I came to the conclusion long ago that I have to use the coping skills that I know how to use. Yes, I was vulnerable. I was raw. I hit a low and I hurt. NO specific reasons as to why. As I understand it, those with critical and intelligent minds tend to need "introverted moments" in order to reassess EVERYTHING. Even if that super intelligence is something that lives in my own mind. Yeah, I have my own set of individualized handful of issues just like EVERYONE ELSE on the face of the planet. Unlike the solid majority of the rest of the world though, I have recognized, acknowledged, aired out, and publicized my issues because I actually DO want to be a better person and instead of just talking about it, I'm doing it. I can actually admit what my faults are and where I need to make improvements. It sucks. A lot. Coming face to face with my faults is rough. And there is no one more critical of me than myself. Which is probably what makes it all the worse. It's a no holds barred, knock down, drawn out, battle royal of the self. And no matter how hard one tries, it is IMPOSSIBLE to hide from oneself. You can plaster on a facade ten miles thick, you're still trapped there, alone, with yourself. I'd much rather face my demons as they come along and deal with them head on then deal with pretending they don't exist and trying to rationalize them when it becomes way more than overwhelming that I have to add on another ten miles of facade to escape them..... Yes, it brings me to a dark place when I bring myself to a place where most dare not travel within themselves, but I think I end up the better for it in the end, and that's all that matters to me.
It's impossible to explain to those around me, I mean CLOSE people around me what EXACTLY it is that I am experiencing. It's like trying to explain to a "blind from birth" person what the color blue is. Everyone "experiences" the color blue differently. depending on genetics and perception and vision and blah..... It's pretty much "the individual" who "perceives" the concept of what the color blue is. This is FACT people. No one person actually "sees" any one of the infinite shades of a certain color the same way EVER! Wrap your minds around that. Angle, light patterns, the way a single shade, tone, volume, depth, whatever of a SINGLE BLUE, universally and EXACTLY the same all around will STILL be interpreted by all people differently. GAAAAAH SCIENCE!!!!!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!!@ But I digress........
So, I retreated to my corner to lick my wounds. I am only human. Yes, I actually hurt sometimes. It might not be the same way YOU hurt, but I DO actually hurt sometimes. And it's unfortunate, but when I do, no one is unaffected. I think that no one close enough to me doesn't feel the wake of the waves of blah I go through. I take in hurt that is my own. I take in the hurt and anger of other people. I take in the worries and negativity of others, Eventually after a while, there are just too many people in here and it starts to drown out the "norman goings on" in my own head. Yes, I will admit that I had been having a "low period". Sorry. I was being selfish and being an absolute asshole. I will be the first to admit that. It's the only way I know how to cope. and deal with everything going on inside this madhouse. I don't like to reach out simply because I don't know how. And I will apologize again to those who did try to reach out to me. It went unanswered. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I'm not sure which category it fell under, but there you go. And I DO realize how much this hurt those who are close to me, but I just don't. My sincerest apologies. Please don't judge me. Like I said, it's a lonely road, but I think I am the better for it when I am actually the one who is orchestrating the whole "catharsis" on my own. I mean, isn't that what it's really all about? Being able to come to one's OWN conclusions about one's OWN life on one's OWN? I am not talking about life altering things here, but just the question of one's own existence. What... An existential conversation about one's self WITH one's self? I don't know. It leads me to a place where I seem less than personable. It's dark and cold and weird here. It's clinical and confusing and there are no holds barred here. It's brutal and I am alone. And it brings me to a place that I have to dig myself out of in order to reach that "catharsis", the phoenix moment where I rise up out of the ashes and blah..... Whatever. Don't judge me. Most choose to hide behind the lives they've fabricated for themselves. I'd much rather build from solid foundations and be able to look back on my life and KNOW my reasons for my existence. If you need THAT explained, I'm afraid I can't help you. On the road to where I go, it seems I fear more that I WOULD be understood more than I might NOT be understood. It implies that someone KNOWS what I am going through and quite honestly, I like to believe that I am unique. An individual that cannot be duplicated. Something that is lacking in 99.99999% of the population who seek approval and acceptance. I wouldn't wish my "moments" on another simply because they are MINE to sort out and deal with. And the culmination that gets me to where I end up on my low is gathered from the day to day existence I lead fraught with the life I lead and the issues and moments that I alone have to deal with.
