Mia, the Action Figure!

Me as an action figure. Can you imagine THAT shit? Yeah, probably not, but I do all the time. My action figure would come with cool action phases like, "Um... No.", "You're a fuckin' ass hat!", "What are you, fuckin' stupid?" and many others. It would come with a brass knuckle coffee mug, color changing hair, and lots of weapons. It would be wearing jeans, a t-shirt and bunny slippers.... It would be the greatest action figure EVER!!!! I'd TOTALLY buy one!

Another reason I might be going to hell.....

My sense of humor takes me to all sorts of places... Some of it crosses into inappropriately funny.... But I had to stop and think, "Why is it so fucking inappropriate? And who deemed that it is or isn't or should or shouldn't be considered inappropriate anyway?"

It's not like I'll laugh at some atrocious act that led to a bloodbath and murder and crap like that or because of some tragic event or whatever, but I do try and find humor wherever I can because I think it's important.

I laugh when I see people trip and fall. I mean, once I've calmed down, I'll go and see if I can help out and stuff, but I still laugh. I joke about all sorts of things that I probably shouldn't, not because I think it's funny so much as it is, I like to make light of certain serious subjects just to try and soften it up a little for myself. I'm not one for being serious all the time and taking everything so fucking seriously. I can't do it. It makes my head hurt and makes me want to go all bonkers. I need to break it up and find humor in everything, regardless of whether or not it's considered appropriate or not. I don't exactly do it to offend other people. I do it just so I don't end up losing my mind. Of course, that intention ALWAYS gets lost and I end up being deemed an asshole anyway... Oh well...

My excessive use of foul language....

I will address the issue of my excessive usage of "curse words". I swear so much because fuck you.

Nah! I'm just kidding... Seriously. I'm actually going to address this:

I don't think that my swearing is necessarily excessive. It's not like I'm saying fuck or piss or cunt or shit or whatever ALL the time. I mean, yes I swear and I use the word FUCK as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an interjection, whatever. Same with the word SHIT. I make up my own words sometimes and I also know how to cuss someone out in six different languages. But does that make my use of swear words excessive?

The way I see it, they're just words. People are shitty and selfish and malicious and mean and cruel and downright disgusting towards one another and my using the FUCK word is offensive? THAT'S what people will find offensive.... Are you fucking kidding me?

You know what, I'm really starting to feel rather ridiculous that I have to explain this. I'm gonna stick to my original explanation and say: I swear so much because fuck you. There are those who understand and everyone else can go fuck themselves.

Certainly me.....

I am very easily amused by simple things. I can make pretend an epic moment out of the most mundane things. I laugh at random things. What can I say? It's who I am. Laughing is so important. I try to do it as often as I can, despite what my day is like. I like to finish things off with an epic (pretend) movie explosion. I like to do the slow-mo walk, without looking back with cool theme music in the background thing when I'm done with things too. There is just a certain feeling, a certain little positive moment that can make the difference when I'm having a particularly shitty day and stuff like this helps. Something in the back of my mind that is constantly saying, if I can find ONE positive thing or ONE happy thing or ONE thing that makes me laugh, it couldn't have been such a bad day.... Some days that works better than others, but there are some days that it takes a little extra effort. Thankfully, because I am so easily amused, it doesn't take much these days. I think because I have excised quite a bit of negative shit from my life. Although I still have quite a ways to go, in looking back, I've come a long way.

It's not that I like to look back often, but every once in a while, a glance over my shoulder to see how far I've come isn't a terrible thing.... But NEVER when I'm walking away from a toilet that automatically flushes. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

Everyone thinks it, I just say it out loud....

Sometimes I mean to say things out loud, sometimes I don't.... I'll never say which times are which... We all think the same things sometimes. "Jeez, I wish that bitch would shut up!" "OMG! That looks hideous!" "Holy shit! This stuff tastes like CRAP!" "What the fuck is WRONG with him?" "Some people REALLY deserve to die a long and agonizing death, in a closet, by themselves!" I don't know whether it's my lack of patience for most people, my lack of tolerance for shitty people, or maybe it IS a personality flaw that I need to work on because I truly AM an abrasive bitch, but I say stuff like that out loud in my outside voice sometimes.

