New Years Eve 2012

We come to the last few moments of this year and in looking back, it as one heck of a year. Not in a stellar kind of way, but still filled with a lot of pretty cool shit. Another year, come and gone and though some things remain the same, I feel different. Some changes are in the works for this coming year and I'm rather excited about them all. I've gotten over the holiday bump and what's left is greeting a brand new year. My Puppy Guts and I will be doing so from the comfort of our home, with our children under our roof, and celebrating quietly before retiring into the bedroom to make fireworks of our own. The best way to end an old year and begin a new year, in my opinion.
Have a safe and happy new year, all!

Fake Christmas 2012

All six of the children in our tribe awoke on "Fake Christmas" morning to a hearty brekkies, then we all dressed up in our matching Christmas jammies to take the family portraits before we unleashed the children onto the presents under the tree.....

Tiring? Perhaps a little. Frustrating? Eh... Insane? Yeah, I guess...  But in truth, there's no place else I'd have rather been, and of course with My Puppy Guts beside me, there's nothing that we couldn't have handled.  I couldn't imagine being able to do this with anyone else but him. We're constantly getting asked, "How do you manage it?" Well, it isn't all the time that we have all six under the same roof and it's not really a "management" thing really. Sure there are times when we want to rip our hair out, but it's well worth it and everything ends up going smoothly in the end. It makes for the greatest of memories. Awesomeness!

I PRAY to bacon.....

As we edged EVER SO CLOSELY to the end of this holiday nightmare thing...... People got crazier by the minute. I had gotten all of the things that I wanted to get done, accomplished, but seriously? My every day errands had become dangerous missions. I was armed to the teeth every time I went out, I refused to bring my kids into any of it, and my mood darkened with every passing moment. I swear, people were getting more retarded and it took every ounce of willpower NOT to backhand them and tell them to calm their tits. Grrrr.......... 

So, being the beloved asshole that I am, I present to you: What makes me an asshole, reason #512: 

Well, my first mistake was going to the store on a Saturday afternoon, a couple of weeks before Christmas. Alright.... Fine. I'll admit it. It was stupid. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. In my defense, I usually have all of my grocery shopping done in the morning, but with life happening, I didn't have the time that day. Still..... Stupid. 

Anyway, I get to the aisle where they have those stupid stuffed animals that have the buttons, and when you push the stupid button, it starts singing stupid Christmas songs. Well, there was a little kid, probably about four years old, with his mom standing there, and he was pushing the button and dancing to the music. Every time it stopped, he would push the button again and go back to dancing. A happy little kid, not bothering anyone, having fun, not whining and complaining about anything. Just minding his own business and having the time of his life. I couldn't help but watch and smile. Not too many things brings a smile to my mug during the holiday season, but I have to admit, watching this kid, I couldn't help myself.

CUTENESS ALERT: So, the little kid saw me watching him and he asked me, "Do you want to dance with me?" So, being the sucker for little kids that I am, I said, "SURE!" He pushed the button, we danced and YAY! He thanked me for dancing with him, and I thanked him back. Mom was smiling. AWESOME! A nice little moment shared by strangers. It doesn't randomly happen like that too often in life. 

I went to go back about my business, the kid went to go back about his and went to push the button again and some DOUCHEBAG started yelling at the poor kid. "STOP FUCKING PUSHING THE BUTTON! IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!" I made IMMEDIATE eye contact with the ass hat and I deliberately put my finger out and pushed the button myself. And kept eye contact with him as I danced away like an idiot. I was not about to break eye contact with this guy, and without doing so, when the music stopped, I put my finger out again, and pushed the button a second time and started dancing. The wondertard huffed and stormed away. 

It was ON right then and there. I popped one of those toys into my cart and dammit, EVERY TIME I saw the guy in a different aisle, I pushed the fucking button. When I was done with my grocery shopping, I purchased the stupid snowman, paid cash for it, (worth every cent of the $9.99 plus tax that I paid for the thing at that point) threw it into a bag along with the receipt, found the kid and his mom and handed the kid the bag and said, "Merry Christmas, kiddo! Thanks for dancing with me!" He peered into the bag and was ecstatic. My good deed for the day was done.

No, the thing that made me an asshole on that occasion wasn't that I willfully annoyed the shit out of some douchebag twat waffle. THAT was just icing. What made me an asshole was that I sent this kid home with a noise making toy that he obviously enjoyed and would be pushing the button of, MANY times, and it would surely drive his mom absolutely bat shit. Totally worth it.

