But it's ME!!!!!

My doofus like tendencies and dorky presence and my all around goofiness has brought much shame and embarrassment to a lot of people around me, over the years. (Mostly to my parents...) I always tried to subdue my "-ness" but it never really quite worked out. It made me miserable and very unpleasant to be around and probably much worse to be around then if I was left to be me.

I wondered why it was such a big deal for my "-ness" to be subdued. I mean, most of the people hanging out with me knew or know exactly who and what I am, and choose to hang out with me anyway. Why is it that I have to adjust to the people around me when I see nothing wrong with who I am. It's always been quite an enigma.

I understand that way too many people take themselves way too seriously, and because of that, they feel the need to pretend to be something or someone they're not. They plaster on a facade that they think people WANT to see in order to fit in to where they may not necessarily belong, just to feel like they belong. I think people spend WAY too much time and put WAY too much effort into pleasing people that may or may not really be as important as they themselves think they are. It's really weird.

My parents were the first to try and get me to suppress my ME-ness. It only worked for a little while and my the time I reached ten years of age, I made it my life's mission to act as me as I possibly could, everywhere we went. Many years since, I always found myself tied to people who did the same thing as my parents and tried to suppress the ME-ness that made me who I am. Strange, looking back, how small minded and unimportant those people are to me now. It gives me pause on occasion, and makes me wonder what made me stay for as long as I did, KNOWING full damn fucking well, I was miserable and angry and hated everything about being there. Stranger still, I made my intolerance for my situation blatantly clear too.

It took me way too long to figure out that I should stop traipsing along for others, because I should be zipping forward for myself. :sigh: Feels good though.