Although I really think that it's important for some things to be left unsaid, there certainly are plenty of other things that SHOULD be said, out loud, for everyone to hear because everyone should know or it should just be said out loud because no one else has the balls to say it, even though it needs to be said. Maybe it's another one of my many quirks. I don't know. Whatever.

My Imaginary Minions.....

My imaginary minions are a hard working crew. They don't ever complain, they work for free, they listen and take orders well, they never question my orders whether it puts their live in danger or not and they get the job done and the job done well..... In my mind.

I've always complained that I don't have genetically engineered minions of my own to do my bidding, without question and without reason. But quite honestly, I don't really know that I would be able to rest at ease knowing that the deed was tasked to others and without having done the job myself.

Maybe its' the O.C.D. side of my nature (I do quite often talk about my A.D.D., but not too much of my O.C.D.), but I would need to know RIGHT THEN AND THERE, that my carefully calculated and laid out plans were carried out TO SPEC. by the beings (?) that had been tasked to make that undertaking a reality. Maybe it's a control issue. If I think about it, there are a few aspects in my own life I cannot control simply because I have to depend on some unreliable people. And I have to say, it's not a happy feeling.

My many plots to take over the world and ideas on how to do so will more than likely NEVER come to fruition. I will probably only have my imaginary minions that will carry out my stratagem for world domination in my mind and in my mind only. Then, I will rule the world and shape it into whatever I want to suit my needs in my head. Yes.... I live in my own little world sometimes, but it's okay. They know me there....

Onward!

There are some days that I wallow in my own self pity and roll around in it until I reek of it. It doesn't ever really last too long. Maybe it's my A.D.D., I don't know. But my attentions seem to wander away from it after a while and I end up thinking about how the way chickens walk is absolutely hysterical... Whatever! It's a quirk, okay? ( Don't mother fucking judge me you piece of shit, ass licker! You don't shit eating know me, cock sucker! Hmm.... Maybe, perhaps there is part Tourette's in there too....  Not really. I really just swear a lot because FUCK YOU!)

Sometimes, it doesn't seem so long ago that I was faced with some pretty rough times and how difficult and wretched they seemed to be. Other times, it feels like those times were a lifetime ago and I'm left wondering why they diminished me so much. Don't get me wrong. There were certain events that will stay with me for the rest of my life, but on the other hand, they didn't break me so much as shape me into the person I became.

Maybe it's just me, (call it another quirk if you must.....) but I always like to look forward. Sure, I'll wallow in the self pity and my own pathetic little abyss of downward spiraling from time to time, but on the other side of that, looking forward and looking to the future brings me comfort and peace. Having lived through some hardships and heartbreaks and living through them and coming out into the light once again, my belief that "everything is going to be okay if I have the strength and courage to make it through this...." has seen me through some rather difficult times.

It's never an easy thing to see past the misery and desolation when you're living in that moment. When the wounds are so fresh and so raw, and the agony is all you can see and feel..... It's so wretchedly, emotionally painful that it becomes something that is physically debilitating. It's a funny thing though. Although looking forward can be a tough thing, looking back at what you HAVE survived seems like steps forward. Stepping stones to get you to where you are. The foundations to moving forward. Sure, it was a tough ordeal. Sure, it wasn't easy. But here you are. What makes THIS moment any different from any of those other moments? Those moments when you thought, "THIS is the worst day of my life!" and you were able to move forward, survive and be happy again.  WHY should this one be any different? It shouldn't.

Picking yourself up by the bootstraps isn't always easy, but I think it's GOT to be more miserable to languish in the misery like some people are known to do. Come on. We all know one or two (at least). The eternal victims. The ones who love the drama and love to be miserable. I don't know. Maybe it's the attention they crave... I think it's retarded. Do these people actual think themselves worthy of any kind of positive attention? I don't fuckin' think so. You are going to be stamped a loser and while you sit in your kiddie pool of woe, the rest of the world is going to move forward without you. And WAY later on in life, the biggest regrets of those people are the "shoulda, coulda, woulda".... And all they really needed to do was put on the big boy or big girl pants and make positive steps forward.

