New Years Eve 2012

We come to the last few moments of this year and in looking back, it as one heck of a year. Not in a stellar kind of way, but still filled with a lot of pretty cool shit. Another year, come and gone and though some things remain the same, I feel different. Some changes are in the works for this coming year and I'm rather excited about them all. I've gotten over the holiday bump and what's left is greeting a brand new year. My Puppy Guts and I will be doing so from the comfort of our home, with our children under our roof, and celebrating quietly before retiring into the bedroom to make fireworks of our own. The best way to end an old year and begin a new year, in my opinion.
Have a safe and happy new year, all!

Fake Christmas 2012

All six of the children in our tribe awoke on "Fake Christmas" morning to a hearty brekkies, then we all dressed up in our matching Christmas jammies to take the family portraits before we unleashed the children onto the presents under the tree.....

Tiring? Perhaps a little. Frustrating? Eh... Insane? Yeah, I guess...  But in truth, there's no place else I'd have rather been, and of course with My Puppy Guts beside me, there's nothing that we couldn't have handled.  I couldn't imagine being able to do this with anyone else but him. We're constantly getting asked, "How do you manage it?" Well, it isn't all the time that we have all six under the same roof and it's not really a "management" thing really. Sure there are times when we want to rip our hair out, but it's well worth it and everything ends up going smoothly in the end. It makes for the greatest of memories. Awesomeness!

I PRAY to bacon.....

As we edged EVER SO CLOSELY to the end of this holiday nightmare thing...... People got crazier by the minute. I had gotten all of the things that I wanted to get done, accomplished, but seriously? My every day errands had become dangerous missions. I was armed to the teeth every time I went out, I refused to bring my kids into any of it, and my mood darkened with every passing moment. I swear, people were getting more retarded and it took every ounce of willpower NOT to backhand them and tell them to calm their tits. Grrrr.......... 

So, being the beloved asshole that I am, I present to you: What makes me an asshole, reason #512: 

Well, my first mistake was going to the store on a Saturday afternoon, a couple of weeks before Christmas. Alright.... Fine. I'll admit it. It was stupid. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. In my defense, I usually have all of my grocery shopping done in the morning, but with life happening, I didn't have the time that day. Still..... Stupid. 

Anyway, I get to the aisle where they have those stupid stuffed animals that have the buttons, and when you push the stupid button, it starts singing stupid Christmas songs. Well, there was a little kid, probably about four years old, with his mom standing there, and he was pushing the button and dancing to the music. Every time it stopped, he would push the button again and go back to dancing. A happy little kid, not bothering anyone, having fun, not whining and complaining about anything. Just minding his own business and having the time of his life. I couldn't help but watch and smile. Not too many things brings a smile to my mug during the holiday season, but I have to admit, watching this kid, I couldn't help myself.

CUTENESS ALERT: So, the little kid saw me watching him and he asked me, "Do you want to dance with me?" So, being the sucker for little kids that I am, I said, "SURE!" He pushed the button, we danced and YAY! He thanked me for dancing with him, and I thanked him back. Mom was smiling. AWESOME! A nice little moment shared by strangers. It doesn't randomly happen like that too often in life. 

I went to go back about my business, the kid went to go back about his and went to push the button again and some DOUCHEBAG started yelling at the poor kid. "STOP FUCKING PUSHING THE BUTTON! IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!" I made IMMEDIATE eye contact with the ass hat and I deliberately put my finger out and pushed the button myself. And kept eye contact with him as I danced away like an idiot. I was not about to break eye contact with this guy, and without doing so, when the music stopped, I put my finger out again, and pushed the button a second time and started dancing. The wondertard huffed and stormed away. 

It was ON right then and there. I popped one of those toys into my cart and dammit, EVERY TIME I saw the guy in a different aisle, I pushed the fucking button. When I was done with my grocery shopping, I purchased the stupid snowman, paid cash for it, (worth every cent of the $9.99 plus tax that I paid for the thing at that point) threw it into a bag along with the receipt, found the kid and his mom and handed the kid the bag and said, "Merry Christmas, kiddo! Thanks for dancing with me!" He peered into the bag and was ecstatic. My good deed for the day was done.

No, the thing that made me an asshole on that occasion wasn't that I willfully annoyed the shit out of some douchebag twat waffle. THAT was just icing. What made me an asshole was that I sent this kid home with a noise making toy that he obviously enjoyed and would be pushing the button of, MANY times, and it would surely drive his mom absolutely bat shit. Totally worth it.

Yup... ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey:: :quarter turn: ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey::  THANK YOU ALL!!!!  :takes bow:  Yes! I'M AN ASSHOLE!!! THANK YOU! I'M OUT!!  :drops microphone and walks off stage: 

OH YEAH!!!!!

We all have that one friend that comes up with the craziest of ideas. They get very excited about what it is they're planning and telling you about it and you have a moment where you think, "It's CRAZY! But GENIUS!!!!!"


Oh..... I'M that friend..... Right. Friends to help me with my plans are great, but what I REALLY need are some mutant minions.....

Ahh.... Words.....

I have a pretty decent vocabulary. I try to sound reasonably intelligent when I speak, for the most part. But sometimes a fuck word riddled rant is in order and without the fuck word, that rant would lose the very essence of what it's supposed to be. I mean, just because I use the fuck word often, doesn't make me an unintelligent neanderthal. Honestly. I don't think I sound like one either. I think I just sound like an individual who has a decent vocabulary that likes to use the fuck word a lot. Fucktards!

HA HA!!!!! I SURVIVED!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!! CHRISTMAS IS OVER BABY!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT! SHIT YEAH! FUCKIN' A! Don't gotta worry about or deal with this shit for another mother fuckin' year!!!!!! Go out to your day after Christmas sales, assholes.  After this, it's back to business as usually dealing with NOT holiday crazy assholes. FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YEAH BABY!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT SHIT!!!!!! GO HOME, CHRISTMAS GAY ASS FUCKING STUPID HOLIDAY!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!

Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas, I guess, then. Pfft. If you're in to that kind of stuff..... Whatever. Bah humbug!

From us and all of ours to you and all of yours, Merry Christmas. You know.... Whatever.

Christmas Eve 2012

Well, I guess despite my trying to keep Christmas from coming this year, it seems I failed again..... :s

Oh well.... At least I get to eat some tasty noms.  My Bah Humbuggery continues..... Just pass the food.

Fake Christmas Eve 2012....

Tonight we gather our tribe together and celebrate our "Fake Christmas" and decorate the tree, drink cocoa, watch Christmas themed movies, make Christmas themed arts and crafts, eat "Fake Christmas Eve" noms and send the kids off to bed with the happy thought of "PRESENTS IN THE MORNING! ....Um...... Again!" And all six kids are saying, "YAY! MULTIPLE CHRISTMASES!!!!!!" We'll do portraits and breakfast and that "holiday cheer" shit. We'll put together toys and have to dig through the trash for that "missing piece" of something. Puppy Guts and I will consume mass quantities of coffee and start resonating at high frequencies just to get through the day..... It's gonna be awesome.

I guess not.....

Well, I guess there was still some more tomorrows left. Well, seeing as how we're all back here, I guess it wasn't the end of the world...... Carry on then!

The End of Days?

Today is the day that the Mayan calendar predicted that the world would come to an end... Um..... So, I wonder if it's gonna happen or what.... I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out and stuff.

Almost......

My daily mantra is, "It's almost over..... It's almost over..... It's almost over...." and yet the time still doesn't seem to be going by any faster than the day before.... PLEASE for the love of bacon, I just want this all to be over. If we could just skip to the good stuff, which is just the food portion, and move onto the consuming of the leftovers, that'd be fucking awesome. The rate at which this living hell is creeping along is starting to take it's toll on me and my sanity. This holiday crap is really bugging the crap out of me. I need a fast forward button so that I can just get to the food portion of this time of year and just skip over the rest. :s

Hibernating would be nice. And then just being able to say, "Wake me when it's over and slide me a plate of food when you do..."

Christmas Mail......

I hate getting Christmas mail from people that I don't particularly like. Seriously? The only time I ever hear from these people is at Christmas time and that's about it. I don't care that X child learned how to lick the lint out of his toes or whatever inane banter that these people put into their holiday letters.... Haven't they gotten the hint that because I haven't made any efforts to contact or send them anything that maybe I don't want to hear from them?

Is it some stupid need to feel like they have people to reach out to or whatever other sad pathetic thing that makes these people do it? Is it some year end guilt something that makes them do it? I don't know. It all seems retarded to me.


I Hate the fuckin' holidays.

Family Portraits.....

We always do our "family portraits" around this time of the year so that we can send along pictures to our family and friends. The expectations of said portraits are never quite the same as the reality though, which is the reason why we make sure that we capture the "reality" of our family simply because it says a lot about the kind of peope that we all are. There used to be a time when the "family portrait" had to be perfect and everybody had to be smiling and looking at the camera and yay! Picture perfect family moment! <GAG!> It would take forever to get that one shot and really? It wasn't really worth it if you ask me. I'd much rather have a "true to life" moment captured that really shows the character of each of the individuals in the pictures that we take. The kids all being who they are, My Puppy Guts being his goofy self and me being mine. That's what a REAL picture perfect moment is. Capturing a true to life REAL moment that when we look back on it, you can really think, "I remember that shit! And this picture is so like everybody!" Fun times.

Almost over......

The holiday season continues and I think I'm getting grumpier and grumpier by the second now..... The clock ticks by ever so slowly and it seems like this time of year is NEVER going to end.... I can't stand the Christmas songs and fake cheer and lights and decorations. EVERYTHING smells like pine and cinnamon. Every time I'm exposed to it, I think I'm going to throw up. It feels like there is just no end in sight. I can't wait for all of this shit to be over and stuff.... Grrrrr.

Another of My Non-Abilities.....

I can't sing. I can't dance. What I also can't do is draw. I have some VERY awesome ideas constantly popping up in my head. They are vivd and bright and detailed and in technicolor amazing! But alas, there they will remain forever trapped in my mind, never to be seen by another because there really is no way of getting it from where it lays in my head to out there to share with the rest of the world. Oh well.... I guess some things were never meant to be shared with the rest of the world. Shame....

12/14/2012.....

Who hasn't heard by now, what happened..... A small little town, rocked by a senseless tragedy. And right in my "own backyard". It's kind of surreal at best. Sure, I could have posted one of the many pictures of the parents crying as they were desperately trying to call SOMEONE to give them information about their children on their cell phones or a picture of the children coming out of the school, gripping onto the back of the shirt of the classmate in front of them, crying, confused, scared. I could have..... But would the impact have been any different? At the end of the day, 26 innocent lives were snuffed out, twenty of whom which were children. And of course, the gunman himself made the 27th death. The coward ended his own life. It brings me no amount of peace.

The 20 year old Adam Lanza, with malicious intent, went into an elementary school after he killed his mom, a teacher at Sandy Hook, and took out 20 children, and six other adults, before killing himself. I'm not sure why he couldn't have just started with himself. Then there are questions about some others that he may or may not have killed BEFORE he went to the school..... Something about his girlfriend and her friend or some shit..... I'm sure the media is going to be all abuzz about this "latest event". Politicians have already extended their condolences and blah, blah, blah....... AGENDA TIME!!!!

Wait for it. It's coming. Gun control laws and the call for disarming the private sector. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..... I am sick with grief over this. And seriously? By disarming the "private sector" we are literally going to be creating MORE killing boxes for maniacs like this. If ONE ADULT had been carrying a firearm, well, yes. We still would have had a "tragedy" on our hands, but I doubt it would have been to this extent. Carrying a firearm in a school is a felony. "No gun zones"...... Yeah. I get it.... Actually, no I don't. What the fuck is up with that? Maybe I'm not comfortable with the fact that there AREN'T armed AND TRAINED "citizens" in the schools where my children attend. This tragedy could have been anywhere, at any school, in any town.....

I'm sure that this incident is going to spark quite a bit of all sorts of debates. Meanwhile, our kids are sitting ducks in schools in quiet little towns, just like Newtown, population 27,560..... Well, less 26 souls and one soulless bastard... My condolences and prayers to those families who lost a loved one. My thoughts and prayers to the first responders who will probably be changed forever by what they had to see. And my thoughts and prayers to the children and staff at Sandy Hook Elementary school who will, no doubt, forever be affected by this tragedy.

