Exes....

It's funny when you're looking back at past relationships and you wonder, "What the FUCK was I thinking??!??" and you wish that when thinking back through the relationship, you could censor certain things or whatever because.... ew. Hindsight truly is 20/20, isn't it. I mean it's really SO clear and you wonder, "How the fuck did it manage to go on that long and why the fuck didn't I do something about it sooner???!???"

In thinking about it though, those past relationships have made you into the person you became. You learn from them: Stuff about yourself, what you expect from a relationship, what you want, what you don't want... Stuff like that. It should be that those failed attempts brings you to exactly what you're looking for, should you not find it the first (or subsequent numbers thereof) time around. Life doesn't come with a rewind button so, it's either going to be that you wallow in some self induced abyss of misery and despair, or you learn a little something and you move forward.

Maybe people settle into a "relationship rut" because that every day becomes the norm. It's the regular, usual, same old, same old. It's stagnant and still. It's predictable and familiar. But it is an absolutely miserable existence, but it's convenient and it becomes the norm. Maybe that's why people start or stay in relationships that are meh because of convenience or boredom or fear of being alone or whatever. I don't know. But always in retrospect, it becomes VERY clear that it wasn't worth the time once you've removed yourself from it and move on.

In learning from the bad, though, something good can come of it. Getting to know yourself better, not just on the outside, but right down to the core, (which quite often times comes when you've hit rock bottom) and it brings about a certain enlightenment and a realization, not only about yourself and the changes that need to be made in your life AND yourself, but in the personal world around you as well. (Or, at least, it should...) Then, when you've finally reached your conclusion, depending on what you've decided to do (whether to wallow in it or grow from it) you continue forward and that forward movement is either going to be steadily upwards or steadily downwards or you end up in that same rut of that same, exact "complacency" which you made the mistake of keeping and brought you about to that place in the first place...

I chose to move forward and up in my relationships and in life. Sure, my life right now is less than ideal, but I think the quality of it is way better. My relationship with Puppy Guts: I am beyond happy. I have finally found all the things I was looking for and a lot of things I wasn't (because I didn't know I wanted it), and found all I wanted in a man as well as in a relationship. I took the time to figure myself out and fix and change things (although the "changing" thing is still ongoing), took the time to figure out what I wanted and the rest came so easily.

So, I guess I'm saying that maybe I should take the time to thank some of my exes for being the opposite of what I wanted..... Nah. Forget it. It's not worth my time.