Lucky's department lost their dispatcher. He was only 53 years old leaving behind a wife, two daughters and a son. From what I could tell, he was loved by everyone. The type not to have an enemy in the world. Basically, an all around good guy.
I watched as many of the men and women from the PD came in, uniformed, coming together to pay their last respects to this man. (And what exactly do you say to a grieving family whose world had just been turned upside down so suddenly?)
His life in pictures, as a tribute to him, was simple, but it told of a man who loved his family and loved life... (And fishing...) Always with a warm smile and good intentions. As a dispatcher, he was apparently one of the best and it was a devastating loss to the department. It was more of a devastating loss of a friend to those who knew him. A man with depth of character who had many facets in his life that made him the brilliant gem that he was in the lives of his family and friends and co-workers.
The wake held for him was beautifully done. Tasteful and warm. The color guard showed, officers dressed in their shiny and spiffy duds, with a "changing of the guards" every fifteen minutes throughout the wake. The weeping family, the misty eyes of friends... And there laid a man, tan and wearing a (for all intents and purposes) short sleeved "fishing" shirt, looking for all the world like he was going to be going fishing after all was said and done. So many thoughts will run through a person's mind when being so close to someone so many are saying farewell to. I looked upon the faces of his young boy, his girls and his wife and felt a sorrow for them despite the fact that I didn't know them. They had lost a huge chunk of their lives. I felt a sorrow for the man laying so peacefully in his casket as he had literally lost a huge chunk of his.
On the ride back to the house, I thought. So many thoughts ran through my mind. I thought about this man, who would be missing out on so much more of what potentially could have been "the rest of his life". I thought about the family he left behind and how much so many more of their "firsts" they would miss him at in their lives. I thought about his many friends and how they wouldn't be able to call him up and say, "Wow! Dude! That sucked! Hey, let's hang out..." after the wake. His sudden death was such a shock to everybody. Quite literally a "one minute he was there, and the next minute, he was gone..." and that was it. A single moment in time when everything changes. Shattering, altering, jarring... Whatever you want to call it. A single moment and the world changed for those closest to this man.
As much as I try to make sure I am "fixing" things in my life, living it to its fullest and making sure that my children and Lucky know that they are loved, I'm sure there will never be enough time for me to finish everything. I continue to make sure that I fill my life with the positives and not dwell on the trivialities that I come across. I live, I love, I laugh, I fill my life with good people, good food, good fun, good friends, good times, good music. I get things done, I say what needs to be said and I keep moving forward. It is a solid and almost tangible need to make sure that I do.
It all stems from a reality based lesson that I re-learn from time to time and I'll admit, some hit harder than others. The effects of seeing tragedies, whether they are grand scale or not, affects me in a way that it causes me to think seriously about the course of my life. Sometimes I linger too long in the shallows, where negativity and bad feelings fester in the cloudy pools of muck, when clearer waters lay so close. All it would take is to tromp away from the muck and ooze and clean off in the clean waters and wade out to a nicer place, but I have to ask why it is that I linger a little too long in the shallows. Then I have to ask myself why it is that I keep coming back to everything that should mean so little and not concentrate on the things that aren't trivial. Deeper thoughts reveal a guilt I sometimes feel that needs to be rectified, deeper insights may reveal an anger issue I thought I had rid myself of. Self introspection is something one cannot run away from when everything gets thrown onto you all at once and trying to sort through everything can sometimes seem overwhelming. That's when I strap up my ass kicking boots and clear away the crap with a sledgehammer and a shovel and deal with what I can. I deal with the things that I "own". I can't help some of the things I don't since some of the problems I got thrown into was not necessarily mine. I was tossed in, without warning, without a word... Thrown into the lion's den with no weapons in the first round, into someone else's crap so that they wouldn't be the only ones drowning in their own troubles. But through much thought and rationalizing, I always come to the same conclusions and I end up crawling out of the muck and walking away from what ever self induced misery that others seem to put themselves in and stop letting them drag me in to drown me in their sorrows along with them. Life is too short and I haven't the time to wallow in someone else's muck when I'm doing my best to wash away my own.
I will never have a problem with someone coming to me and asking for help. I'll always be willing to lend an ear and listen, offer advice, be a shoulder to cry on... But when it really comes down to it, I'll not be someone's flotation device at the risk of drowning myself in someone else's sorrows, especially when that someone seems as if they enjoy being there. Hey, there are people who just like to be miserable and enjoy making other people miserable too. It's just important to make sure that you don't get caught up in all of it and BE dragged down.
I re-learned some valuable lessons there at the wake. Cherish your loved ones and let them know that they are loved. They should never question your feelings for them. Let go of the things that are trivial and stupid. Dwelling on them does you no amount of good. Although making enemies can be fun sometimes, making friends is more valuable and is time better spent. There really is no need to make enemies where enemies don't need to be made. I'd really just prefer not to be bothered with people I couldn't care less about anyway. Do the things that you enjoy and live in the moment. If life is going to be a series of events that lead you to an end, why not make them positive and worthwhile? And the hard hitting reality that life is terminal. It does and will end and it's never certain when, where or how.
So now, I pray that Steve has found peace and sanctuary in the arms of his Savior in heaven and I pray that the loved ones that he left behind eventually find peace and comfort themselves.
"When I am gone, release me, let me go. I have so many things to see and do. You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears, but be happy that we had so many years. I gave you my love. You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness. But now it's time I traveled on alone. So grieve a while for me if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust. It's only for a while that we must part, so bless the memories within your heart, I won't be far away, for life goes on . SO if you need me, call and I will come. Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near and if you listen with your heart, you'll hear all of my love around you soft and clear. And then, when you must come this way alone, I'll greet you with a smile and say, 'Welcome home.' " (As written on the back of Steve's memorial service card.)
Rest in peace and may your family and friends find comfort and peace.
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