Songs that BEG for "air guitar"!

Don't even try... You've done it... I know you have. You might play, you might not play, but EVERYONE has played the air guitar at one point in their lives... Shut up. Yes you have. Come ON! There are just songs that BEG for it... Songs like:
1.)Sweet child o' Mine (Guns 'n' Roses)
2.) Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
3.) Crazy Train (Ozzy)
4.) Thunderstruck (AC/DC)
5.) La Grange (ZZ TOP)
6.) Satch Boogie (Duh! Satriani)
7.) Land of Confusion (but the Disturbed version...)
8.)Everything Eric Clapton... "Jeez Geoff, I didn't know you liked Clapton!"   "Doesn't everybody?"
9.) Wild Thing (but the Sam Kinison version...)
10.) Play with Me (Extreme)
11.) Epic (Faith No More)
12.) Juke box Hero (Foreigner)
13.) I Stand Alone (Godsmack)
14.) Points of Authority (Linkin ParkReanimation (Dig))
15.) Cowboy (Kid Rock)
16.) Beat It (Michael Jackson ONLY because of Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo...)
17.) Enter Sandman (Metallica)
18.) Shit... Damn near everything Metallica!
19.) Side of a Bullet (Nickelback)
20.) Louie, Louie (The Kingsmen or John Belushi/ Animal House)
21.) Tom Sawyer (RUSH)
This list will grow over time...

I would've given you the fuckin' money if you had asked!

So, a few years ago, I was walking across the parking lot of a shopping center. I had one of my kids in the shopping cart and I threw my purse into the cart. It was open.... Some guy came out from behind me, dropped me onto my butt, reached into my bag and made off with about $14... My boy and I were left unharmed and that was the end of that...
I gave this whole incident some thought... Probably more than it deserved, but I did... I can understand being so desperate that you would go to any lengths to get money... At least that was my take on this guy's situation. It wasn't like he tried to rob me at gun or knife point and if he had intended to do any real harm to me or the boy, it would have been done. Hell, he could have taken the whole purse, contents and all, but he didn't. He just took the money that was sitting at the top of my open purse... (I, like some women, just throw shit into the bag and rummage through later to play hide and seek...) So I became rather MEOW! about the whole situation. If he'd of asked for the money, I probably would have given it to him. Jerk.... On the other side of that, if he had laid so much as a finger on my child, I probably would have killed him or at the very least done him severe damage. I don't get people. Me likes them less and less...

Go away! Bye-bye Mommy!

<Sigh!> My little miss independent with her "I can dooooo it my by myself!"
Whether it's picking out clothes and putting them on, getting ready for a bath, brushing her teeth, pouring milk into a cup, turning on the tv, getting into her bed, getting out of her bed or calculating this:

 

It doesn't matter. She can do it by herself and she will let everybody know it! Fine! <Sniffle!> I get it! I understand... Kinda... 

With three older brothers she is strong, she's no pansy and her will is iron. It's awesome to watch. So I let her do the thing on her own, but always stay near enough that should she need it, the help is there. It's nice to know that there are times when she still "needs" me and will run full bore at me for a hug though! Happiest of birthdays to you my sweet!

At night...

At night when everyone is asleep and all is quiet... That's probably my favorite time. I like to enjoy the little bit of peace and quiet and collect my thoughts and piece together the sanity so that I can be ready to face the morning... It's a time when I check in on the kids and they're all hunkered down and nestled into their beds and they look angelic.
Despite what may have happened or what's going on, it just doesn't seem to matter and all seems well with the world... Yeah... It's cool.

My sister...

I suppose life wouldn't have been too bad for either of us if we had been only children... In different families... On opposite sides of the world...
There's an eleven year gap between us and growing up with her as an older sister was tough. She is a sadistic bitch and the "favorite"... Any of the "games" we played usually ended with me sustaining multiple injuries by her hand and yet I got yelled at to be more careful... I'm still not sure how that worked. Oh well...
That was when I was smaller than her... I'd like to see her try any of that shit now. I'd toss her a whoopin' crammed packed with years of pent up rage and frustration... I'm sure my parents would hoot and holler at me about it, but it'd be worth it.

The "Face Palm".....

We've all seen the face palm in action. We've all used the face palm.... Listed are the applications to the different degrees of face palm!

The single face palm: Used in a situation... Oh,I don't know... Say that someone (NOT ME) was driving around, minding their own fucking business, going about their day. Said person comes to a red light and stops. Seems like the right thing to do, no? The idiot behind said person doesn't because said idiot wasn't paying attention. WHAM! Right into the back of the fuckin' car... Oh...No... You... DIDN'T! Shit! Idiot gets out of the car in a huff, screaming and yelling and cursing away because his car is damaged and he lost the important call he was on... Excuse me?

The double face palm: This can be applied when aforementioned idiot goes over to the car he hit and starts to yell at the driver of said car, who was guilty of stopping at a red light.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Fuckin' asshole! Don't you know how to drive? What the fuck is the matter with you??!??"
At this point, other cars are starting to stop and park. Some out of morbid curiosity because it looks as if a large quantity of shit is about to hit a high powered fan or because the occupant of the other car was a woman and the idiot was a rather large man...

The triple face palm: This one is one that is used when things are about to hit critical mass. Let's say like when idiot orders the woman of the car... (Now, police were already summoned and on their way...) She would not comply. He started punching the car and slamming his fists onto the hood of the car and rocking the car demanding that the woman get out. At this point the occupants of the other cars that had parked are getting out of their vehicles... But before too long, police are on scene (Aww! Shucky DARN!!! There were some that wanted to lay down the vigilante justice... Ehem...)and idiot takes a break from further damaging woman's car. The woman, relieved to see the police gets out of her car thinking idiot wouldn't do anything now because the police were there... Right? (This gets better... Trust me...)

The MISSION FAILED face palm: Exactly what it says... Mission: Failed. Idiot grabs woman by the arm as she tries to make her way over to the police officers and get the fuck away from idiot. Idiot yanks her over to him and <SLAP!>,  woman got a face full of backhand, in front of about a dozen witnesses AND four officers.  Only after striking the woman did idiot think, "That might have been a bad idea..." but not before he was tackled to the ground by four police officers... Onto pavement... Face first... <Sharp intake of breath!>, Oooh! Woman added insult to injury by performing the "Brooklyn Shuffle"... On his head... Which conveniently, nobody saw... Go figure!
And how was your day?

