Me and not me.....

I've learned a valuable lesson, a little late in life, that I should never be told who I am, who I am expected to be, who I should be, what I should say, and act like and when I should shut up.... I was defined by someone else as to who I was or who I should be for a pretty long time. In coming to a cathartic moment and looking back over that time in life, it was a very harsh reality that slapped me in the face pretty hard. "The Me I should have been" and "the Not me that I was shaped into by someone else" came face to face and squared off. It was like a meeting of the immortal warriors a la Highlander, and there could be only one. It's a pretty sobering moment too. Do you stay with the life that you're comfortable with? The ennui of what you're used to and is safe and easy and be miserable or do you embrace the fact that THAT is not your life and you should probably go out and seek it for yourself and maybe perhaps be happier for it? Pretty deep questions that you have to ask yourself there. And never with easy answers.

Then when you come to the conclusion that you ought to be who you are, standing firm to that and not letting anyone sway you can be a cold and lonely place to have to be as you sort out who you are and generally, that has to be done on your own. It really can't be done for you. It's sometimes difficult to see what was someone else's definition of your life was or what the pieces are of how you define it for yourself . It's a process that rips you to pieces. The true test of character comes when you can pick up the pieces of you that DO define you and put them back together to to rebuild yourself to who you are supposed to be, free of anyone else's input as to who you should be. It's a difficult road, to have to take really deep introspectives into your own life and see not just the positives but also all the negatives. Delving into the negatives of everything that you are is not a pretty experience. You really do start to take a very good, long, hard, deep look into yourself and your flaws, your mistakes, the ugliness that you harbor and it gets even more difficult trying to let them go. Identifying the causes of them, the feelings attached to them, whatever keeps you tethered to them... A lot of the times, you are your own worst enemy while other times, you were made to be your own worst enemy by someone else. It's pretty ugly at best.

I guess the question can come up, "How does a person get to that point?" It's a very valid question. I mean, why would a person want to get to that point anyway? Shouldn't it be best to avoid those kind of situations that would change who you are? I mean don't get me wrong, there are plenty of positive things that can come from change, but the ones I am discussing here today are the ones that end up taking the definition of what you are, tossing them out and having the new definitions of who you are rewritten for you by someones else to suit their needs and not yours. The whole process of becoming someone else's definition of who you are takes years and some of the times, an individual will become so sucked into the "new them" that it becomes reality, while in the back of their minds they still have red flags popping up. Those red flags are quickly squashed and dismissed and eventually forgotten. It's never really a permanent fix though and there does come a time when no amount of lame ass excuses and bullying can get you back in line.... That's when the real fun begins. Starting to break those chains is a fun process, and all, but once the chains and tethers that held you there are all gone, you are left cold, alone, "naked" and trying to figure out how you got there and most importantly, how you get back. After wallowing in that for a little while, it comes time to pick yourself up off your ass and make the steps forward by rediscovering everything that you thought you liked about yourself and find out that you didn't like it at all or finding something distasteful turned out not to be so distasteful at all... It becomes a rediscovery of self.

It's an insane process that makes you strip down everything that you think are and find the core. Then rebuiling from that core using all of the pieces that lay around you, figure out what's yours, figure out what's not and finally bring you to your finished product. It's not to say that there won't be some major adjustments that will need to be made, but that comes a step at a time.. It can't be done all at once. It just doesn't happen that way. It's not some miraculous, overnight process. It's a process that bleeds from one step into another until finally you have a haphazard lump of "clay". Then taking that haphazard lump and forming it back into a person: the person you know you ought to be.

When you get to the other side, there is feeling of pride in that accomplishment. In that moment, you feel whole and ready to take on the world. You feel like you're ready to move forward and you can with great dignity and grace, which is really kind of awesome.

I'm still working on all of my shit, but the road forward is looking pretty nice and looking back over the road behind me, I'm feeling rather accomplished.

It's not my fault....

I post a lot about the stupidity of others, my perception of the stupidity of others or just plain stupidity. I am allowed to do this, have my own opinions and voice them so that people can chose or chose not to read in what it is that I have to say. It's not my fault that stuff happens and I happen to be there to witness it. I enjoy watching the stupidity of others and watching their FAIL moment and laughing out loud about it. It's not because I made that shit happen. It's because the people whom I watch fail are either very stupid, make bad decisions or both, none of which I can really take any credit for. Some people were not made to walk and chew gum at the same time or talk out loud and drive at the same time. Hell, some people weren't made to do anything but take up space and breathe... It's not like I want bad things to happen to people either. That really isn't the case. It's just that sometimes, in witnessing someone stupid, doing something stupid, they need to have a "lesson learned" moment.

I hear people saying that everyone is here for a reason and everyone serve a purpose in life. They were put here because of some grand design... I guess if I stopped and thought about it, without stupid people to make fun of, I wouldn't have so much to write about and I'd probably be pretty bored. On the other side of that, I think I might be happier with a lack of subjects to write about than actually having some of these people on the planet. I don't know.... Six? Half dozen? Hmm.....

WTF Did I Just Witness?

There truly is no explanation for certain things. They just defy any kind of logic or reason for being. Stupidity is all around us. Just look carefully and hang tight for a little while. You are sure to witness some idiot doing something stupid no matter where you happen to be.

I witness stupidity all the time. It brings me amusement for the most part , although there are certain times when I am truly saddened and frightened by the downward spiral that people's intellects are taking these days. Bah.... Whatever. It's fun watching stupid people doing stupid things and it is a form of entertainment for me.

Today's featured idiot is something of an oddity. Seriously.... I am not sure how this person is still alive. I am not really sure how he survived being him for so long. I guess Darwinism failed this time....

A guy, walking around, texting FURIOUSLY and not paying attention to his surroundings at all.... I mean NOT AT ALL..... Not stopping to look both ways while crossing the road, not looking ahead to see where he was walking. Just completely unaware of anything going on because he was texting on his phone..... :face palm: He walked into people (didn't look up to apologize), walked into a mailbox, and almost got a face full of telephone pole. People on the road beeped at him because they had to stop short, lest they run him over and he was an overall menace.

I get that sometimes we get engrossed in a conversation, but can't we sit down somewhere and do that or maybe just call and talk to that person or even meet up with the person and talk face to face? Nope. Not THIS guy. He was bound and determined to become a stain on the road or fall or something. .... Thus chlorinating the shallow end of the pool...... Hmm....... Wait a second..... Carry on there guy....

Explaining Stuff to the Stupid......

Talk about the ultimate lesson in futility..... Trying to explain something to an absolute idiot. ESPECIALLY when said idiot fancies his/herself an intelligent individual, when in short, I could have explained it and had it understood by a bag of smashed assholes faster and better. Something as simple as, "You had the stop sign and I had the right of way..." becomes a lesson in basic driving skills. Crayons and paper, flashcards and a puppet show couldn't help people like these...

I truly believe that a certain set of criteria need to be met before people are allowed to breed, drive, be allowed to live among the normal people.... We really need to stop catering to the stupid and dumb things down for the less than intelligent. Our school systems are REALLY needing a serious overhaul and need to rethink the "No Child Left Behind" thing because dumbing down the curriculum to accomodate the lowest common denominator isn't what should have been done.... (But THAT discussion gets me off on a whole different kind of rant...)

Anyway, I've discovered a great way to avoid explaining things to stupid people and get out of having to repeat myself over and over again. When I feel the aura of "DUH!" emanating from a certain individual, I pretend not to understand what they're saying and play dumb. Well.... Even dumber then they are, which can be a rather daunting task sometimes. The REALLY stupid ones will just continue to repeat themselves, but LOUDER, but I continue on with my charade and eventually I just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. Problem solved....

One of "THEM"......

Okay, so I'm apparently a "them".....

At the market some time back , I was walking the cart back over to the cart station after I was done with it. A sweet looking old lady comes up to me and says VERY slowly and LOUDLY, "Are yooooooou aaaaaallllllll dooooone wiiiiiith thaaaaaaaaaat caaaaaaarrrrrrt?" while making sign language like hand motions. She finished off with a nice look of disdain and exasperated sigh.

I nodded, gave her an odd look and said, "Um.... Yes, I am. I was just going to put it in the cart station. Would you like this cart?"

She says, "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were one of 'THEM'..."

Being EVER so swift on the uptake, my quick witted response to her was, "Huh?"

So, she explains: "You know..... One of them orientals that don't speak English good..."

I don't think she quite saw the irony or the humor in that whole exchange we had there.... :sigh: Go figure......

A lesson in futility...

There is just no reaching some people and no matter how hard you try, there is just no understanding them either. You can explain things and it won't get through to them. You can try apologizing, it won't matter. You can debate, argue, use charts and diagrams, write a 100 page dissertation breaking down every little thing into short simple words... Nothing.
Life's too short to have to worry about the morons who can't see past their own selfishness and stupidity. I'm learning to cut them loose and go on about my business instead of trying to please aforementioned morons. I don't have enough time in the day or the patience to have to deal with idiots. I would just as soon leave the "unreachables" where they are and let them be unreachable far away from me. There are people who I do care about and love that I'd much rather be around anyway.
I wouldn't call myself a quitter because I'm "giving up"... Nope. I see it more as being opportunistic to find happiness instead of being sucked in and dragged down and become a true "quitter" wallowing in misery and trying to infect as many other people as possible.

