I PRAY to bacon.....

As we edged EVER SO CLOSELY to the end of this holiday nightmare thing...... People got crazier by the minute. I had gotten all of the things that I wanted to get done, accomplished, but seriously? My every day errands had become dangerous missions. I was armed to the teeth every time I went out, I refused to bring my kids into any of it, and my mood darkened with every passing moment. I swear, people were getting more retarded and it took every ounce of willpower NOT to backhand them and tell them to calm their tits. Grrrr.......... 

So, being the beloved asshole that I am, I present to you: What makes me an asshole, reason #512: 

Well, my first mistake was going to the store on a Saturday afternoon, a couple of weeks before Christmas. Alright.... Fine. I'll admit it. It was stupid. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. In my defense, I usually have all of my grocery shopping done in the morning, but with life happening, I didn't have the time that day. Still..... Stupid. 

Anyway, I get to the aisle where they have those stupid stuffed animals that have the buttons, and when you push the stupid button, it starts singing stupid Christmas songs. Well, there was a little kid, probably about four years old, with his mom standing there, and he was pushing the button and dancing to the music. Every time it stopped, he would push the button again and go back to dancing. A happy little kid, not bothering anyone, having fun, not whining and complaining about anything. Just minding his own business and having the time of his life. I couldn't help but watch and smile. Not too many things brings a smile to my mug during the holiday season, but I have to admit, watching this kid, I couldn't help myself.

CUTENESS ALERT: So, the little kid saw me watching him and he asked me, "Do you want to dance with me?" So, being the sucker for little kids that I am, I said, "SURE!" He pushed the button, we danced and YAY! He thanked me for dancing with him, and I thanked him back. Mom was smiling. AWESOME! A nice little moment shared by strangers. It doesn't randomly happen like that too often in life. 

I went to go back about my business, the kid went to go back about his and went to push the button again and some DOUCHEBAG started yelling at the poor kid. "STOP FUCKING PUSHING THE BUTTON! IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!" I made IMMEDIATE eye contact with the ass hat and I deliberately put my finger out and pushed the button myself. And kept eye contact with him as I danced away like an idiot. I was not about to break eye contact with this guy, and without doing so, when the music stopped, I put my finger out again, and pushed the button a second time and started dancing. The wondertard huffed and stormed away. 

It was ON right then and there. I popped one of those toys into my cart and dammit, EVERY TIME I saw the guy in a different aisle, I pushed the fucking button. When I was done with my grocery shopping, I purchased the stupid snowman, paid cash for it, (worth every cent of the $9.99 plus tax that I paid for the thing at that point) threw it into a bag along with the receipt, found the kid and his mom and handed the kid the bag and said, "Merry Christmas, kiddo! Thanks for dancing with me!" He peered into the bag and was ecstatic. My good deed for the day was done.

No, the thing that made me an asshole on that occasion wasn't that I willfully annoyed the shit out of some douchebag twat waffle. THAT was just icing. What made me an asshole was that I sent this kid home with a noise making toy that he obviously enjoyed and would be pushing the button of, MANY times, and it would surely drive his mom absolutely bat shit. Totally worth it.

Yup... ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey:: :quarter turn: ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey::  THANK YOU ALL!!!!  :takes bow:  Yes! I'M AN ASSHOLE!!! THANK YOU! I'M OUT!!  :drops microphone and walks off stage: