Happy Birthday, Monkey!

It's seriously hard to believe that 8 years ago today, we were holed up in the hospital in a blizzard, right after you were born. We spent a long, quiet night pacing around a hospital room floor and we discovered that "Lion Sleeps Tonight" was your "sleepy time song", just hours after  you were born!

Over these years, I have watched you grow into the dangerously intelligent, handsome young man you have become and looking forward, I can see that you have such a bright future and I am so very proud of you.

I love you so much my little man! Happy birthday, Monkey! Yes, you can have pancakes for brekkies. Can you please stop reading over my shoulder now as I type this? Yes, I'm serious. :)
That's called an emoticon. and it is a smile-y face.

I love you too. Breakfast. Yes, Let's go. Yes, I will stop typing my answers to you, stop asking questions. :)

But it's ME!!!!!

My doofus like tendencies and dorky presence and my all around goofiness has brought much shame and embarrassment to a lot of people around me, over the years. (Mostly to my parents...) I always tried to subdue my "-ness" but it never really quite worked out. It made me miserable and very unpleasant to be around and probably much worse to be around then if I was left to be me.

I wondered why it was such a big deal for my "-ness" to be subdued. I mean, most of the people hanging out with me knew or know exactly who and what I am, and choose to hang out with me anyway. Why is it that I have to adjust to the people around me when I see nothing wrong with who I am. It's always been quite an enigma.

I understand that way too many people take themselves way too seriously, and because of that, they feel the need to pretend to be something or someone they're not. They plaster on a facade that they think people WANT to see in order to fit in to where they may not necessarily belong, just to feel like they belong. I think people spend WAY too much time and put WAY too much effort into pleasing people that may or may not really be as important as they themselves think they are. It's really weird.

My parents were the first to try and get me to suppress my ME-ness. It only worked for a little while and my the time I reached ten years of age, I made it my life's mission to act as me as I possibly could, everywhere we went. Many years since, I always found myself tied to people who did the same thing as my parents and tried to suppress the ME-ness that made me who I am. Strange, looking back, how small minded and unimportant those people are to me now. It gives me pause on occasion, and makes me wonder what made me stay for as long as I did, KNOWING full damn fucking well, I was miserable and angry and hated everything about being there. Stranger still, I made my intolerance for my situation blatantly clear too.

It took me way too long to figure out that I should stop traipsing along for others, because I should be zipping forward for myself. :sigh: Feels good though.

Ya know???!?!

Sometimes, I hate having to have to say 'no' to my kids. I mean, because I am a parent, there are times when I HAVE to. And then I am a meanie head and a child temper tantrum  occurs and I get the attitude. :slump:

I suppose it'd be easier if I just said "YES!" to everything, but what then? No limits, no consequences, no earning anything, no repercussions for any of their actions,  no anything..... Sort of like what's happening to a good portion of our youths today. Everything is disposable. There is too much of everything, including waste and overindulgence. Children have no idea how to take responsibilities for their actions, their stuff, the things that come out of their fucking mouths. And people complain about what the fuck is happening in the world.

Children are becoming whinier and sissier. The cry about everything, and blame their issues and problems on everyone else. They always look to someone else to solve all their problems. They're lazy and talk back and make excuses for everything. They don't listen and ignore everything and have no manners whatsoever. They're materialistic and greedy and think that everything is disposable. It's absolutely disgusting. And honestly, I get judged because I say "NO" to my kids?

I am NOT going to try and convince the world that my children are perfect, but they know damn well, that I will not tolerate certain behaviors and that there ARE certainly going to be consequences for their actions. I am not a weak handed, lily livered parent and I do not try to "be their friend" and give them everything that they want simply to get them to like me. I do not bend the rules and I expect a certain level of behavior, manners and effort, and I will ALWAYS fix behaviors that I deem to be unacceptable. I will demand that my kids "suck it the fuck up" if the situation does not call for any ensuing drama they feel they need to bring for whatever the reason.

I interact with enough children to know that parenting, and I mean REAL ACTIVE PARENTING or lack thereof, is blatantly obvious. You can tell which are the children who get away with way too much because their first response is to lie or whine or cry or make lame excuses or blame something or someone else. And the fact that they are allowed to get away with it, sickens me. What sickens me more  are the parents who believe that these kids will "grow out of" these behaviors. No dice moron. It's easier to raise a child properly, with morals, manners, a strong sense of responsibility, a proper code of ethics, and good values, then to try and fix them after you've fucked that all up. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the responsibility of a parent. I wish people would take responsibility and start raising their fucking kids instead of making stupid fucking excuses for them. Assholes.

Morning......

Most mornings, I get up and I'm like, "Ugh......" Other mornings I get up and I'm like, "NO!" Then on others still, I'm like, "FUCK MORNINGS!!!!!!! This sucks ASS!!!!!!!!"

I don't think I was ever a "morning person". It takes me a while to quiet everything in my head so that I CAN sleep and once I DO get to sleep, it's not very restful because, well..... I am a mom of four. SOMEONE will wake up in the middle of the night and need something.....  Then, some of the other times the noises in my will manifest themselves into the WEIRDEST dreams. Like, if Tim Burton had experienced a 3 second clip of any of my dreams, he'd quit making weird moveis forever. Johnny Depp would be out of work.

I love my sleep. Not because I don't want to do anything so much as it's that warm fluffy YAY sensation that I love. You know, the last dregs of sleep when the dream ALMOST seems like it's real and it's right there with you, and you're all warm and comfortable and gooey and yay.... And it's like you could lay suspended there forever.  Yeah. THAT feeling.

But it never really lasts because the alarm clock starts screaming at me, then the kids start screaming about being hungry and then the day begins. And I am left all :tard face: wishing I had five more minutes in that warm happy place..... Blah..... Morning.

Anti-social? Maybe.......

I guess there are times when I go out, I may seem a little standoffish. Or sometimes, I am very standoffish. It amuses me to no end that it seems to bother people when I ignore them, and they try harder to amuse, impress or get me to like them, which is weird. And of course, that annoys me further, I will make ait perfectly clear that I want nothing to do with them  and I turn into, what they call, a bigger bitch. Seriously?

I really tried to understand what it was that motivated people to try so fucking hard. Was it low self esteem? Maybe the need to feel accepted because of some unfulfilled social something or another? Maybe a psychological need to feel that other people like them because deep down, they know that they're really just shallow, empty little people living shallow empty little lives. I don't know. Any way you slice it, it's just plain idiotic.

Maybe this is just another one of those things that makes me an absolute bitch. Whatever. But if I truly think someone isn't worth my time to speak to or interact with, I'm not going to bother or try. So it brings up the point that I tend to talk to random strangers like the local homeless guy over lunch or something. I get that most people would overlook a guy like him. Haggard and old, but sharp. He sits on his bench, staring out into the world with the most unbelievably blue eyes..... I swear he looks at things like he doesn't miss a thing. Soft spoken and always quick with a kind word too, and always with an amazing story of his youth. Totally worth my time interacting with and he's very happy to do it.

Then you get stupid morons who try to impress people by pretending to be something they're not, pretending to be some they aren't, and speaking out of their asses like their shit don't stink. A GREAT example.... Guts, Mitchie and I went to a bar. (It's really the start of the greatest joke EVER! It's just that we haven't come up with the punchline yet..... "A Guinea, a Kike and a Nip walk into a bar....) When I walked over to the bar, I had some asshole come "hey baby...". "Are you fucking serious?" was my reply. I told him I was armed and to go away, I wasn't interested. He whipped out a badge. I giggled. It was a court marshall's badge and I told him, "My man has one of those..... Except his is real." At which point my dearest Puppy Guts was already walking over. As quick as he whipped that thing out, it disappeared just as fast. I think he may have shit himself a little..... I suppose that THAT particular interaction was kind of worth it because the look on that asshole's face was absolutely PRICELESS, but still, given the choice, I guess I would rather have been left alone.

Maybe my non-need to feel that people accept me makes me antisocial, maybe not. It really doesn't bother me too much. I'd really much rather see it as "selective about my social choices" and save what sanity I have left and NOT deal with every asshole  that comes my way.

I hate the phone....

I hate talking on the phone. Although you can make out inflections of a person's voice and get the meaning of what they are trying to convey a little better than the written word, it's hard to see the TRUE intent without seeing them in person. On the other side of that, I like talking on the phone with certain people because if they saw the faces I was making or heard the last few minutes of conversation I was having with them after I already hung up the phone...... Well, let's just say, it's a good thing that those people don't experience that.

Everything with a smile.....

There doesn't have to be a reason for me to hate things. Well, there usually is a pretty damn good reason. Some of the times I can articulate EXACTLY why I hate something. Other times, I can't, but I hate them anyway. Maybe "hate" is too strong a word... Regardless. I cannot honestly say that I live without hate in my heart.

Peas and hummus are a fine example of my hate for something. Blech. The works of the devil himself. I also hate child molesters, puppy kickers, abusers, rapists, murderers, etc... I mean, I am pretty fuckin' sure, we can all agree on that, right? I mean otherwise, get the fuck off my page. No. Seriously. Go. Leave now. I could also get into specific names of people that I'm not too particularly fond of too, but I won't. That really isn't the point of this post.

Does my level of hate change depending on the mood I'm in? Of course. ESPECIALLY if my mood is directly caused by by the thing I hate. Toe stubbing for example. I hate stubbing my toe on something. If I had stubbed my toe on something and were asked if I hate toe stubbing, I think the level of hate would be more like: "I HATE STUBBING MY TOE, SHIT FUCK ASS MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT COCK SUCKING TWAT CUNT SHIT FUCK!!!!!!" Different level. It doesn't change the fact that I hate it. There is always that hate. It's always there.

I've tried to let go of those things. Hate is supposed to poison and whatnot and turn things negative and blah, but honestly? I see it as a fuel sometimes. Not like when I wallow in it and seethe and boil and bubble and stew in it, but when I actually use it to drive me forward or pay closer attention or focus or deal with a situation that isn't as bad....

Sowwy Puppy Guts.... NOW GET ME PRINGLES!!!!!

I don't get PMS-y during every cycle.  I have alright ones and I have bad ones. The bad ones have me sobbing while watching youtube videos of dogs all happy when their soldier comes home. They have me craving Pringles and Skittles and crazy concoctions of foods. It's almost like pregnancy, without the 18 year commitment that follows.

To top it off, sometimes I can FEEL the PMS and I can say, "I have PMS and I'm all blah...." to dear Puppy Guts and yay great. Everything will be fine. Then there are times when the month will escape from me and FLABAMMO! It's that time of the month and I don't even realize it and GAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! Puppy Guts does some quick period math and two minutes later, I have ice cream, a heating pad and a footie rub. :sigh: Kewl-ness!
I win!

I don't get it....

There are more than two kinds of people in the world and most of them, I can't stand. Sure, there are a few people I like. I'm not a complete antisocial, loner with no friends. But I do have to stop and ask, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH PEOPLE NOW A DAYS??!?!?!!

I don't know how many of you out there really stop and take a look around at the people you're amidst, but holy shit balls! Watching them is like a watching my own personal freak show! All sorts of little people, going about their little lives, trapped in their own little realities, and can't even see passed their own little worlds. Their children are spoiled and are handed everything they want to appease them, when back in MY day (holy shit, I feel old.... ) we worked for that shit. Sorry.... Tangent.

Most people aren't aware of anything else going on around them. They are clueless and ignorant and completely unaware. Me, I'm an asshole. I like to conduct "social experiments" all the time. I'll become that "weirdo" that gets the funny looks. I am the one who will start random games of tag in the parking lot of the grocery store. Dance in an aisle at the department store. Laugh in a crowded public place for no good god damned reason, just to see if I could get others to laugh along with me for no good god damned reason. I'll drop things and keep walking, just to see if someone would return it to me. I'm the asshole who will stop and help someone who looks like they need help, out. I am "THAT weirdo".

But I gave this a whole bunch of thought and came to the conclusion that I am not the weirdo here. It's everyone else around me. Life is so damn short and fleeting and yet most people can't be bothered to live beyond their comfort zones nor the "routines" that they have created for themselves. They eat the same things, they do the same things, they go about their lives never trying or doing or living. I like to make every day a small adventure by being "the weirdo". I love to laugh and play and be "immature". And simply because that's the way life should be. I don't want to just take up space and go on with life until my inevitable end.

