Dear Santa.....

This may have been a letter written by me when I was, like, five. Back before my "BAH HUMBUG!" feelings about the holidays began. It's not to say I was a terrible child, although my parents thought I was and reminded me every day of how disappointed they were in me and how I embarrassed them to no end quite often....

These days, my letters to Santa read more like, "Dear Santa. FUCK YOU! I'll buy my own shit, Thanks, ya judgmental fat bastard!"

:sigh: Whatever.

NOT kosher.

As with veganism, being kosher is obviously a lifestyle thing too. I am obviously NOT kosher. I am probably SO not kosher, I am the epitome of the OPPOSITE of kosher. And apparently, there are different degrees of kosher and there are some who may be TOO kosher for some kosher people and some who are not kosher enough for others. Ever notice the K in a circle on a package of food or a D or some other letter? Yup. The sign of a kosher product. The letters are an indication of the level of kosh-ocity. Kosher people wouldn't be able to eat food out of my kitchen because bacon has been made there. I mean, there are all different rule to this kosher thing. I'm so glad I'm not. Did you know that bacon is prohibited? Yeah. Fuck THAT shit. I'm thinking that perhaps, kosher is NOT a healthy way of life because there is no bacon involved. Just sayin'..... P.S. I still love my resident BFF Kosher Jew, Mitchie. Come to the dark side. We have bacon.

Career paths......

When I was five, I wanted to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything. Either that or a veterinarian. As I grew a little, I still wanted to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything. Either that or a fire fighter.

Then, through my teen years, even though I still wanted to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything, I decided to have a more realistic goal and become a  gojillionaire superstar of one variety or another. Either that or I was gonna join the army.

When I graduated high school and went off to college,  I still wanted to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything. But to be REALLY realistic, I was just hoping that I would be able to find a job that would pay me enough to allow me to sustain a decent lifestyle.

By the time I was done with THAT experiment, I  still wanted to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything. But I decided that instead of a career, I want a family first.

Yet another failed experiment. I came away with four great children whom I adore and an ex-husband, whom I don't. But I guess I'm luckier than most women in my shoes, because I actually found my soul mate after divorce. Oh well. Lesson learned. I suppose having had a crappy relationship with someone I didn't mesh with makes me appreciate more the great relationship I have now with someone I mesh with perfectly. And I  still want to be the undisputed, supreme royal highness, overlord of all and the absolute ruler of everything, but I don't see that position opening up any time soon and I don't exactly have the means to take over the world yet.

There is no doubt where I WANT to head and I have certainly taken the steps to get me on the path to get there. I guess that was the hardest step..... So, away I go!

Assault with a BREADLY weapon........

At the grocery store, I got assaulted. I got assaulted by an elderly woman. I got assaulted by an elderly woman with a loaf of bread. I got assaulted with a breadly weapon.

RYE, you may be asking, would I become a victim to such a crime? WHEAT could I have possibly done? Apparently, I was in her way. I felt CRUMBy about the whole incident afterwards. I will admit that the rest of my day was pretty much TOAST. I LOAFed around the house for the rest of the day. It wasn't exactly a SLICE of heaven. WHITE now, I have to say, the whole incident has been forgotten, but I still get kind of pissed about it. Don't BAGUETTE-ing upset on my account. I think I'm over it. As you can see, I am BAKING up tons of clever ways to joke about the whole incident. I'm RISING to the occasion. I'm DOUGHing my best to make light of it. I was going to take a picture of the old bat, but my cellphone only takes GRAINy photos. Besides, I KNEADed to get away from her before she hit me with anything else. I knew BUTTER than to stick around. YEASTerday is now immortalized in a blog post JAM packed with funny jokes. OVENtually, I will stop with these stupid jokes, but for the time being, I will continue. PAN you think of a better way to while away the time? Yes, I do believe the jokes are getting STALE now and I should probably stop. I thought I might end with a FLOURy poem of sorts, but I can't think of one now. I'm such a CUT UP! NOT TOASTED is the way I prefer my bread.

:shaking head: And I wonder why I don't have friends.....

Some more sound advice.....

I know that every once in a while, I have shared some insight into the mind of a woman for you guys out there..... Like THIS or THIS or THIS.... And don't get me wrong. That's some sound advice right there. I'm serious. It's that difference between the sexes and the different flavors that makes the whole "relationship" thing interesting. No?

I don't think that there is a person alive on the planet who doesn't want someone to agree with them. It's not just women. But to have a person agreeing with you ALL THE TIME? Kind of takes the spice out of life, don't you think? What's there to talk about if all you get is "Uh huh! Yeah! I totally agree!" ALL. THE. TIME.

It would probably drive me nuts. I mean, don't get me wrong. I would hate for there to be a conflict over everything all the times too. I am talking about that healthy balance INCLUDING agreements about the things that ARE important. Ya know? Women are crazy and kind of weird, but it's not as if though men don't come with their own set of weird quirks and insane logic and stupid shit either. Seriously.

I think what it really boils down to is respect. In ANY kind of relationship. I'm not just talking about one between a man and a woman. I am talking about ALL of them. Friends or family, besties or casual acquaintance, frenemies or out and out enemies, childhood friend to stranger. You know what I mean. Obviously, there is a certain amount of "respect" you give depending on the person, but respect is give and get. You want some? Give some. You get some? Give some back. It's all relative, but the same rule applies down the board and doesn't change.

Just sayin'.

Ouchies...... But kinda not really. I think....

So I ganked myself in the gum with my toothbrush again.... (No it gets worse/ funnier) So I get the liquid anbesol to put on the boo boo. I spill it all over the bathroom vanity because I left the bottle open and I knocked it over while applying the stuff onto the open gash on my gumline. I wiped it up, got it on my hand. FLABAMMO! Violent arm pit itch..... Now, my gum is numb, parts of my tongue are tingly and/ or numb and strangely, so is my arm pit..... And I smell like a dentist's office to boot. YAY ME!

Warning......

FACT: Not too many things induces panic like yelling "WASP!" and flailing your arms around, in a crowded elevator, right after the doors close. 

Words of advice: Don't actually try this. The result will be that a smartass (much like myself) will slap the holy bejesus out of you, yelling, "I GOT IT!!!!"

Math is MATH!

I SWEAR on all things holy, if I hear that "math is a journey" one more fucking time, I am going to lose my shit. Math is NOT a mother fucking journey. Getting to the answer is NOT more important than getting a correct answer. Math is a mother fucking constant. A universal language. No matter where you go, 1+1=2. And it's pretty obvious that someone understands the shit when they come to the correct answer.

Funny looking.....

So, I was going through old pictures and stuff and I came across one and thought, "Who the fuck is this funny looking kid? Bacon help me, but holy shit this kid is SERIOUSLY funny looking! Thank BACON no one else is here with me! They would think I was such a shit for saying so!"

The kid in the picture was me......

NOT farmer Mia.....

I have a brown thumb.... Started seed indoors, but I can't grow anything to save my life. I promised the kids that we would try to grow a garden in the yard so that they can "eat stuff out of the garden". I hope they like mud. :s

So much for that. 

What? Bacon OBSESSION?

I'm beginning to think that people think I have a bacon obsession..... I mean, I do and I LOVE bacon and pray to bacon and eat bacon and enjoy bacon and bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, but I didn't think I was being so baconly obvious. Because bacon. 

I bacon your baconly apologies that bacon, bacon bacon. Because if you baconly understood how bacony bacon bacon was, then you wouldn't really baconly be offended by the bacony baconness of baconosity. 

I don't baconly have a bacon issue at all. Bacon. 

Thankful....

I complain sometimes about my life. I'm not a gojillionaire, I don't have a rainbow unicorn or a pet velociraptor, that I miss my Puppy Guts when he's off at work, that weird shit happens in my life..... With that being said, I have a roof over my head, food on the table. My kids are happy and healthy, I have my Puppy Guts that I CAN say I miss. I have good friends and people I can call family. 

So, some time back, during the winter, I  bought a homeless (?) (not sure whether he was or not....) guy a whole roasted chicken while I was at the market. He was VERY grateful and thanked me A LOT. Weird how he was taken aback a little when I went to shake his hand and wish him well.... I guess he must not have gotten that kind of treatment often. His hands were freezing when I took them into my own. My only hopes were that the chicken warmed up his hands and filled his belly. I guess I AM  pretty thankful for the life I have.

It may be that I did something for that old guy, but he gave me something back that I didn't think I needed at the time, but in looking back, I really did. I needed that moment in my life. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but that moment gave me something more than what I gave to him that cold day. 

It's FINE!

