Cravings....

What is it about the human mind that makes us crave something so badly that it almost becomes something like borderline obsession? Cravings happen sometimes. You could be sitting there and all of a sudden BLAM! TACOS! And that's all you can think about.... Crunchy, meaty, tasty, delicious, "the works" taco. MMmmmmmm..... Or like, you're in the middle of doing something important, totally not thinking of food and WHAMMO! PAN SEARED STEAK BRAISED IN A RED WINE REDUCTION WITH FRESH HERBS AND GARLIC AND ONIONS AND MAYBE A LITTLE BROTH TO JUICE OUT THE REDUCTION AND HAVE IT ALL WITH A LOAF OF ROASTED GARLIC CIABATTA BREAD AND..... And your attention is completely on whatever it is you're fantasizing about nomming and the recipe keeps getting more complex as you sit there drooling on yourself....

PMS cravings are worse.... Well, at least for me they are. I usually don't feel like doing anything, so I pool all the energy and "care" into making sure that I do everything for the kids and by the time I'm done with that, I'm left to sit and dream nom because I'm not gonna make what I'm craving...

Pregnancy cravings.... OMG Those are wretched too.... I mean, there were your cravings that nagged at you until you got what you were craving, then you had your ANTI- cravings that the mere thought of that food made you throw up...Blech.....

Cravings are the oddest thing, I swear! What possesses the mind to DO that? It's so random and stupid, but once it takes hold, that takes up 90% of your thought processes and.... what the fuck? SHAZAM! TUNA MELT ON RYE! Dammit! Gotta go....

Off the wagon.....

Yup.... I've been drinking coffee again. I was doing really well with just drinking tea, but every once in a while I have had coffee... Now I'm back to ZIP mode because I'm drinking a lot more coffee again. WOO HOO! Dear artificially sweetened, caffeinated goodness! I missed you so! I forgot why it was that I left you! I'm sorry! I'm glad I have you back in my life! :D

The yumminess comes.....

I wouldn't say I'm great in the kitchen. I slap together meals and they're edible. Ya know? I function... There are times when I get the opportunities to go all out (although rare) and make up the concoctions that I love. Bold, rich flavors or spicy yumminess or whatever. Stuff I wouldn't normally be able to put down in front of the kids and expect them to eat.
AND if it's a craving that I'm trying to satisfy and I'm super mega hungry? O!M!G! Is it me or does it seem like it takes FOREVER for whatever it is to finish cooking... WRETCHED! You smell the tasty deliciousness and it's right there and you're so close, but still so far away.... DANG! I've literally stood at the timer and counted down seconds and minutes. (As a side note, half cooked anything that should be cooked all the way through should NOT be consumed.... Bad things... Bad, BAD things...)
I keep a supply of beef jerky and nut bars at my disposal all the time. The thing of it is, I have the metabolism of a Tasmanian devil. I could burn the calories of a pizza just lifting the slices to my face and chewing. Some people hate me for it. Thing of it is, it's not a fun thing to live with. I forget to eat sometimes or I just ignore the "hungry" when I'm in the middle of something. Then I go from being fine one second to having blood sugar issues the next. Fun. So I have a nut bar and some jerky. Then I get REALLY hungry. That's when the cooking process can't happen soon enough... I can't win.
Pfft.... Quirk.

Hummus and other yucky stuff...

GAAAAAAAAAaaaK! I know... I know!!!! I don't know what it is about certain foods that give me the skeeebies... (The best description is hearing Lucky's dad say that eating yogurt is like eating a bad cold...) Hummus and peas... I'm sure that they are just lovely and wonderful in your world and very tasty and all that other crap. For me? NO. It's not to say that I don't try from time to time just to see if my opinions have changed.
I took a cracker and I dipped just the very tip into the hummus container and I put it in my mouth and I chewed... And I spit it out because I knew what it was.
The likelyhood of my being able to explain my  "-ness" to anyone about food in order for a person to truly understand me is slim to none leaning more towards none and slim being about a wide as the thickness of a piece of paper.  I'm just awesome like that.

Nomming...

Nomming IS a word. I don't care what anyone says.
Anyway, the act of nomming should be enjoyable. It shouldn't just be done because it needs to be. What's the point of nomming noms that you don't like or doesn't taste good?
Moderation is always a good thing. Obviously, it isn't a good idea to overdo anything and in excess, but then again, enjoying the noms and being an absolute pig are two very different things.
There's also different kinds of nomming. Nomming noms and nomming things like toes... Both are enjoyable. Nomming off other people's plates is always nommier than nomming off your own. Om nom nomming anything freshly baked is ALWAYS a bonus. Nomming is awesome. There is no negatives to nomming. Nomming is always a positive thing. Nomming while making the "Om nom nom..." noise is acceptable. In fact, I think when nomming, it is mandated by LAW in some places. Nomming nomable noms with nommy nom noms? Awesome...