The strength and measure of a person shouldn't be measured by the intentions of what someone would have done, should have done, could have done. It should be based on the actions of what the individual actually did. It's really rather a shame that some people can't see past the negative and see that there is  truth in doing something to move forward and upwards.

My Musical Ability.....

I don't have any musical ability, really. I am in no way musically gifted. I can't sing, (or dance....) Sure, I can play a few instruments of various whatever, but it's not like I have some kind of talent for it....

My children on the other hand are far better at it than I ever was or ever will be. They have a knack for it, an ear for it (although I DO question some of their tastes in what they call "music"...) and I try to encourage them at every opportunity. They constantly have access to the pianos and drums and guitars and the violin and whatever else they find lying around and in the beginning, it was rather difficult to listen to, but I never begrudged them the freedoms to "practice", which I think was an awesome decision. They had to start somewhere. :sigh: Here's hoping that I end up with the next family music sensation!

Are you ALWAYS like........ this?

My days always vary from day to day and I never really know what the day is going to bring or what to expect. The thing that does remain a constant, for the most part, is my consumption of caffeinated beverages and energy drinks throughout the day. Some days, I pray at the Altar of Keurig more often than others and I don't have stashes of Rock Star around all the time. So.... I guess the question, "Are you ALWAYS like.....THIS?",  is relative. It depends on the amount of caffeine and energy drinks I consume.

I get asked this question quite often though: Are you ALWAYS like... this? To answer, well, yeah. I guess I kind of am. There are always varying degrees and levels and yeah, it really does depend on my caffeination level and how many energy drinks I had consumed that day, but for the most part, this is me. This is what I do. I have a theme song for everything, I have an AWESOME soundtrack, everything ends with super movie explosions of EPIC Michael Bay/ Jerry Bruckheimer proportions (well, in my mind anyway), I am an ultra spaz, I speak my mind, I use foul language A LOT, I have attention deficit issues, I have obsessive/ compulsive issues about certain things and I can be rather abrasive. Some people find this all to be part of my charm. Others find it to be offensive and needing change. (These people don't know what fun is and need to remove the cacti from their rectums.) And still others think that I'm weird and stuff. (Those are the people with the least amount of imagination and lack intelligence.) I am tired of being something that I'm not to please other people. (Those people can go blow goats.) So, that's the longer answer to that question.

So, when I get asked, "Are you ALWAYS like...... this?" my short answer is usually : Yeah.Yeah I guess I am.

I'm not quite sure what the "this" in the questions insinuates, but well, at least I know who I am and I'm cool with it. I'm pretty sure that it means "totally, super-awesome and mega-epic, larger than life cool" though.

My advice....

I don't know what it is about me, but I have people coming to me and asking for my advice or my opinions on things a lot. It's not that I mind really. Coming from friends and family members (the VERY few of them I can stand), it's actually a very welcome distraction and I like the idea of being able to help them out in a small measure.
Sometimes, I get strangers or people I hardly know who ask me for advice or for my opinion and that's kind of neat too. I don't know what it is about my -ness that draws people to me for advice, but it happens.
Then we get to the whiners..... The poor me, everything is terrible, doom sayers who complain about everything and even though you offer advice, they go on about their miserable existences anyway because they prefer to stay in their own miserable cesspools of ever impending doom. Why would you ask for the damn advice if you're not going to take it? Seriously! Go back into your dark cloud. Poof! Be gone.

Bleeerg.......

I *almost finished a **5k run this morning!
* "almost" meaning I actually did finish it
** "5k run" meaning a whole, raw and still frozen Mrs. Smith's Original Flaky Crust apple pie

This was probably not the smartest thing I've ever done...... Sadly, it's definitely not the dumbest thing either. I never want to eat pie again.....

Until tomorrow.   

Caffeine....