Fornication!

There's so many ways to say it... Getting the obvious ones like having sex, fucking, humping, boning, boinking, shpoinking, screwing, doing the do and making love aside, there are some pretty clever euphemisms for pulling the meat bus into tuna town... Let's explore them, shall we?
Shtooping, boffing, bumping uglies, hiding the salami, the beast with two backs, fun time with Mr. Meat Puppet, porpoise jumps through the hoop, riding the bologna pony, poking  fur, batter dipping the corn dog, wetting the wick, feeding the beaver, giving the hot beef injection, harnessing the underwear unicorn, taking the love luge on the inbound loin line, doing the hokey pokey, burying the one eyed worm, filling the cream doughnut, pulling the Pontiac into the garage of love, checking the oil... There's so many! See how many you can come up with!

Morning coffee...

The stronger the better...
Is there anything better in the morning? Really? (Well, I mean BESIDES that.) The alarm always seems to go off way too early, you're all fuzzy and fluffy around the edges, and the bed is so warm and comfy... But you know you gotta... <Sigh!>  Fine...
That first cup of coffee is your reward for hauling your carcass out of bed... Mmmmm.... Coffee, GOOOOOD!

My dream car...

I know that I've briefly touched upon my car going VROOOOOOOM! Well, at least my wish for having a car that went VROOOOOOOOOM! Now, some would have recognized that the car pictured in that post was a 1970 Chevy Chevelle SS... <Sigh!>
My dream car will have a 454 big block engine with a forged and balanced bottom end, four bolt splayed mains, a BIG bump stick, and a blower. This will be mated to a HD four speed tranny via a competition clutch (four on the floor baby,  four on the floor!). The power will hit the pavement through a twelve bolt cone type posi rear with 3.43 gears. It will be a bright happy pink with Hello Kitty EVERYTHING (including interior!) and it will be pretty.
I know I will never be considered a gear head because I will still refer to parts and pieces as "Ooh, SHINY!" and "Wow! Pretty!" just 'cause I'm a girl. True gear heads out there roll their eyes when I say stuff like that, but that's okay... I may not know my parts and pieces, but I do know how to drive...

Irony...

Irony is defined as situation in which there is a sharp incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident intention of words or actions.
The essential feature of irony  is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied.
There are three different types of irony: dramatic, situational, and verbal.
Dramatic Irony is the contrast between what the character knows and what his audience knows. For example, that puddle in the parking lot is not actually just a puddle. It is a large deep pothole filled with cold, muddy water. It's basically a miniature swimming pool for small dogs. Apparently everyone got the memo about it not being just a puddle. Everyone but me. At least, that's what I gathered when I was the only one walking around with a soggy left shoe that made the "squish... squish... squish..." sound as I walked and was soaking wet from the knee down. Friggin' bastards...

Situational Irony is the contrast between what was expected to happen and what actually ended up happening. Example: I SO wanted to be free from misery... Now I live with my parents...'Nuff said...

Verbal Irony is the contrast between what is said and what is meant. And, example: I am absolutely THRILLED that idiots seemed to have taken over the world and I have to deal with them while I'm out and about! It's just so FRIGGIN' special!

This  is the story of my life. Normally, I find irony to be humorous and amusing. Call it my twisted sense of humor...
"Mia, it's your twisted sense of humor..."
Yeah, thanks.
I'm just not feeling it today. Oh, wait! I think  I might be... Um... Never mind. That's just indigestion...

The many uses of duct tape...

There are so many uses for duct tape, it's not even funny. Duct tape fixes most everything... The military uses it, NASA uses it, NASCAR uses it (hence the name "200 mile an hour tape"), mechanics, engineers, electricians, plumbers, everyday Joe, you, me... Everybody uses duct tape...
Think about the many applications for duct tape! You can use it to fix household items inside and out, automotive, appliances, the hole in the wall created by an active 5 year old... There's amusment with duct tape too... Have you ever taken a small piece and put it on the bottom of a cat's paw?
Don't have a prom dress or tux? Duct tape can fix that too. There are websites dedicated to "Duct Tape Fashions"... I'm not kidding... You can make wallets, shoes, belts, ties, shirts, pants, jackets, dresses, swim wear, underpants... And with the many colors and patterns that duct tape comes in now... Hours of endless fun!
What other anything in the world can you say does what duct tape does... Really. And remember: Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Can I get an "Amen!" part 2...

Just some more random things that I know we can all agree on... I know I did this before, but here are some more basic universal truths that we can all relate to. Sometimes we need a little reminder that we ain't so different after all! Can I get an "Amen!"

Bacon is still fuckin' awesome! Can I get an "Amen!"

NO OBAMACARE!!!! Can I get an "Amen!"

While we're at it, get Obama out of office!!!! Can I get an "Amen!"

The food is the best part of the holidays. Can I get an "Amen!"

"Cute things exploding" on youtube.com is funny as hell! Can I get an "Amen!"

HELL NO TO SHARIAH LAW!!!!!!!  Can I get an "Amen!"

"Fun Size" candy bars should really be 3.5 feet x 5.5 feet and 3 inches thick. Can I get an "Amen!"

Waitin' for Boondock Saints 3!   Can I get an"Amen!"

Rocco is alive, dammit!   Can I get an "Amen!"

Proud to be an American! And if you're here and you ain't or you're here illegally and you wanna talk shit, GET OUT MAH HOUSE!   Can I get an "Amen!"

Snow is pretty to look at, but WTF! I hate it!   Can I get an "Amen!"

I liked it better when 1+1=2 and there wasn't a "process". The fuckin' answer was 2. Can I get an "Amen!"


There is NO reason for a sick child to be out of the house unless it is to go to the doctor.  Can I get an "Amen!"

We're all sick and tired of the hope-y change-y shit, 'cause it ain't workin'! Can I get an "Amen!"

The display of "human nature" on Black Friday is terrifying... Can I get an "Amen!"