Food! Glorious FOOD...

I love food. All different kinds. (With the exception of Hummus... Can't do it. It's  a texture thing... Gaaah!) Thai, Mexican, Japanese, Indian, Greek, Italian, American, Chinese, fusions... Dern't matter. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! And a lot of it please!
I've come across people who won't try new things. They stick to the things they know they like and that's it. I don't get it. Food shouldn't be just something you consume because you need to. It should be enjoyed, savored, experienced. Living in the US we have the opportunity to enjoy all sorts of food from all over because there's the "something for everyone" thing happening here.
I love to cook and experiment. Sometimes it's great! Other times... Well, Lucky was really understanding and was a good sport about having his stomach pumped... (Well, okay, it wasn't that bad, but he says he would have been had it come to that!).
It's so easy for people to say "Go out and LIVE!" when they have a whole buttload of money and they can afford to do it. I did find though, that cooking is a way of experiencing something from far away right at home. A form of "living" so to speak. If you have to eat anyway (as it IS kinda necessary for the whole "if you don't want to starve to death" thing...) why not EAT? You have the internet to access all sorts of recipes from anywhere in the world or hard to find ingredients for a certain flavor or just come across simple yet brilliant ideas to "WOW!" an old favorite.I mean it's not like I don't like the "usual staples" like ham and cheese or eggs,bacon and sausage or hot dogs and burgers or whatever, but still...
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM! I always LOVE to hear about food ideas and recipes and junk and stuff. I should start writing them down in one place instead of leaving them all over the place (the method I use for storing a lot of things...). Thankfully I know a few people who rock out loud in the kitchen who are willing to share ideas...

For the love of BACON... Tasty, tasty bacon...

I love bacon. Not the fake turkey shit, but real, oink, oink, from the pig bacon. Anyone who knows me knows that I love bacon. Bacon makes everything better. (Could be the reason why I'm with a cop too...) Add a half a pound of bacon to  anything and it just makes it super awesome.
I'm not sure I understand the whole vegetarian/ vegan thing... Okay, it's a choice, a way of life and you can get protein from other sources and in some ways it may be healthier not to be eating so much meat. Blah, blah, blah... Whatever. I say, you only live once. (Another steak, medium rare, over here, NOW, please!) But to call meat murder? STFU! If meat is murder, I will take my murder medium rare, please! And if you try to stand between me and a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon, there are going to be problems... For you. I eat the meat and I will fuck your shit up.
I figure, if God didn't want you to eat the animals, He wouldn't have made them out of tasty, delicious, meat... And bacon is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Thick cut slabs of yummy, yummy, apple wood smoked bacon... Mmmmm! Bacon. Amen.

Morning coffee...

The stronger the better...
Is there anything better in the morning? Really? (Well, I mean BESIDES that.) The alarm always seems to go off way too early, you're all fuzzy and fluffy around the edges, and the bed is so warm and comfy... But you know you gotta... <Sigh!>  Fine...
That first cup of coffee is your reward for hauling your carcass out of bed... Mmmmm.... Coffee, GOOOOOD!

Super Duper Surprise Cheesey Centered Meat Muffins......

Okay.... So, as I said a few days ago, I'm trying this new thing. I'm posting recipes of noms that we go gaga over. This one actually came from an idea that my boy had. Seriously, it was genius.

Obviously, because I am feeding an army, the measurements of ingredients is pretty large. Fuckin' adjust that shit. It's basic math type stuff.

So, this is the list of shit you're going to need:


2 lbs ground beef
2 lbs ground pork
3 eggs
1/2 c bread crumbs
3 tbls worcestershire sauce
1 large onion, and chop the shit out of that bitch
A SHIT TON of garlic, chopped fine. I usually use about 6-7 cloves. Maybe more. It depends on how offensive I wanna be later.
1/3 c of fresh chopped mint. I know it sounds weird, but it fuckin' works!
a few dashes of that "Italian seasonings" mix
salt/ pepper
1 tub of the Stage 3 Gerber baby food (pick a vegetable flavor)

2 blocks of Cabot Extra Sharp cheddar cut into inch by inch sized cubes. 

Okay, first take all the shit that's in blue, put it into a big fuckin' bowl and mix that shit up. Don't overdo it. Otherwise it'll taste like crap. Seriously.... People make the mistake of mashing the ingredients together too much, and then it all ends up tasting like textureless mash. Yuck.

Once you got that all done, ya gotta start making the meat muffins. Grab a handful of meat, about the size of a baseball, maybe a little smaller. Toss that into a muffin tin. (As shown above in the picture) I end up filling one whole muffin tin and then most of a second one. Now, place a cube of cheese into the center of each meat muffin. I mean bury that fucker in there. Fix the hole (that's the surprise part. When you cut into that meaty goodness, it's like, "SURPRISE! I'm filled with CHEESE!!!!!" Fucking awesome.

Okay, this next part is REALLY fucking important. Put the muffin tins on a cookie sheet. When those bitches start cooking in the oven and all the meat juice starts runnin', it'll spooge out all over the place and you'll end up with a houseful of fuckin' meat juice smoke. It's not fun.

Now, get those cookie sheets into the oven, I don't know, at like 375 and bake the fuck out of them for.... I don't know 25 minutes? I usually guess. Let 'em cool down a bit before you serve them. It's like molten lava inside. It's amusing to see people bite into it and burn their tongues, but it's wrong. I laugh anyway, but it's wrong. You can serve them with ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, plum sauce (AKA Tonkatsu sauce with Japanese hot mustard. Don't know what it is? You have interwebs. Look that shit up yourself!), A-1, plain.... Whatever. It depends on how people like to eat their meat muffins. Obviously, all the ingredients are "adjust to tastes" and adding bacon into the mix ALWAYS makes everything taste better. Just throwing that out there for ya.... Okay.

By the way, you're welcome. This shit is the fuckin' BOMB!

I'm trying something new....

So, I love food. No big secret. I've posted about various whatnots regarding food and told you how yummy it was and shit, but I didn't ever think to share anything beyond that. It won't happen often, but every so often I will pass along some nomminess that you can make at home for yourselves so that you can follow along when I say stuff like, "IT WAS MOUTHGASMIC DELIGHT!!!!!!!" when I'm talking about a certain nom I nommed on. I figured every once in a while I would pop on here and share the recipes for the delicious noms that I made that made me have a screaming orgasm as I nommed all the nommy noms...... Yup. I have decided.... Keep an eye out for them. THEY'LL BE LABELLED UNDER THE FOOD CATEGORY.  And they'll probably just simply have the name of the recipe, like "Beef Curry Stew" in the title or something like that. Keep a look out for them. I REALLY Think that you guys are gonna love the recipes I post and you are gonna want to make them yourselves and nom on them all the time! It's gonna be great! It's all because I love you guys!

:Mwah! Mwah!: Look for recipes! They'll be doozies! I promise! :* It's gonna be great. Just promise you let me know what you thought of the recipes when you're done with them! :)

In vino vertas.....

I am probably the most honest with myself when I've had a glass or two. I've come to several realizations while having imbibed in beer or wine or something. I quiets some of the noise and chatter in my head, it makes others louder, but I definitely get some good thinking done. Well, kind of. Some of these nights have brought about thoughts like, "I wonder what my belly button smells like?" and other times it has brought about some really deep, existential type shit that has shook the foundations of my own "-ness" and rocked me to my core and made me question everything. I guess it really all depends on the mood I started out in.

I always have that certain list of things on my mind that are constantly there. I wouldn't say "nagging at me", but they are things that I constantly think about and debate back and forth with myself about. They would seem unimportant to those who are not me, but I guess they weigh heavy enough in my mind that they are always there.

It's fucking impossible to lie to oneself for too long. Seriously. You just can't hide from yourself. It's amusing to watch people try and do it. You can always tell who they are by the outrageous excuses they constantly have. I don't know who they're trying to fool more. The people around them or themselves. Seriously. And drinking doesn't really help one get away from themselves. Well, unless they become blind, fall down, black out drunk. Then they can be Don Juan Superman or whoever else their strange and / or sick imaginations want them to be, but in the morning, they're still the people they hate most. Knock back a couple and it soon comes to truth sitting there closer to the surface than ever. Sure there are people who say that they "drink to forget", but do they really? Let a drunk person babble on long enough and the most god damnedest of things start pouring out. It's pretty weird.

I'm still a work in progress here. Am I ever going to be satisfied? Probably not. I think that's what life is about though. A constant evolving of oneself to reach self discovery, the only catch being, you never really reach it because you're constantly evolving..... The important thing is to make sure that you're happy with the evolutions as you go along I guess.

