As I continue to assess and figure out what it is that I believe in and what I stand for, I get hung up on the details sometimes, and I have to say, I admire those that GO and DO and god damn those details. On the other side of that, it is those "details" that separates me from "them" and who I AM. I mean, I know what it is that I want in life, for the most part. I have certain goals that I want to achieve. I know there are things that I want for my children. I know that there is a certain path I want my children to walk. As any "responsible parent" or "responsible adult", it's not as if though I haven't thought through the future for both myself and my children. But, it's all in a fuzzy kind of way. Nothing solid.
My "hang up" is that I'm still not sure what it is that I "believe" in. What exactly it is that I "stand for". Rigth/ wrong, black/ white, that kind of shit aside. I don't tolerate shitty behaviors, I am always ready for a fight for the "right cause" and I WILL actually speak up when I see injustice, when others are willing to just show indifference. But really.... The "who am I?" and "where am I?" and the "where am I headed?" things that give me pause...... Life up until now have certainly shaped me into the person that figuratively stands before you, but who IS that person?
Sometimes I am left to wonder, "When the fuck is 'the rest of my life' supposed to start?" It's rather weird. As much as I really don't want to know what lies ahead for me and stuff and I want to make sure that the future I do have ahead of me is truly the reflection of the tracks that I am laying now and that what I am doing now is going to help pave my path forward towards a brighter future. It's kind of a little scary to be grabbing blindly at whatever it may be, whether we call it "fate", "karma", the "path which was written for me".... whatever. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst? That's a pretty shitty existence. But then again, just simply hoping for the best seems a little naive and idealistic.
I FEEL like I'm supposed to make a difference. I THINK I am supposed to DO something that will make my mark in history or something, even if it's just a little nick or ding.... A mark is a mark is a mark is a mark. I want to reach that "greatness" that I myself am capable of achieving. Not necessarily huge and earth changing and epically global, but to where I have reached beyond MY OWN PERSONAL limits and potential. My belief is that EVERYONE has their ultimate greatness. It is unfortunate that a good portion of people NEVER reach their true ultimate potential of who they're supposed to be. And that leads to regret. Should've, could've, would've....... The worst kind of regrets to live with and die with.
At my end, I'd hate to have to face those kind of regrets. I mean, those are the worst ones, no? Not having taken a chance and just done something when you could have, but didn't? I know that looking back now, despite some of my ultimate fails in life, I don't regret those actionI did take as much as some of the other "opportunities" that I didn't take. Weird.
I've had regrets in my life, sure. I doubt that there is ANYONE who doesn't have some sort of regret in their lives. Anyone who says different is a fucking liar. Get over yourselves. You're lying to yourselves and the people you're trying to convince around you. Another regret you can look forward to and regretting later on in your life too. "I should have apologized for THAT...." or "I should have been honest with myself about that..."
I mean, everyone wants to think that what they are doing, what they do, how they live their lives, how they go about doing so and blah blah, is the right way. Sure, maybe they wish they could change some things here and there, but people like to believe that they are on the "right hand path" so to speak. And regardless of whether they pretend to care less, they do. They make justifications for their actions, make excuses for their shortcomings, stuff like that. If they truly didn't care of what others thought or truly believed that they travelled the right hand path, they wouldn't be so quick to make the justifications and excuses. But there you have it.
So, where do I go from here. I mean, as far as the general direction that I am heading right now, I guess there is a vague outline as far as what's ahead of me, but then what? There are days when I wish I had the booklet or a Cliff Notes version of how the rest of my life is supposed to turn out and stuff, but on the other side of that, the "not knowing" is really what makes life worth living. I would also hate to believe that everything is all planned out for me and my life is already written in stone. I would like to think that my "here on out" is going to be determined by the actions I take now, the steps I take, the path I pave forward is made with the bricks I lay down as I go along with every decision that I make and shit like that.
I suppose, the core of my beliefs and own set of "code of ethics" and stuff, play a definite role in how I go on about my life, and considering the fact that I am still trying to figure all that out, my road isn't exactly a superhighway to my "inevitable" end, but more like a meandering path full of pitfalls and perils, wrong turns and dead ends, potholes and rubble, but is that all bad? Nah. Here's to another pitstop. Time to move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment