So?

I've been tired of having to have to make apologies for who I am and it seems like sometimes I'm still doing it anyway. I am not talking about making apologies because I was wrong. I am not talking about saying "I'm sorry" because I did something wrong. I am talking about having to say, "Yeah.... Sorry.... It's who I am...." because I got a strange look from someone or I got some disapproving tongue click because someone didn't approve of the way I am. I always end up thinking back at the moment and ask myself, "Why the fuck did I apologize for that shit??!?? It's not as if I needed their approval for who I am or what I did..." The feeling never really lasts long and I'm usually over it by the time the next thought hits a second later, but it sometimes gives me pause to think about it.

I've gotten a lot better about not doing it and the higher I hold my head up and go about my business, the less people notice. It proves to me that people really do fear "different" and are willing to go about bullying that "different" out of someone and make them become what these people who are afraid define as "normal". Boring. Cookie cutter. Just like everyone else. Just like themselves. It seems if I look apologetic about who I am, it can be beaten out of me. And people will take full advantage of a person's weakness because, let's face it, people are shitty creatures. People fear change. People fear the different.

I tried to reason out where this fear comes from. Is it that they are afraid that "different" is bad or is it that they are so unhappy with their own lives that they need to bring down everybody else into their sinking ship of a miserable existence. I mean, it has to be pretty miserable just being. Not having an original thought or having the creativity to be something other than "normal"... It's not like I'm running around in Spiderman Underoos and chaps, a sequined disco top, feather boa, giant Elton John glasses and a day glo green beret, while singing the llama song at the top of my lungs and doing the cha cha in public. I guess I seem pretty normal on the outside. (Maybe save for the multicolored hair and the t-shirt of the day that may or may not have some snarky comment on it or something....). It's what happens on the inside that sometimes makes me stand out. ESPECIALLY when the stuff on the inside spills out in my outside voice. The "censor" in my brain that filters the stuff that comes out of my mouth malfunctions sometimes. I make strange observations or weird jokes or whatever and that shit just comes right out of my mouth. (Want proof? Mine and Puppy Guts' Facebook page totally reads that way....) What can I say? But I don't think that it merits some of the reactions that it does.

I get how most people are so wrapped up in the way other people perceive them. I don't get that at all, but there you have it. There is a certain persona or facade that people want the world to see and that the thoughts of those in the world around them are more important than just being themselves. What the fuck kind of life is that? Here you are having to crush the very thing that you are simply because it matters more to you what others think about you. How the fuck does that make any kind of sense?

I mean, think about it. These people have to act one way when they're with "friends", act another when they're with their other "friends", there's a different persona when they're out in public, another when they're with family..... What the hell kind of shit is that? Wouldn't it be so much easier if they were who they were all the time to everyone they encountered? I guess it wouldn't be so great if one was an absolute cunt or douchewad or pansy assed pussy, but honestly.... Wouldn't those things be fixed if these people were to do the right thing, fix their god damned mistakes, make them right, move along and NOT act like an absolute cunt or douchewad or pansy assed pussy?

I won't be making too many more apologies for who and what I am. Unless I was being an absolutely malicious cunt wad or something, in which case, I would, but having been on the receiving end of some pretty brutally malicious shit over my lifetime, I reserve being a malicious cunt wad only for REALLY deserving assholes, and in that case, they will have deserved my wrath, so no apologizing there.... Meh.... This was all just a random thought really.... I will probably have to go and reflect on this one some more.....