Ahh.... The days of nervousness when I became a first time mom..... EVERYTHING was a cause for concern. Every sniffle, every cough, every minor little scrape or bruise..... The second time around, being a little more savvy, I didn't freak out as much over every little thing. The third time around, I probably didn't freak out as much as I probably should have when things went awry. Which leads me to my youngest and only little girl. If it's not gushing arterial blood, I'll tell her to rub some dirt on it and move along. Most often times, we avoid the drama and the screaming and crying, which is great, and she'll go back about her business. And looking back, I really should have been that way with all of my children. I HATE that there are some kids that will cry over ANY kind of slight ANYTHING. They whine about everything, they cry over anything and they mewl and make excuses and UGH! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

And the sad thing is, it really isn't the kid's fault. It's what their parents have made them. A result of allowing them to become whiny pansies. I mean, I can remember a time when my friends and I would go and play outside and unless there were broken bones, severe blood loss or some kind of unholy medical emergency, we would continue to play or fight or both and go home bloodied and bruised or whatever and be ready to do it again the next day. My parents didn't really "EEK!" over everything and that was it. Done. Any slight or whatever and it was "Suck it up! What the fuck is the big fucking deal?" It really helped me to be able to determine what WAS worth crying about. In watching my kids playing with others, it becomes so blatantly clear that although they have their moments, they aren't half as pansy sissy baby as the rest of the kids...... It's kind of cool. Raising kids ain't easy, but seeing that kind of shit really brings it home that it WAS worth every minute I spent at home and actively RAISING my children. YAY!

Mia, the COMIC BOOK CHARACTER!

A very talented friend of ours recently did a sketch of both Puppy Guts and myself, as comic book characters, just for the hell of it.

Now, if only I could get someone to make the ACTION FIGURES!!!!!! My life would be complete! Well, no. Not really. But it'd be cool as all get out!

And a THEME SONG! I need a theme song.... I mean, something other than "Wheels on the Bus" which I hear way too often in my head.

Happy Birthday Boogah!

My dear sweet Boogah,
A two year veteran of your teen age years, today you celebrate your 15th birthday. Holy CRAP the time flew by! How the heck did that happen?

Yes, I will continue to remind you how you kept me in labor for four days and stuff, but, to tell you the truth, I really don't remember too much of it. The second I actually held you in my arms for the first time, those memories were all gone, and it's been awesome ever since.

I know I screw up a lot and I know you get mad and think I'm a bitch and stuff, but know that I love you so much and I really am proud of the young man that you have become and I know that I will super proud of the man you will ultimately become. I hope you have a super great day.

I love you so much! Happy birthday Boogah! XOXOX

You JACKASS!!!

It brings me a little comfort to know that people can't actually hear the things I am saying about them in my head. Sure, I can plaster on the fake grin and carry on a conversation and all that other shit and act all civil, but the actual thoughts running through my mind? Thankfully, those will always stay private (unless I share them with my Puppy Guts or my friends or something...) Yeah, there certainly are people with whom I will speak my mind. No holds barred, right out on the table. I generally reserve that for the people whom I'm closest to because they deserve the absolute truth or people whom I hold in absolute contempt AND who have NO bearing in my life whatsoever. Yes, there are those few who I have to keep my mouth shut around and keep the deluge of thoughts to myself. There are times when I wish they could see passed the smile and read the thoughts, and others where I am thankful they don't....... :sigh: Small inner turmoil moment......

Parenting....

You haven't really reached the point where you've EARNED the title of "MOM" until you have actually had to reprimand your child because of some misdeed where they REALLY merited punishment and you end up feeling like shit because you had dole out.

It really is a wretched feeling. I mean, on the one hand, if I don't reprimand my child for doing something rotten, I'd feel like crap for really NOT doing my job as a parent. I get it... But seriously? Having to have to be the "heavy" and dealing with a situation that ultimately results in some kind of reprimand and punishment isn't exactly fun and games either. :s

Consistency... I know.... My kids never came with an instruction manual and I feel like I'm winging it most of the time, but my goals for them are simple, and "knowing right from wrong" and knowing that there are consequences for misdeeds is one I know is important, so I carry on. Doesn't make it easy though, but certainly worth it.

I hate when you go to work.....

My dearest Puppy Guts,
I can't even begin to tell you how much harder it is getting to watch you go off to work at night in order to serve and protect. I end up missing you terribly on those long nights when you are away. And of course, my stupid imagination will get the better of me when I can't get in touch with you on the phone....

Know that I am still proud to say that "I'm your girl" because of everything that you are and everything that you do, and it's a plus that you wear a pretty sexy uniform. ;)

I love you, always. XOXOX

Happy Birthday Moobah!

My dearest Moobah,
Today, you celebrate your 11th birthday. I celebrate the glorious 11 years that I have known you and watched you grow into the fine young man you are today. I have to say, these years went by in a flash! These years have been such a blessing, watching you grow and learn and become the person that you are today. I am looking forward to watching you grow into the man you will become!

I love you so much and I am so very proud of your accomplishments and everything that you are. Have a wonderful day! XOXOX

Get the FUCK away from me......

There are just certain people that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I'm not sure why it happens, but there is just something about them that makes me not want to be anywhere near them AT ALL. I'm not necessarily a social person, but I'm not so unsocial that I can't carry on among people. But there are just certain kinds of people that I just can't be around. I may not even know them, but something in the air around them or the way their particular energy vibrates around them or whatever makes my lip curl and I do everything in my power to NOT be near a particular person. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe they're a great person, super nice and whatever. Maybe they are some kind of super terrible asshole. I don't know. But SOMETHING.... :sigh:

Thankfully, it doesn't happen too often, but when it does..... Well, let's just say I'm trying to work on not feeling bad about it when it does happen.

WORK CAFFEINE!!!!!!!

There is nothing worse than the feeling of being tired, sucking back cup after cup of coffee or some other caffeinated beverage, waiting for them to kick in because you have a busy day ahead of you. I hate that drag ass feeling as I try to be productive despite the lack of the caffeine dump that allows me to do things at super human speeds. And worse is when I HEAR the bed calling me back into its warm embrace with promises of cushy comfy goodness and sweet dreams.....

I like to imagine that there is some great battle going on inside me, where the righteous knights of caffeinated goodness are fighting off the evil overlords of all that is dark and tiredness. Some EPIC war of biblical proportions, going on, to see who will win out and prevail. And then discovering whether the winning side will end up using their powers for good or evil. The battles are nothing short of a bloodbath, but only one side can win.

Yes, I know. And yes, I am always like this. And no, you would not be able to handle a peek inside my head. You'd be traumatized for life, with a possible need for permanent institutionalization at a nut house. Ugh.... WORK CAFFEINE!!!!!! WORK!!!!!!!!

So far......

We've gotten through a quarter of the year and so far? Meh. I'm not impressed. I mean, yes, there are things that have happened thus far that were fucking awesome, but I am talking about the general, all around everything. Meh.... I mean, I have come to the conclusion that  it is definitely time to make some changes when you ask yourself whether EVERY negative thing in your life happens, how often? And the answer is EVERY MOTHER FUCKING DAY AND SHIT SUCKING BAG OF SMASHED ASSHOLES NIGHT! 
Yeah..... Changes..... Here we go. WEEEEE!!!

Movies/TV and me.....

I don't know about a lot of you all out there, but sometimes, I like to spice up my own dreary life and play pretend. If it's the mundane task of cooking dinner, I pretend I'm on my own cooking show. I explain what I'm doing, while cussing up a storm and "throw some of this shit in there, and throw some of THAT shit in there and FLABAMMO! It's awesomeness with epic sprinkles!" Grocery shopping becomes a death defying scavenger hunt of Indiana Jones proportions. Driving around town becomes a super secret spy mission. Every little mundane task becomes something else or whatever else that my weird and wacky mind can come up with. Just for fun.....

And of course, having watched many a movie, just to try and escape my day to day for a couple of hours, I have learned a couple of things, which I will now pass on to you, but with a little bit of a real life twist. Here's how to play:

1.) ANYTHING on a flatbed truck, ESPECIALLY when you're driving behind it as the "hero" in a high speed car chase, will come flying off and try to crush you. You must know how to drive at super high speeds, within the speed limit, while avoiding certain death. Just pass them as quickly as you can.