People suck...

I hate people more and more each day... They're rude and pushy and have entitlement complexes that run a mile wide, a mile deep and a mile long. I am NOT going to kowtow to some rude bitch who decides her shit doesn't stink. I am not going to play subservient to some asshole who thinks he's the second coming of Christ. I am not going to yield to some douche because of a superiority complex. I am not afraid to hip check someone in a line when they deserve it. I am not afraid to tell someone that they're being an ass when they are CLEARLY being an ass. I am not afraid to dole out a verbal spanking to someone who is clearly in need of one.

How to deal with a narcissist.......

There are people in my life who fit the very definition of the word "narcissist". I'd like to take a little time today to offer up a lesson to people about how to identify one and how to deal with them. Now, I am in NO WAY a psychologist, therapist, psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, head shrinker, yip skip dippity doo dah "let's-talk-about-our-feelings"guru or anything, but, I feel as if though I need to get this all out there because narcissism has become an epidemic. Look at the world around us.... Think about the people we are forced to deal with. I can personally say that most people fall victim to these narcissistic people on a daily basis and don't even know it or realize it. Maybe if I throw this out there, you'll be able to recognize it and be able to deal with the problem and eliminate some sources of stress in your life. Seriously....

So, let's start off by defining narcissism. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride. The term originated with Narcissus in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism is also considered a social or cultural problem. Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. Narcissism is not the same as egocentrism. Four dimensions of narcissism as a personality variable have been delineated: leadership/authority, superiority/arrogance, self-absorption/self-admiration, and exploitative-ness/entitlement. Most of these things are self perceived and the adulation they seek is NOT deserved. 

There are certainly very recognizable traits that, with a little bit of observation, you can pick out right away. I mean, it's not always about them scoping out a mirror to admire themselves, like Narcissus and his reflection. Narcissism encompasses all sorts of self centeredness and I am here, as a public service announcer, to help you recognize other behaviors of the typical narcissist. It is not necessarily just one of these behavioral traits that will define what a narcissist is. Usually a combination, but it's pretty plain to see once you know what you're looking for. Here is a list of these behaviors. It's not just limited to these, but you'll get the idea.

• An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges. Basically how, when talking to someone, the focus of ANY conversation will become about them.

• Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships. Well, it's difficult to maintain a relationship when it's all about them, isn't it?

• A lack of psychological awareness. Everyone else is crazy.... Didn't you know? 

• Difficulty with empathy, because no one else matters. They live in their own little worlds where everything is perfect because THEY are perfect. The only problem is, they don't realize that WE have to share the planet with them.

• Problems distinguishing the self from others. This mostly happens because everything is always about them. Their life is more interesting, more important, more tragic, more whatever. 

• Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults. Because how can anyone ever think they are anything less than perfect?  It can almost look like paranoia at times. The thought of themselves being judged by others is intolerable. So even perceived insult or judgement is unforgivable.  

• Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt. Shame is a bit shorter term than guilt. One eventually gets over feeling shame, whereas feelings of guilt is admitting wrongdoing, which will never happen with a narcissist. But shaming them is easy, because they will never admit fault, they'll try not to acknowledge it, they'll eventually reason it away, but pointing out their shortcomings and hounding them about it can bring about shame.

• Haughty body language. They seriously think they're better than everyone. Nose in the air, looking down on people. You can also hear it in their intonation when they speak. It's almost like they're talking down to you.

• Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them, well, because, they NEED that perpetual approval and constant ego stroking. The cruelest thing to do to a narcissist is to stroke their ego, then cut them down, then stroke their ego again, only to cut them down once more. 

• Detesting those who do not admire them. Well, like I said, they need constant reassurance and ego stroking. Actually, they demand it. How dare you not give it.  

• Using other people without considering the cost of doing so, because, well damn it! To them it's really not "using" per se. It's a means to an end...... Their own megalomaniacal end, other people be damned.

• Pretending to be more important than they really are. They need to showcase their own self importance. Status and how people perceive them is super important to them. It's a facade they need to create, showing how "happy" their lives are, how "successful" they are, how "great" their relationships are, but the reality is, it's only in their own minds.  

• Bragging (subtly, but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements. Again, it is all about this incessant need for approval and feeding their own egos. They need to show people how important they are despite the fact that it is completely undeserved. Again, it is more facade. They need attention and approval and accolades in order to thrive.  

• Claiming to be an "expert" at many things. They are nothing more than Google scholars. You'll hear things like, "I've spoken to experts about this...." Or better yet, "I've done extensive research on the subject..."They will keep on talking about a subject that they have NO idea about, and continue to talk out of their asses despite being shown how wrong they are or how stupid they sound, while continuing to believe that they are still "the expert".  

• Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people. Seriously? There is no reasoning with these people. They are lost causes. Logic completely escapes them. It is their way. That's it. That's why they will always believe they won an argument. Any argument. 

• Denial of remorse and gratitude. They will not apologize because they feel they've done nothing wrong. They will justify their actions until the day they die. And gratitude? Pfft. Forget it. You SHOULD be doing them favors. You're welcome. 

So, how do these traits manifest themselves? Well, there are the seven deadly sins of narcissism: 

Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways. But seriously, that is what lurks just beyond the surface because on the inside, they know how wrong they are and they know how much of a lie their lives really are, but they will rationalize and justify everything in their own sick and twisted ways in order to keep the facade up for themselves, even LONG after those around them have seen them for what they really are. 

Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others. This projection is used simply to deflect blame onto someone else or to take the negative spotlight off of themselves. 

Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may re-inflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else. They will resort to malicious behaviors "just to be a bitch" or withhold on obligations to punish others. They feel like they are better than everyone around them and will go above and beyond to make sure that they make you know it too. If these actions go unnoticed, you will feel their pettiness and subsequent retribution, no matter how trite.

Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person. They may not even acknowledge another person's talent at all. Actual competition freaks them out, especially when there is a possibility that they will lose. They are cowards and will haughtily dismiss anything or anyone that may threaten their own self importance. 

Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage. Anything that doesn't meet their own status quo is considered an affront. Any change or deviation from that status quo is unacceptable. In their minds, the law does not apply to them, neither does showing common courtesy. 

Exploitation: It can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed. Emotional blackmail can be a common weapon used by the narcissist in order to get what they want too.

Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other. It is about their own needs being met and that is all.

Great..... Right? So, how do you deal with these people? It seems an impossible task, no? Honestly, it's really quite simple. Their self loathing and shame lay so close to the surface it's not even funny. That arrogant self love is a thin, brittle and easily shattered facade. How do you shatter it? Stand your ground and confront them with everything you know they hate about themselves. Bombard them with everything you know they are ashamed about. Bring to indisputable light, what they did wrong, how it is wrong, why it is wrong and how it is their fault. It's an awesome thing to watch that thin, crusty veil shatter like one of those glass ball X'mas ornaments. Be consistent. Don't kowtow to their self imagined greatness because that's where they get their power. They will do anything and everything to maintain their own self perceived superiority, whether by lying, using tears and emotional blackmail, debasing and verbal abuse, name calling, deflection, irrational justifications and straight up denial. Keep calm and carry on. The calmest person in the "conversation" is the one with the power. Challenge their ego and they will NOT remain calm. Stand tall and don't back down. 

The "incredulous look" works great too. Here's how to do it: Give them an unimpressed look filled with disbelief, dripping with judgment and condescension. And don't say a word. Maybe shake your head a little and roll your eyes, but DO NOT SPEAK. It's an absolutely LOVELY tool. And watching them stutter and fall on themselves through the rest of the "conversation" and watching their egos disintegrate is truly GOLD!  They will puff out their chests and continue to try and impress you anyway, trying desperately to reassert their self perceived superiority. The final blow is basically a "talk to the hand" maneuver, an eye roll, and then walking away. Maybe throw in an barely audible "Loser!"  there under your breath as you walk away. They'll still remain narcissistic, but they won't talk to you because you will be perceived by them as a lost cause and their fragile little egos couldn't bare to deal with that again.  

They aren't anything more than cowards and they do NOT like to have a critical "mirror" pointed at them so that they can actually see how they aren't what they claim to be. They don't really want to know what they really are. That's why they've created a world of their own: A bubble in which they live. It comes down to self preservation because they really can't face themselves, their shame, their shortcomings, their flaws, their inabilities, their need for constant affirmations, acceptance and approval.  Eventually, it will come to a point where they feel it is not longer worth it for them to try and convince you of their superiority and self centric greatness. Will it stop them from being an self loving / loathing / loving / loathing egomaniac? No. But at least you'll no longer have to deal with it as much.

Yup... Sound familiar? 

You're welcome.

What makes you think I care?

Dude... This is my serious face. Really... So, what in the hell makes you think I care?
I can appreciate the people who just want to make nice and start random conversations  with strangers in places like the post office while waiting in line. It passes the time and sometimes, it's actually kind of cool.
At the post office the other day, standing in the line, (go figure!) some guy commented on the tattoo on the back of my neck. We got into a conversation about ink, blah, blah, blah. At some point, he swings the conversation into a soliloquy about his cock and ass. Dude... TMI. I don't want to know, so I gave him the "Dude, are you serious?" look. He goes into "Oh, that's not what I meant, get your mind out of the gutter..." mode feeling that he just got shot the fuck down because I didn't go into giggly flirt mode at the mention of his privates. He tried to redirect the conversation and asked if I wanted to go get a coffee at the Starbucks. I told him to go fuck himself. Was that wrong?