I also believe that showing compassion and trying to help out people, whether you know them or not, whether you like them or not, whether they are worth helping or not, is something that a lot of people have forgotten how to do. People are much more quick to judge others and pass down their judgements about people then they are to stop and put themselves in these people's shoes. You know the type. They sneer at the homeless and pretend they don't exist. They give people like me, having a grand time being "weird", dirty and disapproving looks. A little bit different or outside of their construct of "normal" and they are worthy of contempt. And for what? The "I am so much better than them!" mentality sets in and the mental and emotional self pat on the back. It makes me wonder how miserable they really are that they need to make themselves feel better by judging and being so condescending to those around them, when they could actually REALY feel better about themselves if they were to take notice, take action and do something positive like bring the homeless guy a hot meal and a hot cup of coffee or join in on an impromptu boogie in aisle 5.

I'm sure that I get judged ALL THE TIME by the people who come in contact with me. But those judgements by those small minded and petty little people don't bother me. The judgements that are most harsh are the ones we pass on ourselves. And I would really rather go on about being who I am then fake it. I mean really. At the end of the each day, if I can look in the mirror and say to myself, very honestly, "I've had an excellent day today because I LIVED, I wasn't just passing the time!" then it was a good day.

Where am I?

I've spent the last few years, ranting and raving here, carrying on about changes I have made in my life, the changes that I still want to make in my life and the future that I think I want for myself, but I still have no idea where it is that I'm going, nor do I have any idea what it is I'm looking for. I think I know what I want, but then, I thought that I knew what I wanted for myself a couple of times in my life too. They didn't really work out well for me. Granted, those times in my life have truly shaped the person that I now am, and I am quite happy with the progress so far, but.... Now what?

As I continue to assess and figure out what it is that I believe in and what I stand for, I get hung up on the details sometimes, and I have to say, I admire those that GO and DO and god damn those details. On the other side of that, it is those "details" that separates me from "them" and who I AM. I mean, I know what it is that I want in life, for the most part. I have certain goals that I want to achieve. I know there are things that I want for my children. I know that there is a certain path I want my children to walk. As any "responsible parent" or "responsible adult", it's not as if though I haven't thought through the future for both myself and my children. But, it's all in a fuzzy kind of way. Nothing solid.

My "hang up" is that I'm still not sure what it is that I "believe" in. What exactly it is that I "stand for". Rigth/ wrong, black/ white, that kind of shit aside. I don't tolerate shitty behaviors, I am always ready for a fight for the "right cause" and I WILL actually speak up when I see injustice, when others are willing to just show indifference. But really.... The "who am I?" and "where am I?" and the "where am I headed?" things that give me pause...... Life up until now have certainly shaped me into the person that figuratively stands before you, but who IS that person?

Sometimes I am left to wonder, "When the fuck is 'the rest of my life' supposed to start?" It's rather weird. As much as I really don't want to know what lies ahead for me and stuff and I want to make sure that the future I do have ahead of me is truly the reflection of the tracks that I am laying now and that what I am doing now is going to help pave my path forward towards a brighter future. It's kind of a little scary to be grabbing blindly at whatever it may be, whether we call it "fate", "karma", the "path which was written for me".... whatever. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst? That's a pretty shitty existence. But then again, just simply hoping for the best seems a little naive and idealistic.

I FEEL like I'm supposed to make a difference. I THINK I am supposed to DO something that will make my mark in history or something, even if it's just a little nick or ding.... A mark is a mark is a mark is a mark. I want to reach that "greatness" that I myself am capable of achieving. Not necessarily huge and earth changing and epically global, but to where I have reached beyond MY OWN PERSONAL limits and potential. My belief is that EVERYONE has their ultimate greatness. It is unfortunate that a good portion of people NEVER reach their true ultimate potential of who they're supposed to be. And that leads to regret. Should've, could've, would've....... The worst kind of regrets to live with and die with.

At my end, I'd hate to have to face those kind of regrets. I mean, those are the worst ones, no? Not having taken a chance and just done something when you could have, but didn't? I know that looking back now, despite some of my ultimate fails in life, I don't regret those actionI did take as much as some of the other "opportunities" that I didn't take. Weird.