2.) You MUST walk away from any and all explosions in slow motion WITHOUT looking back behind you, no matter how cool you think the explosion might look. The chances of coming across an explosion are pretty rare, unless you're a terrorist. But then, if you were a terrorist, you'd blow up too, and there really is no walking away from that, is there....... I'll settle for just walking away from an auto-flush toilet in slow mo and try to look cool, even if I have a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

3.) The "damsel in distress" is an idiot. Seriously? He or she is a whore who will fuck you because you're gonna save them. He/ she most likely has herpes anyways. You could avoid the whole headache by leaving it alone and walking away, despite how big her boobies are or how pretty his face is. Just call the police and have them deal with it. The chances of coming across that kind of scenario is pretty slim too. No one wants you. Besides, that relationship will probably end badly anyway. Besides, the distressed individuals in my life are usually the kids and they either need more toilet paper or someone spilled something.

4.) You HAVE to have a cool catch phrase. A one liner that sums up your whole reason for being there. I have yet to come up with a COOL one myself, but I have been know, on occasions, to say things like, "What the fuck?", "You're such an ass tard!" and "Go pick a booger!" NOTHING like "We're gonna need a bigger boat..." or "THIS IS SPARTA!" or "You tell him I'm comin'..... AND HELL'S COMIN' WITH ME!!!!!!!!" I'm working on it. Most of the time, I really just look like I have no idea what the fuck is going on and I respond with a "Huh?". Yeah.... I need to work on that one.

5.) A signature stance. It seems all the cool action movie hero people have a signature stance and "look". The cool, slightly bladed "warrior stance" with a hardened "thousand-yard stare". I've got a "goofy smile" and I slouch..... I have to work on that too.

6.) The bad guy is ALWAYS going to pop up one more time even after you kill the ever loving shit out of him. Just have a weapon trained on him for when he pops back up. You can end that shit with a :blam blam blam: "HA HA HA!!!!! BOO YAH! JOKE'S ON YOU, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!! SUCK IT!!!!!" In my life, they're bugs and spiders. But they're HUGE, I swear! And pretty vicious!

7.) There is a certain coolness about the hero. A calm and collected demeanor and always ready with a super cool plan that always works out in the end. I'm too big a spaz, so.... Yeah, no.

8.) Cool clothes that ALWAYS seem to be in fashion and awesome tools and stuff. Yeah.... I'd have to say, "no" on that one too.

9.) Something super cool ALWAYS happens, launching a series of events that defy everything and leads to some sort of awesome adventure. I think the closest I got was potty training a child who was afraid of the toilet. The end result was awesome despite impossible odds, but I really don't think there was any danger of loss of life or limb. Maybe....

10.) SUPER COOL theme music and an AWESOME SOUNDTRACK! I have a constant soundtrack running in my head, but it's mostly songs that get stuck there. And RARELY is it a cool song. Most of the time, it ends up being some song from some stupid cartoon show that the kids were watching.

11.) A super cool list of super cool people, with super cool specialized skills, who know other super cool people, with super cool stuff to call upon to help you accomplish some kind of super cool mission. Meh. I like that I have Puppy Guts, good friends with awesome cooking skills and an extensive knowledge of good distilled spirits to hang out with anyway.

12.) When faced with a stressful situation, a creepy or scary or eerie soundtrack starts playing in my head. Monsters or zombies might pop out behind every corner and try to eat my brains. Most of the time, it's some random stranger who will give me a strange look as I cry out, "Back evil demon! Back to the blackness of the hell you came from!" and make a sign of the cross with my fingers...

I wouldn't make too much of a cool hero anyway. I'm really too much of a dork. Sure, I have pretty cool stuff happen in my day to day and I don't have too many complaints about my life. I'd much rather be able to escape into some Hollywood adventure or something every once in a while anyway. If you really get into it, the people in the movies or television shows have lives that are much more complicated and crazy than I could ever see happening in my life and I'd much rather be able to hit pause and walk away from THAT kind of drama. I have my own set of drama and "complications" on my life. Not that it's going to stop me from continuing to be an epic dork and "dun, dun, dun DAH.." the Mission: Impossible theme song while pushing a shopping cart through a crowded grocery store to get the stuff on my grocery list......

Kids these days.....

I don't get it. I mean, I know I touched on this a little a few days ago, but I am still baffled by this strange phenomena. There was a time, way back before handheld electronic gizmos and shit, we had to use our imaginations and shit to entertain ourselves. It seems like those days are long gone for most of the children in this newest generation. What the fuck. I mean, I get that it's easy to hand a kid your iThing and let them play some mindless game of whatever, just to shut them up and all, but really? It saddens me to think that these kids won't really know what it's like to PLAY. They have their faces buried in some sort of handheld device as they sit and zombie out while engaging in a virtual world, not making connections with REAL people or their families, not using their imaginations, getting up and really exploring their environments or using their minds and imaginations to entertain themselves.

Quite honestly, the kids these days lack imagination and forethought and creativity and original thoughts. They just spew out whatever they are exposed to and that's it. They see something somewhere and they spew out the same ideas and they get rewarded as being creative. Um.... No. The television shows that they watch are all crap, and it bothers me that not too many parents are doing anything to prevent the dumbing down of the next generation because, well, quite honestly, they really can't be bothered. It's called LAZINESS people!

Make all the excuses you want and say that those "games" boost hand/ eye coordination, or "they're educational" or whatever the fuck. Going outside and PLAYING BASEBALL does the same thing in boosting hand/eye coordination and simply by being forced to THINK for themselves is "educational", except, they would be interacting with others and the REAL WORLD, being physical and feeding their minds with REAL "brain growers".

It scares me to see what this next generation is going to be.... Mindless drones and sheep, ready to follow orders and commands as we slip further down the rabbit hole..... FUCK! Not mine. Not on my watch.

Stuff.....

Saturdays are a day to try and get things done around the house that I wouldn't normally be able to do during the week. The kids have their chores, the bed sheets get washed, the beds get made for real, left over laundry gets done, school projects are done, going to the park, running around, cleaning rooms, blah, blah, blah..... Then there are the Saturdays when NONE of us are motivated to do anything. It generally happens on colder crappy days, but sometimes not. I think it's important to have those days too. You know... Having a sit around in jammies, eat whatever, do whatever, kind of day is called for every once in a while. Yeah.... I'm feeling that....

The future?????

I am a miserable wretch sometimes. I really can be. I have my moments and I sulk and I fret about my life, and the direction that my life is heading. I probably do so more often than most people think I should. Whether it be about the "fate that was written for me", or whether it was the paths that I took to get here in this point and time in my life, the decisions I have made, the roads that I have chosen, blah, blah, blah….. whatever you want to say:  Here I am. No forwards, no backwards, HERE.  Right here, right now. There are moments when I'm just raw, angry, ready and willing and possibly able depending on the scope of what was asked of me, but having nowhere to go, simply because I haven't an idea as to what the direction it is I am supposed to be heading. I mean, it's not like I am not grateful for all the things I have been blessed with. A good man to stand beside me through thick and thin or stand behind me when I need to to do battle on my own, or stand and shield me when I just can't. ALL of my children are healthy and happy and haven't a need in the world. But beyond my IMMEDIATE. I know that I have the rest in spades. But now what? Where do I go from here? This can't be ALL that's left. I can't imagine that riding on this wave is going to be the rest of my life. I can FEEL that there is something beyond this, but I don't know what.

I get that if we all knew what our lives were supposed to be, life really wouldn't be worth living. How could it possibly be worth anything if everything was spelled out for us and we knew EXACTLY what was going to come next? On the other side of that, being in  a limbo and NOT knowing what "forward" is, is rather frightening too. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's no winning,  is there? But then, is there something to lose or gain if ya don't gamble on it and just........ sit? UGH! INNER TURMOIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. It may appear to be that I am exposing something of a very raw and sensitive "vulnerable side". I'm pretty sure the there are plenty who would want to exploit that side and poke it with a sharp stick for their own amusement and sadistic pleasure because they are malicious pieces of shit, but…..  I have come to the realization that the opinions of those whom I hold in contempt really don't mean much and that those whose opinions I DO respect mean more to me than the noises in my head sometimes.  Those cowards wouldn't be able to expose their soft underbellies like this, the way I do, almost on a daily basis, and if they thought for a second that others might be watching and judging,  which  I KNOW those watchers and judgers are, I KNOW they wouldn't expose themselves like this. Must suck to keep up the facade……. 

So, what does "forward" really entail? Where exactly am I supposed to focus my attention? I mean, my children come first. They are my first priority. And then what? The thoughts that run through my mind beyond that become brain numbing. I'm not sure where it is I am supposed to go from there. I often ask myself, "What is my life about? What the fuck am I doing? Where the fuck do I go from here?" and the answers I give to myself are pretty vague and kind of stupid. And yet, the further I try too "see" into my own future, this vagueness and stupidity don't seem to be cutting it. It is becoming more obvious to me that I need to have a firmer plan about where it is that I want to end up in order to find the path to ultimately get me there. That part was easy: Knowing that I HAVE to do something to get to my ultimate destination. Actually KNOWING what it is that I have to do in order to get to my ultimate destination? Yeah…. No. Not so much. Fuck. So, now what?