Dressing up your dog? Really?

I was out and about with the kids and there was this woman carrying around her dog in one of those dog purses... She was dressed up in pink Burberry... And so was her dog. A kerchief collar with matching shirt looking thing...
The poor dog did NOT look happy. It's bad enough to be toting the dog around like a friggin' accessory, but to dress them up like a retard too? I mean there are dogs and cats who's people dress them up for the holidays... Halloween, Christmas... That's bad enough. But this woman went out of her way, not only to dress up the dog, but dress up the dog in an outfit matching hers... THEN to top it all off, stuffed the animal into a shoulder bag to tote the poor critter around in... Where the hell are those PETA people on THAT one?
People! Really. Don't do it... A bandana... Maybe... But beyond that or just a plain collar and tag is just cruel...

Hell in a handbasket...

I saw a thing on youtube.com some time ago and it chilled me to the bone. Seriously...

It was a short something about an experiment some guy was doing and how desensitized people were to things going on around them and have adopted the "it's not my concern, let someone else take care of it..." mentality.

So, this is how it worked. He had this little girl, school aged... Maybe 8 or 9 I guess, pretend that she was in distress. She was being grabbed and dragged off by a "stranger". It was in the middle of the day, on a rather crowded sidewalk. She was pleading with people to help her. She was yelling out "Who are you? I don't know you!" and stuff like "You're not my daddy! Stop! Please help!"
There was no denying that she got people's attention. Most of them stopped to look and see what was going on, but then continued to walk away. Some people went as far as crossing the street to avoid reaching the "commotion" on the sidewalk. Really? Some time later, after several runs... Someone finally stopped. A group of guys who FINALLY took notice, stopped and were going to do something.
The scary part is, if this had been a real incident, that girl would have been taken along with six or seven more... (Not too sure how many tries they took before someone finally stopped, but I think the guy mentioned that they had been there for a pretty lengthy amount of time... A couple of hours maybe?)
It's sad to me that even a child crying out for help won't call forth action by the average citizen. Even with the horror stories of child abduction stories and the number of missing children reported and the atrocities committed on children that we see on the news, see in the papers, hear on the radio... Amber alerts and pleas from parents on television desperately trying to be reunited with their children... People turn a blind eye...
Now stop and think about this for a minute. Imagine the number of child abduction cases that have occurred. They can't all have been in the middle of nowhere, in a dark alley, where no one saw anything... If someone had taken a minute out of their lives, I think some of those kids would probably be home now, doing whatever it is that kids are supposed to be doing, instead of being a statistic. Maybe it's because I'm a parent and these kind of things hit closer to home. I would think it shouldn't matter when a child is concerned... How does that phrase go? It takes a village to raise a child? Well, the village is on the highway to hell. Most people are so wrapped up in their own shit, that they really don't care about anything outside themselves. They are more worried about covering their own rear ends, they are worried more about how the world perceives them, they are more concerned about the things they are able to get away with, they are more concerned about what is theirs, what they perceive to be theirs, what they wish was theirs and using underhanded methods to get at them because they deserve it, damn it! It's none of any body else's business as long as I get what I want and to hell with everyone who isn't me. Innocents get trampled along the way and of course everything get self justified and that's all that matters.
It makes trying to follow the high road difficult... This new path I have been working to pave for myself has been frustrating. It's so easy to get sucked back in to the negativity spirals because it's simple. It takes no effort at all to be a nasty, self righteous, selfish piece of shit. All you have to worry about is yourself. There's too much of that in the world. But I will admit, the high road and paving a path positivity has been a difficult task. Do a falter? Sure. I'm only friggin' human. Will it keep me from trying again? Hell no. I'm stronger than that. Would I have stopped and given that guy a righteous beating before I asked questions? Yeah... Yeah I would have. Most definitely.

Not just your average idiots...

In working in a "retail job" anywhere, you are bound to come across boat loads of idiots who ask the dumbest questions... Back in the day, when I worked in retail at a pet store, I came across many individuals that just needed to have some serious sense knocked into them... It's funny though. I mean I always answered their questions, but they always either walked away in a huff or hung up on me...

Q: Do crickets smell when they die?
A: I reckon they're not doing too much of anything when they're dead, ma'am...
Q: No, I mean do they smell bad?
A: Well, I've never sniffed a dead cricket... You're more than welcome to give it a go if you want...