Happy chowder?

Well, the last time I attempted to make chowder, it ended in tragedy. 

Well, here comes another attempt at making chowder. Puppy Guts is sleeping, so there's no chance of him burning it this time.

I am going to get the potatoes to potate. Then I'm going to get the bacon all sexy as fuck. I'm going to group sex some onions, celery, butter 'n' herbs 'n' shit and let them make sexy time in some white wine and bacon fat. (YEAH, BABY!!!!) Get some garlic 'n' cream 'n' happy mollusks to orgy in all that love juice! Then it's all going to get some sprinkle time with parsley and everything! (Hey now!) Yup! It's gonna get that sour dough bread all pregnant with the bonery goodness of pure awesome chowder-osity...... :screaming orgasm: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Yeah.... Prepping all this is like the foreplay to this tasty food porn. It takes a solid hour and a half. Seriously. I strain the fuck out of the clam juice to get out all the grit and shit. I rinse to fuck out of the clams to get them to NOT smell like sloppy vaginas.  Gotta use white wine to kill off some of the low tide-ness of the clam chowder. But the shit turns out downright sexy! And when the whole batch mingles and makes sweet, sweet love in the pot overnight, it turns into an even better panty soaking delight.

Yes, my recipes DO say shit like, "Rinse the fuck out of them so they don't smell like sloppy vaginas...." and "....chop the shit out of those bitches", "let that shit make sexy time for a while...", "....close the lid and give it private time to spoo their flavor goo on each other and mix that shit up..." Yeah, my recipes get pretty graphic, which is the reason why I don't exchange recipes with people too often. They just can't handle the fact that food is like porn to me. It is very sexy sexual in my world. I LOVE food. It's some pretty hard core, pornographic stuff right there. Yeehaw! And this chowder is just about a sexy as it gets.

Sad chowder........

When the potatoes are potating, the bacon starts sittin' there looking sexy as FUCK, and you have your onion/butter/garlic/celery/herbs-n-other-shit concoction making sexy time in bacon fat and white wine, it's a very happy thing....... I mean, knowing a chowdah is gonna be a boner inducing/panty soaking experience is just spooge-tastic. It's a labor of love really. It's not a quick slap together meal. I let that shit simmer and brew and cook all day so that all the flavors can get to know each other and make sweet, sweet love in some massive nom stuff orgy so that the end result is an explosion of mouthgasmic bliss. 

And it WAS!!!!!!!!!! Until SOMEONE, who will remain nameless :ehem: <Puppy Guts>, didn't keep an eye on it and stir it constantly while I went to take a shower and ruined the whole pot. 

Yes, I cried. It was very tragic and totally heartbreaking. :C

Classy as FUCK!

This is some classy as fuck shit right here. I ran across THIS beauty at a liquor store nearby and I KNEW that this little gem had to be mine. Mason jar wine glass, that I use as my hooch sipper......

Yup! That's right! That high falootin', classy as fuck, borderline snooty, "Yeah, I know you wanna be my friend!" shit right there.

It's okay to be jealous. I know you want one..... but this one's mine.

Selfish purchase........

So, I have a confession to make. I bought something. It was a purely selfish purchase and I probably should not have spent the money, but I wanted it, I had to have it and I went out and did it. Now, before you go all "judge-y judgerton" on my ass, Puppy Guts will vouch for me and say, I am NOT a shopp-y person. I don't like shopping. It takes a shit ton of effort for me to go to the grocery store, and I do that out of necessity. I can't stand clothes shopping, shoe shopping, ANYTHING shopping.... I don't like it. It's mostly because I don't like people or being around them and interacting with them..... Anyway, so I did it. I went out to go shopping for a completely selfish purchase. I did. I went to Target with the youngest, who was home with me because she had been sick. After three days of being cooped up in the house, she NEEDED to get out. The little snooch scored a new dolly. Creepy looking thing, but hey. Whatever. She had a rough week and she loves her new dolly. Me? I got myself a new crockpot. I sat in the aisle and agonized over which brand and model and stuff. I compared and read all the boxes and compared some more...... Then I settled on the one. I got me a brand new 7 quart crockpot and made an amazing onion soup that Puppy Guts enjoyed thoroughly. I think it kind of made him forget to be a little to be mad that I spent the money on a new crockpot.... Either that or I made it worth it. Whatever.