I've had regrets in my life, sure. I doubt that there is ANYONE who doesn't have some sort of regret in their lives. Anyone who says different is a fucking liar. Get over yourselves. You're lying to yourselves and the people you're trying to convince around you. Another regret you can look forward to and regretting later on in your life too. "I should have apologized for THAT...." or "I should have been honest with myself about that..."

I mean, everyone wants to think that what they are doing, what they do, how they live their lives, how they go about doing so and blah blah, is the right way. Sure, maybe they wish they could change some things here and there, but people like to believe that they are on the "right hand path" so to speak. And regardless of whether they pretend to care less, they do. They make justifications for their actions, make excuses for their shortcomings, stuff like that. If they truly didn't care of what others thought or truly believed that they travelled the right hand path, they wouldn't be so quick to make the justifications and excuses. But there you have it.

So, where do I go from here. I mean, as far as the general direction that I am heading right now, I guess there is a vague outline as far as what's ahead of me, but then what? There are days when I wish I had the booklet or a Cliff Notes version of how the rest of my life is supposed to turn out and stuff, but on the other side of that, the "not knowing" is really what makes life worth living. I would also hate to believe that everything is all planned out for me and my life is already written in stone. I would like to think that my "here on out" is going to be determined by the actions I take now, the steps I take, the path I pave forward is made with the bricks I lay down as I go along with every decision that I make and shit like that.

I suppose, the core of my beliefs and own set of "code of ethics" and stuff, play a definite role in how I go on about my life, and considering the fact that I am still trying to figure all that out, my road isn't exactly a superhighway to my "inevitable" end, but more like a meandering path full of pitfalls and perils, wrong turns and dead ends, potholes and rubble, but is that all bad? Nah. Here's to another pitstop. Time to move on.

I wannit NOW.... I think.

It's not that I'm being a sexist or making a stereotypical remark or whatever, but I think the one about women and them not knowing EXACTLY what they want, but knowing they want it NOW holds true. Whether it's a relationship, or what they want to eat or where they want to go or what they want to do, what they want...... Whatever. It's always, "I dunno.... But I want it right now!"

I know that I drive my poor Puppy Guts crazy when I get into the "I dunno.... But I want it right now!" rut. I can almost see the hair turning gray as his hairline slides back a little further. And it's not as if though I'm that much of an indecisive person or anything, it's just that sometimes, I just know it's something that I want NOW, but I'm not sure what it is.

:sigh: Men sometimes DO have it pretty rough.... I'm so glad I have one that understands this about me and does everything that he can to make sure I have the thing I'm not sure I want or not when I want it.

Ugh.... You again?

My phone is set up so that I know who's calling me when the phone rings. I have special ring tones set up for people so most of the time, I don't even have to look at the phone to know who's calling. It also helps me to recognize the phone calls I probably want to avoid too. Every once in a while though, I make the grave mistake of answering the phone. Ugh.... Ten seconds into the conversation, after the initial, "Hey! How are you?" I regret answering the phone and ask myself, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE WHEN YOU KNEW FUCKING DICK DAMN WELL THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!!!!" and I'm stuck on the phone, listening to the dribble of someone I didn't want to be talking to in the first place.

I need to learn from my mistakes..... Seriously.

Pfft.... Is THAT the best you got?

It used to be that I cared so much of what others thought. And I'm not talking about people who mattered either. And what seems even MORE ridiculous to me now is the fact that I wanted so much for these people to acknowledge and like me, even though I didn't really like them. AS I started coming around though, I will admit, I cared what they said about me a little too much too. I cared a little too much about what they thought of me. Until one day....

I came to the realization that if I was going to do the whole, "I don't like you, I don't care about you, POOF be gone, I don't want you in my life!" thing, I had to let go of it all. INCLUDING the thoughts and feelings and whatnot of the people I was excising from my life. And lo and behold, it was yet another burden lifted. It actually became funny to me. And I also discovered that nothing bothers these "haters" more than showing them that their actions and words don't affect you.

What makes is GREAT is when you point out their actions. Talk about knocking a person down a couple of notches. It's the best form of revenge really, short of needing the use of a backhoe, and private acreage in the backwoods of some other state. But, prison orange is NOT a good color for me, so, I'll just stick with what I got.

Onward!

