My Driver's License....

Most people complain about their license photos, but really? They don't look bad. Although I am convinced that DMV workers take a whole entire class on how to take the worst picture of someone for their I.D.s, most ones I see are really good pictures.

Enter me. I am the least photogenic person on the planet. I've explained it.... I always end up looking pretty "special" in all pictures taken of me. I just don'r take a very good picture. I guess it doesn't help that I am a rather funny looking woman though....

Just when I though it couldn't get any worse, enter my driver's license photo. Although it's very comparable to my passport photo, my driver's license photo is just the epitome of goofy. My lopsided grin in all it's glory, I blinked funny, and I think there's a booger hanging out of my nose... Of course I begged the woman to take another. I pleaded for a redo when I saw it, but she said, "Sorry! It's already processing! NEXT!"

:s I'm telling you... A special class for DMV workers.... Grrr.....

Lasik.....

I had the LASIK thing done some time back and it was the most AWESOME thing EVER! I used to be as blind as a fucking bat. Super thick stupid glasses.... If I ever dropped them or lost them, I would have to just sit there and call out for someone to help me find them because I wasn't going to be able to. I had contact lenses, but they were such a pain in the ass. They weren't those ones that you could wear for days at a time or the ones that you could throw out and replace every day or whatever. They were the ones that if you accidentally dropped it and lost it or washed it down the sink accidentally, You were fucked and out a couple of hundred bucks. :s

I decided that I wanted LASIK surgery for my birthday one year. Let me give you the skinny... DON'T EVER LISTEN TO THE PROCESS. Plug your ears and "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" your way through that explanation because ew. I think it freaked me out more than anything and it was seriously gross. I'm gonna explain it all in a minute here, but yeah.... It was pretty gross AND I got the whole explanation with pictures too... Ew.... Yeah.... Definitely skip over the doctor explanation of the process.

So, the day of the procedure comes and of course, I have these terrible eyeball related nightmare images in my head and I'm freaking out. The doctor assured me that "Everything will be alright..." Mind you, the last time I heard that from a doctor, I ended up giving birth without an epidural, which is NOT what I wanted, especially after a four day labor. The time before that, a doctor ruptured my appendix with the ultrasound wand and I think I may have torn a vocal cord when he did so.  Great.... Freak me out a little more why don't you. Dick.

So I sat there in the chair and no matter how hard you try, you can't NOT see what the fuck is going on. I mean, you're awake for the process and here you have this guy fucking with your eyeball... Yes, your reaction is to blink, but then he puts this clamp on your eyelids and holds them open. (Ever seen the A Clockwork Orange movie?) He spooged a whole bunch of different drops onto my eye, straps down my head, takes a contraption that looks very similar to a cigar cutter and presses it to my eyeball, cutting away a flap of eyeball skin :shudder: and adjusts some friggin' death ray looking thing at my eye. Great. Then he tells me to hold still and that everything is going to be alright. :s

Ten seconds later, everything is cloudy out of this now totally abused (and in my mind, completely useless) eye and I can't see a fucking thing. I watched him (with my single "good eye"), grab this toothbrush looking thing and proceeds to scrub (I'm assuming, because I couldn't see through the eye he was scrubbing!) my eyeball with it. Things started to clear up. He flipped the little flap of eyeball skin back over my cornea and used a sponge with some other goo on it and painted this other stuff on it. I started seeing fuzzy shapes and fluffy things and thought, this is the way I already saw the world.... Fuck! What a waste of time, money, effort and I am NEVER going to erase the images of what he was doing to my eyeball out of my head. He went on to do the other one.

The whole process from start to finish wasn't more than 15 minutes and I didn't feel a fucking thing. Once he got to the goo painting process on my other eye, he started to pour some other kind of drops into them. One in this side, one in the other. Back and forth, back and forth, all while telling me to blink and keep blinking. (Honestly, at this point I was thinking of those eyeball skin flaps and how I was gonna peel them off by blinking so much....) Fifteen seconds later, things got clearer and clearer and clearer. It didn't stop. It was like I was seeing for the first time.  Amazing.

I was walked out the door and given "post op" instructions and escorted to my ride home. I probably could have driven home myself, but whatever. I could SEE! Just to prove to myself how well it worked, I was looking at and reading tiny little signs way far out in the distance or seeing how far I could read license plates on cars on the ride home... It was AMAZING! I saw EVERYTHING.

I had to wear these stupid clear plastic eye covers over my eyes for a week and the constant spooging of eye drops was annoying, but in the end, it was totally worth it. I suggest LASIK to EVERYONE!!!!!!

One of the guys....

I get told by men a lot of the time, that I'm "just like one of the guys". I take that as a compliment. Seriously. That's just cool. But seriously, DUH! I went to the best "school" around! A "dojo" called,  the tow truck shop.

I was vigorously trained by professional guys the proper nomenclature for certain of female anatomy, how to properly chug and shotgun a beer, know the rules of and play proper beer pong, quarters, and drunken lawn darts, know how to properly tap a keg. I learned how to execute the perfect burp and fart, as well as their classifications and rating structure. Although I don't have any, I did learn the importance of a good ball scratching. All the proper uses of the F word. Tits and ass scoring, the head nod greeting, solid handshake, stance, how to sit, how to walk, how to throw a punch in a street fight. The customary etiquette for being at a nudie bar and how to correctly slip a bill into a stripper's g-string and properly following it up by "slappin' that ass". That last one is probably a HUGE reason why we, or at the very least I drank for free at most of those type places...

I was the pet project around the tow shop. I was everybody's favorite "baby brother". It was rather endearing. I was one of the boys. I was groomed to be "one of the guys", which probably worked out well for me considering the fact that my friends are mostly guys and I don't really like having women friends too much because of the drama and catty bullshit. I mean, the greatest GIRLFRIEND type friendship that I had was with a gay man. That was pretty much the closest I got. I fit in very nicely with an all guy crowd because I can be one of the guys. It's a hoot.

It gets interesting when I first get introduced into a guy crowd. They pretend to be all gentlmanly and crap and shit like that. They get all nervous and shift in their seats because they think, "Shit... It's no longer a guy's night out... Well, THAT was a waste of a perfectly good 'permission slip' from the old lady..." So, I start off with the head nod greeting and the proper handshake when introduced. It helps a little. Within ten minutes, I get, "This guy is awesome! I mean... GIRL.... Bah! You know what I mean... Sorry..."

No need to apologize. And yeah, guy. Yeah I do know what you mean. It's totally cool. Awww! Thanks. :)

Art and Crafts.....

