Lasik.....

I had the LASIK thing done some time back and it was the most AWESOME thing EVER! I used to be as blind as a fucking bat. Super thick stupid glasses.... If I ever dropped them or lost them, I would have to just sit there and call out for someone to help me find them because I wasn't going to be able to. I had contact lenses, but they were such a pain in the ass. They weren't those ones that you could wear for days at a time or the ones that you could throw out and replace every day or whatever. They were the ones that if you accidentally dropped it and lost it or washed it down the sink accidentally, You were fucked and out a couple of hundred bucks. :s

I decided that I wanted LASIK surgery for my birthday one year. Let me give you the skinny... DON'T EVER LISTEN TO THE PROCESS. Plug your ears and "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" your way through that explanation because ew. I think it freaked me out more than anything and it was seriously gross. I'm gonna explain it all in a minute here, but yeah.... It was pretty gross AND I got the whole explanation with pictures too... Ew.... Yeah.... Definitely skip over the doctor explanation of the process.

So, the day of the procedure comes and of course, I have these terrible eyeball related nightmare images in my head and I'm freaking out. The doctor assured me that "Everything will be alright..." Mind you, the last time I heard that from a doctor, I ended up giving birth without an epidural, which is NOT what I wanted, especially after a four day labor. The time before that, a doctor ruptured my appendix with the ultrasound wand and I think I may have torn a vocal cord when he did so.  Great.... Freak me out a little more why don't you. Dick.

So I sat there in the chair and no matter how hard you try, you can't NOT see what the fuck is going on. I mean, you're awake for the process and here you have this guy fucking with your eyeball... Yes, your reaction is to blink, but then he puts this clamp on your eyelids and holds them open. (Ever seen the A Clockwork Orange movie?) He spooged a whole bunch of different drops onto my eye, straps down my head, takes a contraption that looks very similar to a cigar cutter and presses it to my eyeball, cutting away a flap of eyeball skin :shudder: and adjusts some friggin' death ray looking thing at my eye. Great. Then he tells me to hold still and that everything is going to be alright. :s

Ten seconds later, everything is cloudy out of this now totally abused (and in my mind, completely useless) eye and I can't see a fucking thing. I watched him (with my single "good eye"), grab this toothbrush looking thing and proceeds to scrub (I'm assuming, because I couldn't see through the eye he was scrubbing!) my eyeball with it. Things started to clear up. He flipped the little flap of eyeball skin back over my cornea and used a sponge with some other goo on it and painted this other stuff on it. I started seeing fuzzy shapes and fluffy things and thought, this is the way I already saw the world.... Fuck! What a waste of time, money, effort and I am NEVER going to erase the images of what he was doing to my eyeball out of my head. He went on to do the other one.

The whole process from start to finish wasn't more than 15 minutes and I didn't feel a fucking thing. Once he got to the goo painting process on my other eye, he started to pour some other kind of drops into them. One in this side, one in the other. Back and forth, back and forth, all while telling me to blink and keep blinking. (Honestly, at this point I was thinking of those eyeball skin flaps and how I was gonna peel them off by blinking so much....) Fifteen seconds later, things got clearer and clearer and clearer. It didn't stop. It was like I was seeing for the first time.  Amazing.

I was walked out the door and given "post op" instructions and escorted to my ride home. I probably could have driven home myself, but whatever. I could SEE! Just to prove to myself how well it worked, I was looking at and reading tiny little signs way far out in the distance or seeing how far I could read license plates on cars on the ride home... It was AMAZING! I saw EVERYTHING.

I had to wear these stupid clear plastic eye covers over my eyes for a week and the constant spooging of eye drops was annoying, but in the end, it was totally worth it. I suggest LASIK to EVERYONE!!!!!!