How to deal with a narcissist.......

There are people in my life who fit the very definition of the word "narcissist". I'd like to take a little time today to offer up a lesson to people about how to identify one and how to deal with them. Now, I am in NO WAY a psychologist, therapist, psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, head shrinker, yip skip dippity doo dah "let's-talk-about-our-feelings"guru or anything, but, I feel as if though I need to get this all out there because narcissism has become an epidemic. Look at the world around us.... Think about the people we are forced to deal with. I can personally say that most people fall victim to these narcissistic people on a daily basis and don't even know it or realize it. Maybe if I throw this out there, you'll be able to recognize it and be able to deal with the problem and eliminate some sources of stress in your life. Seriously....

So, let's start off by defining narcissism. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride. The term originated with Narcissus in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism is also considered a social or cultural problem. Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. Narcissism is not the same as egocentrism. Four dimensions of narcissism as a personality variable have been delineated: leadership/authority, superiority/arrogance, self-absorption/self-admiration, and exploitative-ness/entitlement. Most of these things are self perceived and the adulation they seek is NOT deserved. 

There are certainly very recognizable traits that, with a little bit of observation, you can pick out right away. I mean, it's not always about them scoping out a mirror to admire themselves, like Narcissus and his reflection. Narcissism encompasses all sorts of self centeredness and I am here, as a public service announcer, to help you recognize other behaviors of the typical narcissist. It is not necessarily just one of these behavioral traits that will define what a narcissist is. Usually a combination, but it's pretty plain to see once you know what you're looking for. Here is a list of these behaviors. It's not just limited to these, but you'll get the idea.

• An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges. Basically how, when talking to someone, the focus of ANY conversation will become about them.

• Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships. Well, it's difficult to maintain a relationship when it's all about them, isn't it?

• A lack of psychological awareness. Everyone else is crazy.... Didn't you know? 

• Difficulty with empathy, because no one else matters. They live in their own little worlds where everything is perfect because THEY are perfect. The only problem is, they don't realize that WE have to share the planet with them.

• Problems distinguishing the self from others. This mostly happens because everything is always about them. Their life is more interesting, more important, more tragic, more whatever. 

• Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults. Because how can anyone ever think they are anything less than perfect?  It can almost look like paranoia at times. The thought of themselves being judged by others is intolerable. So even perceived insult or judgement is unforgivable.  

• Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt. Shame is a bit shorter term than guilt. One eventually gets over feeling shame, whereas feelings of guilt is admitting wrongdoing, which will never happen with a narcissist. But shaming them is easy, because they will never admit fault, they'll try not to acknowledge it, they'll eventually reason it away, but pointing out their shortcomings and hounding them about it can bring about shame.

• Haughty body language. They seriously think they're better than everyone. Nose in the air, looking down on people. You can also hear it in their intonation when they speak. It's almost like they're talking down to you.

• Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them, well, because, they NEED that perpetual approval and constant ego stroking. The cruelest thing to do to a narcissist is to stroke their ego, then cut them down, then stroke their ego again, only to cut them down once more. 

• Detesting those who do not admire them. Well, like I said, they need constant reassurance and ego stroking. Actually, they demand it. How dare you not give it.  

• Using other people without considering the cost of doing so, because, well damn it! To them it's really not "using" per se. It's a means to an end...... Their own megalomaniacal end, other people be damned.

• Pretending to be more important than they really are. They need to showcase their own self importance. Status and how people perceive them is super important to them. It's a facade they need to create, showing how "happy" their lives are, how "successful" they are, how "great" their relationships are, but the reality is, it's only in their own minds.  

• Bragging (subtly, but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements. Again, it is all about this incessant need for approval and feeding their own egos. They need to show people how important they are despite the fact that it is completely undeserved. Again, it is more facade. They need attention and approval and accolades in order to thrive.  

• Claiming to be an "expert" at many things. They are nothing more than Google scholars. You'll hear things like, "I've spoken to experts about this...." Or better yet, "I've done extensive research on the subject..."They will keep on talking about a subject that they have NO idea about, and continue to talk out of their asses despite being shown how wrong they are or how stupid they sound, while continuing to believe that they are still "the expert".  

• Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people. Seriously? There is no reasoning with these people. They are lost causes. Logic completely escapes them. It is their way. That's it. That's why they will always believe they won an argument. Any argument. 

• Denial of remorse and gratitude. They will not apologize because they feel they've done nothing wrong. They will justify their actions until the day they die. And gratitude? Pfft. Forget it. You SHOULD be doing them favors. You're welcome. 

So, how do these traits manifest themselves? Well, there are the seven deadly sins of narcissism: 

Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways. But seriously, that is what lurks just beyond the surface because on the inside, they know how wrong they are and they know how much of a lie their lives really are, but they will rationalize and justify everything in their own sick and twisted ways in order to keep the facade up for themselves, even LONG after those around them have seen them for what they really are. 

Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others. This projection is used simply to deflect blame onto someone else or to take the negative spotlight off of themselves. 

Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may re-inflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else. They will resort to malicious behaviors "just to be a bitch" or withhold on obligations to punish others. They feel like they are better than everyone around them and will go above and beyond to make sure that they make you know it too. If these actions go unnoticed, you will feel their pettiness and subsequent retribution, no matter how trite.

Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person. They may not even acknowledge another person's talent at all. Actual competition freaks them out, especially when there is a possibility that they will lose. They are cowards and will haughtily dismiss anything or anyone that may threaten their own self importance. 

Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage. Anything that doesn't meet their own status quo is considered an affront. Any change or deviation from that status quo is unacceptable. In their minds, the law does not apply to them, neither does showing common courtesy. 

Exploitation: It can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed. Emotional blackmail can be a common weapon used by the narcissist in order to get what they want too.

Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other. It is about their own needs being met and that is all.

Great..... Right? So, how do you deal with these people? It seems an impossible task, no? Honestly, it's really quite simple. Their self loathing and shame lay so close to the surface it's not even funny. That arrogant self love is a thin, brittle and easily shattered facade. How do you shatter it? Stand your ground and confront them with everything you know they hate about themselves. Bombard them with everything you know they are ashamed about. Bring to indisputable light, what they did wrong, how it is wrong, why it is wrong and how it is their fault. It's an awesome thing to watch that thin, crusty veil shatter like one of those glass ball X'mas ornaments. Be consistent. Don't kowtow to their self imagined greatness because that's where they get their power. They will do anything and everything to maintain their own self perceived superiority, whether by lying, using tears and emotional blackmail, debasing and verbal abuse, name calling, deflection, irrational justifications and straight up denial. Keep calm and carry on. The calmest person in the "conversation" is the one with the power. Challenge their ego and they will NOT remain calm. Stand tall and don't back down. 

The "incredulous look" works great too. Here's how to do it: Give them an unimpressed look filled with disbelief, dripping with judgment and condescension. And don't say a word. Maybe shake your head a little and roll your eyes, but DO NOT SPEAK. It's an absolutely LOVELY tool. And watching them stutter and fall on themselves through the rest of the "conversation" and watching their egos disintegrate is truly GOLD!  They will puff out their chests and continue to try and impress you anyway, trying desperately to reassert their self perceived superiority. The final blow is basically a "talk to the hand" maneuver, an eye roll, and then walking away. Maybe throw in an barely audible "Loser!"  there under your breath as you walk away. They'll still remain narcissistic, but they won't talk to you because you will be perceived by them as a lost cause and their fragile little egos couldn't bare to deal with that again.  

They aren't anything more than cowards and they do NOT like to have a critical "mirror" pointed at them so that they can actually see how they aren't what they claim to be. They don't really want to know what they really are. That's why they've created a world of their own: A bubble in which they live. It comes down to self preservation because they really can't face themselves, their shame, their shortcomings, their flaws, their inabilities, their need for constant affirmations, acceptance and approval.  Eventually, it will come to a point where they feel it is not longer worth it for them to try and convince you of their superiority and self centric greatness. Will it stop them from being an self loving / loathing / loving / loathing egomaniac? No. But at least you'll no longer have to deal with it as much.

Yup... Sound familiar? 

You're welcome.