I love arts and crafts. No if's, and's or but's. I love coming up with new ideas to do with the kids and I try to have a steady supply of arts and crafts stuff around. There is something so awesome about watching a child's imagination become reality in the things that they make. I just love seeing that! Throwing down a whole bunch of stuff that they can mold or create with or whatever right in front of them and their eyes just light up! No matter what it is too! Glue, paint, crayons, stickers, foamy things, colored paper, tin foil, empty paper rolls, googlie eyes, clay, pom poms, glitter, things that were going to get thrown out anyway, scraps of cloth, pasta... I mean seriously. Whatever! They love that shit!

I've had play dates at the house and my children's little friends would come over and we'd work on a project or something. At the end of the day, when the friend's mom would come to pick them up, here is this child at the door proudly holding up his/ her creation (that may or may not be dry yet... sorry....) Sometimes we get the, "YAY! HOW HAPPY!!!!" from the mom. And other times.... The look of terror, then the weak smile and the "Oh.... How... nice..." while more then likely they are thinking, "You BITCH! Now I'm going to have glitter all on the inside of my car and that paint is going to get everywhere and I'm going to have to put this piece of crap up somewhere in the house...." Their eyes glaze over as their child gleefully explains all the details of their creation and I'm left shaking my head.

You can ALWAYS tell which are the kids who don't get to do arts and crafts at home because they ask, "Are you SURE we should be doing this?" or they out and out say, "Mom doesn't let me do this at home because she says it'll make a mess...." The first time I heard it, I was in shock. Because it'll make a mess? Well.... Duh.... Isn't that, like, a kid's JOB? Why would you deny them arts and fucking crafts? They're KIDS!

So, then I get this clueless mom who says shit like, "Wow! You're pretty brave to be doing stuff like this in the house...." and gives me the look of, "Gee.... thanks..... For ruining the inside of my car and having to hear my kid ask me if WE could do shit like this!"

Depending on my mood.... Nah... No it's not. I always reply the same way and it never really comes across as "too nice".... "Well, the children REALLY enjoy it and I'm not a lazy slouch. Some paper towels and some water, it all cleans up quick and nice.... Besides, memories like this last a lifetime, don't you agree?"

Yeah.... The kids like me, but the moms? Yeah, the moms... Not so much...

So, I had the weirdest dream last night......

I often wonder what my dreams really mean when I wake up and I actually remember them.... I usually don't remember them, but there are times when I think, "It's probably a good thing that I don't remember my dreams..." because the ones I do remember are pretty bizzarre.

I get that dreams are supposed to be your psyche's way of working through and sorting out the shit in your mind, but WOW..... Seriously? I don't know whether or not it would be a such a good idea to have my dreams interpreted, but here goes.

So, I was Godzilla (but uglier...) and I was stomping around New York City (not Tokyo) looking for my pet chinchilla, except it wasn't a chinchilla, it was a cheeseburger. I just called this cheeseburger my chinchilla. Magical fairies were trying to defeat me using the power of Greyskull (am I dating myself here?) and were attempting to call upon it when an alien invasion happened. Since I was the biggest and strongest thing around, instead of trying to destroy me, I was being begged to help them defeat the aliens. I was pretty confused throughout all of this too, because I didn't quite understand why I was Godzilla, I didn't know why I was looking for a chinchilla that was actually a cheeseburger or anything else that was going on. Of course my dream/ psyche brain tried to reason it all out to make the whole thing make sense, but it didn't. And I woke up...

I'm sure that there was more to the dream and maybe my psyche had filled in the blanks a little better in the dream, but I don't remember any of that shit. This is what I did remember and it left me wondering whether it was a good idea that I ate that candy bar before bed and whether that was the reason I had this bizzarre dream. :sigh: I am SO weird.....

Danger! Danger Will Robinson!!!!

What woman hasn't asked her man "Is she prettier than me?" in that tone. You know the one. The combination of the catty but self doubting, "you'd better be careful how you answer this, mother fucker",  "I want some reassurance that you think I'm pretty!", "I just wanted to see if you noticed her...", "TELL ME I'M PRETTY!!!" tone...

Sorry guys, but there really isn't any winning this one. No matter how you answer, it's the wrong answer. Let me break it down:

If you say, "No..." you'll get "Did you even see who I was talking about? It's not like you listen to me anyway... You're such a jerk!"

If you say, "Yes...", well, likely, you will end up with your severed penis in your hand. I would highly suggest NOT going with this answer. Just sayin'......

If you say, "What girl?" and look for whoever she's pointing to so that you seem like you're being attentive to what she's saying, you're gonna get an earful about commitment issues and "Why would you need to see her? Am I not good enough for you?" blah, blah, blah.......

No winning....

For the girls: Ladies! The question shouldn't ever be, "Is she prettier than me?" Nope. Lean forward, get a real good eyeful, I mean REALLY ogle the shit out of that bitch, nudge your man a little and say, "Djyu see the fuckin' tits (or ass or legs or whatever) on THAT piece? NICE!" Your dude is gonna think, "HOT DAMN! This one is a fuckin' KEEPER!" and give you a squeeze and announce to the world, "This is  MY girl!" He'll forget all about that other bitch.

Conclusion: Girls are complicated, and boys are icky and stupid. :)

Full Moon Fever........

I don't really know whether it's just an old wives tale or what, but even according to some nightshift cops, the full moon does bring out the kooks. I don't know whether it is a subconscious thing, that, because we've always heard that the full moon brings out the kooks, that the kooks come out or if there really is some credence to the fact that maybe the phases of the moon DOES in fact affect behavior, but I do come to wonder about it sometimes...

What is it about the aura of mystery or the weird allure of the full moon that makes it so mystical and whatnot? I mean here is this bright shining orb in the night sky and it's creepy and eerie, but pretty and sexy at the same time. I've often sat and looked up into the night sky and wondered what the hell else was up there. With the A.D.D. going on, I always got distracted by the bright, shiny thing in the sky and ended up sitting there open mouthed and grinning stupidly at it before thinking about cats and soccer and HEY LOOK! A MOTH! GAAAK! I swallowed it! :cough, cough, gag:

So much is associated with the cycles of the moon, and phases of the moon, a full moon and all that kind of stuff, it makes me wonder if there really is some truth to some, most or all of it. (Well, maybe not all...) I mean, it supposedly affects everything from the Earth's gravity to our moods and all that other crazy shit that goes on. I mean come on.... Who doesn't think "werewolf" when they hear the words "full moon"? Alright.... I'll admit it, I also think of people dropping trou and flashing their bare asses to strangers for shits and giggles...

