to slip after the first four or five days. Now, I've explained Eddie and how my brain is a jerk..... And, that's a good portion of my problem right there. There is always a constant chatter in my head. Sometimes it's more prevalent than others. But it's always there. I think about the most random things, that moves into another topic, that switches to another, and another, and another........ It doesn't stop. I find a little respite playing spider solitaire if I can focus long enough to get through a game, but most of the time I just have to wait to crash. It's an on and off thing and I don't really know when these bouts are going to hit. I'm not even sure what brings them about. They just sort of happen and linger for a little while. Blech.....

It works......

There really isn't a time when one of the kids HADN'T done something wrong, so when my back is turned for longer than ten minutes, I usually make a general statement like, "What the....... WHO DID THIS??!?!?!?!?" or just a general, "What did you DO??!?!?!?" Speaking to no one in particular. Most of the time I get an answer, which goes to show there are ALWAYS things going on that shouldn't be and despite my best efforts to pay attention to the goings on, there are still things I miss...... Which kind of freaks me the fuck out. Some of it is rather unexpected. And there are a few times where it was just plain WT actual F?

I don't want my kids to become paranoid about everything and I certainly don't want them not to spread their wings and try things, but I have to make sure that it doesn't fall into the realm of things they should NOT be doing. I mean, I know they're going to fuck up once in a while. It's from our biggest mistakes that we learn our greatest life lessons. I get it. But with those mistakes comes a lot of heartbreak and those same lessons can still be learned WITHOUT that particular brand of heartbreak. I mean, I don't want to be a hovering parent. (I fucking hate those. I hated that my mom did it. Fucking get over it. You're doing your child NO GOOD! They rebel harder later in life and if that shit keeps up, you'll fucking lose them for good.)  But I don't want to be one of those fly by night parents that seagull the home by making a lot of noise, shitting all over the place and flying off to have someone else clean up the mess either.

Finding that balance is the key, but it's a pretty difficult thing. You don't just "find the balance" and that's it. It's constantly changing and I find myself ALWAYS needing to change along with it. And it's NOT necessarily a "consistent" thing, because there are so many variable situations and circumstances too.... Blech!

My hope is that one day, when I see my children all grown up, and they are TOTALLY the people that I know they are gonna be and who they should be now, I know I will have done my job right. Whoop, whoop!

Yeah, no...... But, no, yeah.

The dichotomy that I have happening inside my mind on a daily basis is one that would probably drive a lesser person insane. The incongruence between these two battling forces constantly clashing with each other in some epic battle would bring a weak minded person to their knees, begging for mercy. Others would seek to be medicated, becoming nothing more than a shell of their former selves...... Me? Well.... It's my life. It's what I've lived with from the time I was born. I wouldn't be able to tell you what life without my ADD and OCD was like. It's just ALWAYS been there.

What DOES scare me is the thought of it NOT being there. Like, wake up one morning and :POOF: it's all gone. No chatter in my head, no obsessive behaviors, no compulsive actions, no "Hey look! A MARBLE!".......

What? Oh.. yeah... So, waking up and it all being gone. That totally freaks me the fuck out. I am who I am because of them. They have shaped my quirks and personality. They have honed my sense of self. they have molded my thoughts and ideals. They are the very basis, the foundations from which I BECAME. How weird is THAT!

Yeah. I know. I put WAY too much thought into this stuff. Shut up.

NO consequences......

I have seen, first hand, what the children who suffer no consequences does. These kids have never been slapped, spanked, grounded or seen things taken away. They have never seen the results of what bad behavior can merit. It's pathetic. It's a parent who lacks balls to actually DO anything, or they lack the spine to follow through because they're afraid of becoming "the bad guy". And make no mistake. The kids catch on to that pretty quickly. And they yell and scream and cry and pitch fits until they get their way once again, because they already know that is going to be the result. They get their way and there will be no consequences. Pathetic.

I'm not saying that it's okay to beat the fuck out of the kids, but a smack upside the head or a spank in the ass certainly won't kill them. REAL consequences like actually taking away things like electronic devices (NO LONGER ALLOWED IN MY HOME, thank you very much. They're kids. They really have no need for handheld gaming systems and iThings. It's fucking sad.), being sequestered and faced with "solitary confinement", not just getting yelled at and threatened, but actually following through. Actions speak louder then words.

DO I become the bad guy? Of course. I mean, Jesus, who else is going to step into the role of "parent" and actually raise my kids? If I don't do it, it's not going to get done.

PMS....... BLAH!

Ah. Welcome back PMS.... So, what flavor of bitch am I going to be THIS month? Hmm? Well, judging from the bag of chips smothered in A-1 steak sauce and the half tube of raw cookie dough I just consumed, I'm assuming that Puppy Guts should really start drinking heavily now until this is over, huh? Gotcha.