Q: My hamster died a week ago and I was wondering what I should do with it...
A: ... Are you kidding?
Q: Well, no. I thought he might have been dead a week ago because he wasn't moving at all. I wasn't sure so I left him in the cage. I checked him out today and sure enough he was dead...
A: You don't have children, do you?

Q: I accidentally bought dog food for my cat. I have been feeding it to her anyway... Do you think she'll start exhibiting dog like characteristics?
A: ... Yes. It's permanent too...
Q: <Gasp!> What should I do?
A: Go home and call 911.

Q: My lizard bit me and I developed a rash...
A: Well, have you been to the doctor?
Q: No... The whole story is rather embarrassing...
A: Alright... Well, where did the lizard bite you?
Q: My crotch...
(I walked away from this one...)

Q: My daughter's dog just died...
A: I'm so sorry to hear that... What happened?
Q: I ran over him with the car. He was brown. If I got her another brown dog, do you think she would notice?

It's scary to think that it doesn't just happen in pet stores... It happens all over... Can you honestly tell me NOW that you DON'T understand why retail store employees are so surly?

Shitty Drivers...

We've all sat behind them in traffic, had them behind us, had them crash into us, had them piss us off in one form or another while driving along on the roads at some point in time... And should any precipitation be falling? GAAAAAAAH!!!!!

 I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THOSE STUPID LEXUS SUV DRIVING MORONS WHO THINK THEIR SHIT DON'T STINK. I'M TIRED OF THE IDIOTS WHO CAN'T WALK AND CHEW GUM AT THE SAME TIME BUT THINK THEY CAN DRIVE AND YAP AWAY ON THEIR CELLPHONES. I HATE, I HATE, I HATE, PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, BUT THROW THEM BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR AND YOU WISH YOU HAD THROWN THEM UNDER THE WHEEL INSTEAD. I HATE PEOPLE WITH THE SUPER SPORTS CARS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THEM. I HATE THE RETARDS WHO DRIVE SLOW IN THE HAMMER LANE. I CAN'T STAND THE JACKASSES THAT SLOW WAAAAAAAAY THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE "THE LANE NARROWS". (THE LANE DOESN'T ACTUALLY NARROW PEOPLE, IT'S AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!) I HATE THOSE STUPID BITCHES WHO ARE DOING THEIR HAIR, THEIR MAKEUP AND TALKING ON THE CELLPHONE WHILE DRIVING AROUND. I HATE DRUNK DRIVERS. I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEM. I DESPISE THE ASSHOLES THAT SPEED BY POLICE CRUISERS OR AMBULANCES OR FIRE TRUCKS AT A GAJILLION MILES AN HOUR WHEN THESE PEOPLE ARE SOMETIMES RISKING THEIR LIVES TO DO THEIR JOBS. MOVE INTO ANOTHER LANE AND/ OR SLOW THE FUCK DOWN SHITHEADS! AND SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THAT OLD GUY THAT HIS LEFT BLINKER HAS BEEN ON SINCE LIKE NINETEEN OT ELEVENTY-SEVEN! STAY THE FUCK OFF THE ROADS IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE AND IF YOU INSIST, THERE SHOULD BE AN "ASSHOLE DRIVER" LANE. BE IN IT AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! CAN I GET AN "AMEN"!

Shopping...

I don't understand some people. They buy things that they'll never use, wear, eat, or whatever, store it away somewhere and forget about it  just because they "got a great deal on it". Take my mom... (Please!)
She has more stuff than a Walmart. And it's everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I find stuff after digging around in the scary "storage places", fill up a box, slap items up on Ebay, hurray! Most of the stuff is new. Makes for selling said items easier I suppose... But why?
I hate shopping with every fiber of my being. I get all edgy and tense after about the first five minutes. EEERG! Even toy shopping with the kids. (With that I can last about 30 minutes...)  And Christmas time shopping? Forget it! I start getting all stressed out about it in September and have it all done in October. I do not want to be dealing with THAT nuttiness during that time of the year. People get all rude and pushy and would sooner beat you over the head with the closest blunt object than  look at you. No thanks.
I once dealt with a woman who tried to grab an item of clothing right out of my hand. I asked her what she was doing and she simply replied, "I saw it first." My reply to her was, "Prove it. Possession being 9/10 and all..." and I yanked it back out of her hand. She tried to grab for it again, so I hip checked/ pushed her and said very loudly, "Don't come near my kids again, lady! I don't care HOW much money you want to give me, I will NOT allow you to take naked pictures of my KIDS!" She got some strange looks from the other patrons of the store as she sat on her ample ass on the floor where she landed.
I sauntered around the store with the kids for another minute or two and I had a few people walk up to me and ask, "What was THAT about?" I gave them a shrug and an "I don't know! Just some creepy lady with a child porn fetish I guess!" and I hurried my children out of the store.
People! Yeesh!  Shopping! Even MORE Yeesh!