I ask y'all to take a moment of silence, please.

Then Don't Ask.....

I don't get why some people, knowing full damn well who and what I am and how I don't sugar coat shit, ask me for my opinion about something and then get pissed of when they get the answer. ESPECIALLY, when they ask me to be honest. Seriously? Why the fuck would you ask me? It's not as if though these people doing the asking don't realize that I'm an abrasive, potty mouthed bitch with opinions out the wazoo about everything under the sun and am not afraid to voice them..... And yet they ask and get offended by my answer anyway. You know what? Fuck yourselves. When I know it's coming and I know what the end result is going to be, that's gonna be my answer from now on. "Go fuck yourself."

The Future......

One of the noblest things that one can do for their child is to leave some kind of legacy behind for their children. Something that they can take with them on their own journeys through life and perhaps share with their own children and their children's children..... I really think that making sure that they don't lose touch with their "inner child" is one of those "things".

I'm not talking about those man-boys, who live at home with their moms in the basement, playing video games and eating cheesey poofs and pizza rolls all day. We should teach our kids to be good people. To have values and be ethical and responsible and trustworthy and true. They should know to have morals and have compassion and sympathy. To grow up and be someone that all others will look up to and admire. Those are all VERY true. But I also think that it's important for children to hold onto the "childish" things and think "outside the box" the way most children do, where imagination and dreams are a big chunk of the thing that makes them who they are.

The way things are going right now, I have to say, I am rather afraid of what the future holds. Kids now a days are rude and whiny and cowardly and absolutely something to punch in the face! They have excuses for everything, they have no direction, nothing to look up to or strive for..... And these are the individuals who will someday be "inheriting the world" so to speak. It really frightens me.

I can say that there are a handful of other parents, whom, like myself, hold our children to a higher standard and are swimming into the current, while we battle the rest of the world, all while shielding our children from what they rest of them are turning their children into. Whiny, cowardly, spoiled, sissy, pansy assed pieces of shit who expect everything to be handed to them. The "the world revolves around me, as I am the high and mighty" attitudes and their bully behaviors. Unfounded superiority complexes. It's a difficult thing to fight and avoid when that's what my children are exposed to all the time. Between what they see on television, are exposed to in school by their schoolmates, news, media...... I mean, it's an easy way of life and it's a very slippery slope. No responsibility, no morals, no anything difficult. It just is. It's easy. It's simple. Of course, that makes me a stick in the mud because I refuse to let them get away with that kind of shitty behavior. I DO hold them to a higher standard, where there are rules and schedules and responsibilities....... I expect more from them. I expect them NOT to be a part of that mainstream crap.

I can only hope that someday soon, they will "get" what I've been doing all along here. It seems rather hopeless and daunting a task now, not that I'm going to veer off my forward path here, but I have my beliefs that regardless of what's going on around them, the lessons that I have been pounding into their heads will sink in and they will become the ones who make REAL changes to what's going on. Until then........

Waste of Time.....

I used to hang out with people that I didn't particularly like. It often made me wonder why the fuck I kept on doing it, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it was some masochistic need to fit in with people that may or may not have liked me, but I felt some need to please them anyway. Maybe I was just stupid. I don't know. But there you have it.

I never really understood REAL friendship until I actually had it. I suppose that's true of most people. I am not talking about those friendships of convenience, but REAL friendship. The kind of friends that help you move...... the body. The kind of friends who call..... the bail bondsman as they sit cuffed next to you. The kind of friends who will skip along next to you chanting "Someone's gonna get it..." when the shit hits the fan. The kind of friends that will have your back and not talk behind it. The kind of friends who are up front and brutally honest, ESPECIALLY when you don't want to hear the truth. I get that now.

It still boggles my mind that I wasted so much of my time trying to please people that really ended up not meaning a whole hell of a lot to me. People whom I really didn't care for, but sort of "was stuck with" for lack of a better term. Pretending to be someone or something that I wasn't in order to please those around me, all the while, resenting myself for it and despising the ever loving shit out of these people I found myself surrounded by. All that time wasted! And then to have met people who I say, "Jeez! I wish we had been friends since forever ago!"

Lesson learned though. :)

The Joys of Parenthood...

Parenthood isn't all fun filled cuteness. Sometimes it's kinda gross and stinky, other times it can be downright frustrating and trying, but it is the single most rewarding experience. EVER.

Back before I had kids, I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I mean, changing diapers and spitting up and puke and snot and drool and piss and shit and crap and all sorts of other bodily fluids and the endless hours and the insanity and chaos that's depicted in the movies of new parents and their babies..... GAAAAH!!!!!

But now, I kind of look at it and it's like, "Meh..... I've touched worse." or "Pfft! I've been through worse..." and it just doesn't seem like such a big deal. It means nothing to me to use my shirt to wipe a kid's nose or whatever. It's not that big a deal cleaning up a pile of puke or changing a blown out diaper. I can get it all done with a "bring it on!" attitude. And the kids never really know to appreciate those things. I mean, that's as it should be.....

I can't even begin to say how many times I've cleaned all sorts of stuff out of carpet and clothes and tile and sink drains, especially during a particularly bad flu season, and the kids have seen me take it all in stride. And no, it's not like I'd love doing that or whatever. I would much rather have seen my kids feeling 100% and not being sick, but the last of their concerns at that point should be, "I'm sorry you have to clean that up..... :( "

It all comes together when that morning comes and my children wake up feeling like they could take on Mike Tyson and the "YAY I FEEL BETTER!!!!" smile is plastered onto their little mugs.... ::sigh:: It feels good.

Until FLABAMMO! I get hit with the flu..... Meh. If that's the price I have to pay, I'm eager to do it.

Really?

Living with my parents is a nightmare. I have my quirks, but they have theirs too. I don't get their use of food and why they have to use MINE. They have their shelves for their stuff, the kids and I have ours. WE are not allowed to go into their stash of shit, but they feel free to dive right into our shit. And they NEVER let a body know when they've used up the last of anything of ours.... :S A list of the things that piss me off:

The carton of milk with A SIP left in it. Because that last sip would have been too much....

The box of cereal with just cereal dust in it..... Because we don't want to be wasteful.....