As I continue forward in life and continue to excise those negative influences in my life, I sometimes wonder whether it is such a good idea to have incinerated the bridges between myself and those I've let go. I gave it some thought though..... There was a pretty damn good reason WHY I let these people go. I mean, making a fresh start really DOES mean starting from the very beginning again and working your way forward and up. And in trying to achieve that, you have to clean the slate. Of course, it's probably the hardest step to take though..... :sigh:

I keep on being told that nothing good comes easy and it really shouldn't. In order for one to appreciate what they have and earn, you've got to make your bones and put in the time. I guess it makes sense. I'll admit, I think, "Why can't I just fucking have it!!!!" but I know at the end of the day, it wouldn't be worth as much to me. So I continue on. It's a lonely road at times, but what I'm cultivating now is well worth the price.

Happy Valentine's Day, Puppy Guts!

My Dearest Snoochie Buttons, my Honey Googlie Fuzzy Monster, my darling Puppy Guts, Happy Valentine's day to you! These last 4 years have been the best years of my life, sharing them with you. And with the greatest of them still yet to come, it gives me a happy!

I love you with everything that I am! XOXOX
Your Kitten Squish. Always.

If You're Gonna USE the Word.....

Seriously, if you're gonna USE the fuck word, you might as well USE it. Own that shit and really MEAN it. I mean I say the fuck word a lot in every day conversation, but when I actually MEAN it, I'll make that shit known. There's something to be said about putting meaning and intent behind the words you speak, ESPECIALLY if it is a "FUCK" situation. Just sayin'.......

My Awesomeness....

It may be hard for you all to believe, given my current level of sheer awesome, but I once used to be a pathetic loser like you too. I'm sure that with some time, faith and practice, one day you may be half as awesome as I am now....

Some people ask how it is that I can be so confident all the time. The truth is, I'm really not. It's just really that I don't give a shit. I've finally discovered that I'm not here to live my life to please everyone.  That I should be living my life to please those that matter, including myself and being able to live with the person that I am. Why should the judgements of those who DON'T matter affect anything that I do or say? I know that despite being an asshole, deep down..... well, maybe REALLY deep down, I happen to be a pretty decent person. I've also come to realize that "confidence" doesn't come from the people around you and the way they treat you. It's something that comes from the individual, REGARDLESS of what's going on around them. Being able to shine despite everything, and I think that's what fucks people up.

I've seen seemingly confident people whither when they thought someone didn't like them or thought badly of them. I've seen them wilt when they were disapprovingly glared at. I've seen the facade crumble when they were confronted. Really? That's all it takes to shake some people. Weak. That's not confidence nor is it "awesome". Get over yourselves. I know what you really are.

Huh? Come again?

I don't know whether it's because my hearing is going or my selective hearing is getting better or what, (maybe a combination of both....) but it would seem that I find myself asking people to repeat themselves a few times until I can understand them. And even then, I have no idea what the fuck they said to me. I'll nod and smile and pray they aren't looking for an answer and I move on.  But it's weird.

I find myself needing to write things down more often, I squint a little when I'm looking at stuff sometimes, I'm finding quite a few many more gray hairs on my head, things get creaky sometimes. I've developed laugh lines and there are parts that are starting to slide a little south of "perky" these days too. I truly thought that these things would bother me a lot more than it does, but in all honesty, I kinda don't care. I mean, of all the things in my life that I DO have to worry about and concern myself with, the fact that I'm aging kind of stopped ranking. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop taking care of myself and letting myself go, but meh.....

Jeez.... I am REALLY hoping that this isn't one f those "maturity" moments and I've gotten to be all grown up and shit, because THAT would fucking be tragic.

Impossible?

It's those who say "nothing is impossible" that  make what seemed impossible possible. Let me explain. I guess people are really only limited to the things that they themselves will limit themselves with. I truly have a hard time believing people when they say, "I can't...." Yes, I am guilty of saying "I can't..." myself, but I don't quite understand these limitations that we put on ourselves.

Think about the people who actually DID achieve some sort of "greatness". I doubt "I can't..." was part of their mantra. Sure, self doubt and stuff creeps in from time to time, but honestly?

Moving forward in my life, I have found that "I can't..." had held me back from a lot of possibilities in my life. Continuing forward, I try to push the self doubt and "I can't..." back so that I go ahead and take the risks and chances just to see where it takes me. And whether it is about changes in my life, my surroundings, the people I'm surrounding myself with, my future or whatever, I do my best to try and push passed the "I can't..."