I suppose one day I could try and do a little research of my own and chart out the phases of the moon and gauge my children's behaviors according to the different lunar moments. I mean I have a diverse enough bunch, all with VERY different personalities and there might actually be some reward to this. I mean think about it.... If I knew how my children were gonna be like beforehand, it would probably save me a lot of grief..... Hmm...... Stay tuned.... To the interwebz!

Exes....

It's funny when you're looking back at past relationships and you wonder, "What the FUCK was I thinking??!??" and you wish that when thinking back through the relationship, you could censor certain things or whatever because.... ew. Hindsight truly is 20/20, isn't it. I mean it's really SO clear and you wonder, "How the fuck did it manage to go on that long and why the fuck didn't I do something about it sooner???!???"

In thinking about it though, those past relationships have made you into the person you became. You learn from them: Stuff about yourself, what you expect from a relationship, what you want, what you don't want... Stuff like that. It should be that those failed attempts brings you to exactly what you're looking for, should you not find it the first (or subsequent numbers thereof) time around. Life doesn't come with a rewind button so, it's either going to be that you wallow in some self induced abyss of misery and despair, or you learn a little something and you move forward.

Maybe people settle into a "relationship rut" because that every day becomes the norm. It's the regular, usual, same old, same old. It's stagnant and still. It's predictable and familiar. But it is an absolutely miserable existence, but it's convenient and it becomes the norm. Maybe that's why people start or stay in relationships that are meh because of convenience or boredom or fear of being alone or whatever. I don't know. But always in retrospect, it becomes VERY clear that it wasn't worth the time once you've removed yourself from it and move on.

In learning from the bad, though, something good can come of it. Getting to know yourself better, not just on the outside, but right down to the core, (which quite often times comes when you've hit rock bottom) and it brings about a certain enlightenment and a realization, not only about yourself and the changes that need to be made in your life AND yourself, but in the personal world around you as well. (Or, at least, it should...) Then, when you've finally reached your conclusion, depending on what you've decided to do (whether to wallow in it or grow from it) you continue forward and that forward movement is either going to be steadily upwards or steadily downwards or you end up in that same rut of that same, exact "complacency" which you made the mistake of keeping and brought you about to that place in the first place...

I chose to move forward and up in my relationships and in life. Sure, my life right now is less than ideal, but I think the quality of it is way better. My relationship with Puppy Guts: I am beyond happy. I have finally found all the things I was looking for and a lot of things I wasn't (because I didn't know I wanted it), and found all I wanted in a man as well as in a relationship. I took the time to figure myself out and fix and change things (although the "changing" thing is still ongoing), took the time to figure out what I wanted and the rest came so easily.

So, I guess I'm saying that maybe I should take the time to thank some of my exes for being the opposite of what I wanted..... Nah. Forget it. It's not worth my time.

Butt Cheek Sneak.....

Have you ever smelled a fart that was so bad that it peeled off several layers of your skin, made your eyes red and start to tear and want to explode, made you see the image of Jesus playing poker with Buddha and Kali on a potato chip, made some of your hair fall out, probably shortened your life by at least three to five years, burned the hair out of your nose, made you throw up a little in your mouth, instantly killed and dropped some birds out of the sky around your house, made the neighbors call 9-1-1 thinking it was probably an act of terrorism, removed the wall paper from the walls inside the houses in a four block radius from where you are, cracked the glass in all of the picture frames around the house and made the images disappear, killed all the house plants, made the haz-mat team assemble outside your home, offended the sensibilities of proper people.... in ENGLAND, made the grass outside turn brown and die and made that soil completely barren and uninhabitable for plant life FOREVER in a one mile radius, created a visible and almost tangible haze that hung in the air like a warm, wet, rotting corpse on a hot, humid summer day, and the fumes alone will probably have caused birth defects and mutations in your general neighborhood for generations to come....

... Then you blamed someone else for it and thought, "Oh yeah! That was AWESOME!!!!!"

Guilty.

When "Nice" Doesn't work....

I tried not to be such an abrasive, foul mouthed, bitch, but it was like, the worst five fucking seconds of my fucking life! In all seriousness though, I do my best to try, these days, to be nicer, more polite, when having to deal with shit heads, douche wads, assholes and cock suckers. It doesn't always work.

There are times when diplomacy seriously doesn't work with these people simply because it's not a language that they understand or even speak. It's part of what makes them shit heads, douche wads, assholes and cock suckers. No matter though. I know how to play their game and I am quite fluent in their language too.

It's not that I revel in having to act like a gigantic fucking bitch, but sometimes it's necessary, whether it's to get a point across firmly, to be heard or to let someone know that you fucking mean business and you won't be taking any of their fucking shit. You can't necessarily just take a firm hand and hope that it works. Sometimes, to get the point across, it has to be that non-literal solid elbow to the nose, followed by a knee to the sciatic nerve and hard shove into oncoming traffic. There's no diplomacy in that, but it has to be swift, to the point and understood by those who don't get, speak or understand reason and logic. The verbal six pack of WHOOP ASS.

Think about how one deals with a bully or group of bullies. Generally, they are a bunch of spineless sissies who have poor self esteem and are suffering from more neuroses and complexes than your average Jewish mother. Now, if you were to take down the bigger or biggest of the mother fuckers, generally the rest scatter and they'll leave you alone. If they DON'T scatter, you hold your ground and bring it right the fuck over the top. Take down the next biggest mother fucker. Diplomacy went right the fuck out the window when you landed your shot in the first one's nose. Why the fuck stop there?

It's the same thing in life. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Most of the time, the asshole you're dealing with knows the difference, but is just trying to convince you that it is otherwise to feel better about what they're doing, somehow justifying their actions. Maybe it's just because they think you're an idiot. Maybe it's because they're just a bigger asshole than you thought. Maybe it's all of that. "Nice" isn't going to work. They've already reasoned it out in their heads, made excuses for their behavior and anything less than a hardcore jolt back into reality is going to be useless. And if that doesn't work, you can always call a lawyer. I call and talk to mine every day. I guess it helps that he's also my best friend....

Looking in the mirror.....

Looking into the mirror and what do you see? I'm not talking about an actual mirror or the image or reflection of yourself looking back at you. I am talking about that proverbial mirror and that true and complete self introspective look about who and what you really are and know yourself to be.

I've travelled along my path of life here and these last few years I've been doing what I can to fix a lot of things in my life as well as in myself because looking in that proverbial mirror, I really didn't like what I saw. I knew what I wanted to see, but the reality fell short.

