The future?????

I am a miserable wretch sometimes. I really can be. I have my moments and I sulk and I fret about my life, and the direction that my life is heading. I probably do so more often than most people think I should. Whether it be about the "fate that was written for me", or whether it was the paths that I took to get here in this point and time in my life, the decisions I have made, the roads that I have chosen, blah, blah, blah….. whatever you want to say:  Here I am. No forwards, no backwards, HERE.  Right here, right now. There are moments when I'm just raw, angry, ready and willing and possibly able depending on the scope of what was asked of me, but having nowhere to go, simply because I haven't an idea as to what the direction it is I am supposed to be heading. I mean, it's not like I am not grateful for all the things I have been blessed with. A good man to stand beside me through thick and thin or stand behind me when I need to to do battle on my own, or stand and shield me when I just can't. ALL of my children are healthy and happy and haven't a need in the world. But beyond my IMMEDIATE. I know that I have the rest in spades. But now what? Where do I go from here? This can't be ALL that's left. I can't imagine that riding on this wave is going to be the rest of my life. I can FEEL that there is something beyond this, but I don't know what.

I get that if we all knew what our lives were supposed to be, life really wouldn't be worth living. How could it possibly be worth anything if everything was spelled out for us and we knew EXACTLY what was going to come next? On the other side of that, being in  a limbo and NOT knowing what "forward" is, is rather frightening too. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's no winning,  is there? But then, is there something to lose or gain if ya don't gamble on it and just........ sit? UGH! INNER TURMOIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. It may appear to be that I am exposing something of a very raw and sensitive "vulnerable side". I'm pretty sure the there are plenty who would want to exploit that side and poke it with a sharp stick for their own amusement and sadistic pleasure because they are malicious pieces of shit, but…..  I have come to the realization that the opinions of those whom I hold in contempt really don't mean much and that those whose opinions I DO respect mean more to me than the noises in my head sometimes.  Those cowards wouldn't be able to expose their soft underbellies like this, the way I do, almost on a daily basis, and if they thought for a second that others might be watching and judging,  which  I KNOW those watchers and judgers are, I KNOW they wouldn't expose themselves like this. Must suck to keep up the facade……. 

So, what does "forward" really entail? Where exactly am I supposed to focus my attention? I mean, my children come first. They are my first priority. And then what? The thoughts that run through my mind beyond that become brain numbing. I'm not sure where it is I am supposed to go from there. I often ask myself, "What is my life about? What the fuck am I doing? Where the fuck do I go from here?" and the answers I give to myself are pretty vague and kind of stupid. And yet, the further I try too "see" into my own future, this vagueness and stupidity don't seem to be cutting it. It is becoming more obvious to me that I need to have a firmer plan about where it is that I want to end up in order to find the path to ultimately get me there. That part was easy: Knowing that I HAVE to do something to get to my ultimate destination. Actually KNOWING what it is that I have to do in order to get to my ultimate destination? Yeah…. No. Not so much. Fuck. So, now what?

Whether our fates were written for us by some supernatural being or whether it is that we make our own as we go along, life can be tough for those of us who aren't blessed with unbelievable luck and multi GOJILLION  dollars and endless "get out of jail free" cards and knowing certain people who happen to hold important jobs in important places, made some pact with some lower or even upper level demon for your eternal soul, and blah……. I'm an "average Joe", living a mediocre life, just barely scraping by, day to day, hand to mouth. I really doubt that will ever change. I mean, I really doubt that there will EVER come a change in my status there. Fact of life. Don't we all WISH for a better life and dream about winning billions of dollars in the power ball lottery or whatever? POOF! The reality? Yeah. Welcome back to it. Have a drink. I get it. It's okay. I'm still broke too. So are you.  But me? I'm also left wondering where my life is heading and what it's all about. There are some moments where I think I know, and yet an overwhelming majority of the time, I don't. Um...... YAY! Still doesn't help me much. 

Giving up isn't exactly in my nature. If given the choice, I'd rather fight tooth and nail, down and dirty, life or death, winner take all, loser gets nothing, and I will expose EVERY one of my enemy's weaknesses as I come to find them and make them more raw and sore than I am myself. I'll make them hurt more than I hurt myself. Bring a fight to my front door, I'll shove it back down their throats, ten fold. My loyalties only lie where I have drawn my lines.  I know where I stand and I know that the people whom I have included in my circle stand by me, regardless. It's a small circle, to be sure, but I think it's more about quality than quantity. And I know that those in my circle are more than willing to stand beside me and flay and lay to ruins, any foe who stands in my way, regardless of anything. Who could ask for anything more? Sorry. It's me.

Yeah. I still have no idea what my life is about. Where I'm heading, what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to get there.... 

So, it comes down to, "Where the fuck do I go from here?!?!?!?!!?"

The answer? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

How do I move forward from here?

STILL NO FUCKING IDEA. 

What I do know is that, in looking back, I have certainly come a LONG way. Much longer than most would give me credit for, but then, they've never really actually "walked a mile in my shoes" and I don't think they could have handled it anyway. It's actually longer and farther than I thought I could have come. In looking forward, Well.....  Faith can only take a person so far. The rest is up the whatever is left inside to launch someone to the next path forward I guess. What I need are the constitution and depth of faith to get me to where I need to be to get me to the next step.

I'll get there.