It's sad when you can make a list of people who would be doing the world a favor by burying themselves under a rock and dying. Can I get an "Amen!"

It's even more sad when you make someone's list... Can I get an "Amen!"

It' sad when you have to pick the lesser of two evils because it's still an evil you had to pick... Can I get an "Amen!"

We as humans are naturally meat eaters and meat is good! Can I get an "Amen!"

BOURBON!      "AMEN!"

PLEASE! For the love of all things holy, NO MORE TOYS THAT MAKE NOISE!!!!! Can I get an "Amen!"

Bacon Rocks!   Amen! Amen!! Amen!!!!

Why is it...

Why is is that...
... no matter how hard I try, anything that comes in a squeezy tube, I can't get that last little bit out especially when that's all I have left...
...when I have two options and I pick one, it's the wrong one...
... it always rains on my parade...
... I debate whether to go the last round of kicking the heavy bag and when I do, THAT'S when I break my toe!
... when there's only one cup of coffee left, and I make it up all nicey nice and I'm sitting down and starting to enjoy it AND THE FRIGGIN' HANDLE ON THE MUG BREAKS CAUSING ME TO SPILL THE LAST CUP OF HOT COFFEE INTO MY LAP!
... no matter what time of the day or night I go to the grocery store, it's always crowded and the cashier says to me, "Wow! It was so dead about half an hour ago!"
... I'm always early or late, but never on time...
... once I get BACK from the store, THAT'S when I get told we needed something else...
You know what? Tell that Murphy guy that if I ever catch up to him, I've got a few words to say to him about his "law" and they ain't gonna be too nice!

Happy Birthday, Little Man.....

I remember the time when you decided that you were going to start doing things by yourself. You learned all your letters. You learned numbers, shapes, colors. You learned to put the letters together and a=make words and you were reading at two years old. You didn't like the idea of being in the giant octagon and would hoist it up over your head to go exploring into the other areas of the house. You wanted to play along with your older brothers and you were going to do what you wanted to do.

Your imagination and creative grew as fast as your intelligence and by the time you were three years old, you were wondering why it was that you weren't going to school like your brothers were. Although you would have been capable.....

Now, you are in school, zipping along through your classes like a true champ and growing into a fine young man, full of curiosity and you haven't lost the insight and intelligence to see passed what was being taught, but beyond that, learning so much more than what's there in front of you. I am such a proud mama.

I hope you never lose all of those qualities and you continue to grow in leaps and bounds and become the amazing man I know you will someday be. In the meantime, don't forget that it's okay to keep on being mama's little boy too. You don't always have to be mama's little man. I love you always...XOXOX

The language of toddlers...

Ever sit and listen to what small children say? I mean if you have little ones and you're communicating with them, you can understand what they're saying, but if someone else walked into the conversation, it sounds... Wrong... Just an example...If Foppin' (and it almost sounds like "fuckin'")= Flapping, kokman = Pokemon, fock = fork and sheek = sheep, what you hear is:
"Kokman foppin' wif sheek. I haba fock too!"
What I hear is: "I'm playing with my Pikachu and sheep stuffed animals. I'm pretending that they're flying. See them flapping their pretty pretty wings? I have a fork. I found it with my toys and  I think it needs to go into the sink..."
I wish little kids had "baby-speak translators" that scrolled what they are saying in adult-speak built into their clothes or something...

Running with scissors...

With four kids, I find myself constantly hootin' and hollerin' about something. "Get that outta yer mouth!", "Stop hitting yer brother with that stick!", "Don't call your brother a cootie infested booger head!", "Did you wash your hands after touching that?", "Can you please stop (pick one...) screaming/ whining/ kicking/ punching/ pinching/ slapping/ throwing stuff/ eating the playdough/ Etc.?", "Get your finger outta there!", "Why are you naked and why do you have your underpants on your head?!", "What's that smell?",  "Stop running in the house!", "Don't touch that!", "Are you serious?!!!" ... The list goes on...
I can tell my kids a hundred times, a hundred different ways to do something or not do something... Do they listen? <Sigh!> ... No. I wonder if they hear me at all... ("Did you hear me?!!? Hello?")
It starts first thing in the morning... They fight, they scream, they run around like rabid and heavily caffeinated  weasels and it's a wonder that the four of them and I survive a day... But then there are moments when they're all sitting down and doing something together or playing together... And I tend to forget everything else. Yes, they try my patience, they drive me nuts sometimes and I am ready to tear my hair out, but at night, when they're all tucked into bed and sleeping, I wonder what I was so fussed about.
I'm sure that tomorrow, it'll start all over again. They'll be fighting, yelling, screaming, doing stuff they ought not to be, neglecting the things they should be doing and running around with scissors... Thank God for Red Bull and a mother's love...
As much as I say to people sometimes when they comment on how cute my children are, "Yeah... You don't live with them!" they're good monkeys and my kids rock out loud... And more than most!

Can I get an "AMEN"!

We all have our different opinions on all sorts of things... I get that. Really, I do... However, there are some things that should be seen as universal truths... You'll understand... Can I get an "AMEN"?
Bacon is awesome! Can I get an "Amen"?
Dogs are cool! Can I get an "Amen"?
Pizza ROCKS! Can I get an "Amen"?
I don't care if you're a man or a woman... Everyone can appreciate that nice tits are nice tits! Can I get an "Amen"?
FWD hole shots are a poor substitute for the real thing! Can I get an "Amen"?
Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Milla Jovovich, Kate Beckinsale and Kiera Knightley are HAWT! Can I get an "Amen"?
While we're on it, Christian Bale, Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, Denzel Washington and a young Sean Connery are HAWT too! Can I get an "Amen"?
Chocolate and peanut butter really DO go great together! Can I get an "Amen"?
Stick is better than automatic! Can I get an "Amen"?! (Four on the floor, baby, four on the floor!)
No matter how much technology you pack into a 9mm round, it will never beat .45 ball! Can I get an "Amen"?
There is a difference between which way the toilet paper is hung! Can I get an "Amen"?
Garlic...too much is never enough.  Can I get an "Amen"?
Firefighters are brave mofos!  Thank God for them!  Can I get an "Amen"?
 Coffee.... stronger is better.  Can I get an "Amen"?
Money isn't everything, but winning Powerball would be great!  Can I get an "Amen"?
Jack Kevorkian for Whitehouse physician.  Can I get an "Amen"?
Rollercoasters are just friggin' kewl!  Can I get an "Amen"?
World Cup Soccer can get a little boring at times.  Can I get an "Amen"?
Mac kicks the snot out of PC.  Can I get an "Amen"?
Golf? Really? Can I get an "Amen"?
Policemen (for the most part) deserve a little more respect for what they do! Can I get an "Amen"?
Did I mention bacon is awesome?
Yeah, I could go on forever with this shit and I KNOW y'all agree with me here... For the most part. Can I get an "Amen"?

What Did You Just Say?!!?

Ever meet one of those people who should just walk around with an interpreter because... Well, just because? My dad's English (engrish) is unintelligible at best and even worse when he's angry.
The roofer had to come by the house again because the insurance people needed a quote in order to pay out my dad. In trying to explain what was going on, there were misunderstandings...
The roofer got: "Za shingroos  got into butt of outside and oh nooo! Ouchie! It reeked all rover because big holes!"

In standing outside with them to play translator, I almost lost my mind. The roofer was looking at me like "WTF?! I don't want to know! I'm just here for the roof!" making it harder for me to stifle the laugh.

The message that dad was trying to convey was that the shingles didn't quite butt up to each other and the roof leaked because of the gaps...

I would've paid to have that short conversation on video or at the very least a picture of the roofer's face...

Dang it! I went and stained my karma again!

I realize that I can be a pain in the ass. I do what I can to try and realign the feng shui of my karma (or whatever the new age term is... Uncloud my aura? Rearrange the chi of my chakras? You want me to whaty what my where?!), but there are times when the horns come out and it cannot be stopped. It happens often in parking lots. I mean, come on, where better than to come across an asshole than a parking lot?
So, the other day I went to the local Starbucks to get myself a caramel frap with extra caramel goo goo sauce with whipped cream and more caramel goo goo sauce. The parking lot was pretty full and I figured I'd go and sit somewhere else to enjoy said frap.  I got into the car and tried to back out, but of course there are a gojillion cars lined up behind me making the whole backing up thing damn near impossible. Finally, a guy decided he wanted my parking spot and stopped, waiting impatiently for me to back out of the spot. After 15 seconds he started laying into the horn and screaming at me to "hurry the fuck up!".
OH... NO... YOU... DIDN'T! I pulled the car back into the spot, parked  and got out because I decided, "Maybe I will enjoy my frap here!" The guy asked me what the fuck I was doing. I said to him, "I think I, the fuck, just parked my car into the spot again." I think he lost his mind. The string of obscenities that came out of his mouth was hysterical.  A few well placed "uh-huh"s and"Oooh! That was a good one!" s and some pointing and laughing, he ended his maniacal rant with, "...and FUCK YOU!" to which I replied, "No, thank you. I'm divorced and I get more than enough of that, proverbially, from the ex with his shit storms and temper tantrums..." and I smiled.
I don't think he quite knew how to respond to that because he chirped the tires and sped away... for about 20 feet until he was stuck behind another car again. I don't think I laughed that hard in a long time. He must've heard me laughing at him because I saw the windows of his car go up soon after...
Sure, I could've pulled out of the spot, thought to myself, "What a jerk!" and went about my business, but the horns and tail had something different in mind. A new stain on the karma... It was still pretty funny and well worth it though...

Everyday Dirty...

Have you ever thought about some of the things that people say that, with a little bit of thought, is just downright dirty?
-Doing the laundry... Would you ever look at your socks the same way?
-Getting up at the asscrack of dawn... Uh... I never realized that Dawn liked it that way, but good for her... I guess.
-I've got paperwork coming out of my ass! How'd you get the paperwork up there?
- I'm getting fucked at work...  Um... yeah... Okay... Good for you?
-We gotta hammer this shit out! I suppose there's an appeal for some people...
-Do I need to touch that one? Maybe...
-Being pissed off... Better than being pissed on I suppose.
-Wow! Somebody has got a hard-on for you... Unless it's my man, I don't want to know.
-I'm gonna make this thing my bitch... So that you can... Never mind. I don't want to know.
-Fucking shit... uh... I guess if that's what floats your boat... I don't want to know.

-Fuck a duck!    No. Thank you, but no...

There's tons of them! Everyday conversations can get a whole lot more interesting if you think a little differently. (Just be warned, you may start giggling or smiling at inappropriate times... Trust me...)

Drunk people...

Seriously... I understand the whole wanting a beer after a day of work... Sometimes, nothing beats sitting down with a cold brew... But c'mon... We've all been to an establishment or a party where there is the one super drunk idiot who's either doing something outrageously stupid/ dangerous, but it's downright amusing to watch as the events unfold and ultimately, the drunken bastard is puking in the parking lot or is on their face or is beaten because they were obnoxious drunks. Maybe it's a combination of all three. (Still amusing to watch by the way...) Then these people have the nerve to get behind he wheel of a car and drive around? (They weren't beaten well enough, I say.)
Sure, drunk people are amusing to watch as long as you don't have to interact with them. At least that's the way I feel about it. Then, let them pass out. At the end of the night, chain them to a tree or something and really fuck with them by smearing grass and mud into their hair, stomach and knees, tie a goat to the tree next to them, empty a jar of lube into the back of their pants, then kick 'em in the "'tain't" (it 'tain't their ass and it 'tain't their crotch... The 'Tain't) and place the empty jar nearby,  slap a condom... on the goat's horns, let them sober up and as they wake up, start chanting "GOAT BITCH!". (Let them think the word "headbutt" has a whole new meaning!)

My Car goes VROOOOM!!! (I wish...)

I cannot claim to be a gear head... At all. I mean I describe car parts in terms of "Ooooh! Shiny!" and "What does that thingy do?" . Going to the mechanic, the conversation would usually be:
"My car is broken!"
"Can you describe the problem?"
"Yeah... It does this weird thing that makes an angry vrooming noise instead of the other vrooming noise... Fix the thing with the stuff and do the thing because I want it to be all better..."
"Riiiiiiight... Okay... Please leave... Now... And don't come back... Ever..."
I appreciate the 60's and early 70's American muscle cars because... <DROOL!> Oh, sorry... I was having a moment. Uh... Well, I just don't think they make 'em like they used to.
Don't get me wrong, there are the newer cars out there that are putting out ridiculous speeds off the lot, but you can't "play" with them. Computers and chip things and you have to be some kind of computer engineer in order to change the oil! Okay, maybe not that bad, but still...
I always thought it would be cool for my boys to have a car that they'd be able to "work on" and rebuild it and stuff. It would give them a deeper appreciation for the car if they actually put blood, sweat and tears into it by fixing up a beat up (but cool and preferably GM) classic, maintaining it, caring for it, putting their own money into it... Can you imagine how carefully they would drive and how they would baby the car if they sank a whole buttload of time, work and money into it?
GOD FORBID the day they came home in one of those M.(ovie)I.(nspired)C.(osmetically)E.(nhanced)r's, or M.I.C.E.r better known as R.I.C.Er's. Slapping on a big stupid looking wing on the back, fart cannons, chromed out wheels and have it sound like a hairdryer in a microphone... (My lugnuts require more torque than your Honda makes!) I'm not talking about the ones that have actually PUT something into the engine. Some of them are pretty zippy. I am talking about the TRULY cosmetic ones that couldn't go over 90mph downhill... then off a cliff... with weights in the car.
Funny thing is, one day while driving around on the highway in my minivan, a R.I.C.E.r guy decided he wanted to "go". I beat him... Doing 65mph... in a minivan... I don't know what was more humiliating for him... Picking out the minivan to race with or getting beat by said minivan doing the speed limit or the fact that my kids were in the back pointing and laughing at him. It might be a combo of all of the above.
The poor minivan has since been repo'ed (the kids had dubbed her Big Blue), but I bet she still relives that moment in time or at the very least laughs about it. I know I do. Bacon, the new car, has yet to have to prove herself...

If I Ruled the World...

Okay, it would be scary for ANYONE to have that kind of power. I get it... But still, if I did, there'd be some MAJOR changes to a lot of different things. Seriously...
C'mon, we've all wished for that kind of power at one point in time in our lives, let's not kid ourselves. And of course, we all think we know what's best for the world and we'd be able to solve all the problems with a wave of the proverbial magic wand. I wish it were the case. In watching people and somewhat keeping up with the current events, the problems are a lot more grand scale than someone sitting in an office somewhere and making laws and scribbling down ideas and yada yada, narny narny boo boo can fix. Every individual person has their own set of problems and for one person to decide, "Hey! I've got the cure all for EVERYONE'S woes!" is just a bunch of bullshit. Sure, the things that would motivate me to make the world "a better place" are probably a lot different from what someone else is thinking. My ideas are simple ones...
I would want things like bacon vending machines...  Everywhere. How can you be sad when there's bacon? (Unless your Kosher... I can't help you there...) How about people being a lot nicer to everyone else. At least that way, I won't feel the need to slap most of the people I come across. A flat consumption tax on everything. No more income tax, property tax, tax, tax, tax... Shit, there's tax on just about everything! Just one flat tax and IRS agents can go work for the Peace Corps or something. "Slap a Liberal!" day... "Slap a Conservative!" day... (Hey, let's be fair...) How about we make the "system" a little more geared towards Americans not looking for a free ride, not looking to fuck the system and just need a hand up, not a hand out.
And math... What the FUCK is up with this "new math" thing and it not being about the fucking answer, but the "journey" to get to the answer shit? Math is a universal language. No matter where you go, one and one is two. The answer is two. No matter where you go, the answer is TWO! Who gives a shit about the journey of getting to two. "You have to understand the concepts in order to get to the answer and you have to SHOW that you understand it by being able to SHOW the journey..."
Bullshit! As long as the fucking answer is right, what difference does it make HOW I got there? It's obvious that the concept is understood if the answer is right! Don't tell me I'm wrong because it wasn't the "preferred method".
You know what? Just... Fuck you! Just let me rule the world. It'll be a'ight!

Slap a ________ ! Day...

We all have our pet peeves about the different groups, whether it's political, "religious", social... It's not a racial thing. It's not a class thing. It's not anything other than the roles we choose for ourselves. We all have our opinions about, well... Everything. But there are those on the fringe that want to impose THEIR opinions on you and the way you live or affect us in a way that makes one feel downright... Icky or who are just flat out annoying. FUCK THAT!
So, I have come up with a system that covers the gamut with "Holidays" that we can all look forward to... Here it goes:

Slap an Ultra Conservative! day                President's Day

Slap an Ultra Liberal! day                            Memorial Day

Slap an Environmentalist! day       Earth Day (Prius drivers can be slapped the entire week preceding and following Earth Day)

Slap a Scientologist! day                 March 13 (L Ron Hubbard's Birthday)

Slap a Telemarketer! day                 Any time that may be inconvenient for them.

Slap a Slow Driver in the Hammer Lane! day    August 12 (First production of the Model T)

Slap a Drunk Driver! day                July 19 (the day of the Chappaquiddick incident)

Slap a Person Asking a Stupid Question! day    August 4 (Helen Thomas' birthday)

Slap a Person Giving a Stupid Answer! day    March 31 (Al Gore's birthday)

Slap "People who live in the North who display the Rebel flag! day  April 9 (The day Lee surrendered to Grant)

Slap a Douchebag! day                     July 7 (You have to be in"the club" to understand)

Slap a Pedophile! day (although unnecessary violence with blunt, heavy objects is also encouraged)                                 October 1 (Polly Klaas case)

Slap a R.I.C.E.-r Driver! day             June 22 (The day The Fast and the Furious was released)

Slap a Terrorist Sympathizer/ Apologist! day       September 11 (Duh!)

Slap a Mother Fucking, Shit Eating, "I know EVERYTHING! You're just stupid.", Cock Sucking, Close Minded, Selfish, Self-Centered, Holier Than Thou Thinking, Mashed Potatoes for Brains, Spineless, Cowardly... Oh, COME ON! You all KNOW at least one of these!
Every other Tuesday from 9a.m to 3P.M. EST

Yup. I think "Slap a ______! " days will catch on. It'll be the new craze! I am open to suggestions for additional holidays for when I become Ruler of the Universe. :) Oh, and if Hallmark ends up making cards for any of these days, I demand royalties! (Props to Lucky for his suggestions on some of these "Slap a ______!" days!)

Monday......

Super Duper Surprise Cheesey Centered Meat Muffins......

Okay.... So, as I said a few days ago, I'm trying this new thing. I'm posting recipes of noms that we go gaga over. This one actually came from an idea that my boy had. Seriously, it was genius.

Obviously, because I am feeding an army, the measurements of ingredients is pretty large. Fuckin' adjust that shit. It's basic math type stuff.

So, this is the list of shit you're going to need:


2 lbs ground beef
2 lbs ground pork
3 eggs
1/2 c bread crumbs
3 tbls worcestershire sauce
1 large onion, and chop the shit out of that bitch
A SHIT TON of garlic, chopped fine. I usually use about 6-7 cloves. Maybe more. It depends on how offensive I wanna be later.
1/3 c of fresh chopped mint. I know it sounds weird, but it fuckin' works!
a few dashes of that "Italian seasonings" mix
salt/ pepper
1 tub of the Stage 3 Gerber baby food (pick a vegetable flavor)

2 blocks of Cabot Extra Sharp cheddar cut into inch by inch sized cubes. 

Okay, first take all the shit that's in blue, put it into a big fuckin' bowl and mix that shit up. Don't overdo it. Otherwise it'll taste like crap. Seriously.... People make the mistake of mashing the ingredients together too much, and then it all ends up tasting like textureless mash. Yuck.

Once you got that all done, ya gotta start making the meat muffins. Grab a handful of meat, about the size of a baseball, maybe a little smaller. Toss that into a muffin tin. (As shown above in the picture) I end up filling one whole muffin tin and then most of a second one. Now, place a cube of cheese into the center of each meat muffin. I mean bury that fucker in there. Fix the hole (that's the surprise part. When you cut into that meaty goodness, it's like, "SURPRISE! I'm filled with CHEESE!!!!!" Fucking awesome.

Okay, this next part is REALLY fucking important. Put the muffin tins on a cookie sheet. When those bitches start cooking in the oven and all the meat juice starts runnin', it'll spooge out all over the place and you'll end up with a houseful of fuckin' meat juice smoke. It's not fun.

Now, get those cookie sheets into the oven, I don't know, at like 375 and bake the fuck out of them for.... I don't know 25 minutes? I usually guess. Let 'em cool down a bit before you serve them. It's like molten lava inside. It's amusing to see people bite into it and burn their tongues, but it's wrong. I laugh anyway, but it's wrong. You can serve them with ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, plum sauce (AKA Tonkatsu sauce with Japanese hot mustard. Don't know what it is? You have interwebs. Look that shit up yourself!), A-1, plain.... Whatever. It depends on how people like to eat their meat muffins. Obviously, all the ingredients are "adjust to tastes" and adding bacon into the mix ALWAYS makes everything taste better. Just throwing that out there for ya.... Okay.

By the way, you're welcome. This shit is the fuckin' BOMB!

Snow 2014.....

Last winter, we pretty much got spoiled with the mild weather we got. Well, except for that blizzard that basically hammered us and made out lives miserable for a few days..... The year before that was pretty mild too. Well, it would seem that Mother Nature has decided to make up for the years that she "slacked off" and has decided to FLABAMMO us with a whole shit ton of snow this year. Shh... Sh, sh, sh, shh..... I know. I live in New England and snow is to be expected in the winter. I know. Calm your tits. I know that it really shouldn't be a huge surprise that we are experiencing this cold, wintry and appropriately seasonable precipitation. And I don't think I'm necessarily complaining about it either. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass to shovel and having to prepare for these things is inconvenient and getting ANYWHERE in the aftermath of snowstorms is difficult at best because people forget how to drive when there's something other than tar on the roads..... But it's winter in New England. This is normal. This is what it's like. I get it. Okay. But still...... FUCK!!!!!!!

Happiest of Valentine's Days to you.....

My dear sweet Puppy guts, I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you. I hope there is never a need for you to  wonder how strong and deep my feelings are for you. We may have changed a little, grown a lot, but what's been constant is how much I need you in my life.
If my words sometimes fail me, always remember what's in my heart-you stir my soul..... and you always will. Happy Valentine's day to you my dearest Puppy Guts. I truly love you with everything that I am. XOXOXOX

Look how far we've come.....

Ya know? Looking at all the advancements we've made in technology, medicine, communications, and whatnot, and where are we in the grand scheme, where are we really? Alright fine. We're a long way away from archaic and brutal medical practices. Being able to communicate with people has never been easier. We have access to all sorts of information that we couldn't have even fathomed some few decades ago... I get it. But GRAND SCHEME type shit.... The country is in the toilet, on the brink of becoming another failed communist, despot ruled, hell hole. We are still warring both inside and outside the borders of our great nation. And if you think we're not, than you seriously need to come on back to reality. Our borders have been breached by unfriendlies, looking to take over our way of life and assimilate us. There are so few people who are actually SEEING the truth because the majority are slowly succumbing to the brain numbing propaganda that is constantly being spewed at us, constantly spoon fed to us.... Forced down our throats until we stop questioning....

We have illegal immigrants migrating into the United States by the swarms, usurping the resources meant for OUR citizens. Our troops are being treated more like disposable pieces of garbage instead of heroes. We are being kept from our rights as "free citizens", and we're are slowly being plunged back into some barbarian era. "How can we be 'barbarians' when we have computers and all these cool gadgets and medicine and stuff?" you may be asking. I am talking about "all powerful" leaders who use their powers to suit their own needs, the people be damned. And the technology? Seriously. With all the information in the world available at your fingertips, and what are 99% of people doing? Cruising porn sites, looking up videos of stupid people doing stupid shit, harvesting cute kitten gifs, and scrolling through newsfeeds on social media websites.

Don't get me wrong. I'm guilty of my own fair share of screwing around doing stupid shit on the interwebs myself. This blog, for example. I get it. But honestly..... Have you looked up from your smart phones while out and about lately and SEEN the countless tech zombies skulking around you? And you want to try and convince me that we've become "advanced"? Nope.

Our children's education is a joke with this institution of "common core", further dumbing down our next gen. Think about this for a second..... They are the ones who will be running our country one day. The ones making the decisions about the future of our country.... Of the world. Looking at today's youths, I have to say, I am VERY uncomfortable with that. It scares me. A lot. It seriously brings me no measure of comfort at all. Children, in general, these days are bunch of spoiled, indecisive, namby pamby, unmotivated bunch of pansy assed pussies. They have no work ethic. They have no drive or motivation. They are so lacking in some kind of competitive spirit. And I have to say, we're fucking doomed if this all continues. Yeah... For all these so called advancements that we have made, in the grand scheme, we're fucked.

I'm trying something new....

So, I love food. No big secret. I've posted about various whatnots regarding food and told you how yummy it was and shit, but I didn't ever think to share anything beyond that. It won't happen often, but every so often I will pass along some nomminess that you can make at home for yourselves so that you can follow along when I say stuff like, "IT WAS MOUTHGASMIC DELIGHT!!!!!!!" when I'm talking about a certain nom I nommed on. I figured every once in a while I would pop on here and share the recipes for the delicious noms that I made that made me have a screaming orgasm as I nommed all the nommy noms...... Yup. I have decided.... Keep an eye out for them. THEY'LL BE LABELLED UNDER THE FOOD CATEGORY.  And they'll probably just simply have the name of the recipe, like "Beef Curry Stew" in the title or something like that. Keep a look out for them. I REALLY Think that you guys are gonna love the recipes I post and you are gonna want to make them yourselves and nom on them all the time! It's gonna be great! It's all because I love you guys!

:Mwah! Mwah!: Look for recipes! They'll be doozies! I promise! :* It's gonna be great. Just promise you let me know what you thought of the recipes when you're done with them! :)

Snow....

Yup..... It's definitely winter here in New England. We've been hit with snow a few time and there's plenty of this wintry precipitation accumulated outside. Most of it is now all packed down and is nothing more than blocks of ice from where the kids have been stomping around in it and have packed it down to a solid mass, something resembling an iceberg.... But there you have it. The temperatures have gone from frigid negative, below zero to balmy the balmy 50's, which some of us around here would consider "shorts and flip flops weather". Can't really tell what the next day is going to bring and I never really know how I'm going to have to dress on any given day. Sometimes, I'll even need a wardrobe change because the weather and temperature will change so drastically over the course of the day..... Ugh.....

The groundhog went and saw his stupid shadow the other day and so, as the whatever goes, we're supposed to get hit with another six weeks of winter. The way things go around here, it may be shorter, it may be longer. One just doesn't know. I guess we're just gonna have to see what tomorrow brings. Friggin' crazy weather.... :P

Life with a Mia....

People often ask me what it's like to live in my world. Sometimes it's meant sarcastically. Other times it's meant to be purely a curiosity thing. Other times, I don't even know. I think people just wonder how it is that I function day to day. This has been my life since I was born and I don't know of any other way. I wouldn't know what YOUR way is and I TRULY think that if my "-NESS" got shut off, I don't think I'd be able to function any more. I think it would be THEN that I would cease. A normal conversation that takes place between Puppy Guts and me:

PG: Hello? Focus! I'm, serious!
Me: Oooh.... then can I be Harry Potter?
PG: Wha?
Me: Or Dobby! Master has given Dobby a sock......
PG WTF are you talking about?
M: Sorry geekdom cross comboobulation.... Harry Potter reference... Sirius Black.... you said you were serious/ Sirius.... So...... Never mind.
PG: Okay, so as I was saying....
Me: I said boob...... DiscomBOOBulation......  :giggle: <snerk, snerk, snerk>
PG: Oh my GOD WOMAN!!!!!!

Poor Puppy Guts has a permanent palm print on his head from face palming quite often.

Yup. It certainly does take a very special and patient sort to live with a Mia. Most people cannot handle this level of pure awesome. Thank you Puppy Guts. I love you too.

Let it go.......

An open letter to the guy confronting his significant other in the parking lot at the grocery store:

I am sorry you discovered that your girlfriend of three months turned out to be nothing more than a "fucking dirty tramp, nasty, whore bag". I'm not really sure that I (or the other people just trying to get into the store and go about our business) needed to hear about how she told you she "ain't never been done like that before" as you proceeded to graphically describe where you put your tongue and where you jammed your penis and :shudder:  other stuff...... She did "do you wrong like that" if she was "messin' with Jaykwon (I have no idea how to spell it...)" when she was supposed to be with you. Let it go. Let her go. Hold onto to your pride man. Laying on the ground at her feet in the slush and snow and ice and sand and salt, groveling as she laughed and walked away is lower than low. 

And as a side note, perhaps a different venue would have been more appropriate to confront the woman whom you thought was your soul mate. Maybe a more private setting. Seriously. It's tough explaining to a small child how or why certain of body parts go into others and "do stuff". There is really no taking back those words or having a curious child UN-hear them. Seriously dude. There are other fish in the sea. Better luck next time buddy. Fucking idiot. 

Stalkers.....

Amusing = Seeing ex-spouses and their friends and family showing up on our "People You May Know" list on our social media page because they're probably stalking our page. I mean, COME ON! We don't even share common "friends" with most of these people!!!!

Hilarious = When these people accidentally "LIKE"  something that we said on our wall and then try to take it back.

Pee yourself laughing = When they disappear for a while because they blocked you..... Until they get curious again.

A nice day....

In the aftermath of Puppy Guts' oral surgery, he spent the following day with me. I made him a couple of potfuls of homemade miso soup with pork n stuff and tried my best to take care of him. The following day was a dental visit for two of the little ones. It was the first time we had a drama free dentist visit for them. Guts sat in with one, I sat in with the other, no one got bit, stabbed, slapped, hit, punched, kicked or bludgeoned and no tears were shed. I mean, an absolute first. (The kids aren't too fond of going to the dentist.) Afterwards, we went for a tour of the police department that Guts works at, at which time, we took the opportunity to lock the kids up in a cell. The sound when the cell door closes is something ALL children should hear. It's a pretty finite and spine chilling sound. Certainly very sobering. We snapped a couple of pictures and walked around, met a few of Guts' co-workers, and off we went again. We had a leisurely lunch at a local diner and just made a day of it. It was absolutely delightful.