It was a rather difficult and bitter pill to swallow, but I wasn't about to continue on that way and I certainly wasn't going to let my fake ego determine who and what I was and whether I would or should stay on that path. I wanted to make real changes in my life. I needed to get to a point where I could look in the mirror and see who I am supposed to be, someone I could be proud of and in turn, my kids could be proud of and in order to do that, I needed to take the initial steps to swallow my pride and admit that there were things in my life and things in me that I needed to change and fix. I had to admit that I was wrong where I was wrong and apologize. I had to admit that I was flawed and make changes to fix them. I had to admit that I had many bad habits and bring myself to not do them. But that initial step? I'm not gonna lie to you. Ouch... It fucking hurt.

It must be hard for those who continue to try so hard to hide who they really are in the presence of others. The only problem with that is, you can't exactly hide from yourself when you know exactly who you are and know what it is you're doing wrong, whether it's in your own life, or maliciously doing in others' lives. Then to add to the strain of having to live with yourself knowing that you're a rotten piece of crap, making it worse by acting like you're somebody else. The victim. The hero. The battle worn winner. The innocent bystander....

The simple truth is, it's nothing more than cowardice. Pure and simple. And to add to it, you can pepper in manipulative, malicious, vindictive and deceitful. It's dirty, egomaniacal behavior typical of selfish, self important, narcissistic individuals that think only of themselves and how the world perceives them and caring very little of the people they hurt or what the people around them actually think of them. They live in their own little worlds, concocted of all the facades that they put up that helps shield them from truth. A safe little bubble of self delusion.... where you are trapped with yourself. And when you're trapped with yourself.... Well, there's no hiding from that.

I don't get how I was able to live with myself for so long knowing full damn well I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It made it even worse because I couldn't admit that was the case and I made it worse still by denying it. Then in turn, it made me feel even worse about myself when I actually faced it. Talk about a vicious circle. Sometimes, it is hard for a person to admit fault. It is hard to admit that there are flaws. It is hard to admit that change is needed. All of which is part of that first step. It's the hardest mother fucking step to have to take and most people are too cowardly to take it.

I still have a ways to go, but now I look in the mirror these days and I can actually look at myself and say I like the improvements I'm making in myself and in my life. I'm always going to be an abrasive, potty mouthed, opinionated, loud bitch, but I think those are some of my finer qualities and I'm not getting rid of those. ;)

My Puppy Guts.....

My Dearest Puppy Guts is my sanctuary. Being at home with him gives me a sense of peace regardless of what's going on around us. Whether it be tackling an adventure involving all six of our children, or spending quality time alone, just the two of us, there is something to be said for wanting to spend every moment savoring the time spent with someone.

There used to be a time when I couldn't wait for certain people in my life to leave and I'd feel relieved when they finally went somewhere else. Then when they came back, I almost got depressed. And when they were around, I was doing everything I could to avoid said person at all cost. How sad an existence is that? And now here I am and I love spending the time with my Puppy Guts and I enjoy every second and lament it when the time is gone. :sigh: I love this feeling of bliss.

My Less Than "Personable" Mug.....

I usually wear quite a puss on my mug that may seem less than friendly and approachable. It's not that I'm a completely unapproachable person, it's just that most of the time, I really can't be bothered with most people. I have "resting bitch face".

I've tried to explain in so many different posts how much people really and truly disappoint and piss me off. People are petty and selfish and self centered and just downright rotten. I don't need the approval of most people, especially because I really don't give a shit about their opinions of me anyway and I really believe that those who DO matter to me, have already accepted me for who I am and love me BECAUSE of who I am and not DESPITE of.

It's not that I am completely and totally antisocial either. I can get along with people just fine. It's just that most of the time, I just don't want to. I'm so tired of having to "play nice" with a bunch of useless tits that I really want nothing to do with. If we start off right from the get go, "I don't like you, you don't have to like me. We can be civil. Let's just go on about our own merry little ways..." and be done with it, life would be simple, no? Why should I have to pretend that something is otherwise? Why should someone else? I mean, sure. Occasionally, I'll have to. I can't constantly be stomping around and not making nice. I get it.

It's surprising to me though, now that I've started doing this a lot more often, how "charming" and "cool" people find me.... :s Wasn't my intention.....Really.  I need to go back into my corner and reevaluate this.... I don't think they quite got that I didn't want to be their friend and that I don't want them to try harder to get me to like them because it's not going to happen.... It might be that I have to work on my "less than personable mug" again. Damn.... I thought I had it perfected too....

Kids and Playtime.....

I love watching kids play. It seems that their imaginations are boundless and it's rather cool to see them "living out" whatever it is that they're playing. The story lines that they come up with and as they go along, they fill in the plot and flesh things out.... It's really rather amazing.

I try not to make it look like I'm listening in because I think I'd end up making them all paranoid and the creative juices would stop flowing as freely, but I try to listen as much as I can. And I write a lot of it down.... I've been doing it for years. In fact, the books (one published, the other two are currently getting there eventually....) are all stories that I had written down from their many "adventures". Yup.... A little trivia there for you...

Yeah.... There's no limit to the things one can imagine and I think that a hyperactive imagination is such an asset, especially for children. It is an asset that should be nurtured and encouraged. I think that's what the problem with today's youth is. They're usually plugged into some stupid video game or iSomthing or another or watching some fucktarded cartoon or show. They aren't really given or taking the time to use their own imaginations to come up with new things and playing. Their imaginations are just being sucked out of them via electronic gadgets and doodads. And there aren't too many people who are paying attention enough and seeing that. WAKE UP PARENTS!!!!!!!

What we are engineering here, by allowing our kids to plug into their electronics and hindering their imaginations, is the next generation of mindless sheep. Easy to manipulate, easy to control, easy to rule over.... At the rate things are going, as we breed more stupidity and unimaginative non-innovators, we are spiraling downwards and we are going to be looking at some really dark times here. Something as simple as letting the kids PLAY and run around and imagine things and create things and let them be creative can help kids to be more fulfilled people.

It may be surprising to some people, but kids actually DO learn a lot from "free play". They learn about compassion, they learn about themselves, they learn about how to use their surroundings. They learn about how they can get along in life.... Imagine a wild lion cub playing with his father's tail. It may look all cute and stuff as the cub pounces on dad's tail, but the reality is, that cub is learning the basics to becoming what will be his full potential as a hunter and predator. "Pretend play", as it were. It's not too different from what children are doing when they are pretending and imagining and creating and playing. Shaping them to become the full potentials of what they will become.

