And of course, having watched many a movie, just to try and escape my day to day for a couple of hours, I have learned a couple of things, which I will now pass on to you, but with a little bit of a real life twist. Here's how to play:
1.) ANYTHING on a flatbed truck, ESPECIALLY when you're driving behind it as the "hero" in a high speed car chase, will come flying off and try to crush you. You must know how to drive at super high speeds, within the speed limit, while avoiding certain death. Just pass them as quickly as you can.
2.) You MUST walk away from any and all explosions in slow motion WITHOUT looking back behind you, no matter how cool you think the explosion might look. The chances of coming across an explosion are pretty rare, unless you're a terrorist. But then, if you were a terrorist, you'd blow up too, and there really is no walking away from that, is there....... I'll settle for just walking away from an auto-flush toilet in slow mo and try to look cool, even if I have a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
3.) The "damsel in distress" is an idiot. Seriously? He or she is a whore who will fuck you because you're gonna save them. He/ she most likely has herpes anyways. You could avoid the whole headache by leaving it alone and walking away, despite how big her boobies are or how pretty his face is. Just call the police and have them deal with it. The chances of coming across that kind of scenario is pretty slim too. No one wants you. Besides, that relationship will probably end badly anyway. Besides, the distressed individuals in my life are usually the kids and they either need more toilet paper or someone spilled something.
4.) You HAVE to have a cool catch phrase. A one liner that sums up your whole reason for being there. I have yet to come up with a COOL one myself, but I have been know, on occasions, to say things like, "What the fuck?", "You're such an ass tard!" and "Go pick a booger!" NOTHING like "We're gonna need a bigger boat..." or "THIS IS SPARTA!" or "You tell him I'm comin'..... AND HELL'S COMIN' WITH ME!!!!!!!!" I'm working on it. Most of the time, I really just look like I have no idea what the fuck is going on and I respond with a "Huh?". Yeah.... I need to work on that one.
5.) A signature stance. It seems all the cool action movie hero people have a signature stance and "look". The cool, slightly bladed "warrior stance" with a hardened "thousand-yard stare". I've got a "goofy smile" and I slouch..... I have to work on that too.
6.) The bad guy is ALWAYS going to pop up one more time even after you kill the ever loving shit out of him. Just have a weapon trained on him for when he pops back up. You can end that shit with a :blam blam blam: "HA HA HA!!!!! BOO YAH! JOKE'S ON YOU, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!! SUCK IT!!!!!" In my life, they're bugs and spiders. But they're HUGE, I swear! And pretty vicious!
7.) There is a certain coolness about the hero. A calm and collected demeanor and always ready with a super cool plan that always works out in the end. I'm too big a spaz, so.... Yeah, no.
8.) Cool clothes that ALWAYS seem to be in fashion and awesome tools and stuff. Yeah.... I'd have to say, "no" on that one too.
9.) Something super cool ALWAYS happens, launching a series of events that defy everything and leads to some sort of awesome adventure. I think the closest I got was potty training a child who was afraid of the toilet. The end result was awesome despite impossible odds, but I really don't think there was any danger of loss of life or limb. Maybe....
10.) SUPER COOL theme music and an AWESOME SOUNDTRACK! I have a constant soundtrack running in my head, but it's mostly songs that get stuck there. And RARELY is it a cool song. Most of the time, it ends up being some song from some stupid cartoon show that the kids were watching.
11.) A super cool list of super cool people, with super cool specialized skills, who know other super cool people, with super cool stuff to call upon to help you accomplish some kind of super cool mission. Meh. I like that I have Puppy Guts, good friends with awesome cooking skills and an extensive knowledge of good distilled spirits to hang out with anyway.
12.) When faced with a stressful situation, a creepy or scary or eerie soundtrack starts playing in my head. Monsters or zombies might pop out behind every corner and try to eat my brains. Most of the time, it's some random stranger who will give me a strange look as I cry out, "Back evil demon! Back to the blackness of the hell you came from!" and make a sign of the cross with my fingers...
I wouldn't make too much of a cool hero anyway. I'm really too much of a dork. Sure, I have pretty cool stuff happen in my day to day and I don't have too many complaints about my life. I'd much rather be able to escape into some Hollywood adventure or something every once in a while anyway. If you really get into it, the people in the movies or television shows have lives that are much more complicated and crazy than I could ever see happening in my life and I'd much rather be able to hit pause and walk away from THAT kind of drama. I have my own set of drama and "complications" on my life. Not that it's going to stop me from continuing to be an epic dork and "dun, dun, dun DAH.." the Mission: Impossible theme song while pushing a shopping cart through a crowded grocery store to get the stuff on my grocery list......
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