There is a fine line between what is possible and what is impossible..... I mean, I'm not saying that it's possible to me to sprout wings out of my ass and I'll be able to fly and shit, I am talking about the "impossible/ possible" stuff that I DO have control over and could achieve, simply by eliminating the "I can't..." factor.  Feels good.

Asleepings.......

Ahhh.... Sleep. There is something so innocent about the look of things when they are sleeping. Whether it be a human child or any kind of animal, from mice to Tazmanian devil to baby cute fluffy squishy things to hideously ugly, not so fluffy squishy things.

Any child, no matter what devil child, seems sweet and docile when asleep. Naughtiness is no more, there's no screaming, yelling, attitude, whining.... Just sweetness.

And then they wake up...... Hopefully after having got a decent night's sleep too, because otherwise... Ugh..... YAY!

One cool dude ?

I'm not the most feminine girly girl on the face of the planet. I hate shopping, I hate the mall, I don't worry about my thighs and butt as much as I probably should and I certainly don't dress up and put on full war paint i.e. makeup, just to go to the market. I don't like dresses and heels. I don't like anything other than a comfy pair of jeans and a comfy shirt. Burping and farting amuse me and I suppose if I had balls, I would spend a good portion of my day scratching them, just because I could. I don't sit with my legs crossed, I like crass humor and I cuss a lot. I like playing sports and being physical and talking about cars. I don't necessarily fit in well with the others mothers at the PTO meetings and school functions. I really have nothing in common with them simply because they are everything that I am not. It just happens to be that I have a vagina instead of a penis (although I guess that would make me a gay man because I am in love with a man.... Whatever.)

I've gotten both comments and compliments about my "-ness" and I suppose if I cared more, they might mean something, but what does it matter anyway..... Yes..... I did the thinking thing again. I mean, comments or compliments, is it really going to make me change the way I am because of something that someone, whom I may not even give a crap enough about, whose opinion of me really doesn't much matter anyway? So not worth the effort. I tired of trying to make the effort to reach out to people. It just makes things SO much easier to just put myself out there and those who can jive with my flow can come hang and those who can't handle my sheer awesome can sit and bitch and complain and start their rumors and whatever. Either way, it works for me.

A day complete.....

I get out of the house at least once a day to do whatever it is I need to do, like go to the market or the post office or go on some other errand that I have to get done for the day. It's mundane and stupid and really kind of boring. So I try and do things that will make it fun. If I happen to be in a department store with an elevator on it, I will meow occasionally or say "DING!" at every floor. I'll make explosion noises every time some presses a button and I have even done the "So, I guess you are all wondering why I gathered you here today..." as the doors on the elevator shut. I have tagged someone on the shoulder in a parking lot and shouted out "TAG! YOU'RE IT!" and went running off in another direction. I have danced in the middle of a store to the song that was playing on the speakers.  When I take out money from the ATM and the cash spits out, I jump up and down yelling, "I WON! I WON!!!!!" I've shouted out "GROUP HUG!!!!!!" and enforced it in a crowd of people. I've made people apologize to my "imaginary friend", whose toe they stepped on. I've gotten people to "flash mob dance" with me if there was a song that I liked playing in an elevator. Simple things like that. Sometimes it frightens people. Sometimes it brings a smile to people's faces. Whatever. Laughter is a wonderful spice of life and life is short. GO out and try some of these. You'll be glad you did.

Me and video games.....

Video games and I have a very strange and quirky relationship. It's not like I haven't played my fair share of them. Sure! I owned a couple of gaming systems and stuff. I had my hand held doojies and played the games. And I always get laughed at when I play. My body always ends up jerking all over the place, as if doing that will help my video game character out of a tight spot or aid in evading some foe or some shit like that. Making myself smaller in the gaming chair in order to sneak by something. Jerking the controller left or right to move faster. Yanking the controller up or down in order to move out of the way of some impending threat. It caused some serious anxiety issues.... That's why I gave them up. :sigh: No more video games.....

I came out of WHERE??!?!?

There comes a time when a kids asks the question..... "Mama? Where do babies come from?" and inevitably, "When I lived in your tummy, how did I get out?"