It's high time we take back our children from the lures of electronic doodads and doo hickies and get them playing for real. Seriously. Their futures depend on it.

Distracted.....

It's no secret that I have attentional issues.... It follows me wherever I go, no matter what I'm doing. But it is especially true when I'm talking on the phone. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone. You know... It's all whatever.

I mean, it's bad enough that I've got attentional issues and all, but probably 90% of the time, when I'm talking on the phone, I'm also doing something else. Which leads to my only getting part of the conversation, me repeating myself a lot, a lot of inane babbling, and long pauses. It's pretty awesome.

I can handle short phone conversations and stuff and if it's something important, I write the shit down. I have to. If I don't, I remember nothing. I'm one of those people that has to write everything down.Whatever. So, during longer conversations on the phone, once the attention leaves and I'm distracted by something else, I'm basically in auto pilot and I am NOT absorbing ANY of the conversation any more. If you stop hearing the pen scritch scritching on a piece of paper or I'm responding with the "Uh-huh.... No, yeah, I'm here..... Uh-huh..... " while I throw in random questions here and there that may or may not have anything to do with the topic at hand, I'm no longer a part of that conversation.

Puppy Guts knows this all too well about me and can sense the moment I've "left the building". It's kind of awesome having someone who knows me well. But he also knows how to steer me back into the conversation because he knows that I was gone, which is also made of awesome because it shows he REALLY know me well. See? I'm doing it again as I type up this post and he felt the disturbance in the force and he's steering me back into the conversation with him on the phon........

Immaturity......

I guess I can consider myself a little immature. I mean, yes, I'm grown and stuff, but that's not to say I still don't laugh at stupid jokes and potty humor, I find cartoons to be amusing, I play with toys and video games, I make funny faces at people behind their backs, although I do not mock people and make fun of them. I merely repeat what they're saying and emphasize their words with pure stupidity. But, honestly? What is "immaturity"? The way I see it, it's just a word boring people use to describe awesome and fun people.... 

There are plenty of people who will look down their noses at me for being the way I am and quite honestly, that's fine by me. Regardless of anything, I get things done. Whatever needs doing gets done and done well and on time or early. It's called BEING RESPONSIBLE. One of the basic things you kinda need to do to be considered grown... It's not "make an excuse or put it off for later because the rules can't possibly apply to me or whatever anyway! I can always blame someone else because it's not my fault. It couldn't possibly be..." Shut the fuck up and get the shit done.

 I try to go out of my way to help people, whether they are deserving of it or not. And in the cases where it's "not", regardless of whether it's because they're fucking stupid, think they deserve the treatment because of some entitlement complex or just have their heads rammed so far up their own asses that they just don't see it, I rarely get thanked, if ever. If I was truly as childish as some people claim, I wouldn't be as helpful and to top it off, I'd probably tell them to go blow a goat. 

I've seen some who calls themselves "mature" or "refined" be downright malicious and "high school drama" and yet, I'M the one who's immature..... Pfft. Whatever. Aaaack! At least I know the difference between right and wrong, I make apologies when I need to and I get what needs to be done, DONE. Done right, done well, and done on time. 

Judge me, don't judge me. It really doesn't bother me too much. I am going to continue doing what I do and going about being who it is that I am. I'm tired of putting on "the public face" and pretending to be someone else because that was what I was told I needed to be. I am tired of seeing it on a lot of the people everywhere around me. I've come to realize who I am, and flawed, to be sure, instead of trying to mask these flaws over, I've taken steps to fix them, unlike far too many I've seen who worry far too much about what others think. It's a more liberating process to let the facade fall and actually fix problems. But, some will never see that. What a shame....

In the meantime, I'll keep my "immaturity" thanks. 

Shit happens.....

When shit happens, it happens. Whether you want to look at it from the "cosmic" aspect and say, "it was meant to happen" or "it happens for a reason" or whatever, or if you want to look at it from the other perspective of, a series of unrelated events that together brought about the occurrence of some unfortunate happenstance or maybe perhaps it was "karma" and you deserved it.
And the shit that happens in one's own life..... Do you stand around and whine about it in the hopes that someone else will do something about it for you or are you going to get up off your sorry ass and do something for yourself.....
It's not that I wish bad things to happen to people and when they do happen, I do kinda feel bad (unless it's TRULY stupidity related like getting arrested for drunk driving and losing your license.....). And, when shit does happen to someone, whether they're  decent enough or an absolute, miserable douchewad I think that it is those times that it's most important to step in and try to help or do SOMETHING, regardless of who it is that it's happened to. It's called 'compassion' and I believe it to be a key ingredient to what a person's character should be comprised of. I'm not saying douchewad as in murderer or rapist or puppy kicking, baby toucher. Take my dad for instance. He's a miserable, cranky, ornery, vicious old coot, but if he fell and broke his leg, I'd lean towards calling 9-1-1.
I guess sometimes in life, it's hard to dig deep and find compassion for those we hardly know or know and don't like too much. I suppose it's easy for some to be able to not care or even be downright malicious to nameless, faceless people. It shows the true natures that belie the outside personas that these people front and try to pass off as "who they really are", when the reality falls very short from the saintly, wonderful people they portray themselves to be. Living behind a facade must be difficult and I pity people like that. It's actually pathetic.
But regardless of how I may feel, it's not like I would wish shit to happen to people even though they REALLY might be deserving of it. It really doesn't matter who you are or what type of person, shit happens, merited or not. The measure of a person really comes when one is able to stand up and hold out a hand and come to the aid of those whose shit has hit the fan, regardless of the personal feelings. It's a shame that most people wouldn't understand that and would never do it and still see themselves as "good people", still willing to kick a man when he's down instead of finding an ounce of compassion and coming to their aid.
I don't hold much faith for the human race. It's rather sad to say, but it's true. The only thing I can do is surround myself with the very few like minded souls and teach my children to be truly good people in the hopes that they will seek out like minded individuals themselves to hang out with and carry on by teaching their own children what it means to be "human". Yeah, shit happens. I know what I'M going to do about it. Whether it's in my own life where I will pick myself up and continue forward or in someone else's life where I will lend a hand in any way I am capable, I will make my attempts to lead by example. Will I succeed every time? Likely not, but I will try like hell....

What is beauty, anyway....

What is it with this need for perfection with people? And by whose definition do we have to judge what "beautiful" is? Our children are constantly being bombarded with ads on billboards, magazines, television, posters, all over and everywhere about what the "ideal", perfect whatever is and quite honestly, they are unrealistic..... Quite honestly, they're kinda creepy looking.
I don't know if there really IS such a thing as to what "perfection" is, beauty being within the eye of the beholder and all. Take, for example"  Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox. Some people believe them to be absolutely GORGEOUS. Me? I think they are rather ..."special" looking..... I don't find them to be remotely attractive. Same with Brad Pitt and that other "famous guy" who's name escapes me right now. Meh.... But then on the other side of that, I have a self proclaimed "funny looking guy" whom I find to be most attractive and whom I adore. Funny how that all works out.
But it continues to be that we have to be constantly harassed by advertisements telling us what "ideal and perfect" is and determining the impossible standards, which we should go out and achieve even if it kills us..... But, of course, my being one who has to question everything, I ask, "Why the hell should I have to?" I think that the ideal is to be teaching people to be comfortable in their own skin and liking themselves for who they are. I think that's what one of the big problems with people. Yes. It's something THAT petty. A piss poor self image leads to a person being miserable, therefore EVERYONE else around them should be miserable too and they go about and make sure that they make everyone miserable. Whether it's the way they look or the way they are, they don't like who they are and instead of pinpointing the faults within themselves and trying to fix or accept them, they lash out. If you think about it, most people are malicious piece of crap simply because they are miserable in their own lives for whatever reason and are self righteous douchewads thinking that they have the right to drag others down into their eternal pit of misery as well. Think of bullies and their motivations...... They're very similar.
We need to be encouraging positive self image to our children and not feeding their negative self image by showing them that there really IS no standard to measure perfection.
I suppose my ideas here are a bit idealistic and naive and I also suppose that miserable, self righteous pieces of shit will always remain miserable, self righteous pieces of shit, simply because it's impossible to outwardly admit any kind of wrong doing on their part..... The best I can do is leave them to rot in their pit of despair as they fester and infect everything else in their own miserable lives. Not on MY time, not in MY house and certainly not at MY expense. I've got better ways to deal with THAT kind of shit now.
Getting back to point here: I'm tired of having what "perfection" is determined for me. I'm tired of being told what I should be, who I should be, what I should look like..... I like the fact that I have my own "unique" look. I LOVE the fact that I am loved for who I am by those who matter most. I don't need the acceptance of the petty majority anyway. I don't need to put up a front and be someone I'm not simply to please those I really couldn't give a shit about anyway. It should never be about, "God forbid if they knew the real me!" It should be, this is who I am. Love it or leave it, but don't tread on me.

Grr......

The conversations sometime start off the same way.
Me: What did you do?
Child: I don't wanna say because you're gonna get mad....
Me: I'm gonna get mad if you DON'T tell me right now...
Child: Promise not to get mad?
Me: .......Maybe......
Child: I accidentally launched three potatoes into the back window of your car.....
Me: WHAT??!??
Child: You said you wouldn't be mad! You LIED!!!
And I become the bad guy..... :sigh:

Ew.... What is that smell?

"What is that smell?" is a game we play here because I have four children who forget that they put things in places. A cup of something left under the bed, a half eaten something else left in a backpack pocket, a wet article of clothing that didn't make it to the hamper..... Ugh!

Ahhh, yes. Summertime and the "What's that smell...." game. It's not like you really want to find what it is you're looking for, but at the same time, you can't leave whatever is emitting that foul odor where it is... I have to say that one of the worst ones was a half eaten ham and cheese sandwich with mayo that was left in a plastic bag to rot and fester under the back seat of the car.... in the summer.... I swear on all things holy, the thing growled at me and tried to bite me....

Zombie apocalypse......

My theory that the world is going to end via zombie apocalypse isn't completely one that others don't agree with. In other words, with all the theories going around as to how the world is going to end, there is a strong belief that zombies might be a feasible answer. I mean, granted, there is always fear of there being a WW3 and bombs and bioweapons and storms and volcanos and earthquakes and Revelations types of craziness.....
But it all really leads back to the same thing..... Zombies.... With all the types of bioweapons that can be used, add to that nuclear holocaust, strange Earth/ nature thingies and it just seems like the perfect storm for zombie creation. Those who survive have to be uber careful and crap and survival is going to be difficult at best.... Eventually, the survivors die off too and the zombies eventually turn to dust. Done. End of the world. God's failed experiment. I wonder what we'll all come back as next go around.... I hope it's otters. They're so cute and seem to have so much fun!

Grammar.....

Grammar isn't one of my strong suits. Hell, stringing together words to form coherent sentences isn't a strong suit of mine either. Neither is vocabulary, proper conjugations of verbs, sentence structure,  properly articulating thoughts adequately, conveying what it is that I'm trying to get across without losing the meaning of what I'm trying to say. Nouning verbs and verbing nouns? Fuggedaboutit!  And symantics? Ugh..... I am also VERY guilty of making up my own words. But somehow, I manage to get across in some basic and screwed up way what it is that I'm trying to say. Those closest to me actually understand my Mia-nese and what's scarier still is that my language is catching on. I now have people actually USING words like "dippy stuff", "nom-ostiy of the nommy nom nom", "the dooj", "funnest" among others. It's actually kind of crazy! I'm all sorts of unvocabularizing people with my really good -ness! Let the funness continue! Yup..... Puppy Guts' mom is cringing right now and her eye is SO twitching and she doesn't even know why.......

BUSTED!!!!!

If only some things in life were easy... I hate having to explain the many reasons why a person is SO caught and yet they continue to deny their wrong doings..... I'd have so much more respect for a person if they just fessed up and said, "Yup.... Fine. I'm sorry." I think it would show more backbone and character if they admitted it and we could all move on. But no. We live in a time where the blame is to be deflected and excuses made and explanations for all the reasons why it ISN'T their fault has to be sorted through and it saddens me. I think it would be so much easier to admit guilt where there is guilt and move along.
Have we as a society slipped down so far that this simple act of admitting wrong doing and apologizing is so difficult now a days? Well, the answer is very simple really as I have seen it more often times than not. We have....
Even on the larger scale, we have people committing atrocious crimes, killing each other, killing their own children and they're being set free. It's not, "Sorry, I was wrong..." it's "It's not my fault because....." and go on listing all the excuses (let's face it, that's what they REALLY are) as to why it can't be their fault. Even something as stupid as accidentally bumping into someone at the grocery store. It's no longer an "Excuse me", but some long ass diatribe about how everyone else around them was at fault.... Pathetic.
It scares me what this world is coming to and how very few people see that it's becoming something terrible..... Slippery slope.... and down the chute we go.

Bug splat....