Just an observation...

People in general are pretty shitty... I mean, "I want to smack some sense into them because they're so fuckin' stupid" kind of shitty.
My man and I went to a convenience store the other day. We came out and were walking to the car when we saw that there was a car stopped in the middle of the road. Apparently, the lady was having alternator trouble. The car just wouldn't start, none the less go...
People are flying past her, beeping their horns and screaming all sorts of obscenities at her... She was absolutely frazzled. So, we crossed the street to try and help her out. Lucky tried to push the car into the driveway of an apartment complex so that this poor woman would be out of harm's way while she waited for AAA to come and tow the car. Power steering... Because there was no "power",  and the woman didn't have the strength to turn the steering wheel... <Sigh!> Into a curb, missed the driveway all together.
While all this is going on, the cars are still flying by despite my efforts to stop the traffic for a minute or two. Not only was this woman in harm's way now, but my Lucky and I were too. On the second try, a few other people (two teenagers and an off-duty fireman) stopped to lend a hand. The four of them managed to push the car back enough to try for the driveway again, now with cars flying past all of them too... Grrr....
With the car in the driveway, traffic resumed at it's regular pace and all was well, with the exception of those who wanted to stop and scream out "Stupid bitch! I can't believe this fuckin' shit!", all while laying into their horns. I think these people may have used both of their braincells to be able to push the button for the horn and string together enough words for them to verbalize their apparent dismay about the lack of intelligence of some female dog and their disbelief in fornicating fecal matter.
There was a parking lot full of people just watching the action while all of this was going on, and of course the numerous assholes in their cars that drove past... It didn't spur them into action though... It would have if Lucky, the fireman or one of the two teenage boys got hit by a car... They would have grabbed their cell phones in a hurry... To take pictures and video so that they could post it on youtube or something. Pathetic!
The world is going to hell in a flaming hand basket and no one seems to care...

I hate people...

Why is it that the ratio of cool people that I meet is miniscule compared to the stupid, whiny, self absorbed, assholes that I have the displeasure of running across?
I realize that I'm no peach myself. I walk around some of the time with a sour puss on my face or stomp around like a grounded teenager on a Friday night, but when I have my kids with me, I do my best to put on a smile, remember my manners by saying things like "Hey! How are ya!" or "Please" or "Thanks!", whatever the situation would call for, and bless their little hearts, my kids remember theirs too. The thing that gets me are the people who say, "Oh wow! You're kids are so polite! I wish mine were... "  I smile and simply tell him/ her, "I expect nothing less..." even though, on the inside, I'm screaming, "Well, they were taught that that's the way it should be. I don't want to raise a bunch of whiny, selfish, lazy little shits with entitlement complexes. "
Sad to think that we live in a time when seeing manners in children is unexpected...

I would've given you the fuckin' money if you had asked!

So, a few years ago, I was walking across the parking lot of a shopping center. I had one of my kids in the shopping cart and I threw my purse into the cart. It was open.... Some guy came out from behind me, dropped me onto my butt, reached into my bag and made off with about $14... My boy and I were left unharmed and that was the end of that...
I gave this whole incident some thought... Probably more than it deserved, but I did... I can understand being so desperate that you would go to any lengths to get money... At least that was my take on this guy's situation. It wasn't like he tried to rob me at gun or knife point and if he had intended to do any real harm to me or the boy, it would have been done. Hell, he could have taken the whole purse, contents and all, but he didn't. He just took the money that was sitting at the top of my open purse... (I, like some women, just throw shit into the bag and rummage through later to play hide and seek...) So I became rather MEOW! about the whole situation. If he'd of asked for the money, I probably would have given it to him. Jerk.... On the other side of that, if he had laid so much as a finger on my child, I probably would have killed him or at the very least done him severe damage. I don't get people. Me likes them less and less...

The "Face Palm".....

We've all seen the face palm in action. We've all used the face palm.... Listed are the applications to the different degrees of face palm!

The single face palm: Used in a situation... Oh,I don't know... Say that someone (NOT ME) was driving around, minding their own fucking business, going about their day. Said person comes to a red light and stops. Seems like the right thing to do, no? The idiot behind said person doesn't because said idiot wasn't paying attention. WHAM! Right into the back of the fuckin' car... Oh...No... You... DIDN'T! Shit! Idiot gets out of the car in a huff, screaming and yelling and cursing away because his car is damaged and he lost the important call he was on... Excuse me?