One side of me is screaming, "LIE!!!!! LIE A LOT!!!!!! SAY IT WAS THE MAGIC OF RAINBOW UNICORNS OR SOMETHING!!!!! SANTA CLAUS!!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!" The other side of me says, "Tell them the fucking truth. What the fuck?"

The answer that comes out of my mouth is "MAGIC!" but then, I always end up feeling bad. :slump: What to do..... What to do.....

The bigger ones know. I mean, they're old enough to know and so they learned that shit. Whatever. The little ones, not so much..... I mean, regardless of when you find out and then make the connection, there's still a moment of :shudder: ew.....

The looks on their faces is priceless though......

I'm an asshole.....

I speak out when I see injustice or something that isn't quite right. What can I say. I have a big mouth, a big attitude, I can back up the things that I say with proof or action. Apparently, that makes me an asshole.

I don't like to see people hurting kids or animals and I will make it a point to do something about it.

I have a hard time "minding my business and keeping my mouth shut" when a supposed "private matter" is being aired out so publicly. I mean really. It's obvious that these people just wanted the attention. The attention I am going to give isn't going to be positive, even though positive attention was what you were trying for. Shut the fuck up if you can't handle it.

I speak my mind. I voice my opinions. I'm blunt, rude, and sometimes even callous. I believe that what needs to be said, needs to be said.

I don't like the idea of not doing anything when a situation arises and I am made aware of it or it falls into my lap or whatever, when in the back of my mind, I KNOW I can do something. There is ALWAYS something that someone can do. Unless I'm being played for a sucker. Then I'm gonna tell a jackass to fuck themselves.

I don't like most people. I think most people are selfish and petty and cruel and wimpy and all around shitty. I like to make it a point to point out those type of flaws in people. It amuses me to see these people flounder.

I HATE bullies. I LOVE making them whither and wilt. It is a most relaxing hobby to see the fight leave someone when they are confronted ever so bluntly, directly, "up close and personal". I think it's funny.

Sure I could go on and on, but I won't. And at the end of the day, these are the things that make me an asshole, then I'm okay with it. I'm an asshole. Thank you and good night.

Tweaks to my car I'd like to have....

There are certain tweaks that I'd like to make to my car that I believe would help with the stupidity of others that I encounter on the roads. For example, I would like to have "Transformer Mode" installed because, well, quite honestly, that'd be awesome as FUCK! Maybe a super jet mode so that I can fly over the traffic when it gets too jammed up. I'd also like to have a missile launcher, well, because, sometimes the gunshot horn just might not be enough. I'd also like to get one of those steel wedges that the freight trains in the snowy areas have on the fronts of the engines so that I can push people the fuck out of the way and I can keep plowing forward without a problem. I'd want a speaker on the outside of the car that blasted "Ride of the Valkyries" too, simply because I want people to hear me coming and move the fuck out of my way.... Or if, you know, my car could be a tank. That'd be pretty cool too. Yeah. A tank.

Groundhog Day

It's Groundhog Day and we get to see whether that vermin is going to see his shadow or not and determine whether or not we are going to get another six weeks of winter or not. Please can we get to spring already! I kind of miss not having to locate my hat, my scarf, my coat, my boots, my mittens and all the hand warmers (I swear I bought a case of those things and I have no idea where the fuck they went....). Warmer weather would sure be nice right about now....

Mommy Time Out......

There are times when I just have to walk away and take a few minutes for myself. My children might see me as infallible and I have to remind them sometimes that I am only human and that I do make mistakes. I make my apologies and we move on.

As a mom, not everything can be taken in stride and there are times when ALL of the shit will hit the fan all at once and it can become a tad overwhelming. Believe it or not, if the issues aren't completely pressing and need immediate attention, a short time out is awesome. I mean, if you're flaking out because of some immediate danger or eminent threat or something and your freaking out when you HAVE to keep a level head, then you're an idiot. But you're also an idiot if you can't just step away when it's NOT critical and you're just getting yourself all worked up for nothing.

Time out is a concept even the kids can understand. Just taking a few to calm the fuck down, chill the fuck out and come back to a level head. And they also understand when I yell out, "Time out!" and go sit in a corner. They've been made to do it and I do it too. It works. I love time out sometimes.