I'm not sure why it is that when squishing bugs, some people find the need to use the maximum amount of force and velocity to whack it. I mean, you get bug guts everywhere and the splatter that ends up needing to be cleaned up is beyond icky and takes so much more effort than if you had just left the damn thing alone.
My son has taken off his gigantic size 10 shoe to smack a bug and I have to tell you, he didn't just kill it, he liquified it.
Puppy Guts has done the same sort of thing. His mostly involves the squishing of spiders..... As long as they're not facing him, lest they super jump at him and attack him and they aren't too big and..... Never mind. I'll vanquish that little guy, I mean, big mean nasty spider for you, Puppy Guts! It'll be okay. Please stop crying.....

OUR Constitution and OUR Bill of Rights......

How quickly we have fallen down the slippery slope. Having those elected into power determining what's good for us.... And we complain that they have too much control. Here we are, supposedly living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, but in looking around, what I see is frightening. Is it wrong that I really don't see our country as the great nation I once used to think it was? (It's not that I'm any less patriotic, I am a proud American and despite my Japanese-y ness, I bleed red white and blue. I just happen to be of Japanese descent.)
I mean, what the fuck is going on??!?? I mean not just a little. I really hate to think that Americans as a whole have been dumbed down so much that even though our very God given right, rights which this country of our were founded on, are being stripped away from the American people little by little and we're basically "allowing" it to happen. What's scarier is that most people are completely unaware that this is happening.
The next generation is being turned into a bunch of mindless unquestioning clones (as the school curriculums have changed quite a bit over the years and continue to change. "The man" is omitting VERY important pieces of American history and "tweaking" the course of events as not to offend certain cultures.... What's it called now? Common Core? Oh yeah. It's that bad...) and what's worse, a majority of the American people aren't seeing that either. Everything has been dumbed down to the lowest common denominator so as not to "leave any child behind". Instead of helping those underachieving children catch up to where the rest of the kids are and need to be, we instead have dumbed down the ENTIRE curriculum...... Get this. Math isn't just about 1+1=2 any more. There's supposedly a "process" and as long as the child has the "process" correct, then 1+1 could equal 3 and it would still be right.... Math is math is math is math. No matter where you go, no matter what language you speak, math is constant. 1+1=2. That's it. It's not a matter of "hurting a child's feelings and not wanting to destroy their self esteem". Wrong is wrong. The end.
So now, in the meantime, other countries around us are laughing in our general direction as we cater to the stupid and inept. We nurture imperfection and the mediocre. We support the weak minded simpletons. Watching, as we create our destruction and downfall. A destruction and downfall that is happening from the inside and all they need to do is watch and giggle and be ready to pounce when the dust settles and then fight over the scraps that will be left of us, as we will be unable to do anything but watch.

What's going on in our country disgraces us. We are once again a country divided. I'm not talking sibling spat kind of divided. I am talking about the deep, down to the bone divisions that start rending a whole to pieces. And with the battle lines drawn and both sides staring down their noses at the other, the "powers that be" are having a field day turning the country upside down, making the country its piggy bank, shaping it to suit their own needs right behind our backs and the only thing the people are doing is blaming the other side for what's going on. WAKE UP!
How much further do we really have to fall before everyone is going to realize what's going on?
And still, in the meantime, we have people occupying wherever, sitting around on their asses, holding up signs and waiting around for someone else to step in to make things all better. And, of course these "occupiers" are truly thinking that they're making some kind of difference, when, really? Their "movement" has become nothing short of a joke.
I'm really not too sure what they were hoping to accomplish anyway. This country wasn't exactly founded by sitting around holding signs. It was founded with blood, sweat and tears, fought for and died for before change occurred and stuff happened. This country was made great by men and women who stood up and actually DID something. Saw a wrong and did what they could to correct it by getting up and out and making the changes that they wanted to see. And here we are with thousands of people, all the fuck over the place, sitting around for hope and expecting change and nothing is getting done. Well, duh! Didn't we already learn a valuable lesson about that hope-y/ change-y shit? Especially when these whiners are basically asking the very same people who created the problems in the first place to fix the problems that they're whining about. Yeah, right... Sure..... Silly morons....
The very powers or those with the power are loving what's become of the country because we've become misinformed sheep who are easy to lead because Americans have been made to be mindless drones doing all of the work.
The very systems that were originally put in to place with the very best of intentions have been turned inside out, and upside down to suit the needs of the powerful. Mind you, we the people, allowed for all these changes to occur over time..... With new laws and changes that had to be made because some self righteous ass decided that something wasn't going his way therefore was unfair, so he called a lawyer and sued.... And won....  Or some elected official didn't like something and had a vote to get things amended. These systems then started to change into something very different over the course of time, over frivolous shit and still, "we the people" didn't question it. So NOW we're surprised that we don't like what it's all become? I mean really.... To want frivolous changes because it's "unconstitutional" and making changes to the very thing that outlines our rights as American citizens..... Huh?
I am not politically educated. I have no idea as to what's going on with every detail of all the crap and changes and laws and whatnot. I don't get into politics or into political discussions because I don't know enough about politics to have an intelligent conversation with someone about it. But what I do see is that if the majority of the people are not seeing the very obvious that even someone like myself is seeing. We have bigger issues here... I'm kind of scared......

Toy ads.....

If you've ever watched a small child watching tv when the commercials come on, you will come to notice that EVERYTHING they see is something that they want. During the gift-y holidays and birthdays, trying to sort out the things that they REALLY want and things that they just thought were kinda cool looking and just said they want because that's what kids do is a bit of a chore..... Then you go to the store with the child and they're pointing to all the things that aren't on the list.... :s
Then after much careful consideration, the crap shoot.... And you purchase the most likely things that they are gonna love.... Sometimes it's a hit, other times.... not so much. o_O
Then there are the toys that tout to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. The kids seem excited about it. YOU get excited about it. You order it and pay for it and it comes to the doorstep. Anticipation mounts as you open up the box and tear away all the packaging material. You finally free the toy from all of it's packaging binds and TADA! The kids have scattered and are playing with the box that the thing came in and are amusing the ever loving snot out of themselves by popping the bubble wrap and the air pocket thingies that was used to pack up the toy.... :sigh:
So, you get the children back on task and you do the reveal again. TADA! But the moment is gone and the TADA moment has long since passed and the appeal of the toy has lost its luster..... Oh well..... such is life.

STOP SHOUTING! I heard ya! I'm just ignoring you!