I go through cycles of "giving up coffee" for an amount of time, but I always go back to it for the same reasons. Caffeine.
There is something truly wonderful about that first jolt one will experience when the caffeine kicks in. Ahh.... The invincible feeling one can get when after six or so cups of coffee before lunch, you go on about your day and whirlwind-ing through everything like the world has stopped in time. :sigh: It's blissful!
The harshness comes at the crash though.... I either end up with a wicked anxiety attack or a case of the major sleepies. Always fun to deal with. :sigh: Still trying to find the perfect balance.

Maybe I AM just a bitch....

I've come to realize that some people are just not going to be happy.... Ever. Whether my role of "bitch" in a person's life is of my making or not, apparently, I AM the person who fills that role in their lives. Whatever. As I continue on my path and letting the bricks fall, moving forward has been quite a bit easier. I'm not letting the little things stand in the way of the next goal or the steps to get to my next goal. In looking towards the next goal, I find that I no longer really have the time to invest in the petty little dramas of others' lives when I actually have some serious shit I have to be dealing with in my own. Their little issues in their own little worlds are not my problem and I do not intend to make them my problem. Now should this become a problem that comes a knockin' on my front door, it will be greeted with the same fervor and strength and energy and tenacity and every one of the resources at my disposal, just like everything else that gets thrown into my path that I have to deal with. I will own it, I will beat it to a pulp and I will make it my bitch.
The dawn of a new me has started with me. It's still kind of dark and I'm feeling my way around, but at least I am taking the initiative to reaching my destination instead of wallowing in the dark in self pity and self imposed misery. What began with a few very tentative steps forward is now becoming confident strides forward. The load gets lighter as I've learned to let go of certain burdens and navigating my way through has gotten easier. Step by step.....
So feel free to use my image as the symbolic bitch in your world. It seems I hold a big enough portion of some peoples' thoughts and feelings that I matter enough for them to hate me. In the meantime,  mind your business and get out of "mah house" and don't let the door hit you on your ample ass on the way out. Go do your hating elsewhere. You are clouding my aura and misaligning my feng shui or whatever.

Aging....

I look in the mirror and I'm starting to see fine lines when a smile and gray hairs. But I'm not really all too bothered by it. Not as much as I thought I would be at this age anyway. My shape isn't the same as it used to be, like say, when I was in my twenties, but it's okay.
No matter what my complaint about myself, my Puppy Guts tells me that I am the end all be all of absolute perfection. It's not to say that I won't moisturize and will stop exercising, but it sure is nice to hear....

Migraines....

For anyone who suffers from migraines, you know.... They range from mildly annoying to absolutely debilitating. The flashing lights and dizziness, then becoming light sensitive to the point where you can HEAR the the high pitched, loud, ear piecing whining of any light that make you wish your head would explode. The noises that come with the light show every time you hear the sounds that they make, tend to be very disorienting and nauseating. Going through three different meds in strength order, praying that one of them would work, the feeling of blah that you get to experience the whole day while trying to keep the contents of your head contained within your skull, and locking yourself up in a dark, cramped closet to escape all the everything. And you just can't crawl out of yourself to get away from it either... I know that if I had a day to sleep it through, it might go away, but when dealing with four children, I can't disappear to take a wellness nap. Yippee.... I trudge through the day...
:s

Coherence....

It's funny (well at least to me) how incoherent I seem when I have a thought process that invades my mind and takes over. The million and one ideas that race through my mind every second and the way I want to verbalize them, especially when I am very excited about an idea, doesn't exactly work out sometimes.... It all sounds so great in my head, but I always end up sounding like an over-caffeinated, way too excited three year old explaining their favorite show on television to a person or persons they've just met. Then (especially when it's a person I've just met) I have to explain to them that I really am actually more intelligent than I seem. They give me "the stare". Me- No really! I am! Them- Uh-huh... :continues to stare:
To break that tension, I'll usually throw in the, "Well, I AM feeling pretty feeling special today! Not the helmet wearing, crayon eating, marker sniffing, window licking, paste tasting, laugh at random objects kind of special.... Well, ok, maybe just a little...." It doesn't help nor dies it support my argument.
:SIGH: Another quirk.... Damn!