Yup. That's right. I got myself a crockpot. Now that the weather is getting to be a bit more crisp, I wanted to be able to plan out all the nommy noms I can make with the new slow cooker. I used to have one, but it accidentally got destroyed maliciously during my divorce several years back. I've wanted another one since, but I just couldn't justify spending the money..... Well, I really couldn't justify spending the money now either, but I did it anyway. I'm such a selfish bitch. I will console myself with another helping of some hot, steamy goodness scooped from my selfish purchase. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!

Bacon DOES have it's own food category.

Eldest boy gets home from school as I am sitting down to eat lunch.
Boy: Hey meem! Whatcha eating?
Me: A meatless spicy cheesy wrap thingy.
Boy: What's in it?
Me: Pepper Jack cheese, Cheddar cheese, Monterey cheese, jalapeno peppers, and bacon. 
Boy: I thought you said "meatless". 
Me: Get out. 
Boy: Oh.... Are we still classifying bacon in its own category?
Me: That's it. From here on out, all you get is turkey bacon. 
Boy: OH MY GOD! I'M SORRY! Are you serious??!?? OH MY GOD!!! I'M SORRY!!!!! Mommy, I love you! I'm SORRY!!!!!!!!!

Yup. Even the kids know.

Hun......gry.....

I forget to eat sometimes. I don't know. For whatever reason, I forget. I also have a hyperactive metabolism. Don't call me a skinny little bitch until you've walked a day in my shoes, people. Calm your tits. It's not as super spectacular as it sounds.

I have to take in quite a bit of calories in any given day because my body doesn't store it well. And my blood sugar drops aren't gradual. They are SUDDEN. Like, one second I'm okay, and the next, I'm sweating and can't see straight. Not pleasant at all. I've always got candy bars and granola things and beef jerky and stuff on hand incase I do have one of my good drops. NOT fun, I can assure you. And I can't even begin to tell you how yucky it is to eat a half melted candy bar from a questionable number of years before, that's been sitting in a car that's been parked outside on a hot summer day and licking the foil that the candy bar came in for that tiny bit of a sugar rush in order to normal out.

I'm constantly snacking on stuff when I remember, just to take in the calories I need and it is pretty much a constant battle to maintain what I've got going on. My every day is affected by this constant battle too. My moods, my well being, the way a day can go from good to bad, head aches, tiredness. It's pretty much awesome when I have the bad days, which thankfully, don't happen often. I mean, I would REALLY have to be completely off schedule and my world flipped upside down in order for seriously bad days to occur. Mostly I just get head aches and I'm grumpy, which is just par for the course, so yay! Grumpy and has headache. This how they know me!

Coffee!

The average American drinks about 2-5 cups of this stuff a day. I probably consume a lot more than I should, which probably explains why I am the way I am..... Wait. It wouldn't explain my childhood, pre-the discovery of coffee.... Whatever.

I mean, is there anything better first thing in the morning than that first scalding sip of black delicious liquid yumminess, with all of its promises of caffeinated goodness? I don't think so. We should all be thankful for whoever discovered that roasting coffee beans and then grinding them up and putting them into boiling water in order to create some miraculous infusion of hot energizing awesome. Seriously. Coffee, because coffee, coffee coffee coffee, coffee. Coffee.

NOT kosher.

As with veganism, being kosher is obviously a lifestyle thing too. I am obviously NOT kosher. I am probably SO not kosher, I am the epitome of the OPPOSITE of kosher. And apparently, there are different degrees of kosher and there are some who may be TOO kosher for some kosher people and some who are not kosher enough for others. Ever notice the K in a circle on a package of food or a D or some other letter? Yup. The sign of a kosher product. The letters are an indication of the level of kosh-ocity. Kosher people wouldn't be able to eat food out of my kitchen because bacon has been made there. I mean, there are all different rule to this kosher thing. I'm so glad I'm not. Did you know that bacon is prohibited? Yeah. Fuck THAT shit. I'm thinking that perhaps, kosher is NOT a healthy way of life because there is no bacon involved. Just sayin'..... P.S. I still love my resident BFF Kosher Jew, Mitchie. Come to the dark side. We have bacon.

What? Bacon OBSESSION?

I'm beginning to think that people think I have a bacon obsession..... I mean, I do and I LOVE bacon and pray to bacon and eat bacon and enjoy bacon and bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, but I didn't think I was being so baconly obvious. Because bacon. 

I bacon your baconly apologies that bacon, bacon bacon. Because if you baconly understood how bacony bacon bacon was, then you wouldn't really baconly be offended by the bacony baconness of baconosity. 

I don't baconly have a bacon issue at all. Bacon.