Happy Halloween 2013!

It's my favorite holiday of the year and we are here, ready to celebrate the snot out of it! The one day of the year, you can dress up and be the most outrageous whatever you want to be and get away with it...... I mean, it's also a great opportunity for sluts to dress like absolute whores and stuff too, and it's a real shame that most of them are NOT built to wear the things they do, which is JUST WRONG!!!!!! But I am off topic.

Yes, I spent the time "testing" a couple of bags of candy while hiding out in the closet. Yes, the children came knocking at the door when the heard the crinkling of multiple candy wrappers. Yes, I told them that I was doing them a favor by "testing" the candy. No, they did not buy that for a second.

I'll be helping out at the elementary school parties today and seeing all the little kiddies dressed up in their little get ups. I'll help get them all hopped up on candies and treats before sending them home on the bus. It is going to be great. Then, when I've peeled my own kids off the ceiling, I will feed them supper and take them out for Trick or Treating, take a shit ton of pictures and watch them go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds as they consume the sugary goodies that they amassed on their trip out around the neighborhood.

Then I will cycle them through the showers as they begin to crash from their sugar rushes, tuck them into bed as the last bit of the sugar twitches occurs and listen at their bedroom doors as they begin to snore, dreaming away of mountains of chocolates and nougat, caramel and lollipops, monsters and fairies, ninjas and super heroes. Nothing like Halloween! YAY!

Happy Mischief Day 2013!

Ahhhh...... The day before Halloween. And you know what THAT means. Yup. Mischief night will come when the sun goes down..... Time to prep the hose and pellet guns for potential attackers of the house. Time to batten down the hatches and await the storm of teenaged hoodlums, armed with their rotten eggs, shaving cream and toilet paper. I LOVE this time of year! It's a shame that it has to be so closely followed by the year end holidays that I hate so much.

Toothpaste......

I've often wondered about the lowly toothpaste tube and how much ick it sees on a daily basis. Let me explain: The human mouth is a disgusting place. Second to your anus, it's pretty  much a cesspool of disgusting yuckiness. Look that shit up. That is FACT. So, here we are, sharing a communal tube of toothpaste, which gets used by EVERYBODY in the house, on toothbrushes that touch the mouths of the toothbrushes, thereby transmigrating all the ick from one's mouth onto and kind of INTO the tube of toothpaste. Now, don't get me wrong. We have only one tube of toothpaste here and it's the only one that gets used by everyone, and it's not like I'm going to go out and get myself my OWN tube of toothpaste, only to be used BY ME or anything, nor am I all freaked out by it. This is just something that I happened to be thinking about and had a dream about the other night.

Yup. A DREAM.  Except that the toothpaste tube had legs and fangs and was trying to bite everyone and infect them with a mutant strain of gingivitis in the privates. And, of course, the only way to kill it was a course of antibiotics and Twizzlers. Then, something, something, something and we broke into a musical number (which I wish I remembered because it felt like it was a pretty catchy tune...) and then I woke up.... (Don't try and understand it. It will only drive you mad. Just flow with it. Let the madness rush over you and flow passed you. It's okay.....)

Yeah, so, remember that the next time you're brushing your teeth. You're welcome.

Made up language....

Yes, my kids and I have a "made up language" of sorts. Not "baby talk", but just made up words we use to describe things and mean for certain others. I have been doing it since I was little and it just stuck. I continue to do it even now and it rubbed off on the kids. And now they do it too. We have certain words that we use all the time that may not make sense to other people, we have others that pop up on the fly. Weird thing about it is that we understand what we're saying and the conversation flows along smoothly. Why? Well, I've found that there are certain things that you are trying to describe, whether they are sensations or textures or feelings or a something that just can't be described in a word that is known to humankind. There just simply isn't  a word for it. There JUST ISN'T. And there is nothing more frustrating than trying to get a point across to someone, but the words just aren't there. I HATE that!

Well, apparently, there are people who think what we do is stupid. Not that I've asked for their stupid fuckin' opinions or anything, but they sure do give it! See, the way I see it is, communication skills come from being able to adequately explain oneself to another individuals. But in order to do so effectively, there has to be a certain pattern, a certain flow, a certain beat to the way a person speaks in order to successfully get said point across. As little ones, the words may just not be there. And if ANYONE wants to argue with me that "there is a lack of "sophistication" in a child's thought processes where if they don't know the word, they don't need to because they wouldn't understand the concept of it anyway...", well, you're just an idiot and you have no business raising kids, being near kids, just do the world a favor and hide yourself in a cave for, oh,  I don't know, ever. Ever would be good. Shut up.

I see the "creation of words" to be a creative thing and it nurtures imagination. I mean, to be able to come up with a word, and for the creator of said word to define it, and have it understood by others.... Well, isn't that what any language all it really is? A series of sounds strung together to "name" something, and this "name of something" having a definition to mean a person, place, thing, emotion, state of being, action, description or whatever, and it being understood by others.... So yeah. We do it. And we will keep on doing it too.

Go ahead and GOOGLE-y Google the word "flabammo". Yeah, that's right BITCHES! It's one of mine. And if I'm not showing up as the first person in those searches, somebody had better call the fuckin' police because I've been ROBBED!

Thanks!

I just got around at looking at the numbers for the blog here and wow! I didn't realize how many people were stopping by! I know that I've posted a few times about how many visitors this blog has had, from where abouts in the world and stuff, but dang!

Thanks for stopping by again, to all those who frequent here. Friends, stalkers, curious onlookers and total strangers alike. And if this is your first time here? Well then, I say to you, "Welcome to my madness.... Good luck to you and may whatever god you believe in have mercy on you because this place certainly won't."

HIGH FIVE!!!    :)

Television shows......

I don't spend a whole shit ton of time watching the new shows that all the people are getting into. I mean, I have the shows that I watch and stuff, but none of the newer ones. Mostly reruns that are marathon-ed on USA and TNT in the mornings and stuff. Like, seriously. Walking Dead and Breaking Bad and King of Thrones and Sons of Anarchy and shit. I couldn't even BEGIN to tell you what they were all about, who any of the characters are, what's going on or anything. I hear all about how great "last night's episode" was because it's all over the place, but yeah.... no. I haven't done it.

I think I gave up on "new shows" after the seventh season of Smallville and when The Last Airbender ended. Seriously. I gave up..... That was back in, what, 2007-2008? Yeah. I think the most recent of shows that I got into are Supernatural, I mean, come on! They drive around the country, in a '67 Chevy Impala, with a full armory of weapons in the trunk, killing stuff. They have some pretty awesome friends that know all sorts of shit or are demons or angels or some shit and stuff is always happening. Aaaaaaaand, that's really about it. I watch the Law and Orders. Mostly SVU because Stabler and Finn rough up perps sometimes and I find that funny. Um...... The rest of the shit I watch is like Pawn Stars, the Food Porn Network and fluffy cute things on Animal Planet. I think that basically covers the gamut. Sure, I'll catch a flick on the TV from time to time. And yes, occasionally, I will get sucked into the most STUPID movies, (Although I am STILL convinced that Sharknado CAN happen in real life....) but, yeah....

I'm sure someday I'll pick up another show that I'll start and finish and become depressed over because it's done. Like I did with Buffy or Xena. Yeah, shut up. Don't judge me.

My apocalypse stockpile......

I've always wondered what flavor the apocalypse would come in. I actually obsess about it. (As you may have guessed by now, if you've been following along here....) Zombies? Giant meteor? Horrid disease? Rising ocean waters? Re-emergence of dinosaurs? Nuclear holocaust? A combination of all of the above? I mean, I think I come up with about four different scenarios as to how the end of the world happens every day, or at least every other day. And then I think to myself, "Well, how would I prepare for this particular end of the world scenario?"