Yup... ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey:: :quarter turn: ::grand sweep of arm and curtsey::  THANK YOU ALL!!!!  :takes bow:  Yes! I'M AN ASSHOLE!!! THANK YOU! I'M OUT!!  :drops microphone and walks off stage: 

OH YEAH!!!!!

We all have that one friend that comes up with the craziest of ideas. They get very excited about what it is they're planning and telling you about it and you have a moment where you think, "It's CRAZY! But GENIUS!!!!!"


Oh..... I'M that friend..... Right. Friends to help me with my plans are great, but what I REALLY need are some mutant minions.....

Ahh.... Words.....

I have a pretty decent vocabulary. I try to sound reasonably intelligent when I speak, for the most part. But sometimes a fuck word riddled rant is in order and without the fuck word, that rant would lose the very essence of what it's supposed to be. I mean, just because I use the fuck word often, doesn't make me an unintelligent neanderthal. Honestly. I don't think I sound like one either. I think I just sound like an individual who has a decent vocabulary that likes to use the fuck word a lot. Fucktards!

HA HA!!!!! I SURVIVED!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!! CHRISTMAS IS OVER BABY!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT! SHIT YEAH! FUCKIN' A! Don't gotta worry about or deal with this shit for another mother fuckin' year!!!!!! Go out to your day after Christmas sales, assholes.  After this, it's back to business as usually dealing with NOT holiday crazy assholes. FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YEAH BABY!!!!!! SUCK ON THAT SHIT!!!!!! GO HOME, CHRISTMAS GAY ASS FUCKING STUPID HOLIDAY!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!

Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas, I guess, then. Pfft. If you're in to that kind of stuff..... Whatever. Bah humbug!

From us and all of ours to you and all of yours, Merry Christmas. You know.... Whatever.

Christmas Eve 2012

Well, I guess despite my trying to keep Christmas from coming this year, it seems I failed again..... :s

Oh well.... At least I get to eat some tasty noms.  My Bah Humbuggery continues..... Just pass the food.

Fake Christmas Eve 2012....

Tonight we gather our tribe together and celebrate our "Fake Christmas" and decorate the tree, drink cocoa, watch Christmas themed movies, make Christmas themed arts and crafts, eat "Fake Christmas Eve" noms and send the kids off to bed with the happy thought of "PRESENTS IN THE MORNING! ....Um...... Again!" And all six kids are saying, "YAY! MULTIPLE CHRISTMASES!!!!!!" We'll do portraits and breakfast and that "holiday cheer" shit. We'll put together toys and have to dig through the trash for that "missing piece" of something. Puppy Guts and I will consume mass quantities of coffee and start resonating at high frequencies just to get through the day..... It's gonna be awesome.

I guess not.....

Well, I guess there was still some more tomorrows left. Well, seeing as how we're all back here, I guess it wasn't the end of the world...... Carry on then!

The End of Days?

Today is the day that the Mayan calendar predicted that the world would come to an end... Um..... So, I wonder if it's gonna happen or what.... I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out and stuff.

Almost......

My daily mantra is, "It's almost over..... It's almost over..... It's almost over...." and yet the time still doesn't seem to be going by any faster than the day before.... PLEASE for the love of bacon, I just want this all to be over. If we could just skip to the good stuff, which is just the food portion, and move onto the consuming of the leftovers, that'd be fucking awesome. The rate at which this living hell is creeping along is starting to take it's toll on me and my sanity. This holiday crap is really bugging the crap out of me. I need a fast forward button so that I can just get to the food portion of this time of year and just skip over the rest. :s

Hibernating would be nice. And then just being able to say, "Wake me when it's over and slide me a plate of food when you do..."

Christmas Mail......

I hate getting Christmas mail from people that I don't particularly like. Seriously? The only time I ever hear from these people is at Christmas time and that's about it. I don't care that X child learned how to lick the lint out of his toes or whatever inane banter that these people put into their holiday letters.... Haven't they gotten the hint that because I haven't made any efforts to contact or send them anything that maybe I don't want to hear from them?

Is it some stupid need to feel like they have people to reach out to or whatever other sad pathetic thing that makes these people do it? Is it some year end guilt something that makes them do it? I don't know. It all seems retarded to me.


I Hate the fuckin' holidays.

Family Portraits.....