Yeah, I've taken the "online tests" regarding the "depression" thing and it turns out, I may be suffering from certain types of depression. Apparently, there are many different flavors. I happen to fill the gaps of a couple of different flavors myself. Married and marinated into a concoction that suits my palate EXCLUSIVELY! I've always known this about myself, but to have all of the ones I have, actually DEFINED is a bit overwhelming. Yes, I do realize that I may need to have a "professional" discern the specifics, but can someone REALLY be able to tell me HONESTLY, what's going on in MY brain things? No..... Yes, they can empathize and sympathize and clinically diagnose and analyze, but no one can actually "walk a day in someone else's shoes", as it were. It really comes down to one being able to deal with that shit on their own and determining the steps that need to be taken on one's own. I've been dealing with my te many facets of own issues ALL MY LIFE. I don't care how many degrees in what type of psycho whatever that some person who may or may not have experienced even ONE of the things that I may or may not have gone through, telling me, they understand or that they get it or that they can help me. It boils down to a person who has walked a day in my shoes. And since no one person can EVER say that they have, well, it boils down to FUCK YOU! People are ALWAYS so happy to point out that they are "an individual". That they are "unique" and "gifted" in their own way, but they are also so weak and quick to be able to place their faith into "a professional" telling them what ails them, instead of trying to figure it out for themselves. Duh! And there are those who are VERY happy to point out others' flaws because it makes them feel better about their own issues. I suppose it's another form of denial. The "someone worse off then me. I guess that makes me better even though I have my own plate of shit...." Pfft. So, yeah..... No shit. I went through a bout of depression. Didn't need anyone to tell me that I was. I was there. I didn't need someone to tell me how I can make things better for myself. I had to go out and deal with them on my own.
So, YAY! Welcome to depression. Not the small bouts of depression, but actual DEPRESSION. And come to find, it doesn't make me a terrible person, it doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't diminish who I am. It doesn't affect my grasp of what is right or wrong, it doesn't make me any less a person than any other person. The fact that I can, say out loud, "I HAZ A SAD! I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!" puts me steps above most who can't admit to having a problem in the first place. The fact that I am taking my own brand of steps to come back out and BE again, places me lightyears ahead of those who can't even admit they have even the slightest bit of issues. I have realized and acknowledged that "therapy" can only come from oneself. No one person can actually MAKE you do something, feel something, be something..... It comes from self. Any one person is the only one who can actually control the actions of themselves. It's not as of though I DON'T understand that. I think I have a better grasp of that than most people do. I am the only one who can actually plunge myself deeper into my own self created abyss OR I can try to rectify whatever it is that is "troubling" me and move forward. On the other side of that, I am coming down to the nitty gritty of the things that I have been trying to rectify in my life over that last few years. If you've been following along here for the last 3+ years, I've been through quite a bit. I've let quite a few many things go. For the most part, I have been going along, blogging and sharing significant and poignant moments I've had and even the most random of my thoughts here. I've seen the most amazing things come to fruition, which I have shared here. I have also shared quite a bit of the most lowest periods of my life here as well. But now, I am coming down to the bottom of the barrel issues and how to move forward after dealing with the last of the last. Because at the end of the day, it's usually the toughest issues that are left to be dealt with for last.....
But again, I digress.
So, I began to stew in the negatives in my life. I lingered in my anxieties, anger, depression, serious self reflection, true judgement of myself, deep introspects into the regrets of my life, being faced with the harsh realities that the future holds a certain uncertainty, fears, guilt, hate and my ever favorite, the agonizing question..... WHY? Well, although I feel as if though I may have progressed from the point I was a few years back, I also feel as if I really haven't, despite the efforts I have put in to trying to reach an uncertain goal. So, the result while I waded through the muck? Well..... the result wasn't a very pleasant Mia.
As difficult as it has been for me, I managed to put on a happy face in the public. It's always panned out. I'm pretty sure I got away with it. I don't think that many people even realized that there was anything "wrong". On the outside, I didn't want to have anyone else know that on the inside, I was going through some kind of inner turmoil. Mostly because, I don't like people enough to let them in. It was much easier for me to plaster on on happy face and put forth a positive attitude. I'm "Happy Mia!" "I'm Party Time Mia!" "Everything is GREAT!" Almost everyone was fooled by that facade. Those moments meant nothing to me. I suffered in silence as I placed the mask upon my face in order to meet the standards of what was expected of me being out and about in the public, among people that I was forced to be around. Liking them or not aside, because it really didn't matter. All honesty? I really didn't care. I was pretty much ambivalent. And again, I don't mean to be abrasive to the people whom I associate with. When I say, "There are VERY few people who know what I went through....." I literally mean it. I can count them on one hand...... That may be missing a finger or two. Really. The fact that I "tried" should speak volumes to those who I have encountered. If I didn't care OR was forced to pretend to care because of certain "social implications of one variety or another", I still put on those flawless airs. I'm betting dollars to donuts who can tell which was which........ I'd be a gojillionaire if others placed the odds....... There are certain behaviors I expect from some. Certain behaviors I expect from others. I've pretty much got them down. I know what I need to be. It amuses me when I stray and catch certain individuals unaware. It's a game I play.
But AGAIN, I digress......