I suppose it wouldn't be a terrible think to have a stockpile of food, ammo, water and medical supplies. Of course, securing a fully stocked Walmart would be kind of cool..... Then, a means to travel. And have a stockpile of fuel.... and then trying to figure out whether it's a safer bet to stay and "hold down the fort", so to speak, or to travel and keep moving......

Then, it gets al sorts of crazy because I get into who we would keep and who would we shun away? Would I be able to put down zombies that were people I used to know? Would I suck it up if I ended up contracting the horrible disease? Where is the nearest nuclear disaster shelter? Do we have a fucking boat? What the fuck was that dinosaur that had those teeth and claws and venom things called? HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!

And I end up freaking out and vowing NEVER to drink another caffeinated beverage EVER AGAIN, until tomorrow, because I'm pretty much convinced that caffeine is part of the reason why my imagination goes in to hyperdrive sometimes.

Welcome to my world.

Say my name!

I used to get pretty pissed off when my parents called me by my sister's name. Even AFTER she moved out of the house. My parents would STILL call me by my sister's name. Granted, she was the favorite and stuff, but still. Seriously.... DO you remember that scene in A League of Their Own", the movie where Geena Davis and Lori Petty were sisters and ended up playing major league baseball on on an all woman league where Lori Petty is describing how the parents introduce the two of them to other people?
"This is our daughter Dottie....... And this is our other daughter..... Dottie's sister." Yeah. That was me. I was the other daughter. My sister's sister. 

So, it was YEARS later, after I had my own kids and stuff, that a found myself doing the same thing. Calling the kids by the wrong name. Calling them by the dog's name. Hell, I even started making up names. And then I thought to myself, "Holy hell! What the actual fuck right now!" It totally messed with the feng shui of my -ness! In discovering that it just happens was like, "Oh my LANTA......" and then it was like, "I'm becoming like my parents!!!!!" and going through an absolute freak out moment. It was a pretty bad day.

Yeah..... So that.

Being the mom of a teenaged boy.....

There is much that I will NEVER understand about my son. Mostly because I was never a teenaged boy myself. This is a fact that Puppy Guts reminds me of quite often. The boy's broody, pissy manner causes all sorts of fun drama. And by "fun" I mean, "someone shoot me now..... This kid is killing me too slowly!" His little outbursts are nothing short of fucking annoying. His attitude is something to loathe and I swear on all things holy, there are days when I'd like to slap the shitty behavior right out of him. HARD. His level of disrespect is TRULY a thing created by some sadistic demon in one of the middle circles of hell, and the selfish, ME, ME, ME shit is just mind boggling.

There are times when I think he does it because he hates me. I KNOW for a fact that he does some of the things he does on purpose, JUST to push my buttons. He still hasn't learned that THAT game always ends badly for him though, but he does it anyway, JUST to get that instant satisfaction at that moment. Then, when he is faced with the consequences of his own fucking actions, it leads to yet another temper tantrum. And then, the cycle starts all over again. Heaps of good fun for everyone..... NOT!

He rolls his eyes constantly and his whining and bitching is absolutely nerve wracking. Like nails to a chalkboard. He claims that I am the ultimate bitch supreme and that I'm a stupid idiot who doesn't understand anything. I've explained to him that he is nothing more than a spoiled little shit with an attitude problem that he can't back up and that his level of selfishness is unacceptable and his excuse slinging will not be tolerated.

I hope we both survive his teen years... I mean, I've got three more live ones in the mag for the "teenaged years", but JEEZ, this kid is a doozy..... FUCK!

The END.....

Have you ever contemplated what "the end" is? I'm not talking about death here folks nor am I talking about the "what happens when we die" thing. I'm talking about THE end. What has a beginning eventually has an end, right? I mean, we hear a lot about the apocalypse and "the end of the world" type shit, but what does that really mean. And really, if you think about it,  the end has already begun. I mean, the end really started when everything began, so..... It's inevitable, right? So, is "the end" something that is long and drawn out then? Some painful struggle where we fight to save ourselves and keep the end from coming in some futile attempt in which we ultimately fail anyway? Or is it like a light switch when <FLIP>, it's on and <FLIP>, it's off and then that's it. THE END. It's such a mystery to me and I find myself thinking about it quite a bit. Not like "the morbidly creepy" kind of way. It's more of a curiosity than anything else because no one really knows. It's like the cliffhanger at the end of a season of your favorite show. Or better yet, like the last episode of the series finale of your favorite show. I wonder if the end is going to be like how upset I got when they cancelled Buffy......

Calm down with the Christmas shit, okay?

Dear "all the store that I go to because of necessity",
Can we PLEASE at least get through Halloween before you start bombarding us with all the Christmas shit? Really? Please stop ruining my Halloween with all the tinsel and Christmas crap.

Thank you. And by "thank you" I really mean, "GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"

Bah HUMBUG, assholes! Seriously. Calm the fuck down. It's only October.

Love, Mia

Music......

So, they say that music soothes the soul. I don't have my doubts about this. I think about the many times that I have been affected by music. I mean REALLY affected by music. It has riled me, it has brought me to tears. It has given me goose bumps, it has excited me. It has given me strength, it has weakened me. It has dragged me through every spectrum of emotions that I am capable of feeling. We all associate some memory or feeling or something to a song or a series of songs. There are songs that evoke a certain emotion. There are songs that we hear for the first time that we feel attached to and we don't really know why. Maybe a certain lyric or all the lyrics. Something. But it does stir something inside of us and evokes a feeling or sensation. That's some powerful shit right there, if you think about it. It's a random collaborations of sound waves put together in an order that creates this flowing pattern of noises that our brains interpret as "music". (Although I have to say at this point, that some people's taste in music fucking sucks.) And this music stuff has a certain energy or a power, if you will, that moves people in a certain way.

I mean, I get that not all people are going to like the same music. The tastes vary from person to person. I get it. But there is a certain something about music that creates some kind of force that moves us, whether on the inside where we feel things or on the outside, when it moves us to dance. (Well, some of us don't "dance" per se.... More like a series of hyper-spaztic movements....) But a something.

I've thought much about that "something". Actually, I've obsessed over it. I still think that music holds the key to world domination (another obsession of mine). Okay, think about this: Have you ever been to a concert and felt the energy of the stadium/arena when the music is going? It's like a universal oneness. It's almost eerie how silent it can get and it's completely insane how loud it can become and that dynamism is mind altering. That electricity is tangible. It's nuts. Or how about a national anthem. OUR National Anthem. Well, I get that to a lot of folks, our anthem doesn't mean much to them, but there are those of us who still love our country and it still stirs the very cores of our beings when we hear it. Again, another certain current of some force brought about from music.

THEN, let me tell you about this four chord progression theory that I also have regarding music. I mean, if you go to youtube and look up "four chord song" you'll come up with a bunch of videos of all the different songs that are really all the same song, just with different lyrics. It's weird. It spans over different genres of music to suit every palate, but it's the same music..... WTF??!?!?!?? And people flock to these artists like love starved groupies and they love these songs and junk....

So... What am I going to do about it or do with my thoughts and theories? Probably nothing but continue to obsess over them and stuff. But I'm telling you. there is a secret formula or something there. It is powerful and it would conquer worlds...... If I could juuuuuuuuuuust figure it out.......

Zero to bitch in 0.5 seconds.......

I almost ALWAYS wake up in a pretty decent mood. Okay, no I don't.  But I start my day off with a good stiff cup of coffee and drag ass until the caffeine hits. Then, I'm a'ight. I mean, it's no big secret that I am NOT a fan of people. I'm also definitely not a morning person. I deal with more than my fair share of crap on any given day, and I'm pretty much a bitch most of the time. Eh.

But on the outside, I do try to maintain a composed manner about myself and try to stay within the confines of "acceptable" when out and about in public. I try and
"conform" and do what is expected of me from the rest of the "civilized world", even though, in the back of my mind, I am always questioning who it might have been that determined what is proper and why. Who gave THAT guy all the power to decide? But then, I digress. I always seem awkward and weird anyway, but I try.

Then, it happens. That moment when I go from "normal person" to that which most consider crass or rude or downright unladylike. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not one to mince words for the most part and I'm pretty borderline rude when it comes to my bluntness. But then the writers / producers / directors of my life throw me a curveball and throw in a doozy to boost the rating on The Mia Show. It could be an event, it could be a stupid person, it could be a combination of both..... But it gets thrown in there. :C

Yeah, and by the way? I'm still waiting for that bajillion dollar payoff and that Arby's roast beef sandwich. Seriously. Can someone please get on that right away? Now? Hello? Is this thing on?

The Other Side....

So, where did I really end up when I came out of the "other side of depression" here. I mean, I took a two month hiatus of sorts to sit and be and all, allowed my ass to grow and my waistline to expand and my fitness to have failed quite a bit. I look like crap. The looking like crap thing finally caught up to the feeling like crap. Ya know? I stewed in misery and sat in a state of inactivity, rebooted my system and I've emerged out the other end of this proverbial tunnel. So what came of it?

Well, let's assess this. Has my writing improved? No. Certainly not. They are still the attention deficit ramblings of an obsessive compulsive, spewer of words, words that get mashed into semi sentences that may or may not make any semblance of sense. I'm still producing the same shitty posts about the same kind of shit in my life or the same  random observations that I make about the same sort of experiences that I have. They are nothing more than sophomoric and inane little tidbits from my life. Some of them may hold small nuggets of truth, intellect, insight, knowledge or some deep, thought provoking something from time to time, you know, during the times that I am actually able to hold onto a coherent thought long enough to type them out. Others are really just a jumble of words that I can only hope will be interpreted the way I intended them to be taken, while I mashed the keyboard with clumsy fists in an attempt to form words in an order that may resemble sentences. I don't know. But here it all is.

Okay, but what of content..... Surely there must be some improvement there, no? Well, the contents haven't a real wide range. I seem to bitch about all manner of subjects and I say the word fuck a lot, but yeah..... The content really hasn't changed a bit. Some of the topics range from crazy to silly to somewhat serious, but this is the scope of my life, really. I mean this IS my life. Yes, I'm sure that there is a lesson I should be learning from all of this stuff happening in my life, but considering the fact that I really have no clear goals as to where my life is actually heading, it makes it rather difficult to determine what life lessons I should ultimately take with me as I move forward..... What to do...... What to do.........

It's not to say that I won't figure it all out eventually and get it all worked out, but the process has proven itself to be rather difficult. Huh...... go figure. I thought that when I reached a certain age, it would get easier. I guess I was mistaken.......

Eddie.......

It would seem that I need to explain who "Eddie" is. Well, okay. Here it goes: It just happens to be that I named the "voice in my head". Everyone has one. Whether you want to call it your "conscience" or your "id", "ego", whatever, I have always envisioned my "that thing" to be a big black, gay man with a deep, rich voice... and a lisp. I mean, even when I was little. He's always been the same. Singing show tunes and spewing out random thoughts. He was my childhood "imaginary friend". And then I grew up...... The thing of it is, HE didn't leave.

I know that it's basically my rich and inventive imagination that makes Eddie who he is. I also know that Eddie is a piece of my psyche and no, it's not like "voices in my head that tell me to do bad things" kind of voice. It's like this constant chattering. The source of my insomnia on most nights. The voice of my doubts and fear. The singing of my own praises. The cheering of my biggest fan. The crier of my accolades. The rememberer of my greatest failures. Non-stop. All. The. Time.

Am I right? Hello? No? Just me? Oh..... Okay. Carry on then.

Selfish purchase........

So, I have a confession to make. I bought something. It was a purely selfish purchase and I probably should not have spent the money, but I wanted it, I had to have it and I went out and did it. Now, before you go all "judge-y judgerton" on my ass, Puppy Guts will vouch for me and say, I am NOT a shopp-y person. I don't like shopping. It takes a shit ton of effort for me to go to the grocery store, and I do that out of necessity. I can't stand clothes shopping, shoe shopping, ANYTHING shopping.... I don't like it. It's mostly because I don't like people or being around them and interacting with them..... Anyway, so I did it. I went out to go shopping for a completely selfish purchase. I did. I went to Target with the youngest, who was home with me because she had been sick. After three days of being cooped up in the house, she NEEDED to get out. The little snooch scored a new dolly. Creepy looking thing, but hey. Whatever. She had a rough week and she loves her new dolly. Me? I got myself a new crockpot. I sat in the aisle and agonized over which brand and model and stuff. I compared and read all the boxes and compared some more...... Then I settled on the one. I got me a brand new 7 quart crockpot and made an amazing onion soup that Puppy Guts enjoyed thoroughly. I think it kind of made him forget to be a little to be mad that I spent the money on a new crockpot.... Either that or I made it worth it. Whatever.

Yup. That's right. I got myself a crockpot. Now that the weather is getting to be a bit more crisp, I wanted to be able to plan out all the nommy noms I can make with the new slow cooker. I used to have one, but it accidentally got destroyed maliciously during my divorce several years back. I've wanted another one since, but I just couldn't justify spending the money..... Well, I really couldn't justify spending the money now either, but I did it anyway. I'm such a selfish bitch. I will console myself with another helping of some hot, steamy goodness scooped from my selfish purchase. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!

But, I AM an Asian driver........

When I'm driving around, especially if I'm maneuvering around in a parking lot, I'm usually saying things like, "Sorry! Driving while Asian! My bad...... Asian behind the wheel here..... Excuse me. I'm Asian....." out loud. It's mostly to myself really. It's just a thing. It's a habit. I don't mean anything by it. It's just how a Mia, do (said in my best Zefrank accent. If you don't know who Zefrank is, check out his youtube channel and watch the "True Facts" series. It's some funny shit!). Well anyway, I had my window open, and I was maneuvering the Pathfinder out of a parking spot and I was doing my thing. Me? I was minding my own business, trying to get my SUV's wide ass out of a spot that was made impossibly small by a close parker (someone who doesn't park between the lines of a space and parks too close to your car: AKA an asshole). Some lady heard me doing my thing there and she called me a racist. Wha? So, I stopped the car and leaned out the window and said, "Lady! :pointing to my own face: I'm Japanese. It's cool. Relax!" Then she said to me, "Well..... You're really not THAT Asian!" I'm not really sure why, but she got pretty offended when I asked her if she was high.

Alright..... Seriously now. There are a shit ton of reasons why someone would find me to be kind of racist. Although truth be told, does it really make me a racist if I pretty much hate everyone equally? I really think I'm more of a "speciesist" then a "racist" because I hate people, but I digress. Anyway, if you think about it, when I was saying, "Sorry! Driving while Asian! My bad...... Asian behind the wheel here..... Excuse me. I'm Asian.....", I was really only pointing out the obvious: Me = Asian, and that I was, in fact, behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and I was operating said motor vehicle. Now, it would seem to ME that SHE was the racist one because SHE was the one who inferred the negative connotations of "being an Asian behind the wheel of a car".  Whatever.

Bad parent?

So really.... Does it make me a bad mom when broody teen boy goes outside, with his skateboard in hand, saying, "Hey meem..... I'm going outside to skate....... I'm going to try and land <some impossible skate trick> and possibly injure myself a lot. Is that okay?"
And I'm all, "Okay! Have fun!"
No, he didn't land the trick, but he didn't hurt himself either, other than the normal scrapes and bruises any way..... I must go meditate on this.....

My imagination scares me too......

So, there I was, sitting and minding my own fucking business when this gnat flew up my nose.... Well, it was a combination of it flying up my nose RIGHT when I was breathing in. Yeah, I freaked out. I mean COME ON! Ew, right? I got a fucking bug up my nose! And damn it, try as I might to blow my nose and get it out, it didn't happen. I think it's still in there. Then I thought about how it's probably flying around in there, touching things with it's dirty gnat feet and stuff and holy shit! What if it lays eggs, like RIGHT ON MY BRAIN? And they started hatching... Then I'd have baby flying gnats all ooging out in my brain. MUTANT baby flying gnats..... And they'd start eating their way out of my head and stuff..... AND THEN, I'd all be sorts of dead after dying some horrific and painful death and these maggots would continue to mutate and grow and take over the world and use people as human incubators for their mutant maggot spawn and ...... Yeah, I had a few cups of coffee and a can of Rock Star, why do you ask?

My one way ticket......

Eldest boy was explaining to me that his friend, Jesus (pronounced : Hay-zoos) ended up getting his finger stapled to a wood plank because some kids were screwing around in shop class...... I snickered..... Boy thought I was being VERY insensitive and rude. Here he was telling me that his friend got hurt, and there I was laughing. I assured my son that I was NOT laughing at the fact that his friend got hurt. I explained my deal-y to him..... 
Me: So you mean to tell me that Jesus got tacked onto a board because of the misdeeds of others?
Yeah, I lost my shit.
Aaaaaand THAT ladies and gentlemen, is another reason why I have a one way ticket to hell.

Going to Grams' house.....

My Grams was quite an extraordinary woman. She lived her life in Tokushima, Japan. She was a single mom of four kids. Her husband died in WWII when my youngest uncle was just a baby. She ran an inn that catered to businessmen and stuff and provided a life for her and her children. Don't know too much else about the history. Never could understand the tales she told about her younger days and stuff. I would only smile and nod, but they felt like awesome stories. Rich in history and stuff.

Now, me? Well, I'm the ONLY American born child in my generation. Not until my sister and I started having babies did another American come about in our family. Out of all the family I have in Japan, my mom and dad and sister are the only ones who came to the states, and I was the first American of the whole family. Can you say "stigma"? Yeah. Did I mention my family was JAPANESE and outside appearances and honor and all that stuff is pretty important and shit. That is the culture. Now, if you know the history, you know that I was not just a change of life baby for my parents, I was also an "oops" baby. Not just a little. I mean, it was "the luck of the flip of the coin that saved me from meeting my end with a coat hanger" kind of oops. So, yeah. There's that too.

Grams was probably the only one who never judged me. She spoke in a deep colloquial Japanese. Like think of it like the Louisiana bayou / creole version of Japanese. Yeah, so that. My Japanese is MEH at best. When I was a kid, it was probably a little less than meh. Seriously? I don't think I really understood a good god damn word she actually said. But I felt them. And it always made me feel special. She spoke in food too. Which is probably where my REAL love of food originated. It was just one of those things that only Grams could do. She'd size you up first thing in the morning and she would chatter away while making breakfast. Then before you know it, there's breakfast. And it's the very thing you didn't think you wanted, but it WAS. EVERY TIME!

It's not like I got to see a whole shit ton of my Grams, her living in Japan and me, living on the east coast of the wrong continent and all. When I did get out to see her though, it was like I'd never left. For her or for me. It was like she was always there and nothing had changed. She just had a way about her.

When my grams died, it was a pretty harsh blow. It had come months before I was set to go visit her with my kids, so that they could meet their great grandmother. It was a rather soul crushing thing that it never got to happen. It also happened to be RIGHT during the time that my mom was out in Japan visiting. Mom went to Grams' nursing home and spent the day with her. They looked at all the pictures that my mom brought of me and the kids and what had been going on. And bless her, even at close to a hundred years old, she was still as sharp as a tack. She knew me and my children. (Apparently I was the fabulous American one with all the pretty halfie children.) They spent the afternoon putting up all the new pictures around Grams' bed. In the evening, my mom left saying that she would be back in the morning. Grams passed quietly during the night.

It's been a few years since Grams passed. I still find myself thinking about all the things that I think she was saying. I still remember the richness of her voice, the calm and quiet demeanor about her, the way she carried herself with poise and grace. When I imagine her speaking to me, the words coming out of her mouth are gobbledy guck, as they were to me even when it WAS Japanese coming out when she was alive, but I can still FEEL them, just as I did when I sat in front of her as she told me stories.

Yeah, so that.

Us.....

I suppose it's both a good thing and a bad thing that my friends and I are "birds of a feather that flock together". On the one hand, we can sit together and be as weird as we want to be. On the other hand, there really is no censor or "voice of reason" or anything and that tends to become troublesome too. It's not that we are troubled by what people think of us. We usually end up bringing the good time with us and some are able to hang, while others kind of shy away and give us strange looks or condescending glares. Never quite understood it. Oh well. You're not invited anyway.

Analyze it, WITH SCIENCE!

You can say the most OUTRAGEOUS shit if you have back it up with some scientific claim..... Seriously. Even if the "scientific facts" are a bunch of bullshit, people will likely believe you more if you back it up with some fake study done by some obscure group and blah, blah, blah.... It cracks me up how quickly some people will get sucked up into it these conversations. I especially love the people who will try and hijack the fake conversation that I started, basically for my own amusement, and bullshit their way through the rest of the conversation with their own little bit of cow patty to pile on. I am dead serious. Oh come on. You know the type. All eyes on have to be on them because they crave the attention of their peers. It's probably some deep seated resentment of a sibling that was mommy and daddy's favorite. They were always second best. They need to compensate for being mediocre. Yeah. You know the type.....

GO GO POWER RANGERS!

I miss my childhood shows. I miss my not so childhood shows. My era of TNMT. Saturday morning cartoons and shit. I can't help but get all sad when I take a look at the cartoons my kids are watching right now. They're a bunch of crap! I mean TERRIBLE!!!!!

I try to limit the amount of television my kids watch. I also like to keep tabs on the things that they're watching too. I mean, the food porn channel and history channel and stuff are cool, but when it comes to the kids' shows on television, I'm pretty much a TV nazi..... The cartoons being spewed out today are just WRONG. Plus, I don't understand a good portion of them because they make no sense whatsoever. No, I mean, AT ALL.

Then I get into my "conspiracy theory" mode. I mean, what if the government really IS trying to take over our lives and shit and control the fuck out of us? You can start with the new generation and turn them into mindless drones and teach them propaganda shit and junk and watch them grow into mindless adults that are easy to control..... Wait a minute.... It's already happening..... It's been happening.... Crap. I hope it's not too late for us to take it all back and do something about it, but alas..........

It's a SECRET!

Nothing stirs the imagination more than a secret that needs to be kept secret. Am I right? Nothing gets a person's attention more than the taboo of being told something that shouldn't be told to you. It's absolutely CAPTIVATING, isn't it? You can't help yourself. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THIS SECRET-Y SECRET IS!!!!!!!!

That's why I like to look over my shoulder and stuff before I say things to certain people. Try to INFER that what I was about to say was something secrety-y secret. It gets people to focus VERY well. If they think they're hearing something that they ought not to be hearing, or if it seems like I'm letting them in on something that perhaps they really shouldn't know, it gets them to focus on the words coming out of MY mouth. And really, it's all in the hopes that they hear and process what the fuck I'm saying so that I see results. It benefits ME.


So, really, I'm actually doing people a favor. I hate having to repeat myself over and over again and I start to get a little less than personable when I do have to repeat myself. If what I have to say gets herd the first time around and the information gets processed, then everyone wins. I don't get annoyed and I don't have to get snippy with someone and they don't have to feel the snappish side of my personality. It's a win/ win.

The moral of the story? If I'm saying something to you that seems important, pay the fuck attention so I don't have to repeat or keep repeating myself. Just shut the fuck up and get it done.

Ahh..... If only it were that easy.

When the fuck??!?!?!??

So, it was, like, summer just a couple of days ago and now all of a sudden, we're coming to the most dreaded time of the year for me..... Yes. The year end holidays. I mean, it's going to FLABAMMO! be Halloween and then the whirlwind insanity of ThanksgivingChristmasNewYears..... Bleh. This is making me very not happy. Well, I guess I should start getting my grump on and dust off my bah humbug. It soon begins.

Sharknado.....

Yes. I watched it. Sharknado. And YES, I thought WAY too much about it. And I came to the conclusion that it could happen. I mean, it REALLY could happen..... Then I got all freaked out. I mean, think about it. If a tornado is strong enough to pick up a house and drop it miles away, how far fetched would it be for a bunch of sharks to get sucked up and tossed about? And THEN, you KNOW they're going to be pretty angry. I mean, one minute they're all happy, doing shark stuff in the ocean and the next, they're all sucked up into a whirlwind and it's all confusing and shit.... I'd be pretty pissed off too. So what does a pissed off shark do? It eats and mauls and bites and chews up the very next mother fucking living thing that it comes into contact with. You bet your ass it does! I mean, here you are, trying to weather out a tornado, then all of a sudden, there's an angry mother fucking giant shark in your living room, trying to bite the holy fuck out of you and your family. WHAT THE FUCK!

Yeah.... I probably DO need to lay off the Red Bull.... Shut up.

My brain things........

My fave past time used to be posting shit, just to see who was "watching", knowing full damn well that when these people saw it, they'd want to say something, but couldn't because they knew that I would know that they were stalking me. And I'd laugh. It would bring me endless pleasure carefully constructing my posts and wording them just right to make it sting oh so delightfully. Perfection with every word. Then I got over it. It took up too much of my fucking time and I started to realize that it wasn't helping me to move forward. You know. The direction that I've been trying to move.... But sometimes......
:sigh: Yeah.... Still a work on progress here.

Freaking Thursday.......

I can't take that it's only Thursday.... I don't know what it is exactly, but something about a Thursday from time to times irks me. Maybe because it isn't quite yet a Friday. Just a teaser for "the weekend". I can't quite put my finger on it. But still..... Freaking Thursdays.... Pfft.

Whoop ass!

Well, you can't exactly smack the child back, but you CAN certainly give the parent a solid verbal ass whoopin'. And in extreme cases, my kids step in. and will do something about it, but it's gotta be something pretty extreme.

Seriously. I'd be mortified if one of my kids EVER stepped out of line and hit someone in front of me. Not only would the child receive an epic verbal beat down, but they'd be forced to apologize to their victim and be marched straight home for an ass whoopin'. (Unless the person really deserved to get hit.) That's a behavioral thing that needs fixing. Seriously!

No....... CUPCAKE!

So, my new thing since my re-emergence from depression, I discovered that weeks of sitting around on the couch and being sedentary and eating nothing but microwaved pizza snacks have not been kind to my ass and I have become somewhat less than slender. So, I started doing this new fangled thing called exercising and working out. Now, I am told that it is "good for me", but I believe that to be lies. ALL LIES. Intervals and circuit training? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??!?!?! They are arduous and torturous and downright sadistic. It HURTS!!!!! And hill sprints? Um.... No. Oh! And get this! With this "getting healthy" thing, did you KNOW that NO CUPCAKE??!?!?!?!?! NOT cool...... I mean, don't get me wrong. I cupcake. But it's more for the safety of the people near or around me. You're welcome. I mean, because, you know, I accidentally cupcake-d the other day, and by "accidentally" I mean, it happened to fall into my gaping face hole and to avoid choking on it, I om nom nommed it. Oops. On the other side of that and in my defense, I did hear that cupcake drowning is the third leading cause of accidental death in the United States, so...... my "accidental' om nom nomming of cupcake was justified. JUSTIFIED, thank you! Thanks for that tidbit of info, Chris.

It continues.......

My NEWEST compulsion:
So, in continuing on with my obsession that my life is really just a sicker, more twisted take off of The Truman Show, I have been going around tapping random on objects and saying into them, "Is this thing on? Hello? Can someone please write me in an Arby's roast beef sandwich please? Oh, and a bag full of hundreds? Please? Hello?" (I'm not sure which of the thing is a microphone so.....) Still to no avail..... Can one of you get the word out to the writers/ producers please? Thanks!

I AM the Truman Show.......

Perhaps it is my notorious "people watching" that makes me hyper aware of the "participants" in the Psychopalooza Parade that is my life and I just notice them more. Maybe the frequency that I vibrate at naturally attracts them to me and THAT'S why I have so many around me. I mean, seriously. My life seems like it is just a series of strange occurrences strung together haphazardly starring the most loathsome and/or downright crazy and/or mean and/or just weird people.Then I have another theory. Maybe I AM the real Truman Show, and my watching that movie was to help me become aware that my life really IS being orchestrated by some producer/director with a sick and twisted sense of humor and everyone is watching my life on TV and in order to raise the ratings, I get faced with several WTF moments everyday...... That's a pretty disturbing thought. I apologize to all my fans for the things I do. And that other disgusting habit I have. And no, I don't think I had corn and carrots that night, but apparently I did because there it was, am I right?

My distrust in the "professional" community.....

Rant on:
The eldest of the brood was sent to "6 months of mandatory therapy sessions" for a stunt he pulled on the last day of school last year. ( :s Don't even get me started.) Fine. So, I've been taking him and whatever.... 

She called me so that we could "discuss the boy's progress" and she starts spewing all sorts of shit about how I need to understand how hard things must be for the boy because he "suffers" from ADD and OCD. How he can't help the things he does because of these "problems". It just wasn't his fault. I laughed and told her that I probably understood better than she EVER could. She proceeded to tell me that because she had worked with dozens of cases with children with ADD and OCD, it made her the expert. I asked her if she HAS one or both. Of course, her answer was "no". She tried to rattle off her credentials but I stopped her short.

The rant I unleashed went something like this:
Listen, I really don't give a rat's ass about the things you were supposedly taught, what your "credentials" are and how many people you've supposedly "helped". I've known this kid his whole life and I KNOW all about the "difficulties" he's got. They are mine too. Every day is a struggle. Some are good days, some are bad, but I deal. I OWN them and I deal. What I teach him is that he should be doing the same and owning his "issues" and taking responsibility for his actions too. I will NOT allow you to spoon feed him excuses that he can randomly spew for his crappy behaviors and acting like an absolute twat. I will NOT allow you to put into his head, a defeatist attitude from the get go, so that he can set himself up to fail AND be able to provide himself and everyone around him with some lame ass excuse. Degrees and experience are nothing. They aren't more than worthless pieces of paper and time wasted if THIS is the dribble you are "empowering" the next generation with. Turning them into selfish shits with severe entitlements complexes, quick with excuses to blame everything and everyone else around them and not taking any responsibility for anything that they say or do and looking for someone else to fix the problem for them. Hell, if I wanted him to be a commie democrat I'd have bricked him in the temple and let him watch CNN! I have been more flexible and understanding of him than any of my other kids, make no mistake, but I will not allow him an inch so he could take a mile. The reason why I KNOW he has a greater control over his behavior than you seem to think is because he uses it as a reward/ punishment. If there is something he wants, he's freaking awesome. If he doesn't get it, or even when he does, once it's in his hands, he's acting like a little shit again. DO NOT make the mistake of trying to tell me that you know or understand my child better than I do ever again. And DO NOT continue to feed him this worthless dribble and turn him into a whiny, helpless, spoiled brat, quick with a stupid excuse.

She didn't really have a response for that. She said she would "make some notes" and get back to me. :shrug:

Okay, rant off...... for now.

Nope....

I was sitting there cracking my knuckles and I managed to get all ten toes! Yup. That's about as productive as I'm gonna be today.

What?

So, I got told that I was an "amazing person" by some random stranger. I gave her the "German Shepard head tilt". Seriously?

So, I thought about it. I mean, I will admit that my frequent and often times creative use of the word FUCK is pretty impressive, and has inspired such terms as "go fuck yourself with a running chainsaw..." Then there is my superhuman ability to surf through 300 channels in less than 2 minutes while shoving various pastries into my face. I can use every swear word I know in a single sentence. My sarcastic remarks and overall snarkiness is first rate. I have the ability to attract undesirables that end up being the fodder for my blog posts. I mean, the personal anecdotes from my everyday are pretty much just the never ending FREAKAPOLOOZA Parade that is my life. Not that this woman would have known anything about any of this.....

Wow... When I put it THAT way, I guess I AM pretty amazing! I'm fucking awesome! Wither people. Wither. Be grateful y'all know me. I must go forth now and put all of these and the many more of my talents into action and dazzle the world with my awesome super amazingness!!!! :with heavy sarcasm:

I hate people. I wish these random strangers would leave me alone..... She probably thought she was talking to someone else....... :S

Teach 'em young? Bleh......

I'm gonna complain a little here..... Again..... :
So, we're into the school year, and already I've spent over $700 on school stuff. Granted, I have four kids to buy stuff for..... Now subtract from that $700, about $300 for new school clothes. (Three pairs of pants, three shirts, a package of socks, a package of underwear for each kid)...... Leaving $400. 

I don't know WHEN it happened, but since when is it that the students parents become the ones to supply the whole entire class with stuff for the classroom? I mean, I get it. Tissues (my kids use their fair share), hand sanitizer and wipes. I don't have a problem with "donating" that stuff. But when it comes to school supplies? For them to "pool together" everything from pencils, crayons, pens, notebooks, lined paper, folders, and other shit and "redistribute" the stuff amongst the class? Uh-uh. $400 for school supplies?

I remember going to school with a binder, a pack of lined paper, a couple of notebooks, some pens, some pencils and a ruler. And that shit was MINE. You touched my shit, I'd stab your ass with one of MY pens or one of MY pencils. It cost about $30..... Now, my kids are coming home with these impossibly LONG lists of school supplies that amount to about $400. Granted, it ranged in costs depending on which kid, but seriously, over $100 in school supplies is a bit excessive, no? ESPECIALLY when I'm paying out the nose to watch some of this stuff get "redistributed". Since when did it become MY responsibility to outfit the whole class with school supplies?

Is it me? Am I being a complete selfless jerk? I mean, what the actual fuck!

Another "I hate people" rant

At the school, I ran into these women having THIS conversation:

Woman 1 (bitch): Well, congratulations on your new addition! She's beautiful...... Well, let me tell you, when MY daughter was born, she didn't have that rash on her face like <BABY> does here. MY daughter also had these sweet little dimples on her cheeks and a perfect patch of golden hair on her head..... Yes, MY daughter was born perfect.....

Woman 2 (victim): Yeah, okay.... Well, it was rough. I went through 10 hours of labor, but ended up with a c-section......

Bitch: Oh that's terrible! I would have felt like such a failure at that point! To get THAT far and then end up with a c-section? I felt completely victorious when I ACTUALLY gave birth to my children.

Victim: ......oh. Well, no, it wasn't terrible at all. The both of us faired well and the baby's healthy!

Bitch: So, you're breast feeding, right? Because you know anything else is just wrong!

Victim: Well, because of the c-section, my milk didn't come in well.... I'm breast feeding, but supplementing with the bottle......

Bitch: Oh.... What a shame. Well, I hope your child doesn't end up with all the problems associated with formula feeding. I mean, if you love your children, breast feeding really IS the only way.....

I am completely surprised that the victim didn't do something or at the ver least SAY something. I guess that's why I labeled woman 2 "victim". Did I mention that I hate people? Yeah. I hate people. For this bitch to take away so much from this other woman on, what is on of the most joyous of occasions, was just wrong. I signed my boy (who was absent yesterday due to head congestion) back in to attendance and loudly said to the two youngest, "See that?" pointing to bitch, "THAT is NOT polite you guys.... That's what we call 'being a bitch'. Can you say 'bitch'?" Of course, they both comply. Happily. I turned to victim as I gazed upon this red, wrinkly, angry, Winston Churchill looking mini-gremilin and said, "She is absolutely PERFECT! Congratulations!" And of course my kids were all goo goo ga ga and AWWWWWW over the baby. I eyed bitch, daring her to say something. I got nothing. Bullies HATE being challenged, but alas, they are nothing more than cowards. This one needed to be put in her place. Miraculously, she shut up and I left.

I hate people.

Um.... Are you sure?

There's always that odd weirdness when we do Senshido seminars for a mixed bag of people. Especially when we are first introducing the concept to people and we will pick a big guy from the room. And they will have to "attack" me. It's always met with that uncomfortable hesitation on the dude's part because they're all, "Uh...... Are you sure?" and then get all, "So..... how do you want me to come at you?" It gets even MORE amusing when my response is, "I don't care. Come at me, bro!" and the guy gets all, "Uh... okay, so like.... uh.... this?" and does the pansy, "I don't want to touch a girl because I might get COOTIES" thing where they don't know where to put their hands. :sigh: Too funny....

Sorry Excuses........

I don't let my kids get away with things. I like to call them out when I can. I cannot tolerate their lame ass excuses as to why they didn't do something they were supposed to or why they did something they weren't. I hate the whining and the drama and I don't stand for them blaming all of their woes on everyone around them. But it seems they keep on going with these fucking behaviors and it truly makes me wonder where the fuck they are learning these god damned habits and behavior. It makes me wonder who allows them keep on getting away with those behaviors. And it makes me wonder why.

I get that it's hard being "the bad guy" in the eyes of your children, but people need to get the fuck over that shit and get to parenting their kids. This is getting to be ridiculous. WHY would you want your kids to grow up to be self righteous, selfish, self entitled little cunts? It totally makes me sick. Maybe it's that these people are self righteous, selfish, self entitled little cunts themselves and it becomes difficult to recognize the very same behaviors they exhibit themselves, but believe me when I say, it is VERY apparent to other people when the children start acting in that same manner. It's disgusting.

I continue to fix the negative behaviors that my children bring home because that's my job as a parent. Yes, I have to yell and punish my kids in order to get my point across, because that's my job as a parent. I have to play the role of the bad guy sometimes and play the role of "MOM" because that's my job as a parent. I refuse to throw money and electronics and gifts to my kids because, A.) I can't afford it, and B.) it accomplishes nothing but rewarding all their crappy behaviors as it is allowed to continue because pansy assed "parents" find it hard to keep their kids in line and actually ACTIVELY PARENT their kids.

Yeah, I suppose that if an explanation such as this is needed for people, they never really got the point of becoming a parent anyway.

I'm outside! OPEN THE DOOR!

Puppy Guts and I totally do this. I get him to come outside and help me unload the car or he tells me to come open the door for him. It works out well. There's no guessing who is at the door..... It's ME. I mean, not that our relationship is based on a series of texts. We do actually have real conversations and interactions with one another.

So, is it a matter of laziness on our part? Well, I guess on one hand, it might be considered as such. I mean, texting has become a normal form of communication between some people, as disgusting as that sounds. No meaningful anything. On the other hand, it takes quite a bit more effort to text, "I'm at the door. Come open it! I love you!" than it does to push a doorbell button too.

I don't know..... I guess it has it's place and all, but I'd much rather prefer chatting and actually seeing a person's reaction through conversation than texting. So much gets lost when it's just typed words....

Depression.........

Yes, I have been away, taking a "hiatus" of sorts. Fine. It was an extended one. I had abandoned threads, I had abandoned blog, I had abandoned all online activities and became virtually invisible. I disappeared. I didn't want to be seen. I hated everything and everyone. (No offense.) It's just how I deal with things when overwhelmed with life. A complete shut down in order to re-boot. Not many will understand that logic, but it makes perfect sense to me and honestly, dealing with my brain things is personal. Only ONE person can deal and sort out all that shit for me and that would be me. Only I can determine what is best for my "-ness" and hash out what the fuck is going on in my brain things. It sounds like a lonely road, but in the end, I cannot be influenced by those around me to come to a conclusion that only I should have control over. There's only ME who can decipher the things going on in my head, hear the things in my mind, know the ebbs and flows, the rhythms and the machinations of my own mind. I may not even understand them sometimes, but it's only me ( and Eddie) living here in my mind. Yup. And if I allowed myself to be influenced by those around me during my "introspective moments", I'd only end up getting lost again far faster and sooner than I really should have. I need to have my own voices telling me and helping me go through the processes.... I really don't care how cold and wrong that may sound. It's what I know and what I have. I feel like I owe people an explanation.

I came to the conclusion long ago that I have to use the coping skills that I know how to use. Yes, I was vulnerable. I was raw. I hit a low and I hurt. NO specific reasons as to why. As I understand it, those with critical and intelligent minds tend to need "introverted moments" in order to reassess EVERYTHING. Even if that super intelligence is something that lives in my own mind. Yeah, I have my own set of individualized handful of issues just like EVERYONE ELSE on the face of the planet. Unlike the solid majority of the rest of the world though, I have recognized, acknowledged, aired out, and publicized my issues because I actually DO want to be a better person and instead of just talking about it, I'm doing it. I can actually admit what my faults are and where I need to make improvements. It sucks. A lot. Coming face to face with my faults is rough. And there is no one more critical of me than myself. Which is probably what makes it all the worse. It's a no holds barred, knock down, drawn out, battle royal of the self. And no matter how hard one tries, it is IMPOSSIBLE to hide from oneself. You can plaster on a facade ten miles thick, you're still trapped there, alone, with yourself. I'd much rather face my demons as they come along and deal with them head on then deal with pretending they don't exist and trying to rationalize them when it becomes way more than overwhelming that I have to add on another ten miles of facade to escape them..... Yes,  it brings me to a dark place when I bring myself to a place where most dare not travel within themselves, but I think I end up the better for it in the end, and that's all that matters to me.

It's impossible to explain to those around me, I mean CLOSE people around me what EXACTLY it is that I am experiencing. It's like trying to explain to a "blind from birth" person what the color blue is. Everyone "experiences" the color blue differently. depending on genetics and perception and vision and blah..... It's pretty much "the individual" who "perceives" the concept of what the color blue is. This is FACT people. No one person actually "sees" any one of the infinite shades of a certain color the same way EVER! Wrap your minds around that. Angle, light patterns, the way a single shade, tone, volume, depth, whatever of a SINGLE BLUE, universally and EXACTLY the same all around will STILL be interpreted by all people differently. GAAAAAH SCIENCE!!!!!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!!@ But I digress........

So, I retreated to my corner to lick my wounds. I am only human. Yes, I actually hurt sometimes. It might not be the same way YOU hurt, but I DO actually hurt sometimes. And it's unfortunate, but when I do,  no one is unaffected. I think that no one close enough to me doesn't feel the wake of the waves of blah I go through. I take in hurt that is my own. I take in the hurt and anger of other people. I take in the worries and negativity of others, Eventually after a while, there are just too many people in here and it starts to drown out the "norman goings on" in my own head. Yes, I will admit that I had been having a "low period". Sorry. I was being selfish and being an absolute asshole. I will be the first to admit that. It's the only way I know how to cope. and deal with everything going on inside this madhouse.  I don't like to reach out simply because I don't know how. And I will apologize again to those who did try to reach out to me. It went unanswered. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I'm not sure which category it fell under, but there you go.  And I DO realize how much this hurt those who are close to me, but I just don't. My sincerest apologies. Please don't judge me. Like I said, it's a lonely road, but I think I am the better for it when I am actually the one who is orchestrating the whole "catharsis" on my own. I mean, isn't that what it's really all about? Being able to come to one's OWN conclusions about one's OWN life on one's OWN? I am not talking about life altering things here, but just the question of one's own existence. What... An existential conversation about one's self WITH one's self? I don't know. It leads me to a place where I seem less than personable. It's dark and cold and weird here. It's clinical and confusing and there are no holds barred here. It's brutal and I am alone. And it brings me to a place that I have to dig myself out of in order to reach that "catharsis", the phoenix moment where I rise up out of the ashes and blah..... Whatever. Don't judge me. Most choose to hide behind the lives they've fabricated for themselves. I'd much rather build from solid foundations and be able to look back on my life and KNOW my reasons for my existence. If you need THAT explained, I'm afraid I can't help you. On the road to where I go, it seems I fear more that I WOULD be understood more than I might NOT be understood. It implies that someone KNOWS what I am going through and quite honestly, I like to believe that I am unique. An individual that cannot be duplicated. Something that is lacking in 99.99999% of the population who seek approval and acceptance. I wouldn't wish my "moments" on another simply because they are MINE to sort out and deal with. And the culmination that gets me to where I end up on my low is gathered from the day to day existence I lead fraught with the life I lead and the issues and moments that I alone have to deal with.

Yeah, I've taken the "online tests" regarding the "depression" thing and it turns out, I may be suffering from certain types of depression. Apparently, there are many different flavors. I happen to fill the gaps of a couple of different flavors myself. Married and marinated into a concoction that suits my palate EXCLUSIVELY! I've always known this about myself, but to have all of the ones I have, actually DEFINED is a bit overwhelming. Yes, I do realize that I may need to have a "professional" discern the specifics, but can someone REALLY be able to tell me HONESTLY, what's going on in MY brain things? No.....  Yes, they can empathize and sympathize and clinically diagnose and analyze, but no one can actually "walk a day in someone else's shoes", as it were. It really comes down to one being able to deal with that shit on their own and determining the steps that need to be taken on one's own. I've been dealing with my te many facets of own issues ALL MY LIFE. I don't care how many degrees in what type of psycho whatever that some person who may or may not have experienced even ONE of the things that I may or may not have gone through, telling me, they understand or that they get it or that they can help me. It boils down to a person who has walked a day in my shoes. And since no one person can EVER say that they have, well, it boils down to FUCK YOU! People are ALWAYS so happy to point out that they are "an individual". That they are "unique" and "gifted" in their own way, but they are also so weak and quick to be able to place their faith into "a professional" telling them what ails them, instead of trying to figure it out for themselves. Duh! And there are those who are VERY happy to point out others' flaws because it makes them feel better about their own issues. I suppose it's another form of denial. The "someone worse off then me. I guess that makes me better even though I have my own plate of shit...." Pfft. So, yeah..... No shit. I went through a bout of depression. Didn't need anyone to tell me that I was. I was there. I didn't need someone to tell me how I can make things better for myself. I had to go out and deal with them on my own.

So, YAY! Welcome to depression. Not the small bouts of depression, but actual DEPRESSION. And come to find, it doesn't make me a terrible person, it doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't diminish who I am. It doesn't affect my grasp of what is right or wrong, it doesn't make me any less a person than any other person. The fact that I can, say out loud, "I HAZ A SAD! I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!" puts me steps above most who can't admit to having a problem in the first place. The fact that I am taking my own brand of steps to come back out and BE again, places me lightyears ahead of those who can't even admit they have even the slightest bit of issues. I have realized and acknowledged that "therapy" can only come from oneself. No one person can actually MAKE you do something, feel something, be something..... It comes from self. Any one person is the only one who can actually control the actions of themselves. It's not as of though I DON'T understand that. I think I have a better grasp of that than most people do. I am the only one who can actually plunge myself deeper into my own self created abyss OR I can try to rectify whatever it is that is "troubling" me and move forward. On the other side of that, I am coming down to the nitty gritty of the things that I have been trying to rectify in my life over that last few years. If you've been following along here for the last 3+ years, I've been through quite a bit. I've let quite a few many things go. For the most part, I have been going along, blogging and sharing significant and poignant moments I've had and even the most random of my thoughts here. I've seen the most amazing things come to fruition, which I have shared here. I have also shared quite a bit of the most lowest periods of my life here as well. But now, I am coming down to the bottom of the barrel issues and how to move forward after dealing with the last of the last. Because at the end of the day, it's usually the toughest issues that are left to be dealt with for last.....

But again, I digress.

So, I began to stew in the negatives in my life. I lingered in my anxieties, anger, depression, serious self reflection, true judgement of myself, deep introspects into the regrets of my life, being faced with the harsh realities that the future holds a certain uncertainty, fears, guilt, hate and my ever favorite, the agonizing question..... WHY? Well, although I feel as if though I may have progressed from the point I was a few years back, I also feel as if I really haven't, despite the efforts I have put in to trying to reach an uncertain goal. So, the result while I waded through the muck? Well..... the result wasn't a very pleasant Mia.

As difficult as it has been for me, I managed to put on a happy face in the public. It's always panned out. I'm pretty sure I got away with it. I don't think that many people even realized that there was anything "wrong". On the outside, I didn't want to have anyone else know that on the inside, I was going through some kind of inner turmoil. Mostly because, I don't like people enough to let them in. It was much easier for me to plaster on on happy face and put forth a positive attitude. I'm "Happy Mia!" "I'm Party Time Mia!" "Everything is GREAT!" Almost everyone was fooled by that facade. Those moments meant nothing to me.  I suffered in silence as I placed the mask upon my face in order to meet the standards of what was expected of me being out and about in the public, among people that I was forced to be around. Liking them or not aside, because it really didn't matter. All honesty? I really didn't care. I was pretty much ambivalent. And again, I don't mean to be abrasive to the people whom I associate with. When I say, "There are VERY few people who know what I went through....." I literally mean it. I can count them on one hand...... That may be missing a finger or two. Really. The fact that I "tried" should speak volumes to those who I have encountered. If I didn't care OR was forced to pretend to care because of certain "social implications of one variety or another", I still put on those flawless airs. I'm betting dollars to donuts who can tell which was which........ I'd be a gojillionaire if others placed the odds....... There are certain behaviors I expect from some. Certain behaviors I expect from others. I've pretty much got them down. I know what I need to be. It amuses me when I stray and catch certain individuals unaware. It's a game I play.

But AGAIN, I digress......

It has been most unfortunate for those who DO know me well enough and know that I go through a low. A REAL low. I mean REALLY LOW. I go back and forth about whether or not I wanted to share to the public that I have lows, but honestly, this blog has been a great outlet for me. So, here I am again, exposing all of my raw and sore spots, knowing full damn well that I will have those who will try and exploit them and use them against me. What doesn't kill me had better start running. Seriously. I doubt that those rooting against me could survive a day in my shoes. I also doubt that they could deal with the repercussions of the aftermath that will come when I come back to "full power". I never said that I wasn't thinking clearly. It is because I AM thinking clearly that I come to these moments. Most to all make that mistake when judging me. It's okay. I'm used to it.

So, what was it like? I mean, going through MY flavor of depression? Well, I sat in my sweats and my "fave shirt" for days at a time, basically stewing in my own filth, unbathed, teeth unbrushed, looking like a hot mess. The only "communicating" I really did was through a series of grunts and snorts that indicated "yes" or "no". I may or may not have slept (mostly not, as insomnia and I are BFFs), I may or may not have eaten (although pizza snacks have been on the menu more often times than not), I may or may not have accomplished anything other than sitting on my ass on the couch watching reruns and marathons of some stupid show or another. I may or may not have had the enthusiasm to do anything other than roll over or shift positions. My major accomplishments may have only been that I pooped on the toilet on any significant day or had the energy to push the button on the remote to change the channel on the TV. I don't expect many of you to understand that type of inactivity. That's okay. The point is, I really didn't give a shit. I mean "Don't give a shit: Level INFINITY!" MY shoes. Walk in them. No, you couldn't. :your mind BLOWN: No, you couldn't. I mean, I play the main character of my own life, right? I get to determine what it is that happens and where the story goes and how the story ends and what the character in "the first person" is going through and thinking and experiencing and touch and feeling..... But, what now?

I've had people ask me why it is that I can't just "buck up and deal" or just get over whatever it is that I am feeling. I should just be happy and feel the joy in the blessings I have been given. I feel it as something that maybe something as insensitive as the, "What's the big deal? Everyone goes through it! Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with you??!?!?" I suppose it is impossible for someone to understand when they don't UNDERSTAND what it's like to go through these kinds of ups and downs or ( I should define as the ups and downs that I go through.)  "Walking a day in the shoes of another" type shit. OCD and ADD conflict and I get to deal with the aftermaths of the battles I go through. I am told by the "professional community" that it happens to be that I have a "super high intelligence" and that this type of "genius" comes with certain side effects, including these super lows. Um..... THAT'S the best you can come up with? And people wonder why I have SERIOUS doubts about the "professionals" who are "equipped" to handle what I am experiencing...... :Tard face:

I have issues. I mean, psychologic, neurotic issues, just like any other person on the face of the planet. I happen to be much more in tune with my "issues" than a good portion of the population,  and I am actually willing to address them, unlike the greater part of the human species. I have admitted to have certain quirks that I have to work on and I have been moving forward to address them. And when I say, "issues", it's not as if though I will suffer from some kind of psychotic break where I'll end up killing myself and a random innocent or end up on some clock tower and go completely Newtown/ Postal or some shit like that. (STILL issues that I will never understand..... I will NEVER understand how a person can get to a point where uninvolved INNOCENT people can be the source of their woes and shit and they can go gunning down children and AGAIN, I am off topic......) I suppose depression is a very difficult thing to have to actually describe to people. It really IS something that one really has to experience and wrap their minds around on their own. Despite the support of those around them, there is something that has to come from the self in order to get passed/ through/ over the "slump" that comes from depression. I'm not talking about the "I feel bad about myself", "Things are shitty in my life....", "I'm feeling sorry for myself because things are shitty in my life!" periods in life. I am talking about crying for no reason, feeling absolutely helpless, sitting in a corner and sobbing for no reason, wanting to sit and dissolve into the couch, hopeless, not wanting to do anything, not caring about anything, not FEELING, not WANTING to FEEL anything because you're feeling TOO MUCH, just wanting oblivion. I mean "oblivion", not the "death" thing, but just not being human and feeling and the emotions and the being DATA (Star Trek: Next Gen.) or Spock about things.

So, what came of my hiatus? Well, I managed to come back, and yeah, DEFINITELY with the help and support of those closest to me. I eventually emerged from the black hole where I had plunged during my chaotic ride on a downward spiral of self loathing. I put down the remote. I got off the couch. I showered. I brushed my teeth. I changed my shirt and pants. I started eating something other than microwaved pizza snacks. I started talking and communicating. And I became more like myself again. I worked through the things that were ailing me, and I started feeling more like myself again. And so, here I am. Was it cathartic? Well, I can't exactly say there was some life altering moment where the clouds parted and the angels sang and a beam of heavenly light shone down upon me and the hand of god reached down and slapped me upside the head or anything. But I guess on some minute scale, something happened and I discarded another shell that I outgrew.

And now I move forward again.