My brain to mouth filter.....

Some things are best left unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right...... I may not even have one. Hmm..... That would certainly  explain a lot.... 
The thing is though, a good portion of the time, I don't feel as if though I have my foot in my mouth either. Sometimes, I might, but not always. I do catch myself saying something that perhaps shouldn't have been said with my outside voice, sure and I will ask, "Did I say that out loud?" but I am not one to censor myself all the time. Some of the time, I mean the things I say and I mean for them to come out and be heard. Not EVERY time, but there are times.... I'll never say when and which times though....You'll just have to guess.

The Mighty Vanquisher......

So, I mashed a fly that was on the wall with an empty wrapping paper tube.The fly ended up falling in the gap between the side table and wall. So, I triumphantly brandished the cardboard tube over my head like a sword and roared down a mighty, "THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" at the fly, laying dead, all squished and twitchy in the abyss. 
Yeah. That just happened. I am The Mighty Vanquisher of Bugs. All hail.


Yes, I know I am only an absolute legend in my own mind, but it's just who I am. I am planning on making a crown covered in the wings, antennae, and legs of all my vanquished foes. I shall be known in their circles as the Slayer of Musca domestica and I shall be worshipped like a GOD! 

Yes, I'm like "this" all the time. 

I'm not "funny looking", my face just has a lot of "Character"....

I am a funny looking woman, made even funnier looking because I am about as graceful as a drunken walrus and I fall a lot..... And I generally arrest the rapid deceleration of my decent with my face. It's kind of cool. I sport multiple scars and a crooked nose, and I have a very "special" quality about me. I do. It's okay. I've accepted who and what I was a LONG time ago. It's okay to laugh. I do it quite often myself when I look in the mirror!

So, now that we determined that I am NOT Charlize Theron and have established that I will never be the next cover girl for some outlandishly priced makeup company, I get to my point:

I used to hate that I didn't look like everyone else.... That I didn't have the blond hair and the blue eyes. The fact that I didn't have "white" skin. The fact that at ten paces, no matter what, I could be picked out as a "minority" right away. I mean, that was, like, in first grade.... I pretty much got over that shit pretty early on. I accepted that I was a short, funny looking, flat chested, weirdo with A.D.D, O.C.D., and a tome full of quirks that can't be figured out by any mere mortal. I am okay with that too. I look the same as I did when I was in the sixth grade. Maybe a bit more muscle tone, gray hairs and the freckle fairy, who wasn't too nice to me in my youth found me again and poofed my face with a bunch more, but whatever. It's all good. I have a man who clearly loves me for everything that I am, because of who I am. It's kind of an awesome feeling. :)

Making Funny Faces....

I like to amuse myself sometimes by making really goofy faces and taking pictures of myself. I don't know when I started doing it, but it's a thing. I've been doing it for quite some time now. Yes, it's kind of dorky and stuff, but I already knew that about myself and I think it's entertaining and fun and also helps to bring levity and happiness into my day.

I think it's also important to be able to not take yourself so seriously and be able to laugh at yourself from time to time. I mean for real AND on purpose. A lot of people really do take themselves WAY too seriously and they really have no reason to because they really aren't as awesome as they think themselves to be. There really isn't a good fucking reason why we have to be so uptight and serious all the time. I think taking oneself too seriously leads to unhappiness and high blood pressure and heart attacks and shit like that. And quite honestly? Who doesn't feel better after a a good laugh? Another point is, I really truly believe that it's hard to take a person who's too serious about themselves, seriously.

Making funny faces in the mirror and laughing like an idiot can cure a person of that a little. You can't really take yourself too seriously when you're making a face that makes you look like an Ewok on crack or a squinty eyed Miss Piggy. How can you not crack a little smile when you're sitting there with your tongue hanging out, your nose turned up like a pug and your eyes crossed? Everyone could use a little levity in their lives. Making faces at yourself is a great way to do it, and no. And, regardless of what your mom told you when you were growing up, it's not gonna stay that way. I promise.