Probably one of the hardest things a person can do is turn a critical eye on one's self. It's easy to point out the flaws of others, find their shortcomings, their wrong doings. It gets a little harder when it has to be a matter of, pointing out your own flaws and wrong doings AND saying "I was wrong for these reasons here and I'm sorry..."
I've been going back and forth with a few people via email (as they live in different parts of the country/ world). People I have come to call "friends" in the truest sense. Different walks of life, different spiritual views, different political standpoints, different careers... Apples, oranges and in one case an absolute bag of nuts. Assorted nuts. :) A healer, a spiritual leader, an activist, a terminally ill woman (May God welcome her Home with open arms.), and a warrior of sorts. Throw in a few grapes who added to or gave their two cents when it was called for as I have been taking this to a few others I've come across.
The core that makes them similar and the reason I chose them to go to with questions regarding the "path" of my own life was that they lived life like I wanted to. Not in the things that they have or the lives they have, but the lives they lead, with a strong rooted faith in something greater than themselves, the ability to be accountable for themselves and their own actions, choosing to make the world a better place by starting with themselves. Accepting the fact that only the individual can choose for themselves what they do.
It's not a matter of laying down the warrior and becoming a passive monk, so to speak. Anger can be used as a tool to fuel actions that require it, but one needs to find the proper balance or be consumed by it. The choices an individual makes as to HOW the energy gets used... That's where most of us make our mistakes. I'm guilty of it myself. Did I have the right to be angry? In some cases, damn skippy I did. In some of the cases, it was a perceptual issue on my part. A highly charged, emotional situation can quickly escalate. Who hasn't been there. But by feeding more hate and negativity to the situation, it just breeds more. (Guilty!)
There will always be those who care far too much about what others around them think about them. Their outward appearances to everybody are much more important than doing the right thing. I'd much rather know that I myself am trying to do the right thing and to hell with the people who don't know me, but will choose to judge me anyway. I matter to those I can share everything with, no matter what's going on in my life. They are those who know me and not just from the trivialities of secondhand "information".
I'd much rather know that the people I surround myself with on a personal level are those that I can rely on, share things with, those who are there should I need help (even when I don't think I need it), sharing in burdens and woes and celebrating right beside me in times of triumph. I believe there to be a far stretch between those whom I would consider friends, those whom I would consider acquaintances and then everybody else.
I cannot control the actions of others, how they feel, how they act, what they do, but I can control all of those things in myself and how I CHOOSE to handle things that come my way. Life is short. Sure I'll get shit thrown my way from time to time.That's life. And the learning process is one that won't be overnight. I go through moments of shut downs. It may be hours, it may be days. Personal introspection, self analysis and assessment. Cathartic? I guess. But this time I have been taking more positive steps forward before letting things go as opposed to just letting things go. Not an easy task.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'm okay with that too. But I need to start with myself to make sure that this "better world" will start with me.
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