That ONE LAST INGREDIENT that I needed to make something for supper, and NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL ME THAT THEY USED THE LAST OF IT!!!!!!!

What is the fucking point of leaving an empty container of something in the cabinet? A sad, pathetic reminder that I'm gonna need to go out and get more? WTF?!?!?!?

Don't rearrange my stuff. I portion out meals, and budget things and have them arranged in a way that I am ready to make meals as we need them. I just go, get the stuff I need, and go about my business. But when I have a stubborn moron who insists that I'm stocking the cabinet, MY cabinet, incorrectly and "does it for me"....... FUCK!!!!!

And DON'T go out and buy shit that I don't want and put it in with my shit. There is a reason WHY I don't keep the sodas and cookies and candy and all that other shit around. I HATE that I don't have a say in what my kids get fed when they aren't with me. Instant crap and god only knows what else. But when they ARE with my, I like to make sure that they are eating fresh and they are eating well and that they are eating properly portioned meals. I fucking hate that my parents like to undermine my nutritional goals for MY children. Thankfully, THAT doesn't happen any more though. A tirade of biblical proportions took care of THAT shit.

MY BACON..... Let me tell you about MY BACON. It's no secret that I LOVE BACON. I cook it up and carefully wrap each individual strip, lovingly in a paper towel and keep MY BACON cooked and ready to go on MY SHELF in the fridge. I can't tell you how disappointing it is, when I go into the fridge for a piece of heavenly deliciousness, where it feels like angels and unicorns are prancing around in a rainbow magical world, and tasty yumminess kisses my every tastebud with mouthgasmic delight, only to discover that someone ate it all. FUCK!!!!! Those fucking BASTARDS!!!!!

The same is true for the kids' "treats" like frozen fruit pops or fruit juice icy treats or some other concoction they come up with..... By the time dessert rolls around..... GONE. :(

Ugh..... Order up! A plate of disappointment with a heaping side order of frustration! ::DING::

Over Thinking......

I over think certain things. A lot. Like when I'm writing or planning something.... What starts off as something that might be a good idea can quickly turn into either a gigantic todo or an enormous fuck up in a matter of minutes. Something simple and easy will turn into a something complicated and enormous. Something quick and spontaneous will turn into some kind of spectacular affair.... Sometimes it works out well. Other times, not so much.

I never really know when it's going to be a hit or when it's going to be a miss, but I will always give the attempts anyway, knowing full damn well that it might be a huge fuck up. But I like knowing that I gave all and went "above and beyond", because the times when it DOES work out and things DO go according to all my intricate and detailed, overly thought out plans, it turns out to be something that is unforgettable. Which is awesome. I think that my successes have FAR outweighed my disasters anyway...... As we approach the holidays........ :O

Mama Bear....

Nothing can piss a woman off quicker than if you mess with her kids. Or at least that's the way it should be. I am not talking about making excuses for your kids when they fuck up or blaming others for their crappy behavior. Those type of people are truly worthy of my contempt. Their parenting rights and privileges should have been stripped and their children taken away from them and placed in more suitable home a long time ago.

Think about it. We are living in a society where instead of kids seeing repercussions for their crappy actions and behaviors, they have their parents blaming the schools, the media, their peers, whatever. They blame everyone but themselves for raising an insolent, spoiled little shit nor do they blame the little shits themselves for the bad behaviors. What the fuck? Then, when you add on top of it, school's whose administrators don't really want to DO anything..... I swear on all things holy, there are SO many "staff members" who need to explain AND SHOW WHY they should have a tax payer funded job.... They're absolute useless tits who don't DO anything except make excuses and feebly try to justify their existences in the school.

I get calls from the school from time to time. The school is so eager to pin the rap on SOMEONE, that instead of going through a process, they've already got someone in mind to blame and that's it! All so that they can type up their fucking reports and sweep the whole incident under the rug and be done with it.  Lovely....

They don't like to call me much. I get my kid's part of the story, his reactions to how the school dealt with things and even the way the teacher treated him. And I ALWAYS end up confronting them at the school. They always get both barrels and they don't intimidate me with their stupid "jargon" and empty threats. I laugh at their attempts and roll my eyes quite a bit while in meetings with them. They don't like me. But it also ensures that they're not calling me for every petty little something or another either. Ugh..... My kid's school sucks ass.

Fitness Videos.....

Fitness videos? I don't get it. Seriously? Isn't it kinda obvious that all you really have to do is get up off your ass and go DO something? Resistance training, strength training, that kind of shit..... With a video, you're not being taught proper form or anything so therefore, does it really do anything for you? I mean, if you end up doing it wrong, does it really work? Are you ending up hurting yourself? It never really made a whole lot of sense to me. Watching some impossibly fit very smily, very chipper chickie poo bopping around and saying things that are "motivating" and all I wanna do is punch her in the face.

I get that there are different methods to get fit and shit like that, but the reality of it is, the only thing you really have to do is put down the Twinkie and the bag of cheesey poofs and get up off your ass. It should be common knowledge that processed sugars and foods are really that good for you, living out of the microwave with a bagful of easy isn't really as nutritionally complete and as healthy as the ads say it is and that maybe perhaps having a pantry full of junk food and candy and other crap ISN'T such a good idea. And it's really pathetic to think that people need a "fitness video" in order to find their fitness. Seriously. A good portion of the people buying those videos are NOT the ones who look like the chipper chippies in the video.

More fucking retardation, courtesy of the unthinking SHEEPLE in our society. Yes, because fitness can be taught in a video....... :s

XTREME Games....

Sitting around with friends playing board games is fun..... When you're, like, four...... But if you were to change around the rules and make it more extreme and alcohol is involved and you make the shit more intense, THAT'S FUN!!! I mean "Shit just got REAL!" kind of stuff. For example... Drunken lawn darts. 'Nuff said. Not a board game I realize, but sphincter puckering fun anyway. Can you imagine a round of "NO HOLDS BARRED, EXTREME YATZEE"?  Or how about an exciting game of "GHETTO STYLE MONOPOLY: EXTREME EDITION"? Where instead of houses and hotels, you change them out with whore houses and meth labs and gang style wars broke out on the board and stuff? WHat if, like, real blood was drawn and an actual fight broke out? Trip to the hospital over a game of "Sorry!" takes on a WHOLE NEW MEANING, don't you think?

