Criticism was never constructive. It was actually the opposite of that. Like, nuclear holocaust type destructive. And what flickers of pride, dignity, hope, or sense of accomplishment that was left (if there was any) was stamped out, all in the hopes of making me a better and stronger person. To make me an over-achiever. To strive to be better... Yeah. I don't really get it either.... Nothing was ever good, nothing was ever done right, nothing was ever positive. It was all crap.
The funny thing about it all is that I know they thought it was wrong because when asked about how they raised me, they either avoid the question all together (especially when I'm around, although I DO start laughing hysterically) or say something to the effect of "With love and support..." which gets me laughing even harder. I know that they are embarrassed at the way they raised me and I point it out to them all the time. With love and support? Oh, REALLY! I have a laundry list of how it wasn't. Was my life with them ALWAYS awful? No. Especially when we were all out in public. It was happy and sweet and "perfect". I question it all now and whether it was just one of those "facade" things because we were out in public.
Sure, I have a few happy memories with my family, but they were oftentimes also followed up with some really NOT happy times, which makes them not so happy in the end I guess... Take for example graduation. They were there and yay, happy great. We took pictures with the family and we're all smiling and whatnot. We went out to dinner and great. Then I get told, "Well, we didn't think you were gonna graduate at all. You're not the smart one of the family and quite honestly, you didn't do THAT well..." Gee, thanks... I mean any kind of "accomplishment" was greeted with that kind of shit.
And if I did something wrong or I failed or something didn't go right? HOLY SMOKES! The ridicule and absolute humiliation that I was made to suffer, even for years afterwards would have driven a lesser person to suicide or at the very least a clocktower with a scoped out rifle and a whole shitload of ammo.... I like to point out this fact to them all the time when they try to give me "suggestions and pointers" as I raise my own children or try to step in and open their mouths. Ain't happening. And my parents are verbally slapped back into line and told to shut up.
On the one hand, it sucked to be here growing up. (I seriously AM still trying to sell my parents because I really don't want them. Any takers are welcome to contact me through any of the channels listed here on this blog!) And it's unfortunate that my circumstances and finances force me to have to stay here for now. On the other hand, it did teach me exactly how I DIDN'T want to raise my kids and how exactly NOT to do it. It gave me a lot of useful tools in the parenting toolbox of how NOT to treat my children. Just trying to make a positive out of a negative here. It's this new thing I'm trying.....
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