Whether our fates were written for us by some supernatural being or whether it is that we make our own as we go along, life can be tough for those of us who aren't blessed with unbelievable luck and multi GOJILLION  dollars and endless "get out of jail free" cards and knowing certain people who happen to hold important jobs in important places, made some pact with some lower or even upper level demon for your eternal soul, and blah……. I'm an "average Joe", living a mediocre life, just barely scraping by, day to day, hand to mouth. I really doubt that will ever change. I mean, I really doubt that there will EVER come a change in my status there. Fact of life. Don't we all WISH for a better life and dream about winning billions of dollars in the power ball lottery or whatever? POOF! The reality? Yeah. Welcome back to it. Have a drink. I get it. It's okay. I'm still broke too. So are you.  But me? I'm also left wondering where my life is heading and what it's all about. There are some moments where I think I know, and yet an overwhelming majority of the time, I don't. Um...... YAY! Still doesn't help me much. 

Giving up isn't exactly in my nature. If given the choice, I'd rather fight tooth and nail, down and dirty, life or death, winner take all, loser gets nothing, and I will expose EVERY one of my enemy's weaknesses as I come to find them and make them more raw and sore than I am myself. I'll make them hurt more than I hurt myself. Bring a fight to my front door, I'll shove it back down their throats, ten fold. My loyalties only lie where I have drawn my lines.  I know where I stand and I know that the people whom I have included in my circle stand by me, regardless. It's a small circle, to be sure, but I think it's more about quality than quantity. And I know that those in my circle are more than willing to stand beside me and flay and lay to ruins, any foe who stands in my way, regardless of anything. Who could ask for anything more? Sorry. It's me.

Yeah. I still have no idea what my life is about. Where I'm heading, what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to get there.... 

So, it comes down to, "Where the fuck do I go from here?!?!?!?!!?"

The answer? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

How do I move forward from here?

STILL NO FUCKING IDEA. 

What I do know is that, in looking back, I have certainly come a LONG way. Much longer than most would give me credit for, but then, they've never really actually "walked a mile in my shoes" and I don't think they could have handled it anyway. It's actually longer and farther than I thought I could have come. In looking forward, Well.....  Faith can only take a person so far. The rest is up the whatever is left inside to launch someone to the next path forward I guess. What I need are the constitution and depth of faith to get me to where I need to be to get me to the next step.

I'll get there.  

The affects of children.

Being around children affect people in different ways. Some people are very uncomfortable around kids. (It really amuses me to watch those kinds of people near or around children. Their discomfort makes me laugh....) Others are pretty comfortable around children. It's also interesting to see how "well suited" certain people are to being around children and how well they interact with them.

With that being said, there are plenty of teachers in our public schools, far too many of them, in my opinion, that really aren't suited for the task of teaching our children. I'm not quite sure whether it's because they hate their jobs or because they hate children or that they know it's a job where they have weekends and holidays off, and a nice long summer vacation with benefits and shit, or what, but there they are, drawing a salary being funded by the tax payers, while they take up space and sit and be useless.

All the while, the children are forced to take standardized tests, that really don't prove anything, and they are drawn away from the regular curriculums in order to get ready for these stupid, meaningless tests. Seriously? And what of the tests that those teaching our children? Why can't we test the fuck out of the teachers to see whether they are CAPABLE to teach our kids? Whether they are capable of doing so (WELL) and in a manner that is befitting their environments, i.e. around children of whatever age group....

I have come across, in the schools around here, FAR TOO OFTEN, "teachers" who just shouldn't be in an environment around children. Honestly. It sickens me. They really haven't a clue how to "handle children" and they are far too interested in making numbers and covering their asses and hiding behind policies and shit to really give a shit about what is most important. The children. Their educations. Their futures.... I would think that during the 7 or so hours we send them away, more people would question what the fuck is going on when our kids are away from us.