I mean, there are some games that can get pretty extreme on their own. Sitting there playing Trouble with friends, who hasn't had the experience of knocking all the pieces to the floor and flipping the board over and screaming out, "You guys are ASSHOLES! I'm LEAVING!" Or discovering the TRUE jackass nature of people when they hit you with a "draw four" on top of another "draw four" when playing Uno. I've witnessed the break up of a marriage over a game of Pictionary once. Seriously. NOT kidding. There's always XTREME Jenga too. You use cinderblocks and dowse them in gasoline and set those fuckers on fire! But I suppose that's a DIFFERENT kind of extreme.......

Seriously, if people can get serious over watching a stupid game on television and get all wrapped up in THAT kind of shit, why is it so odd for me to want to be participating in a game that goes extreme? I mean, at least when my friends and I play extreme board games, it doesn't result in someone throwing a temper tantrum over a "bad call" or whatever the fuck. If temper tantrums are thrown, they are for a damn good reason, like getting a game pieces chucked into your eye or something. ......Yeah. I know there's no reasoning this out. The more I try, the more it looks silly. It's just a game for Christ's sake, but DAMN IT! A DRAW FOUR ON ANOTHER DRAW FOUR????!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That was just WRONG! What'd I ever do to you, asshole!!!!!!

My Weird Phobias....

There are times when my kids are with their dad and Puppy guts is off at work at night and I am left home alone all by myself. Sometimes it's fun to fuck with myself by freaking myself out by watching scary movies in the dark before going to bed. It always leads to a bit of heart racing paranoia and my imagination goes hog fucking wild! It's pretty cool. Some of the things that happen include:

Checking the shower before I pee. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if I DID find someone there... It would probably include many rounds of .45 ball being fired into the shower hider and some ringing in my ears from the loud blasts. And there would probably be a pee trail to the phone where I would call 911....

Hiding under blankets. As if by some super magic, a layer of blanket will deflect any kind of attack, whether it be zombies, monsters, some evil entity or a knife wielding lunatic. YAY BLANKETS!

I usually do my showering before Puppy Guts leaves for work, but sometimes I like to freak myself out and wait. Then I can do the thing where I think I'm gonna see a zombie or something when I open my eyes after washing my face in the shower or whatever. And of course letting out a little pre-emptive "EEK!" when I open my eyes just to see nothing, just in case I DID end up seeing something.

EVERY noise is someone trying to break in, which is kind of cool.... Then it's just a matter of figuring out which way I'd want to blast said intruder and seeing whether or not I'd remember the number to 9-1-1 when all was said and done.

Ahh..... Good times..... Yes, I know I'm a quirky person.....

When is it okay to ask?

Women are kind of hinky like that. Asking "When are you due?" to a woman who isn't pregnant and coming to discover that, she was just fat is kind of a faux pas.... Especially when the people couple the question with the condescending belly rub/ pat thing. Some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut, do they?

I watched a group of women walk up to an obvious stranger, who could have afforded NOT to be eating fried foods and could have been hitting the gym or something and ask when she was due as they fawned over this woman as they did the belly rub/ pat thing. This poor woman was obviously offended and said something to the effect of, "What the hell are you doing? I'm not pregnant!"

The group of women stalked off, all while voicing their displeasure, saying how rude that woman was.... Yeah, because the woman was the rude one.... I laughed and merrily skipped away.

Blah, Blah, Christmas, Blah.....

We are really getting into the swing of things as the holiday season comes charging forth... Yuck. I'm tired of hearing Christmas carols wherever I go, I hate the tinsel and the lights and the everything. The frenzy of the people has been escalating and it hasn't even come to a head yet.... This time of year is just the biggest nuisance.... The people, the crowded everywhere, the everything...... It all sucks dirty donkey ass! I can't fucking stand it! I really don't understand the love of this pagan holiday that people are so into. It's fucking retarded! And for any idiot to try and tell me that this holiday was to commemorate the birth of Christ or whatever can suck an egg. Seriously. Yes, because I'm sure that the baby Jesus meant for his birthday to be celebrated with greed, commercialism, gluttony, and pagan symbols. Idiots. And for the record, AGAIN, I hate the holidays. Bah humbug, go fuck yourself.

My Imagination...

There are so few things that DON'T amuse me.... But I suppose that's because the world in my head is SO much cooler than the world outside of it. I don't think people quite grasp how much laughter and not taking oneself so seriously is SO important. Every little thing that you do can bring levity and fun if you allow it and can picture it in your head. Yes, I can be a rather intense individual. I have moments when I DON'T do well outside the safe haven of my own mind. Then there are times when I HAVE to escape from it because it gets a little too weird.

I like the idea of being able to take every day, mundane shit and turning it into something else. The theme song to Mission Impossible plays in my head when I'm out getting groceries. I imagine the stairs leading up or down is a giant keyboard that plays a magical tune that I usually sing along to. Every green light is the signal to yell, "CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!!" as I command everyone forward. I pretend I'm on my own cooking show when I'm in the kitchen making supper. Whatever. It keeps the "everyday stuff" fun. I think without it, I wouldn't be the same and I'd just be another one of those boring folk.... You know..... Just like everyone else. And I couldn't live with that.

I'm Taking Over THE WORL........ SHINY!

My plans to take over the world are always foiled by the fact that I don't have any mutant ninja penguin minions, I don't have the capital to carry out my lofty plans and of course, my diminutive attention span.

....Hey look! LINT!

It's true in MY kids' cases....

I AM pretty fucking awesome.

CLEAN UP TIME!!!!!

It can take my kids a total of 2.2 minutes to devastate a clean room and make it look like a grenade went off in it, but it will take them an hour and a half to clean it all up.... They complain about who played with what and how this one needs to clean up this mess and how one DOESN'T need to clean up something else because they "didn't touch it"..... The whining and complaining and the bitching and the moaning and the bickering and the crying and the bossing around..... All indian chiefs and no indians. Each telling the other what they need to be doing.... Fuck...... That......... Noise.......

