I've travelled along my path of life here and these last few years I've been doing what I can to fix a lot of things in my life as well as in myself because looking in that proverbial mirror, I really didn't like what I saw. I knew what I wanted to see, but the reality fell short.
It was a rather difficult and bitter pill to swallow, but I wasn't about to continue on that way and I certainly wasn't going to let my fake ego determine who and what I was and whether I would or should stay on that path. I wanted to make real changes in my life. I needed to get to a point where I could look in the mirror and see who I am supposed to be, someone I could be proud of and in turn, my kids could be proud of and in order to do that, I needed to take the initial steps to swallow my pride and admit that there were things in my life and things in me that I needed to change and fix. I had to admit that I was wrong where I was wrong and apologize. I had to admit that I was flawed and make changes to fix them. I had to admit that I had many bad habits and bring myself to not do them. But that initial step? I'm not gonna lie to you. Ouch... It fucking hurt.
It must be hard for those who continue to try so hard to hide who they really are in the presence of others. The only problem with that is, you can't exactly hide from yourself when you know exactly who you are and know what it is you're doing wrong, whether it's in your own life, or maliciously doing in others' lives. Then to add to the strain of having to live with yourself knowing that you're a rotten piece of crap, making it worse by acting like you're somebody else. The victim. The hero. The battle worn winner. The innocent bystander....
The simple truth is, it's nothing more than cowardice. Pure and simple. And to add to it, you can pepper in manipulative, malicious, vindictive and deceitful. It's dirty, egomaniacal behavior typical of selfish, self important, narcissistic individuals that think only of themselves and how the world perceives them and caring very little of the people they hurt or what the people around them actually think of them. They live in their own little worlds, concocted of all the facades that they put up that helps shield them from truth. A safe little bubble of self delusion.... where you are trapped with yourself. And when you're trapped with yourself.... Well, there's no hiding from that.
I don't get how I was able to live with myself for so long knowing full damn well I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It made it even worse because I couldn't admit that was the case and I made it worse still by denying it. Then in turn, it made me feel even worse about myself when I actually faced it. Talk about a vicious circle. Sometimes, it is hard for a person to admit fault. It is hard to admit that there are flaws. It is hard to admit that change is needed. All of which is part of that first step. It's the hardest mother fucking step to have to take and most people are too cowardly to take it.
I still have a ways to go, but now I look in the mirror these days and I can actually look at myself and say I like the improvements I'm making in myself and in my life. I'm always going to be an abrasive, potty mouthed, opinionated, loud bitch, but I think those are some of my finer qualities and I'm not getting rid of those. ;)
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