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and they just start talking louder and louder and louder  and LOUDER!!!!!!! Especially when they're repeatedly trying to make their point which you have already dismissed the first time as being idiotic and inane. And whether it's that they're trying to hijack the conversation or prove themselves right when CLEARLY they aren't... (Note: No matter how LOUD you say it, it's still wrong and not worth having to hear again...)
The only way to get one of those to shut up is to agree with him or her and roll your eyes when his or her head is turned or AFTER he or she leaves. Then DO NOT engage in a conversation with or near or around him or her again... Ever... Oh, sure he or she will try and talk to you anyway, but I found that the "talk to the hand" gesture while walking away works sometimes... So does pointing and laughing...

Excuses.....

I'm tired of hearing the "reasons" why something isn't done when they're supposed to be done. They are not reasons. They are sorry ass excuses. I'm tired of being told I "need to understand"...... No I don't. I'm REALLY tired of somehow being the one at fault for the inactions and / or stupidity and / or lateness of someone else. 

To those of you whom I have been hearing the excuses from, that train has left. I'll not hear them any more. I cannot pay the bills with your excuses. I cannot be expected to have sympathy for your "causes" when that is all you will concern yourself with. Late is late. Undone is undone. Stupidity is stupidity. Selfish is selfish. Malice is malice. T's crossed, I's dotted. Don't think I never saw it for what it was. I did. Now I'm going to start pointing it out. M'kay? Thanks.

Cults...

I don't really get the whole idea of these "open minded" cults, for lack of a better term. I LOVE going in and fucking with the feng shui of discussions that they have happening, JUST to raise the heat and see if these people can stand on their own convictions with the facts they claim to have. It's not that I have a problem with people having their beliefs. I have a problem with people supporting their beliefs with WHY they believe the way they do. Having a solid "belief" system is a wonderful thing. It keeps us going and forms the very foundations in which we base our every day lives. But WHY do we believe in the things we do? I think being able to support the reasons why is as important, if not more so in keeping with this system that we base our individual lives on.....

Bring in these "cults". They have rules and laws in which they lives their lives, (much like religion...... ) but they have a hard time standing by their own convictions when asked to justify or explain their reasons. I ask, what is the fucking point in having some kind of belief structure if you really can't believe them or stand behind them for yourself? And to top it off, what gives you the right to press these same beliefs onto someone else and try to suppress someone else's core of beliefs because you thinks yours sounds better...... Sounds a bit like oppression and it scares me. It also seems to me that the very same people don't even understand or know what in the hell they've put their beliefs in.

Cults feed on the weak little minds of those who can't think for themselves. It's rather twisted and scary if you think about it. It spreads hate and anger and ultimately violence because some "dogma" was spread as gospel, when quite honestly, the source of these preachings were nothing more than half cocked opinions of some self righteous douchebag who probably heard it from somewhere else because they couldn't come up with an original thought to save their own skins.....

I choose to think for myself. I choose to analyze and pick apart things that are put forth in front of me to be accepted simply because I am one who CAN think for themselves. I choose to believe based on truth and facts. Maybe it makes me "wrong". Perhaps it is the path to hell. Regardless of the fact, I chose. If it makes me wrong, then so be it. I'm wrong. If that makes me an asshole, then fine. I'm an asshole. But I have a damn good feeling that it will serve me well in the many years to come before me. It seems to be working now since I've come to discover that it truly DOES work well.

Scars....

I have my scars and of course, just like with any other scar, they have their own story. From childhood to present, I sport quite a few many all over the place. The one on my chin when I tripped and fell onto a boulder and arrested the fall cleverly with my chin and split it open... The nick on my upper lip from when I was misusing  a screwdriver and it slipped and I accidentally stabbed myself in the face with it... The one across the bridge of my nose when I cleverly hindering gravity with my face on a downed tree... The burn on my arm from splashing up hot oil when I dropped chicken into the hot pan of oil... The one on my arm from getting into a fight with a cat and losing... A lot... I've got tons! And most come with some rather amusing anecdote and post scripts....

The various scrapes, cuts and gashes on my knees and legs from various sports and just walking and crashing into things... The cuts on my head from various head injuries... Appendicitis and the subsequent surgery... My hands are pretty scraped up as are me feet. My face, my back, my front, my sides. I don't think I have a body part that doesn't have a scar of sorts... Seriously. I fall. A LOT.

The one that generally gives me pause is the one at my throat. Two slashes across from ear to ear from a stalker who threatened me. He had used the spine of the blade and although I suffered cuts, they weren't deep enough to cause serious damage. For the longest time, the physical scars weren't the only things that were left. I was damaged on the inside too. I lived with a lot of fear for a very long time.
I suppose those are the scars that leave the most lasting impressions. Yes, eventually I got over the psychological scars and the physical ones have faded quite a bit over the years... :sigh: But quite honestly, the whole experience has helped to shape the person that I became. Both inside and out.

I know that I will keep collecting scars. I fall, I trip, I crash into things (all of them even when I'm standing still... I'm just THAT talented...) But there are those scars where people do learn a lot about themselves in retrospection about the moment, hopefully helping one to become more aware of where they went wrong and can do all in their power to correct it. Do over. Second chance. I can't tell you where a some of my scars come from, others of them I can. Both the physical ones and the emotional ones. But I do know that I have learned a lot about myself as I walked down memory lane going through the events of how the initial "injury" that led to the scars came to be and where I went wrong. I learned about not making the same mistakes (for the most part... I can't help being a spaz...) by taking the measures to learn from my mistakes. I learned about better ways of coping and dealing with all manner of situations and taking responsibilities for the things I "own" and dropping the other bags of crap and fixing my own shit. And I learned that eventually, no matter what the cause of "injury", I heal. And that eventually, scars start to fade. Even though they leave a "lasting impression", I see it as a "characteristic" rather than a flaw. A learning experience that shaped me into the person that I am. And as I go through life, old and new scars, will shape the person I will become.
Still a long path, but it's good. It feels good.

Keeping your opinions to yourself....

Sometimes there are certain instances where keeping your damn mouth shut is the best option. Like, if you REALLY don't want someone to know what your opinion about them really is, might I suggest that you not share said opinion with other people. Don't put out there anything that you may not want other people to know. because inevitably that bit you out out there is going to be heard by the one person you didn't originally WANT to have heard it. Then, would you be ready to face that person? Would you be ready to face the confrontations of that?  The day pf reckonings come from these small actions. And it's all because you stated an opinion that you couldn't back up with facts and proof, making you the fool and no longer credible disseminator of information.... It's just better to know the whole story. Just a thought I thought I'd share......