I have decided that, in order to save my OWN sanity, whatever doesn't get cleaned up gets thrown the fuck out. It saves on my having to have to listen to the bitching, OBVIOUSLY the kids have WAY too much stuff for them to take care of themselves. I mean, the less stuff they have, the less stuff they have to clean up, right? I'm tired of having to clean up the messes myself and I think it's important that they take responsibility for their own crap. Some people would say that was harsh, but quite honestly? These are the things that NEED to be taught to our children. Where else are they supposed to learn about thing like responsibility and being held accountable for their actions and learning that there are consequences to certain actions.

There are WAY too many parents who try to be "the good guy" and play the role of the hero by NOT punishing their kids, despite the fact that they deserve to be. They give the kids everything that they want. They don't correct crappy behavior because they are afraid of becoming the "bad guy", then make excuses as to why the children are acting like a bunch of little assholes. The reality of it is, these assholes are not doing their kids any favors by promoting the crappy behavior. It's what makes them terrible parents. It's a fucking nightmare. These kids end up thinking that the crappy behavior is fine. The walk around acting like spoiled little bitches whose shit don't stink. And a vast majority of the time, these kids grow up to be pansy assed, sissy whiny babies with excuses for everything, especially all of the bad behaviors. They dont' take responsibility, they don't take accountability. It's pathetic.

Not with MY kids, not on MY time. NO thank you very much.

Almost lost it.....

This season brings out the assholes and dipshits from every corner.... They flood the stores, they flood the markets, coming out in droves to get in their holiday shopping. The weather being colder doesn't help and of course, stupid people out in bigger numbers, walking around being idiots, driving around like ass hats and just all around being unsupervised and unmedicated, getting in the way of MY progress....

IT doesn't help that I hate this time of year. Adding to it, the stress of all being near all these people and the holiday cheer and the carols and all the twinkling lights and dingly bells and sparkly tinsel and all that other shit..... Then add in a heaping bucketful of pushy assholes in the stores and screaming kids and jerk offs and twat waffles and douchewads and cunt boogers, the long lines and the insanity.

I had some shit-tard try to cut me off in traffic and when I wouldn't let him do it, he called me a fucking retard and flipped me the bird. I promptly told him to go fuck himself flipped him the bird back. It seems to be the equivalent to the, "Season's greetings! Be well kind stranger!" greeting that USED to be the norm.  And, I won't make the mistake of walking around and trying to drink a coffee in this madness because I had some asshole bump into me. It spilled everywhere. He called me a bitch even though he bumped into me and made me spill my coffee.  Apparently his Brooks Brothers coat is more valuable than my "useless and pathetic life". I promptly told him to shut the fuck up and that he owes me a new cuppa joe and to scamper off and get me one before I wrung his pencil neck and made him flinch. Then I had some woman pull my hair to get my attention because she wanted me to move out of her way. Hair pulling? Seriously?

The final straw came when I saw some lady yelling at an elderly woman in the self check out lane. I killed her about three times in my mind before I approached. I asked the women what the problem was. The elderly woman was frazzled by the woman yelling at her on top of NOT being able to process her order. I gave her a hand, got her checked out and sent her on her way. Problem solved there.

Then I turned my attention to the bitch. It was bad enough that I had to be out, in public, with a bunch of assholes, DEALING with some of its finest, but for this woman to try and get her bully on with an elderly woman was IT. I verbally tore into her with a tirade with the likes that no one had ever seen before. I SWEAR the whole entire store went silent. My use of curse words was spot on and the eloquence and timing in which I delivered the flawless masterpiece was uncanny. Strangely, when the woman finished her business silently and slunk away, I felt better. I usually end up feeling worse after a tirade, but this day, I felt relieved. I went back about my business, finished up and went on my merry way.

I really don't get nearly enough credit for NOT going "clocktower crazy"...... Seriously. I hate this time of year.

Bacon Shortage??!?!?!

My fears of this bacon shortage thing is haunting my every waking thought and invading my dreams at night when I sleep..... What if we really DO end up in some kind of bacon crisis? Resulting in a bacon apocalypse? OH MY BACON! We really ARE facing what could be the end of days here! I mean, does this mean we have to find alternative sources of bacon? Is there such a thing? Um....... NO!

It scares me right down to the core that we may not have bacon. There will be rioting in the streets. Neighbors will turn against neighbors. People will be trudging around like zombies moaning, "baaaaacooooon...... BAAaaAAAACOOoOOOOOon!!" It's going to be absolute insanity and chaos! Either that or it will just be me, at the grocery store, weeping in front of the meat section, where the bacon used to be, wearing all black and mourning. I really hope this isn't the case. The world needs its bacon.

Da Shopping.....

Trying to get the Christmas list shopping crap into the house in a stealthy manner is fucking impossible.... My kids know what the fuck I'm up to when I "go run an errand" and I leave them all home, especially when it comes around this time of year. And being children, they are eager and excited to see what the fuck they got and try ever so hard to get a glimpse of what's in the bags... I do my best to get most of it done during the daytime when the kids are at school, but sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. Things and stuff get in the way and by the time I get out to the stores, it's already well after the time that they've gotten home from school. SHIT!

I try to make sure that the frivolous things are kept to a minimum and stuff, but I won't deny them the YAY of opening up stuff that they wanted either. And because they have holiday lists that are pretty lengthy, they really DON'T know what they'll end up with.

So, it really has begun...... The year end holidays and all that it entails. I don't like it. Bah humbug.

BAH HUMBUG!!!!!!

We are getting ever so close to my least favorite time of the year, when shoppers go ape shit crazy and people are fucking nuts and the commercialism and overspending and the gluttony and the everything that I associate with the fucking holidays...... Ugh. I fucking hate this time of the year.

Good Laughter/ Bad Laughter....

I love to laugh. I've made that known and I make no bones about it. Sometimes I laugh because something is funny. Sometimes I laugh because I might be nervous about something. Sometimes I laugh because everyone else is laughing, but I actually have no idea what the fuck is going on. Sometimes I laugh when nothing is funny. Sometimes I laugh when nothing is funny and it was an inappropriate time to laugh. It happens, what can I say? I don't know whether it's an involuntary thing or what but I laugh even when it's inappropriate. Sometimes, I don't mean to do it. It just so happens to be that some random, funny thought entered into my conscious thoughts and FLABAMMO! I'm giggling like an idiot and getting strange looks and glares from the people around me. Well, not from the people who know me. Well, some of them actually end up pretending NOT to know me when my "episodes" occur. I may not even be making light of the situation or anything like that, but someone will have said a word like "thrust" or "injection" or something and I will absolutely LOSE IT!