The double face palm: This can be applied when aforementioned idiot goes over to the car he hit and starts to yell at the driver of said car, who was guilty of stopping at a red light.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Fuckin' asshole! Don't you know how to drive? What the fuck is the matter with you??!??"
At this point, other cars are starting to stop and park. Some out of morbid curiosity because it looks as if a large quantity of shit is about to hit a high powered fan or because the occupant of the other car was a woman and the idiot was a rather large man...

The triple face palm: This one is one that is used when things are about to hit critical mass. Let's say like when idiot orders the woman of the car... (Now, police were already summoned and on their way...) She would not comply. He started punching the car and slamming his fists onto the hood of the car and rocking the car demanding that the woman get out. At this point the occupants of the other cars that had parked are getting out of their vehicles... But before too long, police are on scene (Aww! Shucky DARN!!! There were some that wanted to lay down the vigilante justice... Ehem...)and idiot takes a break from further damaging woman's car. The woman, relieved to see the police gets out of her car thinking idiot wouldn't do anything now because the police were there... Right? (This gets better... Trust me...)

The MISSION FAILED face palm: Exactly what it says... Mission: Failed. Idiot grabs woman by the arm as she tries to make her way over to the police officers and get the fuck away from idiot. Idiot yanks her over to him and <SLAP!>,  woman got a face full of backhand, in front of about a dozen witnesses AND four officers.  Only after striking the woman did idiot think, "That might have been a bad idea..." but not before he was tackled to the ground by four police officers... Onto pavement... Face first... <Sharp intake of breath!>, Oooh! Woman added insult to injury by performing the "Brooklyn Shuffle"... On his head... Which conveniently, nobody saw... Go figure!
And how was your day?

Dang it! I went and stained my karma again!

I realize that I can be a pain in the ass. I do what I can to try and realign the feng shui of my karma (or whatever the new age term is... Uncloud my aura? Rearrange the chi of my chakras? You want me to whaty what my where?!), but there are times when the horns come out and it cannot be stopped. It happens often in parking lots. I mean, come on, where better than to come across an asshole than a parking lot?
So, the other day I went to the local Starbucks to get myself a caramel frap with extra caramel goo goo sauce with whipped cream and more caramel goo goo sauce. The parking lot was pretty full and I figured I'd go and sit somewhere else to enjoy said frap.  I got into the car and tried to back out, but of course there are a gojillion cars lined up behind me making the whole backing up thing damn near impossible. Finally, a guy decided he wanted my parking spot and stopped, waiting impatiently for me to back out of the spot. After 15 seconds he started laying into the horn and screaming at me to "hurry the fuck up!".
OH... NO... YOU... DIDN'T! I pulled the car back into the spot, parked  and got out because I decided, "Maybe I will enjoy my frap here!" The guy asked me what the fuck I was doing. I said to him, "I think I, the fuck, just parked my car into the spot again." I think he lost his mind. The string of obscenities that came out of his mouth was hysterical.  A few well placed "uh-huh"s and"Oooh! That was a good one!" s and some pointing and laughing, he ended his maniacal rant with, "...and FUCK YOU!" to which I replied, "No, thank you. I'm divorced and I get more than enough of that, proverbially, from the ex with his shit storms and temper tantrums..." and I smiled.
I don't think he quite knew how to respond to that because he chirped the tires and sped away... for about 20 feet until he was stuck behind another car again. I don't think I laughed that hard in a long time. He must've heard me laughing at him because I saw the windows of his car go up soon after...
Sure, I could've pulled out of the spot, thought to myself, "What a jerk!" and went about my business, but the horns and tail had something different in mind. A new stain on the karma... It was still pretty funny and well worth it though...

Drunk people...

Seriously... I understand the whole wanting a beer after a day of work... Sometimes, nothing beats sitting down with a cold brew... But c'mon... We've all been to an establishment or a party where there is the one super drunk idiot who's either doing something outrageously stupid/ dangerous, but it's downright amusing to watch as the events unfold and ultimately, the drunken bastard is puking in the parking lot or is on their face or is beaten because they were obnoxious drunks. Maybe it's a combination of all three. (Still amusing to watch by the way...) Then these people have the nerve to get behind he wheel of a car and drive around? (They weren't beaten well enough, I say.)
Sure, drunk people are amusing to watch as long as you don't have to interact with them. At least that's the way I feel about it. Then, let them pass out. At the end of the night, chain them to a tree or something and really fuck with them by smearing grass and mud into their hair, stomach and knees, tie a goat to the tree next to them, empty a jar of lube into the back of their pants, then kick 'em in the "'tain't" (it 'tain't their ass and it 'tain't their crotch... The 'Tain't) and place the empty jar nearby,  slap a condom... on the goat's horns, let them sober up and as they wake up, start chanting "GOAT BITCH!". (Let them think the word "headbutt" has a whole new meaning!)