It's not often we get a day like this because of Guts' rotating schedule and his being a midnight shift cop, but when it does happen, it's simply the best. YAY!

Dun, dun, dun DAH!

I don't care who the fuck you are. You HAVE, at least ONCE in your life, "Dun, dun, dun, DAH! Dun, dun, dun, DAH!" -ed the theme song of Mission: Impossible while doing something you ought NOT to be doing or doing something "impossible" or doing SOMETHING that merited it. Shut up. Yes you have. And if you haven't, it's in your mind now and you will. Oh yes. You will. And you will curse me for putting the idea in your head.

Mission: Accomplished. HAH!

Puppy Guts had a tooth boo boo....

I had to take Puppy Guts to the dentist to get his one and only wisdom tooth removed. It affected a couple of other teeth, which, consequently, had to be removed too. In order to accomplish the teeth extraction, he had to be sedated...... For the first time in his life. Now, considering how the eldest of the brood reacted to HIS sedation, Guts was afraid he might wake up dazed and confused, which could be a dangerous thing considering his size, strength, training and street experience. The doc explained to Guts that it wasn't a full out general he was being given. It was something called a "twilight" sedation. Of course My Puppy Guts responds by saying, "I swear, if I wake up a sparkly, gay vampire, you will never be dead enough....." Then it was lights out, night-night.

Well, it turned out that, although dazed and confused, he was about as dangerous as a three year old ballerina. Why do I say this? Not sparkly, certainly not gay and not a vampire either. Just a fluttery wobbly ballerina..... I managed to get him into the car, at which point, I drove him to the nearest CVS to get his scripts filled. Pain meds, antibiotics and some super medicated mouthwash. While we were waiting for the meds to be filled, he flitted along the aisles in this fluttery movement. His giant head flopped around, leading the rest of his muscular body around, as his arms sort of flopped and waved behind him...... I guessed that it was his drugged mind's version of Swan Lake. It wasn't graceful and he did bump into a few things and I did have to explain to the other patrons that he was still feeling the effects of the sedation from an oral surgery. People didn't seem to mind. They just moved out of his way and enjoyed the show..... It was absolutely adorable. Not long after, I got him home, gave him some soup, dosed him with some pain pills, and an antibiotic, and tucked him into bed. He insists that I may have bricked him in the temple, judging by the way his lights went out. Several hours later, we were back downstairs on the couch and enjoying some time together until it was bedtime for Bonzo again. I put him to bed PROPAH, which he thoroughly enjoyed, and I thoroughly enjoyed, and we went to sleep. I stayed vigilant all night to make sure that he kept comfortable and all his needs were met throughout the night. and he survived his first night.... It was pretty awesome having my Puppy Guts waking up next to me, a little puffy in the face and say, "Thank you for taking great care of me, Kitten.... I love you so much!"

You are always very welcome, Puppy Guts. I love you too. With everything that I am. I'll get you some more soup now.......

So, what makes a crappy movie a crappy movie?

Seriously, I love stupid, campy, plotless, nonsensical movies. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the hell out of the Harry Potter movies. I loved LOTR. I watched some of those other epic multi gojillion dollar budget movies too. And I enjoyed the fuck out of them. Does that make them good movies? Well, not always. Some of them were just fucking stupid as hell and totally NOT worth the time I spent watching them. Like..... Romeo Must Die and The Transporter can just fuck themselves. They can fuck themselves right to hell. I am never going to get that time back. There are others, but those are just a couple off the top of my head. I get that there are ways to determine what an "great movie" is using cinematography and lighting and makeup and special effects and all that. Sure it makes for great sequences. Especially when things start blowing up and all sorts of things are happening all over the place. It becomes an ADHD person's world of visual stimulation influx overload and their minds explode. But does that make it great? What of the story lines and plots and sub plots and writing and lines and line deliveries? Then the characters themselves. Was the part acted well enough. Was it convincing? Did you feel the emotions watching some guy play pretend on the big screen? But is that it? I mean, you have this whole set of scenes that play out over the course of a movie that eventually leads to it's conclusion and what do you come away with it? The movie could have been written, directed, performed and played out beautifully, and you feel all YAY. Fine. A great movie. Then there are others that others would dismiss as stupid, but somehow, it made you laugh pr cry or feel something or whatever. I don't think it'd be fair to discount those movies because it didn't have a gojillion dollar budget and an all star cast. Maybe it was the company that your with that makes a stupid movie a great one. Maybe because it was SO fucking stupid that it made the movie a great one. There is still no denying that you yourself have one of those "stupid movies" that you hold close to yoru heart simply because you didn't think it was all that bad, even though it was. There were still some redeeming qualities of that movie that make you say, "It really wasn't THAT bad...."

Yes, I root for the underdogs sometimes. and I will FULL ON ADMIT Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was one of my all time hands down favorite movies in the history of forever. There. I said it. Judge me if you must, but Bill and Ted's is mine. Shut up.

TAH DAH!!!!!!

Yeah, so I'm back. Did ya miss me? Not really? Okay. Anyway, to recap what's been going on over the last couple weeks since I took some time: Yada, yada, yada, my birthday, yada, yada, I'm looking for a job, yada, yada, I ran across assholes, I told people off, I spread my sarcasm onto the world, my brain kept doing it's thing, I remembered to keep breathing, the world kept spinning, the sun kept rising and setting, day became night became day became night and so on, yada, yada, fucking groundhog saw his shadow and now there's a shit ton of snow outside. YAY WINTER!

Anyway, the content really isn't going to improve or anything. Neither is the writing. It'll still continue to be the same dribble that you've been seeing here since I began this blog. I may or may not be on every day like I have been. But I'll be around. I'm still just a chimp with a keyboard and WAY too much going on inside my pea brain and this is a great outlet for me to get it all out there. WOO HOO!!!!! Thanks for stopping by!