Yes, this is another one of my multitudes of quirks.

TROOF!

There are so many different diets and lifestyle things and ways to improve your this and improve your that, things out there that claim will enhance your life, extend your life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..... The catch is, all you have to do is give up all the things that you love, like sleeping in or skipping a workout every once in a while or cutting out cake and cookies and ice cream and stuff like that or no meat or bacon..... What the fuck is that kind of shit??!?? There are plenty of ways to go about leading a healthy life and having a healthy lifestyle that doesn't include having to give up all the things you like. Seriously. Why in the hell would you want the last years in life to be extended? Are they really going to be all that great? I would much rather be able to do the things I like and eat the things I love and enjoy my life than look back on it with regret because I didn't eat something or didn't do something.

I suppose there are plenty of reasons as to why the "golden years" might be worth sticking around for. And I do admit that doing so healthily and still with able body would be great. I'd like to meet my grandchildren and great grandchildren some day! That'd be pretty cool. But I really don't think that subscribing to any one "lifestyle" is going to do it. I think it IS a moderation thing. It makes me laugh to see the different "lifestyle" thingies that people push onto others, whether it's a certain diet, exercise, religion, some kind of belief in something. They see themselves as revolutionary and different and free thinking, and all the while I look at them and laugh as they follow their guru's of health, nutrition and spirituality while I merrily skip along and actually DO my own thing. I just don't see myself sticking to any one thing because I lack the attention span and I really don't like people telling me what to do.

I suppose, if it works for some people, they can do whatever the hell pleases them. That's fine. It's their choice. But I don't like the idea of it being pushed on me and forced down my throat either. DO NOT WANT! :sigh: You have your way, I'll  have it mine. Let's leave it at that. :)

Me= Fucking Awesome

I occasionally allow myself an, "I am FUCKING AWESOME!" moment because, well, damn it! I deserve it. And by occasionally, I mean most of the time. My life is such that if I don't do it for myself, it's not really ever going to happen. And it shouldn't be that I'm looking for praise or attention or vindication or whatever from other people because I can't give those things to myself and be proud of who I am. That's just needy and pathetic. Having to have to seek out those things from those around you, whether you know them or not is nothing when you can't grant those things to yourself. It's kind of like living your life to please everyone around you. Having to plaster on a facade of sorts and denying what and who it is that you really are. The actions of a person should speak louder than the words spoken, and if the intent isn't there, it really shows. And really? Why bother? Well, unless you really ARE a douchewad and you know it. Then I guess you HAVE to plaster on some fake whatever and seek out praise from other people in order to make yourself feel better. I'll tell you the secret to that though. Just don't act like such an douchewad and you won't have to worry about it any more. Just sayin'.......

The joy of having siblings....

I watch my kids interact and I wonder how in the hell they are still going to be able to be friends when they get older. They bicker and fight, they whine and groan, they can be downright mean and nasty to each other..... And yet, when they are alone for too long, they tend to gravitate back towards one another and end up playing with each other until the next "dramatic episode".

I curb the whining and the crying as much as I can. I find it to be rather pathetic. The sniping and the shitty behavior is truly just little people version of what it's like to listen to a bunch of whiny little democrats, bitching about everything being unfair to them. I will NOT tolerate THAT kind of shit. It's strange though, as much as they seem to hate each other sometimes, I can tell that they really don't. We had hurricane Sandy blow through and take out our power for a few days and the kids were forced to interact with each other and play with each other instead of them scattering in different directions to play outside or plug into their electronic devices and shit like that. At night, I popped movies into a charged laptop and they all snuggled on the floor with blankets and pillows and fell asleep like a litter of puppies in a nest of stuffed animals and bedding. And the following morning, the routine would start again. It was really nice. I've also seen my older ones get testy on the playground when some kids were picking on their younger siblings. Or when we're out somewhere, the older boys are watching out for the younger ones all the time and I would hear them saying to the younger ones, "Be careful! Stay over here by me, okay?" It was quite endearing.

My hopes are that someday, the four of them will be able to look back on some of these moments and laugh as they sit together and hang out like best friends. I'm looking forward to that.

The FUCK word......

I am probably more guilty than most of overusing the fuck word. I use it a lot. Some of the times, it may not be a "FUCK!" situation, but I use the word anyway. Then there are times when it IS a "FUCK!" situation and I'll use it even more. I'm not really quite sure WHY the word is so offensive though. It's just a fucking word. But it's a pretty powerful word if you think about it and for whatever reason. I mean, come on! You go from it "being a problem" to "being a fucking problem".  It goes from "being awesome" to "being fucking awesome". The word makes a statement pack quite a wallop when you throw it into a sentence and can determine a greater degree of intensity and meaning. But a "bad" word? I would think words like famine, child abuse, rape, murder, animal torture, stuff like that would be WAY more offensive and disgusting. But the fuck word?

Sometimes, I may not necessarily mean to say the fuck word, but it just comes out in a "FUCK YEAH! "or a "HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHITBALLS!" I don't know why. It just does. Can I control it? Of course I can. It's not like I'm not all "Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck!" all the time or anything. I just like to exercise my right to use words like shit and piss and cunt and fuck and shit like that.

Fear...

In my younger days, my fears about things were a lot different than now. I didn't cope well with "real life" things and my mind was always hovering 10 feet from where the rest of me was. The eternal dreamer. I feared "growing up" and losing the fun happy times of youth. The real life worries consisted of "Where am I going to hang out tonight?" and "Which t-shirt should I wear?"

Now a days, my fears and worries are not grounded in anything other than the fear of something happening to one of my children and the impact that it would have on me and what I would do to the individual or individuals who were responsible for perpetrating said harm to my cubs and whether I'd be able to come back from that after I did. My fears revolve around the future and what it holds. Not in that "dread and doom" kind of way, but the "I hope I can do right by my children..." kind of way. Most of my worries are now based in the solid foundations of reality and something beyond the "right here and right now". Gone are the days when I worried about what now seem so trivial and stupid. How weird, because at the time, they seemed so important.