It has been most unfortunate for those who DO know me well enough and know that I go through a low. A REAL low. I mean REALLY LOW. I go back and forth about whether or not I wanted to share to the public that I have lows, but honestly, this blog has been a great outlet for me. So, here I am again, exposing all of my raw and sore spots, knowing full damn well that I will have those who will try and exploit them and use them against me. What doesn't kill me had better start running. Seriously. I doubt that those rooting against me could survive a day in my shoes. I also doubt that they could deal with the repercussions of the aftermath that will come when I come back to "full power". I never said that I wasn't thinking clearly. It is because I AM thinking clearly that I come to these moments. Most to all make that mistake when judging me. It's okay. I'm used to it.
So, what was it like? I mean, going through MY flavor of depression? Well, I sat in my sweats and my "fave shirt" for days at a time, basically stewing in my own filth, unbathed, teeth unbrushed, looking like a hot mess. The only "communicating" I really did was through a series of grunts and snorts that indicated "yes" or "no". I may or may not have slept (mostly not, as insomnia and I are BFFs), I may or may not have eaten (although pizza snacks have been on the menu more often times than not), I may or may not have accomplished anything other than sitting on my ass on the couch watching reruns and marathons of some stupid show or another. I may or may not have had the enthusiasm to do anything other than roll over or shift positions. My major accomplishments may have only been that I pooped on the toilet on any significant day or had the energy to push the button on the remote to change the channel on the TV. I don't expect many of you to understand that type of inactivity. That's okay. The point is, I really didn't give a shit. I mean "Don't give a shit: Level INFINITY!" MY shoes. Walk in them. No, you couldn't. :your mind BLOWN: No, you couldn't. I mean, I play the main character of my own life, right? I get to determine what it is that happens and where the story goes and how the story ends and what the character in "the first person" is going through and thinking and experiencing and touch and feeling..... But, what now?
I've had people ask me why it is that I can't just "buck up and deal" or just get over whatever it is that I am feeling. I should just be happy and feel the joy in the blessings I have been given. I feel it as something that maybe something as insensitive as the, "What's the big deal? Everyone goes through it! Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with you??!?!?" I suppose it is impossible for someone to understand when they don't UNDERSTAND what it's like to go through these kinds of ups and downs or ( I should define as the ups and downs that I go through.) "Walking a day in the shoes of another" type shit. OCD and ADD conflict and I get to deal with the aftermaths of the battles I go through. I am told by the "professional community" that it happens to be that I have a "super high intelligence" and that this type of "genius" comes with certain side effects, including these super lows. Um..... THAT'S the best you can come up with? And people wonder why I have SERIOUS doubts about the "professionals" who are "equipped" to handle what I am experiencing...... :Tard face:
I have issues. I mean, psychologic, neurotic issues, just like any other person on the face of the planet. I happen to be much more in tune with my "issues" than a good portion of the population, and I am actually willing to address them, unlike the greater part of the human species. I have admitted to have certain quirks that I have to work on and I have been moving forward to address them. And when I say, "issues", it's not as if though I will suffer from some kind of psychotic break where I'll end up killing myself and a random innocent or end up on some clock tower and go completely Newtown/ Postal or some shit like that. (STILL issues that I will never understand..... I will NEVER understand how a person can get to a point where uninvolved INNOCENT people can be the source of their woes and shit and they can go gunning down children and AGAIN, I am off topic......) I suppose depression is a very difficult thing to have to actually describe to people. It really IS something that one really has to experience and wrap their minds around on their own. Despite the support of those around them, there is something that has to come from the self in order to get passed/ through/ over the "slump" that comes from depression. I'm not talking about the "I feel bad about myself", "Things are shitty in my life....", "I'm feeling sorry for myself because things are shitty in my life!" periods in life. I am talking about crying for no reason, feeling absolutely helpless, sitting in a corner and sobbing for no reason, wanting to sit and dissolve into the couch, hopeless, not wanting to do anything, not caring about anything, not FEELING, not WANTING to FEEL anything because you're feeling TOO MUCH, just wanting oblivion. I mean "oblivion", not the "death" thing, but just not being human and feeling and the emotions and the being DATA (Star Trek: Next Gen.) or Spock about things.
So, what came of my hiatus? Well, I managed to come back, and yeah, DEFINITELY with the help and support of those closest to me. I eventually emerged from the black hole where I had plunged during my chaotic ride on a downward spiral of self loathing. I put down the remote. I got off the couch. I showered. I brushed my teeth. I changed my shirt and pants. I started eating something other than microwaved pizza snacks. I started talking and communicating. And I became more like myself again. I worked through the things that were ailing me, and I started feeling more like myself again. And so, here I am. Was it cathartic? Well, I can't exactly say there was some life altering moment where the clouds parted and the angels sang and a beam of heavenly light shone down upon me and the hand of god reached down and slapped me upside the head or anything. But I guess on some minute scale, something happened and I discarded another shell that I outgrew.
And now I move forward again.
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