We always do our "family portraits" around this time of the year so that we can send along pictures to our family and friends. The expectations of said portraits are never quite the same as the reality though, which is the reason why we make sure that we capture the "reality" of our family simply because it says a lot about the kind of peope that we all are. There used to be a time when the "family portrait" had to be perfect and everybody had to be smiling and looking at the camera and yay! Picture perfect family moment! <GAG!> It would take forever to get that one shot and really? It wasn't really worth it if you ask me. I'd much rather have a "true to life" moment captured that really shows the character of each of the individuals in the pictures that we take. The kids all being who they are, My Puppy Guts being his goofy self and me being mine. That's what a REAL picture perfect moment is. Capturing a true to life REAL moment that when we look back on it, you can really think, "I remember that shit! And this picture is so like everybody!" Fun times.

Almost over......

The holiday season continues and I think I'm getting grumpier and grumpier by the second now..... The clock ticks by ever so slowly and it seems like this time of year is NEVER going to end.... I can't stand the Christmas songs and fake cheer and lights and decorations. EVERYTHING smells like pine and cinnamon. Every time I'm exposed to it, I think I'm going to throw up. It feels like there is just no end in sight. I can't wait for all of this shit to be over and stuff.... Grrrrr.

Another of My Non-Abilities.....

I can't sing. I can't dance. What I also can't do is draw. I have some VERY awesome ideas constantly popping up in my head. They are vivd and bright and detailed and in technicolor amazing! But alas, there they will remain forever trapped in my mind, never to be seen by another because there really is no way of getting it from where it lays in my head to out there to share with the rest of the world. Oh well.... I guess some things were never meant to be shared with the rest of the world. Shame....

12/14/2012.....

Who hasn't heard by now, what happened..... A small little town, rocked by a senseless tragedy. And right in my "own backyard". It's kind of surreal at best. Sure, I could have posted one of the many pictures of the parents crying as they were desperately trying to call SOMEONE to give them information about their children on their cell phones or a picture of the children coming out of the school, gripping onto the back of the shirt of the classmate in front of them, crying, confused, scared. I could have..... But would the impact have been any different? At the end of the day, 26 innocent lives were snuffed out, twenty of whom which were children. And of course, the gunman himself made the 27th death. The coward ended his own life. It brings me no amount of peace.

The 20 year old Adam Lanza, with malicious intent, went into an elementary school after he killed his mom, a teacher at Sandy Hook, and took out 20 children, and six other adults, before killing himself. I'm not sure why he couldn't have just started with himself. Then there are questions about some others that he may or may not have killed BEFORE he went to the school..... Something about his girlfriend and her friend or some shit..... I'm sure the media is going to be all abuzz about this "latest event". Politicians have already extended their condolences and blah, blah, blah....... AGENDA TIME!!!!

Wait for it. It's coming. Gun control laws and the call for disarming the private sector. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..... I am sick with grief over this. And seriously? By disarming the "private sector" we are literally going to be creating MORE killing boxes for maniacs like this. If ONE ADULT had been carrying a firearm, well, yes. We still would have had a "tragedy" on our hands, but I doubt it would have been to this extent. Carrying a firearm in a school is a felony. "No gun zones"...... Yeah. I get it.... Actually, no I don't. What the fuck is up with that? Maybe I'm not comfortable with the fact that there AREN'T armed AND TRAINED "citizens" in the schools where my children attend. This tragedy could have been anywhere, at any school, in any town.....

I'm sure that this incident is going to spark quite a bit of all sorts of debates. Meanwhile, our kids are sitting ducks in schools in quiet little towns, just like Newtown, population 27,560..... Well, less 26 souls and one soulless bastard... My condolences and prayers to those families who lost a loved one. My thoughts and prayers to the first responders who will probably be changed forever by what they had to see. And my thoughts and prayers to the children and staff at Sandy Hook Elementary school who will, no doubt, forever be affected by this tragedy.

I ask y'all to take a moment of silence, please.

Then Don't Ask.....

I don't get why some people, knowing full damn well who and what I am and how I don't sugar coat shit, ask me for my opinion about something and then get pissed of when they get the answer. ESPECIALLY, when they ask me to be honest. Seriously? Why the fuck would you ask me? It's not as if though these people doing the asking don't realize that I'm an abrasive, potty mouthed bitch with opinions out the wazoo about everything under the sun and am not afraid to voice them..... And yet they ask and get offended by my answer anyway. You know what? Fuck yourselves. When I know it's coming and I know what the end result is going to be, that's gonna be my answer from now on. "Go fuck yourself."

The Future......

One of the noblest things that one can do for their child is to leave some kind of legacy behind for their children. Something that they can take with them on their own journeys through life and perhaps share with their own children and their children's children..... I really think that making sure that they don't lose touch with their "inner child" is one of those "things".

I'm not talking about those man-boys, who live at home with their moms in the basement, playing video games and eating cheesey poofs and pizza rolls all day. We should teach our kids to be good people. To have values and be ethical and responsible and trustworthy and true. They should know to have morals and have compassion and sympathy. To grow up and be someone that all others will look up to and admire. Those are all VERY true. But I also think that it's important for children to hold onto the "childish" things and think "outside the box" the way most children do, where imagination and dreams are a big chunk of the thing that makes them who they are.

The way things are going right now, I have to say, I am rather afraid of what the future holds. Kids now a days are rude and whiny and cowardly and absolutely something to punch in the face! They have excuses for everything, they have no direction, nothing to look up to or strive for..... And these are the individuals who will someday be "inheriting the world" so to speak. It really frightens me.

I can say that there are a handful of other parents, whom, like myself, hold our children to a higher standard and are swimming into the current, while we battle the rest of the world, all while shielding our children from what they rest of them are turning their children into. Whiny, cowardly, spoiled, sissy, pansy assed pieces of shit who expect everything to be handed to them. The "the world revolves around me, as I am the high and mighty" attitudes and their bully behaviors. Unfounded superiority complexes. It's a difficult thing to fight and avoid when that's what my children are exposed to all the time. Between what they see on television, are exposed to in school by their schoolmates, news, media...... I mean, it's an easy way of life and it's a very slippery slope. No responsibility, no morals, no anything difficult. It just is. It's easy. It's simple. Of course, that makes me a stick in the mud because I refuse to let them get away with that kind of shitty behavior. I DO hold them to a higher standard, where there are rules and schedules and responsibilities....... I expect more from them. I expect them NOT to be a part of that mainstream crap.

I can only hope that someday soon, they will "get" what I've been doing all along here. It seems rather hopeless and daunting a task now, not that I'm going to veer off my forward path here, but I have my beliefs that regardless of what's going on around them, the lessons that I have been pounding into their heads will sink in and they will become the ones who make REAL changes to what's going on. Until then........

Waste of Time.....

I used to hang out with people that I didn't particularly like. It often made me wonder why the fuck I kept on doing it, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it was some masochistic need to fit in with people that may or may not have liked me, but I felt some need to please them anyway. Maybe I was just stupid. I don't know. But there you have it.

I never really understood REAL friendship until I actually had it. I suppose that's true of most people. I am not talking about those friendships of convenience, but REAL friendship. The kind of friends that help you move...... the body. The kind of friends who call..... the bail bondsman as they sit cuffed next to you. The kind of friends who will skip along next to you chanting "Someone's gonna get it..." when the shit hits the fan. The kind of friends that will have your back and not talk behind it. The kind of friends who are up front and brutally honest, ESPECIALLY when you don't want to hear the truth. I get that now.

It still boggles my mind that I wasted so much of my time trying to please people that really ended up not meaning a whole hell of a lot to me. People whom I really didn't care for, but sort of "was stuck with" for lack of a better term. Pretending to be someone or something that I wasn't in order to please those around me, all the while, resenting myself for it and despising the ever loving shit out of these people I found myself surrounded by. All that time wasted! And then to have met people who I say, "Jeez! I wish we had been friends since forever ago!"

Lesson learned though. :)

The Joys of Parenthood...

Parenthood isn't all fun filled cuteness. Sometimes it's kinda gross and stinky, other times it can be downright frustrating and trying, but it is the single most rewarding experience. EVER.

Back before I had kids, I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I mean, changing diapers and spitting up and puke and snot and drool and piss and shit and crap and all sorts of other bodily fluids and the endless hours and the insanity and chaos that's depicted in the movies of new parents and their babies..... GAAAAH!!!!!

But now, I kind of look at it and it's like, "Meh..... I've touched worse." or "Pfft! I've been through worse..." and it just doesn't seem like such a big deal. It means nothing to me to use my shirt to wipe a kid's nose or whatever. It's not that big a deal cleaning up a pile of puke or changing a blown out diaper. I can get it all done with a "bring it on!" attitude. And the kids never really know to appreciate those things. I mean, that's as it should be.....

I can't even begin to say how many times I've cleaned all sorts of stuff out of carpet and clothes and tile and sink drains, especially during a particularly bad flu season, and the kids have seen me take it all in stride. And no, it's not like I'd love doing that or whatever. I would much rather have seen my kids feeling 100% and not being sick, but the last of their concerns at that point should be, "I'm sorry you have to clean that up..... :( "

It all comes together when that morning comes and my children wake up feeling like they could take on Mike Tyson and the "YAY I FEEL BETTER!!!!" smile is plastered onto their little mugs.... ::sigh:: It feels good.

Until FLABAMMO! I get hit with the flu..... Meh. If that's the price I have to pay, I'm eager to do it.

Really?

Living with my parents is a nightmare. I have my quirks, but they have theirs too. I don't get their use of food and why they have to use MINE. They have their shelves for their stuff, the kids and I have ours. WE are not allowed to go into their stash of shit, but they feel free to dive right into our shit. And they NEVER let a body know when they've used up the last of anything of ours.... :S A list of the things that piss me off:

The carton of milk with A SIP left in it. Because that last sip would have been too much....

The box of cereal with just cereal dust in it..... Because we don't want to be wasteful.....

That ONE LAST INGREDIENT that I needed to make something for supper, and NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL ME THAT THEY USED THE LAST OF IT!!!!!!!

What is the fucking point of leaving an empty container of something in the cabinet? A sad, pathetic reminder that I'm gonna need to go out and get more? WTF?!?!?!?

Don't rearrange my stuff. I portion out meals, and budget things and have them arranged in a way that I am ready to make meals as we need them. I just go, get the stuff I need, and go about my business. But when I have a stubborn moron who insists that I'm stocking the cabinet, MY cabinet, incorrectly and "does it for me"....... FUCK!!!!!

And DON'T go out and buy shit that I don't want and put it in with my shit. There is a reason WHY I don't keep the sodas and cookies and candy and all that other shit around. I HATE that I don't have a say in what my kids get fed when they aren't with me. Instant crap and god only knows what else. But when they ARE with my, I like to make sure that they are eating fresh and they are eating well and that they are eating properly portioned meals. I fucking hate that my parents like to undermine my nutritional goals for MY children. Thankfully, THAT doesn't happen any more though. A tirade of biblical proportions took care of THAT shit.

MY BACON..... Let me tell you about MY BACON. It's no secret that I LOVE BACON. I cook it up and carefully wrap each individual strip, lovingly in a paper towel and keep MY BACON cooked and ready to go on MY SHELF in the fridge. I can't tell you how disappointing it is, when I go into the fridge for a piece of heavenly deliciousness, where it feels like angels and unicorns are prancing around in a rainbow magical world, and tasty yumminess kisses my every tastebud with mouthgasmic delight, only to discover that someone ate it all. FUCK!!!!! Those fucking BASTARDS!!!!!

The same is true for the kids' "treats" like frozen fruit pops or fruit juice icy treats or some other concoction they come up with..... By the time dessert rolls around..... GONE. :(

Ugh..... Order up! A plate of disappointment with a heaping side order of frustration! ::DING::

Over Thinking......

I over think certain things. A lot. Like when I'm writing or planning something.... What starts off as something that might be a good idea can quickly turn into either a gigantic todo or an enormous fuck up in a matter of minutes. Something simple and easy will turn into a something complicated and enormous. Something quick and spontaneous will turn into some kind of spectacular affair.... Sometimes it works out well. Other times, not so much.

I never really know when it's going to be a hit or when it's going to be a miss, but I will always give the attempts anyway, knowing full damn well that it might be a huge fuck up. But I like knowing that I gave all and went "above and beyond", because the times when it DOES work out and things DO go according to all my intricate and detailed, overly thought out plans, it turns out to be something that is unforgettable. Which is awesome. I think that my successes have FAR outweighed my disasters anyway...... As we approach the holidays........ :O

Mama Bear....

Nothing can piss a woman off quicker than if you mess with her kids. Or at least that's the way it should be. I am not talking about making excuses for your kids when they fuck up or blaming others for their crappy behavior. Those type of people are truly worthy of my contempt. Their parenting rights and privileges should have been stripped and their children taken away from them and placed in more suitable home a long time ago.

Think about it. We are living in a society where instead of kids seeing repercussions for their crappy actions and behaviors, they have their parents blaming the schools, the media, their peers, whatever. They blame everyone but themselves for raising an insolent, spoiled little shit nor do they blame the little shits themselves for the bad behaviors. What the fuck? Then, when you add on top of it, school's whose administrators don't really want to DO anything..... I swear on all things holy, there are SO many "staff members" who need to explain AND SHOW WHY they should have a tax payer funded job.... They're absolute useless tits who don't DO anything except make excuses and feebly try to justify their existences in the school.

I get calls from the school from time to time. The school is so eager to pin the rap on SOMEONE, that instead of going through a process, they've already got someone in mind to blame and that's it! All so that they can type up their fucking reports and sweep the whole incident under the rug and be done with it.  Lovely....

They don't like to call me much. I get my kid's part of the story, his reactions to how the school dealt with things and even the way the teacher treated him. And I ALWAYS end up confronting them at the school. They always get both barrels and they don't intimidate me with their stupid "jargon" and empty threats. I laugh at their attempts and roll my eyes quite a bit while in meetings with them. They don't like me. But it also ensures that they're not calling me for every petty little something or another either. Ugh..... My kid's school sucks ass.

Fitness Videos.....

Fitness videos? I don't get it. Seriously? Isn't it kinda obvious that all you really have to do is get up off your ass and go DO something? Resistance training, strength training, that kind of shit..... With a video, you're not being taught proper form or anything so therefore, does it really do anything for you? I mean, if you end up doing it wrong, does it really work? Are you ending up hurting yourself? It never really made a whole lot of sense to me. Watching some impossibly fit very smily, very chipper chickie poo bopping around and saying things that are "motivating" and all I wanna do is punch her in the face.

I get that there are different methods to get fit and shit like that, but the reality of it is, the only thing you really have to do is put down the Twinkie and the bag of cheesey poofs and get up off your ass. It should be common knowledge that processed sugars and foods are really that good for you, living out of the microwave with a bagful of easy isn't really as nutritionally complete and as healthy as the ads say it is and that maybe perhaps having a pantry full of junk food and candy and other crap ISN'T such a good idea. And it's really pathetic to think that people need a "fitness video" in order to find their fitness. Seriously. A good portion of the people buying those videos are NOT the ones who look like the chipper chippies in the video.

More fucking retardation, courtesy of the unthinking SHEEPLE in our society. Yes, because fitness can be taught in a video....... :s

XTREME Games....

Sitting around with friends playing board games is fun..... When you're, like, four...... But if you were to change around the rules and make it more extreme and alcohol is involved and you make the shit more intense, THAT'S FUN!!! I mean "Shit just got REAL!" kind of stuff. For example... Drunken lawn darts. 'Nuff said. Not a board game I realize, but sphincter puckering fun anyway. Can you imagine a round of "NO HOLDS BARRED, EXTREME YATZEE"?  Or how about an exciting game of "GHETTO STYLE MONOPOLY: EXTREME EDITION"? Where instead of houses and hotels, you change them out with whore houses and meth labs and gang style wars broke out on the board and stuff? WHat if, like, real blood was drawn and an actual fight broke out? Trip to the hospital over a game of "Sorry!" takes on a WHOLE NEW MEANING, don't you think?

I mean, there are some games that can get pretty extreme on their own. Sitting there playing Trouble with friends, who hasn't had the experience of knocking all the pieces to the floor and flipping the board over and screaming out, "You guys are ASSHOLES! I'm LEAVING!" Or discovering the TRUE jackass nature of people when they hit you with a "draw four" on top of another "draw four" when playing Uno. I've witnessed the break up of a marriage over a game of Pictionary once. Seriously. NOT kidding. There's always XTREME Jenga too. You use cinderblocks and dowse them in gasoline and set those fuckers on fire! But I suppose that's a DIFFERENT kind of extreme.......

Seriously, if people can get serious over watching a stupid game on television and get all wrapped up in THAT kind of shit, why is it so odd for me to want to be participating in a game that goes extreme? I mean, at least when my friends and I play extreme board games, it doesn't result in someone throwing a temper tantrum over a "bad call" or whatever the fuck. If temper tantrums are thrown, they are for a damn good reason, like getting a game pieces chucked into your eye or something. ......Yeah. I know there's no reasoning this out. The more I try, the more it looks silly. It's just a game for Christ's sake, but DAMN IT! A DRAW FOUR ON ANOTHER DRAW FOUR????!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That was just WRONG! What'd I ever do to you, asshole!!!!!!

My Weird Phobias....

There are times when my kids are with their dad and Puppy guts is off at work at night and I am left home alone all by myself. Sometimes it's fun to fuck with myself by freaking myself out by watching scary movies in the dark before going to bed. It always leads to a bit of heart racing paranoia and my imagination goes hog fucking wild! It's pretty cool. Some of the things that happen include:

Checking the shower before I pee. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if I DID find someone there... It would probably include many rounds of .45 ball being fired into the shower hider and some ringing in my ears from the loud blasts. And there would probably be a pee trail to the phone where I would call 911....

Hiding under blankets. As if by some super magic, a layer of blanket will deflect any kind of attack, whether it be zombies, monsters, some evil entity or a knife wielding lunatic. YAY BLANKETS!

I usually do my showering before Puppy Guts leaves for work, but sometimes I like to freak myself out and wait. Then I can do the thing where I think I'm gonna see a zombie or something when I open my eyes after washing my face in the shower or whatever. And of course letting out a little pre-emptive "EEK!" when I open my eyes just to see nothing, just in case I DID end up seeing something.

EVERY noise is someone trying to break in, which is kind of cool.... Then it's just a matter of figuring out which way I'd want to blast said intruder and seeing whether or not I'd remember the number to 9-1-1 when all was said and done.

Ahh..... Good times..... Yes, I know I'm a quirky person.....

When is it okay to ask?

Women are kind of hinky like that. Asking "When are you due?" to a woman who isn't pregnant and coming to discover that, she was just fat is kind of a faux pas.... Especially when the people couple the question with the condescending belly rub/ pat thing. Some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut, do they?

I watched a group of women walk up to an obvious stranger, who could have afforded NOT to be eating fried foods and could have been hitting the gym or something and ask when she was due as they fawned over this woman as they did the belly rub/ pat thing. This poor woman was obviously offended and said something to the effect of, "What the hell are you doing? I'm not pregnant!"

The group of women stalked off, all while voicing their displeasure, saying how rude that woman was.... Yeah, because the woman was the rude one.... I laughed and merrily skipped away.

Blah, Blah, Christmas, Blah.....

We are really getting into the swing of things as the holiday season comes charging forth... Yuck. I'm tired of hearing Christmas carols wherever I go, I hate the tinsel and the lights and the everything. The frenzy of the people has been escalating and it hasn't even come to a head yet.... This time of year is just the biggest nuisance.... The people, the crowded everywhere, the everything...... It all sucks dirty donkey ass! I can't fucking stand it! I really don't understand the love of this pagan holiday that people are so into. It's fucking retarded! And for any idiot to try and tell me that this holiday was to commemorate the birth of Christ or whatever can suck an egg. Seriously. Yes, because I'm sure that the baby Jesus meant for his birthday to be celebrated with greed, commercialism, gluttony, and pagan symbols. Idiots. And for the record, AGAIN, I hate the holidays. Bah humbug, go fuck yourself.

My Imagination...

There are so few things that DON'T amuse me.... But I suppose that's because the world in my head is SO much cooler than the world outside of it. I don't think people quite grasp how much laughter and not taking oneself so seriously is SO important. Every little thing that you do can bring levity and fun if you allow it and can picture it in your head. Yes, I can be a rather intense individual. I have moments when I DON'T do well outside the safe haven of my own mind. Then there are times when I HAVE to escape from it because it gets a little too weird.

I like the idea of being able to take every day, mundane shit and turning it into something else. The theme song to Mission Impossible plays in my head when I'm out getting groceries. I imagine the stairs leading up or down is a giant keyboard that plays a magical tune that I usually sing along to. Every green light is the signal to yell, "CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!!" as I command everyone forward. I pretend I'm on my own cooking show when I'm in the kitchen making supper. Whatever. It keeps the "everyday stuff" fun. I think without it, I wouldn't be the same and I'd just be another one of those boring folk.... You know..... Just like everyone else. And I couldn't live with that.

I'm Taking Over THE WORL........ SHINY!

My plans to take over the world are always foiled by the fact that I don't have any mutant ninja penguin minions, I don't have the capital to carry out my lofty plans and of course, my diminutive attention span.

....Hey look! LINT!