It's weird the kind of things we'll endure for our kids. All variety of bodily fluids and not so fluids, sleepless nights, frustrations, heartbreak, worry, the overwhelming desire to take away their pain when they hurt or feel sad. All things a I didn't think I was going to be able to deal with, but here I am, a four time mom and although every day brings it's own set of challenges, I meet and greet them and deal.

My youngest starts school next fall leaving me the time to decide where to work. And I thought I'd be a little apprehensive about it all, but the reality is, I'm pretty excited to move forward into the "next phase". Go figure!

"Do you KNOW who I AM?"

A woman tapped me on the shoulder as I was going through the market with my children. She commented on how well behaved and orderly they were and asked me what my secret was. I responded pretty deadpan, "I beat them...." then I laughed and told her I was kidding and said, "I actually participate in my children's lives and actively parent my children." She proceeded to go on about the importance of nurturing my children and letting the children decide who they are and that "actively parenting" my children sounds much more like actively trying to control them and children need to be left to their own devices sometimes and blah, blah, blah and that keeping such a tight rein on them will only cause them to lash out and become the monsters in the school systems, causing problems for people like her and all the other kids in the school systems will suffer terribly because I may be going about the raising of my children incorrectly and blah, blah, blah.... verbal diarrea, blah.

So I responded to her, without using the fuck word! (I know! I was quite shocked myself!) "Uh-huh. Wow.... So..... How many kids do you have? " to which her response was, "None. But I do have a degree in child psychology and I know quite a bit about children. I AM an expert and I went to school for this..." 

I didn't know whether I wanted to laugh out loud in her face or punch her lights out or both. I opted to laugh out loud..... I suppose only those with children who aren't complete and total shits understand  the importance of actively parenting their children, and would have found this exchange to be a rather amusing and funny...... 

The simple things in life......

It's never a good thing to take things for granted. And having lofty goals and plans is a good thing (because if we DIDN'T have them, how would we know whether or not we could make them a reality?) but sometimes it's a great idea to sit down, take a deep breath and enjoy the simple things too. The simple things that make you smile or giggle. Taking a moment to NOT take yourself so seriously and just relax.

Call it "being childish" if you want, but I've found that the happiest people aren't the uptight bitches, but the people who let loose and laugh and enjoy everything in their lives. They make the most of what they have and don't take themselves too seriously. There is a lot of things we can learn from people like this. I have found a few of the gurus of this practice and I am learning to employ these methods in my own life. :) But don't worry. I'l will still remain a potty mouthed, witty but sarcastic bitch. I can't lose THAT. It's part of what makes up my charm! And although I have gotten a lot better about laughing at myself and not taking myself too seriously, I'm still on the road to learning how to just let things go and not be such an "intense" individual.

Bah. These things will come with time. In the meantime, I keep going along.

Job Finding.....

Well, I am coming to the realization that my youngest will be starting kindergarten next fall and I have also accepted the fact that all my babies will be out of the house during the day..... It's time for me to start thinking about getting a jobby job and working outside the home.

The problem is, I don't work well with others, I hate people and I can't stand idiots, all of whom I'd probably have to come in contact with at some point during my duties as a staffer at some place. If I could be left alone to do some task or whatever, and was guaranteed to be left alone and not have to deal with people, that'd be great. The reality of that? I'm not quite sure that would happen. On the other side of that.....

I've got a few ideas kicking around in my head right now and I've started my research already. My ideas have potential and might just work out well for me. I'm kind of excited about them. :) A jobby job...... Wow.

Go ask your mom.....

It's not to say that dads can't take care of things when it comes to the kids, but they're just dads. Compared to mom, they're fucking idiots. There are dads who do try and make cute attempts. Others' attempts are pathetic and worthy of sheer contempt. But seriously..... There's no one quite like the mom, the wielder of the power, the answerer of questions, the iron fist, the finder of things lost, the mighty vanquisher of nightmares.... Well, you get the idea. I mean, it is in normal households.

Then you get those women who should have been sterilized at birth. The nutbags who kill their own babies or abuse them or send them out to satisfy the sexual needs of pedophiles. Why do we let these people live? I mean, "MOM" is the very title that should instill great love, and has a true power that is unmatched by any other. Mom has all the answers. Mom knows what the hell is going on. It's mom. Well, maybe not mine. I'm still trying to sell mine. I'll even throw my dad in for free! Come on! Any takers?

Karaoke....

I don't do karaoke any more. Firstly, because I can't sing to save my life and it's tough watching the people having to listen to the screeching noises coming out of my mouth writhe around on the floor, holding their ears and dying a slow and painful death. Those with a certain masochistic streak stand around and listen to me and will often find me quite amusing because I'm singing all the words wrong.... It's because I really don't know the song and I can't read the screen thing and sing at the same time.... I can't do it. But when the chorus part that I DO know rolls around??!?? I'm am a super rock star!

Veteran's Day 2012

Please take a moment today, to honor those who gave all so that we can continue to enjoy our freedoms (such as they are) as Americans. Today is a day we honor all those who served and gave the ultimate sacrifice. Today is the day we give out thanks to their families who paid the ultimate price. We should take a moment to remember why we are able to enjoy our country and what it is to be American and those who protect those rights within our borders and beyond. It has nothing to do with whether or not you believe in war or not. It has nothing to do with whether  having a military is good or bad. The fact is, we do, and they are out there giving all for their country. And if that's STILL something you can't understand, go find somewhere else to sob. I am a proud American and I support our troops.

Short....

I've never been "the tall one" anywhere, EVER. I've always been diminutive in stature. It never really stopped me from doing shit though. Maybe it's a short person complex or whatever, but I didn't let my height/ size, or lack thereof, stop me from doing whatever the "bigger kids" were doing. Sometimes, I did great. Sometimes, I did okay. Sometimes, I failed because I couldn't keep up, I got the shit stomped out of me, I wasn't big and or tall enough. But I ALWAYS got kudos for tryin'.

In short: The world couldn't handle a "full sized version" of me with the proportionate amount of awesome. That'd just be WAY TOO MUCH awesome concentrated into one single area and the world would probably implode.