Naturally, we would LIKE to think that they are safe, they are taken care of, that their needs are being met and that their minds are being prepped for the next stage of their lives and beyond, but the sad reality is, it's not happening. Sure, there are those phenomenal teachers out there. Treasures, as it were, whom the kids will look back on some years from now and be able to say, "He / she was the best teacher I ever had EVER!!!!!" What I find to be so sad about this is the fact that it doesn't happen as often as it should. And sadder still is that BECAUSE it is our kids, shouldn't THAT be the standard for ALL the teachers in our school systems teaching our kids, striving to be the best teachers that any child will ever have?

Yeah.... Never thought I'd be the type to give this kind of shit any thought, but I suppose that all ended for me the first second I became a mom....

Fine. Rant over..... Just some food for thought really.....

Imagination....

I can't even begin to imagine a childhood that didn't involve some kind of imagined "adventure" of one sort or another. I can't picture a child who doesn't have some sort of "imagination" that helps them to play pretend or whatever. Watching as children play pretend is just the most fun thing to see. It amuses me to no end.

Which brings me to grown ups who try to squash those very thigns in children. What the fuck? Children express themselves through play and are able to understand the world around them through expressive play. They are able to reconcile their daily lives through playing. And with imagination, they learn to become thinkers. They become innovators and inventors. They learn to think outside the box and become leaders instead of followers. It's very important to nurture a child's creativity and imagination by supplying them with whatever in order to spark more of their creativities and imaginations. I'm not talking about electronic gizmos of every variety and crap, but boxes and crayons and dolls and styrofoam shapes and bubble wrap and cotton balls and shit like that.

What the fuck is up now a days? I see far too many slack jawed kids, as young as toddlers, whiling away their time, eyes glazed over, staring into the screen of some brain numbing, IQ point sucking electronic device.... And I have to be honest, it freaks me out. I am NOT going to hear that "it's an educational game" either. They can learn things better by actually engaging in the REAL WORLD and interacting with REAL PEOPLE, but I get that's just the laziness on the part of the parent who, to buy themselves a few moments to a few HOURS of peace, will buy some over priced piece of crap zombie box and give it to their kids so their children would become otherwise engaged in something quiet and keeps them out of the way. Pathetic. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PEOPLE HAVE KIDS TO BEGIN WITH??!?!?!?!?!?

And we seriously wonder what the fuck is happening to our children? "Bullying behavior", "attentional difficulties", fighting, slippages in grades..... Are you fucking serious? Kids are starting to forget how to deal with reality. Their attentions are focused on when they can get their next fix on their iDevices and other electronic gizmos that they really never needed. They have no idea how to interact with things or people in a real life scenario because their whole lives are spent on a virtual level on some stupid handheld device. And then for a parent to blame the schools (which I KNOW have their OWN SET OF negative issues, I get it), or the other parent (I mean, it must be the other parent because there's NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU could be doing something wrong.... Pfft!), or society ("They must have learned it on TV! Look what's going on in the world around them! Even in their schools!"). And then it's "OH MY GOD! It's depression! It's anxiety! They need to see a professional and talk their feelings out!" You're all a bunch of fucking idiots.

I refuse to allow my children to become followers. They get enough of that crap in school. Don't let the "system" fool you. They are only trying to create the next generation of sheep to lead to slaughter. The best way to arm the children is give them the means for them to be able to think for themselves. It starts by turning off the television and the electronic devices and actually have them use their minds and actually think for themselves. Just sayin'.......

Crap! Now I remember......

Without fail, I will always remember the things that I needed to do once my head hits the pillow. My days will start off with random lists of things to do. I'll remember something else that I'd want to get done. Then, the overconfident, "I don't need to write it down, I'll remember that!", then the "Crap! I think I'm forgetting something..." moment when I've done everything that IS on the list. I'll get slammed with the nagging feeling that I forgot to do something and then FLABAMMO! Get in bed and it's, "OH SHIT!!!!!" It's a pretty magical feeling. :s

April Fools.....

Probably one of my less favored holidays simply because it's basically THE "liar liar pants on fire" holiday. I wouldn't even really call it a holiday..... It's just another day, but here it is..... I don't like going out on this day because there's usually always that ONE fucking asshole who thinks it's a fun day to fuck with people. And me, being on HEIGHTENED awareness..... Well, I'm pretty surprised I haven't knocked somebody out or something by now. I've taken a swing, yes. I mean, when you have people who think it's funny to startle random people for their amusement.... Well, eventually, someone isn't going to react with startling and laughing nervously..... Eventually, they're going to come across someone who is going to hit back or shoot. NOT cool. Just sayin'.....